Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

MIL is definitely a flying monkey….she’ll be well prepped and versed and fully on board with his delusions 🙄

No, no audience with the MIL. You want the marriage over, so it's over in word, it just needs finalising legally so your husbands mother won't be your MIL for long.

Trying to be "reasonable" and keep things "nice" is a fools errand in this situation, you will shaft yourself. You can do the kids a massive favour by getting yourself under a seperate roof from your soon to be ex husband and providing them with a peaceful environment.

Book a couple of nights away for his mother's visit, spending time with her is no longer your business.

Oh I don't know - it might be interesting. Maybe she will have a woman to woman talk and say she always knew he was a 'little flawed' - I'd record the conversation and see what she had to say first.

You can always end the conversation and ask/tell her to leave if you don't like how its going - she will be under no illusion then that the marriage is over and, if she is a flying monkey, isn't it better to know?

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Or, avoid it like everyone says and spare yourself the grief of it all.

Decision making these days does not seem to be my strong point anymore - another symptom of emotional abuse.

You know what op, you don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to. You have no obligation to discuss this with anyone, especially your MIL. You don’t have to have a reason to split up or divorce someone, it’s entirely up to you.

Don’t let her bully you into anything! She has no right to push you about, if she doesn’t like your decision it’s tough shit

Thanks all PP - proper emotional whiplash this isn’t it? Getting the cold shoulder again now. Hoping to head out tonight as soon as I can.

Big love to you all in it, out of it or healing. Your kindness is amazing ❤️

@CactusCry23there is absolutely no reason for you to have to meet MIL. I do wonder if he’s trying to manipulate TWO women at once? What’s your relationship like with her? What’s hers like with him? Is she an enabler of her precious boy, or does she see through his BS??

Apologies if this has already been mentioned but I found this resource massively helpful for dealing with the aftermath of emotional abuse:
https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

Silent treatment, projection, blame shifting, healing and ‘apologies’ are all covered.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore very much superficial pleasantries only. I don’t dislike her at all but we are not close by any stretch.

@Automaticforthepeople very interesting! Some big parallels.

He asked for another chat last night, I said no I’m going out. He was quickly frustrated and said ‘I’m done then’.

Later sent me a link to a mediation service 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is being so ridiculous @CactusCry23 - it’s not a serious attempt to sort things out.

My H is continuing to act like everything’s just fine. We have had to speak a lot over the last few days about something with oldest DC - and we’ve ‘co-parented’ quite well (he did back me up). But he’s not done anything about our issues at all.

If anyone has any advice on telling DC I would be super grateful? 🙏🏻

This is so hard, feels like it would just be easier to reconcile but my gut knows I can’t.

THIS! Very good advice.

Op this guy just keeps ramping on, you know how you feel , you don't need to engage in anymore ' telling off' from him, cut it dead, you have nothing say and you have heard enough from him,

As for DC, she will have picked up on atmosphere at home, when you decide to talk to her, be true, and only basics as to why, she may ask more , but definitely only honesty how your feeling and to why,
Start with, how are you feeling do you want to ask anything, then you start, i think you may be surprised as she may have lots of questions to ask ,
good luck op, 💐

This merry go round approach is designed to keep you off balance and stuck. Get on with what you need to do

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore what is your gut saying?

Is he avoiding it or trying to give space to it?
Do you feel ready for a proper chat about things?

I think he’s avoiding it. But also that he’s emotionally illiterate and isn’t impacted by my mood. I first said I thought he should move out a month ago. He initially said yes, but DCs had exams. He also said he’d organise counselling for us. Nothing. All he’s done is sleep on the sofa.

A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he was really as unaffected as he seemed. He said he felt sad after we talk, but that only lasts for a couple of days.

It’s the first thing I think about, and the last. Every day.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore that sounds really hard. I have found myself having to make all the tough emotional decisions, sick of putting my big girl pants on.

I had a long period of silent treatment and it felt like a horrible indecisive vacuum. I wondered if H thought if he ignored it long enough it would blow over or just didn’t have the emotional maturity to tackle it head on.

That’s absolutely it @CactusCry23! And means I just don’t have bandwidth for anything else!!

I had a long period of silent treatment and it felt like a horrible indecisive vacuum. I wondered if H thought if he ignored it long enough it would blow over or just didn’t have the emotional maturity to tackle it head on.

