Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

It really isn't unusual for young men to struggle with the transition from teenage idiot to responsible adult, particularly if their parenting has been less than adequate and split across two homes.

The main issue here though really seems to be your husbands intransigent approach to a conversation about boundaries with him. He may technically be an adult but if his parents failed to teach him how to be one, he needs his father to treat him as if he is 5 years younger than he is. It needs to come from him, not you and be consistent.

Whatever his current source of money is needs to end. Along with unlimited internet etc. No night time pizza deliveries. If SS wants to be in a family home, he has to respect the rules of that home.

I suspect that he has been Disney dad for years and is generally a man who thinks the hard part of parenting is women's work. Until he changes that mindset, this young man will not mature.

This is madness. The younger two aren’t even with your DH. Your DH is a loser of a father and a bully to boot trying to threaten you into accepting his disaster of a kid. This is NOT your kid and you don’t have to pick up the pieces. You have no authority to enforce any rules or boundaries and your DH has no plans of stepping up and actually parenting. Off they both trot!

That wouldn't necessarily be unreasonable if OP was repeatedly throwing away her job chances because she was lazy and more interested in gaming all night, and was generally making life hell for everyone else despite being asked not to.

I’d be asking him if he’d like any help packing his bags.
If he is prepared to throw away your marriage without being a decent adult and having a conversation re expectations and consequences then I’d open the door for him. Awful behaviour.

Of course I understand that he wants to support his son but is he actually supporting him, or is he enabling him? Why on earth would his son want to change his lifestyle when he’s got it so cushy without any boundaries or expectations?

Together with the fact that there are two teenage boys in the house, you’ve got your hands full with elderly parents and your husband works until late. Who does he think is going to pick up all the slack here? YOU!

Like I said, it’s the ultimatum that would do it for me.

Her DH moved in with her? Stepson chose to stay with his own mother? Lots of reasons why families can end up with one parent’s child living with them permanently, but not all. It probably wouldn’t be an issue if he was parented properly.

Your husband can't abandon his son and you can't expose your sons to this lifestyle so you will have to live separately. Can you continue a relationship while living separately?

The bit where the OP explained in detail how things fared previously when her stepson was staying at their house...

I'd call his bluff. It's not like he wants to actually help his son or even be affected by his bad habits - all that is going to fall on you.

I do understand both you and your husband’s position. It is good that he wants to prioritise his son. However, it does not sound he has stepped up with regards to setting boundaries and parenting his son. This is key.

A lot of previous posters have suggested that your DSS needs to have clear boundaries and expectations set out before he moves in in relation to cleanliness of his room, personal hygiene, education or job hunting and so on. I would want also to provide support around his MH/ drinking / possible ND assessments or all three. But this is not your role - your husband has to step up. It is all very well saying that his son should be offered a home, but if he is not going to parent then nothing will change.

i would be giving the ultimatum to your husband. Well, I don’t like the term ultimatum- but I would be clear that I expect him to parent, implement boundaries, assist with access support regarding MH and also jobs. SS needs to contribute to the household, if not financially then with taking responsibility for some household tasks and so on. If your husband is not prepared to do so, then it sounds as though the marriage would be over.

As things stands, I would be very worried about the example set to your sons. However, if they see parental expectations and boundaries then at least they are not giving the message that bumming around and living off mum and dad is an option for their future.

He's giving you an ultimatum? Well give him one back.

If you allow his son to move in, there are certain expectations, including:

• being respectful to the others that live there - by that I mean having the common decency to not live in a pig stye - no food to be left in his room, expectations of washing and not smelling and, if he doesn't, tell him to his face that he stinks.
• he must get a job or be actively searching for one.
• fixed chores that he is expected to do - for the benefit of himself and the whole household
• etc, etc

Put a time limit on things - to be reviewed after month 1, 3, 6, 12, etc.

If he doesn't pull his weight, then you turn it around on your DH and say if it's not all done according to what you want, then you'll divorce him!

Only way this is going to work is ground rules, and a timescale to get a job, any job, he can't be picky, even if he still looks for an apprenticeship he takes on any work he can until he finds one. He does his own washing and clearing up after himself. He eats with the family rather than ordering food in unless its a weekend or something. Get his father to speak to him about his hygiene and tell him it is noticeable. Give him clean bedding every Friday and tell him to change his sheets and to give his room a quick hoover round. No pots in the bedroom. If he takes something up he brings it back down and washes up after himself. Does he have his own room at your house?

I feel like I am left with the brunt of this .

I think this is the key problem.

The suggestions about structure are great, and I would guess that the OP's husband would love his son's life to be more structured - the problem is that the he doesn't seem to be around during the day to set the boundaries.

Ok. That’s how things were in the past, he now wants to move back in. I said they need ground rules. Not sure what I’ve said that’s so controversial. Others have said similar. I stand by my comment.

