Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

FFS @CactusCry23what a piece of s@&t. He must be spinning all kinds of lines to his therapist.

It’s so horribly hurtful - but also ridiculous (even without the date stamp thing!). Surely if he genuinely felt undervalued he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship?!? Where’s the logic in - DW doesn’t appreciate me but I’m going to stay anyway… Clearly it’s all nonsense. It’s just also illogical.

Do you know about DARVO? It's a typical tactic. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. So they attribute all their behaviour to you and make out that they are the victim. It really is a mind fuck.

Remember in years gone by that a husband could have his wife committed to an asylum for daring to break ranks and disobey.

I am a very chilled out, mild-mannered person but I remember being driven to distraction like a banshee. It was always deliberate on his part as he thrived on chaos and control. My ex contacted our (male) GP and said that his wife was mentally ill. I'm really not making this shit up.

There was no internet back then, zero awareness of coercive control, and women had nowhere to turn except if they had black eyes / broken bones and went to a refuge.

This silent, insidious abuse is utterly awful.

Remember - it's not you, it's him.

Hang on in there.

My partner is going to Spain and taking the garage key with him so as our kids can’t get into his stuff! There are many things I use from the garage and told him I am an adult and can be trusted to lock up when I’m done, he wants me to take everything out of garage that I’ll need, it’s too much stuff and once again said Im an adult, leave key with me.
he is now angry that I’m standing up too him., and determined to not leave key with me !AIBU?

Also, don't be afraid to reach out and tell EVERYBODY what's going on. That you are finally divorcing your highly controlling, abusive husband.

I had been so brainwashed that I felt deep shame for the situation I found myself in, as though it was somehow my fault.

When I finally found the strength to get out I was taken aback by how supportive people were, and how many people who knew me could see that I was in serious trouble with a bastard of a husband.

Sometimes sunlight is the best disinfectant. Give him nowhere to hide.

I got the exact same script op. I got told I was a covert narcissist with a narcissistic personality disorder. I am the least narcissistic person there is and I sacrificed my life to try and help this man function in life. I immediately asked my closest friends and fam to be brutally honest and the all pissed themselves at the insinuation…and actually quite a few friends that work in mental health said they thought he was projecting and that in fact, that’s what’s going on with him. Makes sense. Anyway I hope you’re not having an ounce of this now op, he’s an absolute nutter and it’s time to get rid

@Sicario yes DARVO aware here, another lightbulb moment - once you see it you can’t unsee it. Sorry you felt that shame, so unfair.

@teenmaw its madness isn’t it? Must be a projection. I have never shown any signs of BPD in my life! He’s reaching like fuck.

My heart is still racing, going to have to dig deep.

Your heart is racing because you are on high alert. It's our body's reaction to feeling threat or endangerment.

Stay away from him, (insofar as you are able to given the circumstances).

Do not engage with him at all.

Practice emotional detachment and be on your guard.

It's just the latest tactic. They will rotate, so be prepared for the next one, it will come. You don't have to give him an audience though. Practice, that's interesting, I'll give that some thought. And then remember something very important that you need to do that is nowhere near him. And repeat.

The sooner you get the practicalities of the divorce in motion, the better. This will continue until you do. Be prepared to be shocked and suprised on repeat because he will likely pull shit out of the bag that you can't even imagine. Remember that this is nothing to do with you really, and if you're looking for him to do something to make it all better you'll be waiting forever. The only person that can do that is you.

Just sobbing rn, DC shut themself away - definitely heard something won’t talk to me 💔 trying to give them space. This is such pain. I wanted better for my DC so much better

Dont go back. They never change. They make promises and then when they are all settled in again they revert to their old ways. I know.

You are making something better for your DC - just keep going, one foot in front of the other.
This was, for me, the worst part - you will need to buckle in for this phase.
I was informed that I was mentally unstable, manipulative, coercive, abusive and everything else in between. He was living in such a toxic relationship, poor man.

They all tell the same story and it will make you feel exhausted, confused, doubting your reality and sanity at times. They come out with some absolute nuggets of 'their truth' - but you are doing just great in such a terrible situation.

Read, rant, write and cry about him - don't keep it in.

I think I am at month 3 now - I often wonder if this is similar to what addicts go through?