Limbo benefits him. As long as you are in limbo his status stays the same.

All he’s doing is just kicking as hard as he can under the water desperately trying to regain control. Just sit back and watch as he progresses through all the tactics of manipulation to get the situation back on his terms. He’ll then spiral in some way when none of it works and probably lose the plot in an explosive way. Might be good to wait on that happening and then your dc will have something tangible as the clear end. That helped my girls see there was no way back.

I'm not sure if it is a matter of emotional maturity but more of a deep routed mental health issue - I often wondered that with my ex P.

When I had told him that it was over - I cannot remember how many times he came up to me and said "So, this is what you want then"? or "Are you sure - this is on you - you can change your mind" - he had caused the pain and the abuse towards me and he was still looking for me to fix things.
When I didn't do my usual and cry, let him 'back in', he became quite nasty - or nastier than usual.

I think their ego's take a pounding and they genuinely have no idea how to even start to fix things. Mine said he would arrange counselling - but never did. Mine said he would do all sorts of things - but he never did.
If a relationship is valued, treasured and wanted by them, surely they would do what was needed to be done?
We do it, until we cannot do it alone any more.

Living in the same space didn't last very long for us. I was just a bit too hopeful on that one - there is no way that someone who cant do that in the relationship is going to be able to do that out of the relationship. They will get worse if anything because they just don't know what to do.
Keep your guard up and don't underestimate them.

As for telling your DC - age appropriate honesty is always the best way. Kids have this sixth sense when adults are sugar coating things and then they worry more. It may also be worth speaking to the school and letting them know what is happening so as they can keep an eye out and work with you if any problems crop up - I'm sorry, I don't remember how old your DC is?
Keep to routines and usual parenting styles - I had a friend that spoilt 'little Johnny' something rotten because his parents were getting divorced - no discipline, lots of treats, pocket money increased, chores forgotten about and both parents hyper indulged him - he was not a pleasant child at all and more than likely became not a very pleasant adult either.

My two children went through a divorce with me and their dad when they were both little - both grew up to be pretty decent, well adjusted adults I am proud to say.
I never bad mouthed their father, I kept to my usual rules and boundaries with them and I always told them what was happening rather than lie to them (age appropriate of course).
All our kids need is stability, love, safety and firm boundaries and values. If that comes from one contented parent rather than two unhappy ones, that's got to be a better upbringing.

Good luck and thinking of you during this wretched time - hang in there and it does get better eventually🌻

You mentioned teen DC. How many?

At that age (or any age for that matter) DC are very tuned into what's happening so will be aware that you are not happy.

I decided that honesty was the best policy, in an age appropriate way.

Like previous poster, I never said anything negative about their father. It's better to act like Switzerland and stay neutral.

It is better to tell them together that you are divorcing and not to place blame on the other parent. Is your STBXH capable of doing that? You will need to discuss this with him first.

Tell them they can talk to you about anything they want to, ask if they have questions, answer them as honestly as you can.

Be calm and consistent, keep your routines, be there for them.

I would certainly tell their school pastoral team as they will need to know what's going on at home and might recommend counselling. Of course, school breaks up soon so this will depend on your timing for telling them.

Remember that divorce is commonplace and some of their peers will have parents who are separated.

As teenagers, they will have a higher degree of choice and agency about contact arrangements.

Accept the mediation invitation, pull those big girl pants up even higher as they'll be on for a while and start to drive this forward. You're in some kind of half way energy sapping limbo, meanwhile he's grinding you down with his tactics, and likely using the time to get his own financial affairs in order for what he knows is coming.

Push forward, attend mediation, decide what you're doing logistically, and where you will all be living. Rough that out, and then tell the DC together so you've got some kind of plan for them about what it's going to look like, rather than just a Divorce chat. You've got to go through this, you can't stay where you are, go backwards (unless you want to reconcile), or go round it.

You can accept an appology without taking the person back you know.

It doesn't matter why de did what he did (fyi, lots of people have depression and manage not to abuse their spouse. Because, you know, they aren't psychopaths). It doesn't change anything.

I mean obviously it's about as believable as a flying pig but that's just an extra point.

You don't owe anyone who hurts you any more chances. You gave him 6 whole months of chances. Fuck him.