Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Is it your house, his house or jointly owned? If it's his house or jointly owned, I don't think you can prevent him from having his son living in his house, although you should be able to set some ground rules that your DH ensures his son follows.

If it's your home that your husband moved into, you can refuse to house your step-son but be prepared for your DH to move out over this. Does he even acknowledge that this is a really big ask and that his son's behaviour isn't acceptable?

Your DH needs to agree that he will do his best to ensure that his son follows some basic rules such as keeping himself and his room clean, not getting drunk and keeping everybody awake and trying to find a job.

Firm house rules and expectations. Sounds like the lad needs a shock and definitely not enabling. His dad needs to realise allowing him back and letting this behaviour slip will affect his future. I don’t think being homeless is going to help him though. Supporting him getting a roof over his head would also be a option.

Could you agree some conditions with your husband and then your stepson first?

my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this

I think this is the problem.

He is not asking you to make space in your home for his son (which itself is not unreasonable). He is planning to completely delegate the parenting, management and support needs of his son to you. Of course he will not openly delegate this, he will do it by simply failing to recognise the additional housework and mental load. You know this because he is ALREADY failing to recognise the additional work involved. He will be able to get away with this because the effects on his life will be minimal compared to the effects on your life and on your DCs' lives. You will then jump in and take on the additional work. Which he will not acknowledge, because he does not acknowledge there is any additional work to be done in the first place.

I would not dismiss the idea completely out of love for the DSS, but I'd be going into it with the expectation that all the work would fall to me and asking myself whether is it actually doable without burning out and/or negatively impacting the younger DC.

I think that maybe you haven't read the OP's posts.

The main problem here is that the stepson's parents aren't stepping up.

Are you tech savvy? If not there is YouTube videos online, I would set the WiFi router to turn off at midnight, I’m presuming use give him money for the takeaways etc? I wouldn’t be given any money until basic hygiene was kept, room kept clean each week and a daily chore around the house to help, also evidence to show he has applied for work. Set out a list of rules and expectations and show him them before he moves in, if he doesn’t like them he is on his own. Your house hour rules.

What’s this man’s father doing to help, exactly?

Your concerns are valid but your husband wants to support his son as any good parent does.
I would try to think about how you can find a team spirit here rather than being on opposite sides of the table. I assume you both want the best for this young man and I also assume neither of you, including your husband, thinks that his current lifestyle bodes well for his current or future happiness. I wouldn't let him move in without a discussion about what your hopes are for the next stage for him, and how you intend to support (via both carrot and stick) him towards that next step which presumably is to live independently and build a life for himself. If your husband is willing to have that conversation which, let's face it, centres the well-being of his own son, I would feel differently than if he just moved in with no proper plan or discussion about what good looks like for all of you.

PS where is he getting the money for all this booze and takeaway????

No, they’d be advising him to divorce her.

All the people calling for ground rules - what happens when this guy disregards them, and his Dad won’t enforce anything?

The OP will do what? Physically throw him out?

She’ll be in an even worse position than she is now.

You need a trial period with agreed rules, which include getting up at 8am and carrying out a share of chores, no noise or gaming after midnight. Your DH shouldnt refuse his son a place to live, but he also needs to step up and challenge the behaviours that have led to him failing uni. Your stepson is BU if he thinks he can carry on that lifestyle in a house of people who are working/going to school.

Have you told him house rules? I think it’s reasonable he wants his son to live there if nowhere else, but I do think it’s reasonable to set strict, clear rules and state they must be enforced. I’d make it clear that you’re not happy with his current lifestyle and for everyone to live together this must change. Surely given the circumstances (dropping out of uni) his father wants to crack down on his lifestyle too? I get he’s an adult, but obviously has no level of independence in that he can’t afford a flat share, has no job etc, so due to that I’d say fair to treat him as a child under your house. So your house your rules .

Well the DSS's own mother doesn't want him and his father is happy for someone else to deal with his son, so why must the person with no bio links to him be expected to do more than his own useless parents? If the parents aren't prepared to step up then why should the OP?

