Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Only on MN do people try to couch sheer laziness and lack of manners as a mental health problem. So insulting to those with actual mental health problems.

I'd give it a six month trial, but with house rules which must be adhered to. His dad has to ensure that either he or his son keep the bedroom clean (not OP) and the son keeps himself clean. The dad must take full responsibility for his son and if that includes ensuring the guy know how and when to wash so be it.

Not sure what to do about the drinking and ordering takeaways at stupid o'clock, but if he's not earning, where is the money coming from for that?

This looks like a marriage over.

I couldn't not help my child, and presumably you'd feel the same way about yours too.

Even if your husband relents, he'll likely resent you. Unless he's one of those men who puts relationship before his children.

If he was like the step son then yes I would, I'd help him find a flat share.
If I was in OPs situation then my marriage would be finished yesterday.

And you think the man who has issued an ultimatum to get his own way, regardless of anyone else in the household, is going to care what happens after SS moves in ? He hasn’t got his sons’ back. He wants OP to have it.

I disagree. The son is known to be a lazy, filthy freeloader. DH is being unreasonable to foist this upon his wife.

If the son was a decent human being that was clean, helpful and making his way in the world, it would be different but he's not so DH is being totally unreasonable and if he wants to help his son, he should gift him the deposit on a flat and nothing further.

A son like this will do nothing for himself unless pushed into the cold.

OP says in her opening post that h works late every day so isn't there to see most of this. Not that he would probably give a toss anyway. As long as food and sex is still available to him he'd be happy.

Three words: “Okay. See ya!”

He is obviously very lost in life and depressed.

I hope to God that his dad and his mum can recognise that he is clinically depressed and get him the support he needs, whilst trying to actively encourage him to improve his lifestyle.

Well clearly he doesn’t put OP before his son - he’s not interested in her point of view. It’s ’my way or the highway’. And the same will apply if OP relents and lets him move in. She’ll still be cleaning up his room and dealing with his shitty behaviour ten years from now because his dad won’t tackle his behaviour, he’ll enable it.

My ex partner was similar to your step son but not quite as extreme. What you are describing does make it sound like your step son would be hard work to live with but could he be suffering from depression? Everything you've said could be a symptom? I suffer from it myself, as does my ex and a lot of my friends. Children don't stop needing their parents help, as soon as they become adults

Dear @Champaganesupernova

i just wanted to commiserate with you for this really really difficult situation you’re in. I’ve read all your posts but not the full thread so apologies if I’m repeating stuff.
I had a similar experience the last 18 months with my DN who came to live with me - however I didn’t have to negotiate a partner/ father who disagreed with my approach as I was on my own with him and he is 18.

My biggest advice would be to reframe the way you are looking at this situation with your husband/ his father.
You love your DH - so am going to pursue an idea that may help your stay together rather than say “choose your boys and split”.

Your DH is probably very very worried about him. He’s also probably really defensive. Your boys are doing well - and he, deep down, will be feeling like a failure. possibly really scared of what will happen to his son.

Currently the approach you are both taking is to enable him in his behaviour. and I’m sorry to say that. He is using the lack of cohesion between you, your DH and his Mum to get an easy life which will be making him really unhappy deep down.

You should all be looking for a way to IMPROVE his existence and motivate him - for the good of HIM and his future in society and not because he’s irritating and gets in the way and I mean that in the nicest possible way for you.

This reframing - and if possible to agree between you, his mum and your DH a way of helping him improve and become happier - may take away the stigma and unhappiness your DH is bound to be feeling on the approach .

How are you going to get him better for his own sake? This is what you need to work out.

1. Is he able to focus and does he need an ADHD assessment? Can you afford privately. this is a priority.
2. Does he want to improve? Is he willing to have therapy to discuss how he’s feeling? Can you afford this and this should be a big aim. This worked absolute wonders for my DN.
3. University isn’t everything. Is there anything he’s interested in that he can do vocationally? Car mechanic/ plumbing/ game design/ coding… but a specific course that triggers a spark in him?? There are so many available.

all the above we did for my DN the last two years.

How you get him moving in the day will be based on an agreement you all have together aimed at improving his MH.
I was very strict that my DN had to be up by 10 and go straight in the shower every day. I did tell him that the reason was he smelled and I didn’t like it. However I appreciate this tactic may not be right straight away in your situation. I also fixed his room for him with a big bin, linen basket and once a day before dinner bringing cups down. I would say it was 70% effective. But this may be too much too soon for you - we’d had the assessment and therapy. Plus I had a brilliant bond with him and he knew he was on his last chance so wanted to cooperate. It was hard.

I hope you can see a way through and communicate a solution with your DH that helps you all xx

Not picking on anyone in particular, but I think people are missing the invisible labour that comes with the DSS moving back in.

What would you do if it was one of your children? Would you say "no way, find your own way", or let them move back in with a strict deadline of when they had to have a job, how much board they will be paying and some ground rules regarding anti-social behaviour? Either way, that has to be your answer.