Sorry, I didn't want to read and run, but lack of sleep last night and over-thinking about him and the situation means I'm having trouble stringing three words together 😀.

You are doing great 🌻

Wow @CactusCry23 what a bombshell. No wonder your heart is racing. Such a headfuck. What are these incredible contributions he thinks he's made that someone magically eliminates 6 months of abuse? Or is he saying he felt so undervalued that his only option was to abuse you?
It would be very interesting to have a session with his therapist so they get the other side of the story.

A sleep tonight will help but it sounds like you can clearly see his manipulation tactics a mile off. The only way out is through...

This is all a 180 degree turnaround from your first post where you said this "He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.
He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did."

Now he has changed his mind within a few days and says the problem is that you have a personality disorder and devalue him? I'm so so sorry for you, but it sounds like he is highly manipulative and abusive and very very bad for your mental health and he is probably the one with a personality disorder.

But you need to know it's not your fault, you really are not the problem. I also think that you should not believe anything he says about what comes out of his therapy sessions (that is assuming he even goes to them and isn't just making it all up).

Please reach out to anyone you can for support to leave this person and try not to wrap your brain in knots trying to respond rationally to what he says. What he says is not rational and is simply designed to confuse you and keep you upset and on the back foot so he can have the upper hand.

It's a lot to deal with when you come to the realisation that the person you have been married to doesn't have your best interests at heart and thinks of you with contempt, I've been there, I'm so sorry 💐

Hi OP. Yep. Seen this a million times. My own ex did it and same for the other two mums I know through the school who divorced abusive men. On the flip side, since I’ve been single two different divorced men have, as their opening gambit and without being asked, told me their exes had BPD. It doesn’t work beyond that level though, and everyone can see through it. If the children ask, I’d just explain ‘dad is finding it hard to accept we have different views.

In legal terms it’s just straightforward discrediting a witness— a witness to his wankery.

Do not be deterred. It’s only a modern version of Delboyish characters saying ‘you’re off your rocker!’ to any woman who dares challlenge their self-image.

I’d also say my ex invented a whole raft of characters during our divorce. All sorts of specialists that didn’t actually exist. I would be doubtful this therapist actually exists.

Thanks everyone, sad you all know what this feels like. The next fun thing is apparently MiL is coming to see me for a check in at the weekend!

Aww op the mil she's the flying monkey, you do know this term ' flying monkeys ' make yourself unavailable at weekend do something nice with DD , your x is ramping up now, you need to be one step in front of him op , x

Fuck that. Absolutely no way.

You are under absolutely no obligation to engage with your MIL. It's none of her business. As the previous poster says, she has been recruited by your STBXH to "talk sense" into you. A flying monkey indeed.

No no no. Absolutely no meeting the MIL. He is deranged. How does he think a talking to from his mother is going to make you want to stay?!

By the way - have you actually filed yet and do you have a lawyer?

Is there a handbook for them? Last week I was sat down and told by DH that he's leaving me as he can't cope with my personality disorder any longer. It's lucky that he's picked something that is so far from my personality that I can see it's nonsense. He's accused me of other mental health conditions/neurodiversity before and I actually considered some of them. You know, I can be shy and awkward sometimes, maybe I am autistic. I've also spent a fair amount of therapy time triple checking with my therapist that I'm not abusive, are you sure?

I read somewhere that whatever they accuse you of is actually a confession on their part.

This is all standard for a manipulative man I’m afraid. Anything to avoid accountability for their actions and protect the ego.

You need to progress this divorce and you don’t need his mother chipping at you. Like PP said, she is just reinforcing his message.

As for diagnosing you with a personality disorder, don’t even give it house room. This is about the most manipulative thing he could do. And also, if you did have one, in most cases, that would be a case to progress a divorce not maintain a marriage. PDs cannot be treated successfully in the main. And you have children who presumably have not noticed you acting in a disordered way.

If I were you, I’d be looking to find all the financial documents I could. This sort of man wants a delay for personal and financial reasons. He will be trying to catch up with you so he can arrange things to his best advantage, including moving money.

You might want to check out Dr Ramani on Youtube. She is very insightful with these kinds of behaviours.

Learning as much as you can about the modus operandi of men like your husband can help you to spot the patterns and see more clearly.