I think you're both right. But you need to call your husband and your SS's bluff. Let them go off and live together. Your DH will soon tire of having to 1) police his son and 2) being responsible for the household with a dropout (cleaning, cooking, the filth and smell).

You have to stand firm. Tell him you love him, but if he's too old for studying he's too old for living at home and need to live independently. I don't think your husband will leave. But equally, you don't have to give in because of his threat.

FFS, the boys OWN mother won't have him home for a reason!

The OP will be the carer/maid/housekeeper for this guy. How absolutely convenient that her husband works late and will dodge all of the hassle at home while being able to declare how he saved the day and let his “poor, struggling, depressed, neurodivergent son with the underdeveloped brain because he’s not 25 yet” come stay.

Meanwhile, she’ll be demented with the noise, smell, the laziness, the dirt. Don’t martyr yourself, OP. You’ll run yourself into the ground and will send your own kids the wrong message.

Completely agree with this as I’m seeing this situation unfolding within my own extended family and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be the one to pick up the pieces. He’s not that much older than your own sons! Although your husband dismissing your idea of helping him with renting on his own is not on, for me. You do need to stay firm that this is still a viable alternative.

As others are mentioning, has he ever been assessed for ADHD? Obviously that may be way off beam when all we can go on is a few words on a screen, but what you describe (nice young person who is completely chaotic, naturally nocturnal, can't hold down any form of responsibility, is seeking constant dopamine hits, can't keep himself or his environment clean, is escaping into a virtual world, is bright but overwhelmed - if he's at uni at all he is presumably reasonably bright and got A levels) would be indicators, if he has also been disorganised, unreliable, scattered and absent-minded growing up. Is he fidgety, too?

The reason it's worth mentioning this isn't because "everyone needs a label these days!" but because if he is, ADHD is very unusual in having medication that works effectively for 75% of those who try it. If he doesn't have ADHD then no harm getting it looked into. If he does, it could be life-alteringly positive to have it treated. And it is extremely treatable.

Again, this may not be the case. But it's also much more common than people realise (the massive increase in diagnosis isn't 'over diagnosis' because we still have a lower rate of diagnosed people than the believed prevalence in society) and if he does have it, then it could impact his life very positively to have it treated. And so it would be very sensible to consider if it may be the case - just as you would if someone exhibited signs of diabetes.

Ground rules. Only way. Shape up or ship out or at the very least some meaningful consequences.

I can understand your feelings. To me it sounds like the SS’s mental health is really poor and your DH needs to address this head on with the mother if she is around.

But the implication is that the father won't enforce that, it will all be left to the OP. is that right?

No sympathy for you OP.

You are more fussed about your 'lovely home' and smells than DSS? Get over yourself!!! Shallow AF.

There are people who need help in life. He is one of them. Step.up.and help with your OH or do them a favour and leave.

What would the impact be on your sons if your DH moved out? How upset would they be?

I think you need to be clear about your rrasons because some of it just sounds like you dissaprove. The rotting pizza and hygiene issue is a valid complaint. Less so the being nocturnal- does that impact on you? He's in his toom out the way...how does it affect you? Are he or his computer games waking you up? If so it's understandable, otherwise it's harder to argue - he can get his own breakfast at 4pm and you just carry on as you were. Is he "chatting" or playing with people in other time zones? Is he depressed maybe? Struggles with sleep?

The financial impact I can see but it's a family member so if it can be afforded his dad can suck it up.

Actually, I was like this for a bit. Dropped out of uni, wanted to spend all day in bed but also go out and get wasted at night. I was hugely depressed and had unmedicated ADHD which I’d always had but was struggling without now I was out of the routine of school. I went massively downhill and wasn’t very clean and tidy. It took time and support but I got there.
I’m now a functioning adult, married with DC, and fairly successful in my career. It’s crazy that you would write your own child off due to them struggling for a period of their life - If you can’t handle your children at their absolute worst then you really shouldn’t have had any.

OP get your stepson some support, I guarantee he needs it. He will not be happy, he will not be feeling good about himself and his life, but he will be in a hole that he can’t seem to get himself out of.

Could you not turn the ultimatum around and say his son can move in and DH has to ensure he turns his life around else your marriage is over as you can’t live with a slob?

The fact your step-son is not washing, wearing dirty clothing, laying in bed all day and gaming all night, suggests there's a MH issue here. He's not been attending university or completing his work either. None of this is normal behaviour. I'm not saying there's not some laziness thrown in there too. How was your step-son at school and 6th Form? Were there similar issues? You and your husband need to sit down and talk in a calm manner. He needs to understand that his son's behaviour isn't typical of a young man of his age, and there's clearly something more going on. You can't expect your husband not to provide his son a home, no more than he can expect you not to provide one for your children. However, you both need to agree ground rules, your husband needs to parent his son and offer to help him seek support. He can't bury his head in the sand, and pretend all is OK, because it clearly isn't. He's responsible for his son, and that means you can't be expected to bear the brunt of it on his behalf!!