I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

Sounds tough and exhausting OP. Could possibly be autism but even so that doesn't mean you have to put up with this behaviour. She obviously has enough cognitive level to pass exams etc that she will one day have to function on her own. Any neurological needs she will still need to learn to function, work and socialise with peers, members of society and look after herself. At 18 she would need to start the ball rolling herself if she suspects she maybe ASD you can encourage her to do this. I'd absolutely clean her room and tell her you will keep doing this as you feel fit as its your home she's stinking out. Give her a timeline to get a job and tell her no more lifts/cash until she can appreciate/respect you. If she's 18 she can go get advice from citizen advice on benefits/employment options. Ask her what her long term plans are, if the behaviour doesn't change ultimately you need to tell her she will need to move out or you will be moving somewhere smaller. You love her and want to help her but you can't keep living your life like this. Unfortunately teens often don't appreciate what they have until they no longer have it. Xx

Spare the rod and spoil the child. No, I don't mean start physically punishing your DD but stop being so passive. She doesn't respect you. You have got to start being a darn sight firmer with her. She needs boundaries and she isn't getting any.
Tell her that you want her room cleaned by xxx and if it isn't, you will come in, switch off her computer/whatever and start cleaning it yourself. Let her scream and shout. If she physically assaults you, call the Police, don't threaten, do it. It might be the shock that's needed for her to open up about what's going on with her.

She may well be ND, she also may not. Girls do get diagnosed later than boys though.
My own DS has ASD and is lovely boy and is respectful to me because he's learnt from an early age that I won't tolerate bad behaviour/language etc in my house. He causes me worry in other respects but that's beside the point. Not in my house, my rules etc.

If my own experience of my daughter is anything to go by I would absolutely say she is on the autistic spectrum. Girls have a unique ability to “mask autism” from an early age, unlike most boys. I can’t be bothered to go into loads of details here but please PM me and I will tell full details- only to say puberty, sexual identity and stress of exams, getting older and pressure of masking becomes overwhelming for the young person - don’t worry - a diagnosis is a blessing to you both - although your daughter won’t be keen at first!

OP please do look back at my posts. I recognise the PDA profile. So think about treating it as such with it without a diagnosis (which in itself won’t make a difference).

With my relative with PDA, cutting privileges to the bone did not help. No lift? I won’t go out then. No money? Fine, I’ll wear my clothes until they wear out. Room a tip? Not to worry, I’ll just live with it. And then you get a bit of criminality mixed in because they steal from you, or go off in your car anyway, or start smoking weed in their room too which makes everything else worse. What they need is love and boundaries. You’re not seriously going to kick her out unless she is criminal in her behaviour towards you. What she’s doing now is bad, but it could be worse. And for me Her father is a write off.

She needs micro-targets over a long period of time, with a long-term ultimatum just in case. Strongly strongly encourage her to get a low-stress, full time job. She needs routine, distraction and independence. Don’t worry that she’s ‘capable of more’. Let her get used to work otherwise you’ve got complete failure to launch on your hands. Take the long-term view to give yourself a break. Her room of a shit tip? Well you can say to yourself, it won’t be like this in 12 months, because she’ll either be on top of it, or she’ll be gone.

People with PDA need to be able to capitalise on whatever motivation they have to do things. The more you direct things day to day the worse it gets. Tell her what you expect, and she’ll either do it in her own time, or she won’t.

But most of all, don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Same my DD quite a bit younger hates me
in her room but she won’t clean so I just go in and do it. No way I am having a stinking pit in my home and soon if she wants money to do anything with her friends she does it herself or she doesn’t get money and if she continues to be lazy her phone contract will be cancelled. My DD is very strong willed but hopefully still
young enough to realise that this won’t fly with me.

I have two boys with autism neither of them are anything like this. She sounds depressed actually. And I would say quite seriously. She needs a psychological assessment. Does she see a GP? There is a great parenting course online totally free called Triple P. I am trained to deliver it and am a clinical family social worker with over twenty years experience so I do have some professional background here. That could be a good place to start and it's absolutely not gentle parenting, it's a good warm but firm parenting approach.

This sort of dominance is very common in single mum families usually from a boy but can happen from teen girls too. It sounds like you're a fantastic caring mum and both of you need help. If she refuses any assistance start with getting help for you.

Your comment comes across as unkind. Not sure if you meant to? This has only changed in the past two years, so clearly OP has been a good parent. It’s difficult to stand up to an 18 year old with no other support.

I agree - I work with 18-21 year olds and so many of them want to go no contact with “narcissistic” parents. I don’t think there is any excuse for this behaviour. I am a single parent to a DD who is now mid-20s and I found it difficult to set boundaries, but she was walking all over me and making me extremely unhappy. My DD isn’t autistic.

Sounds like PDA

My son was like this, I feel your pain, it is tortuous. We all do the best we can and it is horrendous not being able to get through to your child and feeling their hatred directed at you.

with my son, a lot of it was that I was the safe space for him to vent and kick off. All his unhappiness about other areas of his life was directed at me. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

i might have been described as a weak parent too, but strongly believe we each have our own parenting style and cos playing as an authoritarian when you have always parented gently would not work - kids pick up on inauthenticity and it is difficult to keep it up. My style has worked fir my other two.

my son moved out of home when I was out one night and wouldn’t tell me where he was. I rarely saw him for over a year and when we did it was fraught. But. He came through it. I got my son back within about 18 months. I think part of it was that we had been super close and he pushed away from me as he developed independence; a big part was really serious issues with his dad and other problems that made my sensitive boy unhappy.