I would tell DH that if he wants his son to be there then he needs to take a long period of annual leave (like a month) to supervise his son’s transition to your home and to help him get a job and a routine. If no job or routine materialises he needs to find his own place to live…so there need to be actual parameters on the moving in.

The boy sounds like a complete waster, his father’s approach is only serving to reinforce this, rather than to address it.

i would not accept it either - surely he can get a share in a flat, financed by your husband?

That would be the obvious solution.

How does this boy relate to your sons?

Do they have their own rooms?

This is the crux of it.

This young man desperately needs parental help. He’s floundered and needs help and support to get onto an apprenticeship - not easy at all. He also needs help to get any sort of job right away to get him into a routine. He presumably has no money so needs to be housed/fed by a parent.

Gaming is a perfectly fine hobby, as long as it’s in moderation. He has issues regarding hygiene- that’s easily fixed by showering everyday, washing arm pits and deo. He needs that spelling out and to be supported in getting it done at a particular time each day - either morning or evening. He also needs to obey a general household routine - going to bed by midnight, let’s say as there are others in the house.

I feel very sorry for him - young people need support and if his parents were happily married, they’d take him back in willingly and work together to sort the above. But his dad is busy and has had more kids and his mum is - well I don’t know.

when someone turns 18, they don’t magically have adult skills. Boys particularly may need significant support.

This. 🖕

Who's house is it OP? If it's yours, I'd say you're well within your rights to outright refuse...but if it's his or jointly owned/rented then you may have to negotiate to a compromise.

Having said that it doesn't seem like your partner is willing to negotiate if he's set you an ultimatum already.

Personally I wouldn't have the scruffy little layabout in my house, but the fact that you have kids of your own complicates things. Nobody can predict the future and if one/both of them screw up at any point and need to come home, you're going to find yourself in a very awkward position.

Try actually reading the OP before leaping judge her as the bad guy here.

Lovely home or otherwise, it’s not acceptable for SS to sleep all day, stay up all night gaming, boozing and ordering takeaways, not wash or care about personal hygiene and not contribute in any way to the household. And frankly, if the smell from his room was permeating the rest of the house, there is a deeper problem here.

What you mean by ‘helping’ is for OP to shoulder the whole of the responsibility, - she’s made it clear DH works long hours and she’ll be the one to ‘step up’. She has two younger children to think of here - what kind of influence is SS going to have on them ?

I guess because they respect the household they live in.

How old is he?
I couldn't imagine not having my son move home tbh
Id be discussing house rules and if he doesnt stick to them he will need to move out

Neither of you are in the wrong. I understand you not wanting his son living with you.
But equally that’s his son.

Say you don’t negotiate with terrorists and you won’t give into an ultimatum. But he may just move his son in anyway.

Probably because they respect OP and her DH and don’t treat the house like their local rubbish dump.

You tell your husband there must be boundaries, eg no takeaways in bedroom/ aways clears up his own mess/ showers daily/ makes a clear effort to work or study etc etc.
If they’re not strictly adhered to then yes, he will have to choose whether to let his son live there with sticking to the rules that make it tolerable, or losing his marriage. Because it’s not fair to expect you to put up with that.

If you DO decide to have him, I would consider doing something like what a school mum I know did when her adult DS moved back home with no job. She had 2 much younger primary-school aged children and his job was to get them both up and walk them to school every morning. I expect it was a bit stressful in the early days, but he rose to the occasion admirably and as a bonus developed a good bond with his younger (half) siblings. She then found him a very part time job at a local hobby-type leisure place to work whilst he was searching for a proper job (think like a driving range or similar). He ended up getting really deeply into that activity, finding 'his tribe' and progressing to a management role.

I don't know how old your DC are, but perhaps he could be responsible for picking up a newspaper and having breakfast with your Mum every morning (I don't know what her care needs are - just trying to think of something that will give him a reason to get out of bed and leave the house!)