AuADHD DD19

[enrg123]

AuADHD DD19 struggling and she has been for few months. she dropped out of college beg last year, hasn't been able to keep part-time jobs since then, tried charity shop but because it's voluntary they're no t bothered. She sociable, but she struggles socially, gets offended easily. She talks to her older sisters & me a lot & I've tried to support her the past, encouraging her to be more independent, daily empties dishwasher, occasionally cooks. I'm not pressuring her to get a job because her self esteem is low from previous dismissals but just to keep some sort of routine.
But She s taken now to staying up til three or four in the morning,not eating at mealtimes, but filling up on junk later, her room is a tip which she says gets her down. When I offer to help she says not now, that she feels too awful. She's had counselling with a couple of different people but each time she didn't continue to see it through, hopefully she will try again.
Its getting so difficult she's tired so is irritable & difficult to talk to. I want to help her but she's not helping herself - & effects family life too. What more can I do? She's supposed to do her own laundry but it's all piling up in her room - do I ignore, put down some house rules or what?

I don’t think I have any useful advice because my DD is exactly the same - especially the feeling offended and irritated at everything, it’s nearly impossible to talk to her - although mine’s undiagnosed.

The only thing that seems to have helped a little was creating a rota, but I have to be 100% on it otherwise she’ll abandon it first chance. I relaxed it thinking she was just used to it by now but she ignored it the minute the physical paper wasn’t up.

I have thought of suggesting a rota, it's very hard to have even the gentlest conversation with her, the slightest thing sets her off and she goes off upset because she so tired and it's so recurrent there's never a good time!

Also when she eats in the middle of the night or when we're not here she takes it and leaves leftovers in her room, and we have had a house rule of no food in bedrooms for a long time. Other DC have gone along with NP, but she says she can't help it because of how she's feeling.
I've been feeling rough this week because of back pain and today when she bought some food items up she'd found, again sorry but I couldn't help it. Because I sighed she swore at me! I need to do something....

Solidarity from a fellow mum of an AuDhd daughter.

Is your DD diagnosed and has she gone down the medication route?

I completely understand what you are saying around taking offence etc but for better or worse I’ve taken the route of being totally ‘on her’ until she finishes uni. She’s only 17 at the moment. It’s not exhausting and I am not sure I am setting her up for independence immediately but I have been advised that if I can get her to early twenties still ‘on track’ then we can focus more on those skills as her brain will be better developed.

I get in and clean the room with her and we have arguments around this.
I am on her case and we de clutter and I tell her if she doesn’t come in and help, things will end up in a bin bag.

I do her washing. My mum did mine and my brothers and we managed fine when we moved out. I’ll fight this battle later.

I cook meals but she would live on cereal and toast. Plenty of students are the same so that’s a hill I am not willing to die on.

She’s diagnosed and is taking medication . It is helping at the moment

Yeah she's diagnosed & medicated, but not in education/employment( no pressure from us either in that respect) & most other stuff is done for her.

Would you consider pressurising her to be in either education or an employment ? Thats our red line , she is messy, stroppy, prickly etc but she needs to be kept busy-ish. It’s very destructive for them to be not out in the world at this age. Then it’s just aimless time on the phone, that’s good for no one

I just realised that in my earlier post I put in not exhausting when I clearly meant very exhausting. Boy is parenting an audhd young adult exhausting !

It sounds like your daughter is in or going into autistic burnout.

I've been through this with my teen and I'm sorry to say it's a very difficult situation to get through.

If it is burnout then trying to keep her busy etc isn't often the right thing. You'll usually find they push back and the situation spirals. It's the strategy I tried at first, I think it's most parents natural reaction, but it might make things worse.

Generally a period of zero pressure and demands is what helps. How long that's needed depends on the extent of burnout.

The staying up all night and sleeping all day is a very common way of avoiding people and demands.

I hope your daughter feels better soon.

Yes it is exhausting, especially when you're not on top form. I have said that she needs to be doing something, but will plod on. Thank you

I hadn’t considered that it might be burnout. Could you agree maybe some sort of course (even online in anything they are interested in) and then limit all other demands. My concern with burnout is that it’s extremely difficult for them to get out of that scenario once they are dug in.

I know the lack of help in the house is exhausting but I would try and shelve that and concentrate on getting her functioning again.

Would she talk to someone ?

I wish we could do that but if I try to touch anything in her room it’s screaming to the point of a full meltdown. Cooked food will go uneaten.

My dd is adhd. It audhd but the situation is the same. Anxiety on meds.

my fear is the longer she is not really engaging with life/tasks/going out/responsibilities etc the more entrenched this lifestyle will become and it will be impossible to break out of.

You say you’ve bed. Through it. What was the journey and where are you all now? How did changes occur?

I would take away all responsibilities on the basis that she gets into education this September. That’s the most important. Life skills can be learned later, quite quickly when they’re for yourself and not under the pressure of a parent and it’s all new and fun.

She could start a BTEC / T level which would mean she only has to concentrate on one subject and she’ll be assessed as she goes along rather than having to pass exams

I have AuDHD as does my dd. DD is doing a BTEC which she’s managed to become hyper focused on and is on track for top marks. I do the laundry and make her meals. She tidies her own room when she feels like it. I take food plates out before bed. She buys her own lunch at college. I tell her she can start applying for jobs or volunteering when she feels ready and she’s aware she’ll need them on her cv in the next few years for when she can finally apply for a qualified job in her chosen field.

When I started college my mum suddenly decided I was an adult and made me apply for jobs immediately and take on all my own chores. I had no idea I was ND, but in hindsight I burned out, couldn’t concentrate on college work, started avoidance tactics and bunking off just to get a break, started on the wrong path driving in cars with boys I’d met at work and such..

So I’m doing the opposite and it’s working for us. AuDHD brains need low demand from others but we need to be steered in the right direction very gently. Focus on the benefits for her if she gets a qualification. Choices, money, freedom, nice things, self-esteem. Doing things “because you have to, because it’s responsible” doesn’t really register well.

We really like the Finch app btw, she might enjoy it. It’s like a tamagotchi you help grow-up by looking after yourself and meeting goals.

@blubbyblub I'll message you.

Oh yes please. But where do I see messages? I’ve never had a message off mn before

What does she do all day then? This is terrible for her mental health.