Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

I think sometimes young adults have to go down before they can up again. So the experience of trying to live on Universal Credit/look for work/budget/find accommodation, can move them beyond prolonged adolescent rebellion.

There were similar problems with my stepson - smoking a lot of skunk, wearing smelly clothes, getting up mid-afternoon, disappearing for days at a time. I'm very glad that his father also agreed that the situation was intolerable. After various conversations re ground rules etc - that went nowhere - there was a more 'difficult' conversation and he went.

It was the best thing for everyone concerned.

It’s blindingly obvious your stepson has mental health problems. Literally everything you describe is a classic symptom and he can’t just decide not to be mentally ill and not behave in all the ways that you find unacceptable. If you say no, he will end up sleeping rough on the streets (which is very common sadly for young men with mental health problems and families unwilling to support) and his outcomes are likely to be very poor.

Alternatively, he has a supportive father currently who may be able to encourage him to access mental health support and can at least ensure he is fed, clothed and has access to medication. You and your husband can set in place some ground rules such as your husband accesses to his room a few times a week to collect and empty rubbish and gather up unwashed clothes for the laundry. The WiFi can go on a timer so he isn’t disturbing the family gaming in the early hours.

Its not guaranteed by any means as some forms of poor mental health are lifelong but at least this way if this is a potentially treatable issue such as severe depression, there is at least a chance that your stepson survives until he is well enough to return to a more stable living arrangement and ultimately can turn his life around. If you aren’t prepared to countenance this however you aren’t leaving your husband with many choices. Would he be the man you love as the father of shared children if he was prepared to turn his back on his son and put him in a potentially life threatening situation just to placate you?

Do you mean DH/his mother can’t afford to pay his rent for eg the first few months or they simply refuse to?

Your DH is making the boy your problem. He isn’t going to make the boy clean up his act, get a job, get help with his gambling/other habits. What was he like as a schoolboy, is this a recent problem?

I would point out to DH that enabling the boy with vague, unfollowed through notions of “making him get a job” is neglect. If he actually cares about the boy he needs to put the work into addressing his issues and starting with basics such as personal hygiene.

Since your DH has a track record of ignoring this and leaving you to deal with the problems then it might well be a deal breaker for me as well - I wouldn’t want that influence on my own young teens unless they could see that both his parents and the boy were working to improve things.

Once he is moved in you will be stuck with it and longer term its likely to destroy your relationship anyway, with the other children being collateral damage.

The husband sounds like such a rubbish parent, I'd be getting the ick. If he refuses to do anything to help the son and change his behaviours, simply providing a roof over his head where he can continue to rot does more harm than good.

It would be surprising if he suddenly started to parent now. Of course the son lives like a feral teenager if there are no consequences or parental expectations for him.

How does he pay for his takeaways?

Oh and the idea that he will walk into an apprenticeship is for the birds. They are competitive and he has no track record of sticking at anything in recent years.

Given that OP has been given a stark ultimatum about him moving in, l doubt she would have much say in him moving out whatever the outcome. For SS to be behaving like this in the first place, l doubt DH or his ex have done much in the way of parenting and those advocating that DH has his son’s back and OP should step up and help are delusional. He wants OP to have his sons’ back and that’s where his input will end. She’ll be expected to step in and clean up whatever mess ensues.

OP this would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t think l could get past an ultimatum that doesn’t consider anyone else, and comes across as ‘give me what l want or l’m gone’. I’d call his bluff or it’s likely you’ll still have a dirty, smelly, drunken unemployed bum living with you and trashing your home when he’s thirty.

Absolutely this. I've been on the edges of a situation like this for 21 years. Some people believe the world owes them a life of luxury and will not accept they have to work towards that.

There won’t be any ground rules because the DH won’t enforce them
son will just do what he wants and the OP will be the horrible stepmother

What was his uni course? Places like Abertay
offer courses in Computer Game Development and associated courses. Could he find something more aligned to his interests?

But no I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not wanting him back. If you indulge this behaviour he’ll be there well into his thirties.

She won’t be able to throw him out either. The same ultimatum that got him moved in will apply.

I’d be speaking to my dh about ground rules and if he did not agree to them, then for me the marriage would be over.

As for the gaming, the router would be turned off every night.

I actually don’t think I could live with him.

Even if you imposed rules or ‘supported’ him I don’t think it would help. I have helped a family member with adhd who was living a chaotic lifestyle in messy conditions and if I went to help them clean up, the next day it was exactly the same as before. They could literally barely pick up a crisp wrapper. They wouldn’t shower either even if prompted or reminded and they were in denial about their hygiene eg claiming they were clean when they hadn’t washed for a week. I had to withdraw the support after a while as it did not help, they did not care and it gave me a lot of stress. A few years on, they are still exactly the same.

I’m not sure if your stepson’s problems are similar but I wouldn’t go there again. It’s unfortunate but people do choose to live like that and he would probably not benefit from any ‘support’ you offered anyway.

The OP and the DH also have a duty of care to the other children in the household. Living with someone exhibiting this kind of “delinquent” behaviour, whatever the cause, is stressful and causes problems in the family.

There is no evidence from the OP’s posts that he has depression. There is evidence that he has gone a bit wild with the freedom of university as some young adults do. That needs a reset of expectations - starting with him cleaning his own room. He may have spent enough time gaming and gambling that it needs addiction support but the only person who can really address that is the boy himself - addicts cannot be “cured” forcibly.

Its plain the boy’s father is not going to provide the kind of structured environment he needs and enabling his problems is not helpful, it will make him worse.