Or would you, (c) let them move back in and completely delegate the deadlines, rule-enforcement and additional housework to their step-parent. Because that's a more accurate comparison.

Alternatively, he has a supportive father currently who may be able to encourage him to access mental health support and can at least ensure he is fed, clothed and has access to medication.

Does he? I've not read anything to indicate that he is.

Your concerns are valid but your husband wants to support his son as any good parent does.

Again, does he?

Why do your Sons get to live with you but not his?

Because she is providing all the additional labour. The house might be a joint resource for her DH to allocate, but her time is not.

Another armchair psychiatrist mistaking fecklessness for MH issues. The boy has had his first taste of freedom at uni and got into bad habits. He doesn’t need medicating, he needs a kick up the arse and a dose of reality, not the enabling of a life on benefits.

!00%, and as for the mental health angle, why not throw in the MN bingo cards favourites is he senile, narcissitic or would all be solved by a spa day ?
These seem to cover a whole range of problems on here from the armchair doctors.

If he lives with you there needs to be house rules implemented by your husband and he needs to follow trough

Although at his age he shouldn't have to be given any, but his actions tell a different story, so what rules has your DH put in place for his DS to follow if he does move in and is he equally as happy to give him an ultimatum, of move out if he doesn't follow them?

Or is he quite happy with his DS to carry on as he does just bumming around being carried by everyone else?

Does your DSS listen if you ask him not to take food to his room, or to be more respectful in the choices he makes remembering he's not the only one living there?

With two other school age DC in the house he can't be keeping them awake and disturbing them all night long, or being the cause of any arguments.

Sounds like your marriage is over then op. If you cave and have him, your marriage won’t be able to take the stress. FWIW, I wouldn’t let him stay either. Of course your husband (and ex) should be supporting, but that does not mean he has to move in with you. He may not be well and they need to be finding out, not issuing you with ultimatums! If you can talk sense to your husband then great, but I’d get your ducks in a row op, in case this blows up. I’m really sorry.

Absolutely. Either way it's going to be a shit situation. I don't begrudge the OP this dilemma at all.

What an arrogant post.

Who makes you the judge on who has actual mental health problems?

Having no motivation, poor sleep pattern, poor personal hygiene, using alcohol most nights, not leaving the house are SIGNS OF DEPRESSION.

This is why it’s STILL a taboo subject to speak about depression, because utter ignorant people like you sneer and call depressed people “lazy”.

That’s what’s insulting!

You need to talk to your DH so that you agree the house rules and then he talks to his DS etc. You need to both agree that if he doesn't follow house rules then he is out. Simple rules such as get up, shower, get dressed, llok for/go to work.
No takeaways after X time and all rubbish to be put in bin. No gaming after X time, and wifi cut off for his device at that point.

This is very common in teenage boys, and if the parents don't stop it then of course it will continue.

Your DH needs to be a parent , he is not doing his son any favours by letting this behaviour continue.

I’d only agree to this if dh is on board with enforcing ground rules.

Could you make it conditional on therapy..?

Thing is, you don't know what is going on behind the scenes here. He may just be a lazy fucker. He may have mental health issues (note, higher suicide risk for young males). He may have a developmental thing going on. Point is - you don't know.

If your marriage is basically sound, then do consider this.

I wouldn’t want him moving in with me - If he were mine I wouldn’t (couldn’t ) abandon him. I can understand both of your positions. What I couldn’t accept is DH position that he will just take his son as he is and not address the problems. They need to be addressed sooner rather than later, your husband is enabling this lifestyle and behaviour. I think stepson needs professional help - and your DH needs help too, to learn how to play his part in managing this. It can’t go on as it is - either you’ll have to go, then stepson gets worse, or you and DH (together) help him to change.

Time for some good honest parenting from the two of you. Sounds like you are both pretty genuine people without hidden agendas so use this as an opportunity to parent the SS. Parenting isnt a popularity contest and telling something they dont like to hear can also come from love.

1. Tell your DH you are willing to accept the SS in your house on a few provisors that both he and his son need to agree too.

2. Tell SS he is on 1 chance. No second chances and make it clear to him that his situation has put strain on your marriage and if he fails its likely that he and his father will be looking for a new home

3. Make a list of minimums required. Personal hygiene, waking up times, cleaning behind them. Be very clear and very heavy handed. You actually want to make the SS question if he wants to stay there. Point out you will be militant with it. He leaves his clothes lying around you will throw them in the bin. He doesnt get out of bed before a certain time you will expect his father to drag him out of bed. He agrees to live as a family unit.

4. Get the husband to agree to it 100% or not at all

5. Tell SS he cant move in until he has a job. Supermarkets, MacDonald's, anywhere. And charge him rent and let him know this will be non negotiable. He pays or he moves out.

Make your SS grow up. Make him realise that the world owes him nothing. Make his father realise this will make his son a better person and save your marriage.