now, he is 22 and really lovely and in touch all the time, loves family events like holidays together. I would recommend you get some counselling to help you navigate this incredibly difficult time, and hang in there x

Have you looked into the possibility of neurodiversity for yourself OP? It's extra hard to parent a neurodiverse child if you are yourself. I'll openly admit that I was not the best parent to my ADHD son as I was all over the place myself. I know that autism is more likely here, just trying to reach out and offer sone advice x

Op feel for you it sounds very draining
I’m not sure what I would, but here’s a really hard truth loving her is not enough on its own right now. She may not be in a place to receive that love in a healthy way. Right now, safety, boundaries, and your own wellbeing have to be prioritised

It’s not wrong to think about a small flat on your own. It’s a survival thought. It means your needs are screaming to be heard.

few things,
Stop engaging, trying to reason, plead, or enforce small rules (like the cup on the floor) when she’s in this state will likely backfire and leave you even more depleted. She’s looking for control so don’t give her battles to win.

Instead try not giving non essential reminders/ give her space

Crete simple /firm boundaries
Instead of arguing constantly, say something once, clearly and calmly:

“I love you, and I will always care about you. But I will not allow myself to be spoken to or treated this way anymore. If you swear at me, push me, or refuse basic civility, there will be consequences.”

Then define a consequence, eg

No more lifts or spending money unless she interacts respectfully / or removing privileges like Wi-Fi access

With regards to counselling
you could speak to your GP about her behaviour and your concerns, they may refer her to CAMHS (though at 18, she might now need adult services)/ contact YoungMinds Parent Helpline or Family Lives — they can advise you on supporting a young adult with mental health issues/ see if she’d accept text-based or anonymous support, like Kooth or Shout UK (text 85258) sometimes this may feel safer to them than face-to-face support.

There are always 2 sides to a story.

I think professional help is required where both sides are heard.

I have 2 autistic young adults and I am autistic myself. Our autism does not equal being arseholes. A diagnosis will not explain your DDs issues and although she may be autistic, beware of excusing her behavior on the basis of neurodiversity. FWIW - many autistic women are hyper empathetic, so the typical dickhead profile is a lot less prevalent than you might think.

Your DD is falling into the trap of subscribing to the toxic parenting diatribe which is all over socials, rather than facing her real issues (whatever they may be).

In my opinion, you need to quietly, but firmly let her know that you won't stand for it. I text my children (their preferred communication method), with short and to the point messages. Then follow up in person when I feel it will be well received. Something like this:

Your behaviour tonight has been awful, you have treated me abysmally and I won't stand for it. Please speak to me respectfully or it could really escalate and I don't want that. I am always here for you, but this must stop.

I would follow up with a few targeted messages.

Your room needs to be cleaned. Please remove all rubbish and open the windows today. If you don't, I will get a cleaner in and use your allowance to pay for it.

A gif about mice infested rooms

I find that sound bite comms works well with my children. I don't just use this for the bad, I more often use it to send love and affirmation.

This seems to appeal to their way of communicating far better than long-winded combative conversations.

No autistic, just an entitled brat. Start some tough days parenting proto

What do her days look like? Is she up all night on the Internet? Is there any sense of purpose?

if she worked hard for A levels that would have felt important and something to get up for and focus on. She may be burnt out or she may just have nothing to do anymore and not have the skills to start looking for work. Why did she decide not to go to university or do further study?

That thought did actual cross my mind too. I am not saying OP doesn’t feel this way and what she is saying is not true but sometimes as parents we cannot see the wood for the trees with our own reactions etc. it’s so tough but I do think that anyone who takes the time to reach out for advice genuinely does really care or they wouldn’t even bother.

This is the best advice on the thread.

Yes, I have seen so much on YouTube about no contact with toxic parents etc. some parents obviously are but I think the lines are getting blurred and young people are impressionable.

I also send my daughter memes when she shuts down it really does help sometimes.

She sounds autistic, I am not sure what your next steps are but I would start with your GP. There are private clinics but if you can get her to your GP that would be a good start, I hear 18+ there are a lot less queue times to see someone.
Other than that I have no real help to offer, except to say I am sorry, I am sure you are not alone and wish you the best.

I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to.

This action would be the absolute best thing you can do for her. By getting away with treating you so poorly, it shows her that she can be treated poorly by others. Standing up for yourself will show your daughter you both deserve respect.

She's 18. Give her a warning, but sell the house and don't let her move in with you. Tell her exactly why: her rudeness is utterly disrespectful and no one deserves to be abused like this.

I'd find her a room to rent, pay her first couple of months rent for her and kick her out. Time to start adulting. Doesn't get a job? Well there's a comfy looking bench down the road. Tough love is required here. She needs to experience the actual consequences of her behaviour.

She is acting like an entitled, nasty brat and I wouldn't have it in my house. The first time she got in my face and snarled, that child's backside would have glowed. If I'm paying the bills, you talk to me with some bloody respect.

You’re not a weak parent OP , that poster is being very unkind , most of us here are nice people though, & understand you are in a very difficult situation, only you at home with your daughter, harder again , no support at home …
You sound to me like a nice woman, feeling very sad, & you just don’t know what to do , many more of us would be the same .. I don’t know what i would do if it was me being honest .. Kurtshirty seems to know what she is talking about , check out her link ….
You need professional help & advice …
With support & help , you & your daughter will come out the other side of this ..
Try not to lose hope ..
Wishing you well x x

OP, have she ever treated your poorly in front of your friends or in front of your family?

I wonder how she'd respond if your friend or relative called out her abuse of you? Like, "you shouldn't talk to your mother that way."