The problem for the OP is that if she suggests a “trial period” she knows that the DH will do nothing, the boy won’t change and once he is through the door she will spend the next ten years dealing with the fall out. Hence support him with rent for a few months, point him at resources to help with gambling and gaming and then see what progress he is makes. I’d be interested to know what his debts are - I’ve never come across a gambling addict who was honest about the extent of debts.

Say yes but there's a time limit on it - if he hasn't found a full-time job and stuck to it for six months, then he's out.

And make it clear to your husband that it's HIS child and he's the one doing the parenting, not you.

did you not disuss anything about parenting with your dh before getting married to him?!

presumably at that point you knew that he had a teenage son, who was living somewhere (where?) and he knew you had 2 sons, who were living with you...

how long ago was that?
where did the ss live before uni? who had custody, or how was it shared?

did your dh move into your house? did you not talk about the possibility of this situation arising (not him being kicked out of uni, but maybe graduating and needing somewhere to live)?

are there enough rooms for your ss to live there without having an impact on anyone else?

it all seems a bit un-thought-through...

If his dad was going to step up and be a proper parent to his son it would have happened by now. Let him move in and he’ll be there in a decade. If your husband thinks he can boss you around with an ultimatum he can fuck off. His own mother doesn’t want him, his dad is happy to let him stew in filth with no work ethic or basic hygiene and you’re meant to welcome him in with open arms. No. Bloody. Way.

And he’s not “lovely” to behave in such a selfish antisocial way when he’s stayed before. He doesn’t care how his preferences affect the rest of the household.

The definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Don’t be a mug. And don’t let your husband think he can use threats to keep you in line! That’s a horrifying precedent to set yet so many people on this thread think it’s fine.

I would say to your DH ‘This may very well split us up, yes. He can move back on the following conditions….

*Gets a job (any job) and pays us £50 a month rent
*Is up and dressed and washed by 10am on weekdays
*No food in bedroom.
*Joins us for family meals
*Helps with chores

He needs to realise it’s a family home, not a squat and this nocturnal, gaming lifestyle is not conducive to family life with school boys and elderly mothers.

If he doesn’t like the rules, he’ll have to go. Review things again at Christmas. And if he’s not in college or education he needs to think about a better job as rent will increase to £100 a month in the New Year.

I find it fascinating that so many posters are advocating OP setting time limits and boundaries with a DH who has basically applied emotional blackmail to get his son moved in, in the first place. Once he’s there, OP will be powerless to do anything however he behaves, because her DH clearly doesn’t believe in negotiation or consideration of anyone else - just blunt force ultimatums to get what he wants.

He needs to help himself, his DH needs to help. Both have so far signally failed.

There are other children to consider and frankly a room smelling of rotting food and a young adult behaviour in this way is way beyond being overly precious about a “lovely home”. I wouldn’t want to live with that either and I wouldn’t stand by whilst his DH enabled him

At the moment he is young enough to turn it around but he won’t whilst his DH enables the behaviour and pays his debts (which somebody most be as he doesn’t work).

This.

That's probably because we all have different personalities! I am saying what I'd do in that situation, and I wouldn't take any shit from my partner about it either. I don't agree that if someone moves in, they can't be moved back out again!

I have every sympathy with you. it must be horrible. Firstly I would tell my husband to not issue ultimatums and have some understanding of how much you are taking the burden of this rather than either of his own parents.
However the young man is showing classic signs of depression. You and your husband need to both sit him down and say his residence in the house is entirely dependant on him strictly following house rules. Washing, clean room getting a job etc.and seeing a doctor and getting some help with his depression.
Write the rules down in the form of a contract and get him to sign it. Don't let him slip on anything and demand your husband do more in ensuring the rules are enforced.
my money is on the young man craving some tough love to help him out of the current mess he is in.

Just to add though - if he's got a trail of credit card debt, you don't want that coming to your address or you can end up liable/with bailiffs at the door/CCJs. And that can affect your own ability to get credit, among other things. So you might want to point that out to your husband, OP.

I genuinely feel for your DSS who is clearly struggling. I agree with others that your husband has a responsibility to support him which he can't just ignore. Nevertheless, you have a responsibility to your other sons. They shouldn't have to live in squalor with such a poor male role model.

To me the best way to balance these conflicting responsibilities whilst working in partnership with your husband is to lay out your concerns and think about some conditions for this arrangement. I would actually work together to produce a written contract that your DSS must agree to - if he won't agree then he has made his choice and I don't see how your husband can blame you.

Examples:

• I am concerned that DSS will not manage his personal hygiene and this will create an unpleasant environment and set a bad example to our/my teenagers. One of my requirements is that he takes a shower every day if he lives with us.

• I am concerned that DSS will leave rotting food upstairs in his bedroom. One of my requirements is that he eats in the dining area and tidies up after himself.

• I am concerned that DS will sleep all day in a way which is antisocial and sets a bad example to our/my teenagers. I require that is up and about between the hours of X and X.

If being online is a source of a lot of the antisocial behaviour then give some thought to restricting his access.

Then you say to your husband that it will be his responsibility to enforce these terms with his son, and that if he fails to do so, DSS will have breached the contract he agreed to, and cannot continue to live in the family home. If your husband still needs to support him, then as a couple you will have to sell the family home and live separately. And you need to be clear that if necessary you will end the marriage to make that happen.

If your husband won't engage or doesn't take this seriously then just don't agree. Call his bluff and say you are ready to separate.