Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

God Im sick of seeing the 'brain not developed' trope all the time.

Young peoples brains are more elastic, less rigid, more flexible, this is an evolutionary advantage so that the young (who are more fit, agile, fertile, stronger) are able to take bigger risks, be more creative, think quicker and sharper to advance human development and procreation.

It DOESNT mean you have to have low expectations that adults cant take responsibility for themselves, live responsible lives, hold down jobs, make decisions for themselves, keep themselves safe.

God knows how people managed years ago when it was routine that you had a job or apprenticeship at 14. Then ran a family at a young age, how on earth did this happen when you cant really expect someone of 19 to wash a cup up. Wasnt Nelson captain at the age of 21 or something like that.

I think given the history, say of course as husband's son he is welcome until he's on his feet. But he is a grown adult and if he's not studying, only if he has already secured a full day day time job (last thing you want is a pub job in the evenings then he's gaming all night and hanging around all day) and has signed up to house rules. You should put the house rules together. e.g. WIFI for the whole house goes off at night.

If husband won't agree to putting rules in place in advance, don't let DSS move in. If husband wants to move out, so be it. It worries me that he wasn't willing for the child to go into a house share which you'd suggested so finances must allow.

Actually a (much better behaved) friend was asked to leave by his own mother, because she couldn't handle the stress of what time he came in at night/whether he was coming home/where he was (I understand that now with older boys coming and going!). Adult children are not wanted in the house for all sorts of reasons by their biological parents, don't be stepmother guilted into this unreasonable situation.

People seem to make all sort of excuses for their adult children being at home these days, like saving up for a deposit when in many cases the adult children are not doing that but spending money on lifestyle. House shares are not expensive aside from a few major cities. It's probably linked to people having children later in life, having fewer of them and investing more in them and can't quite detach.

Can you create ‘rules’ which you and your dh agree on and if he doesn’t abide, he goes? Like no deliveries after 9pm, shower at least every other day. Change and wash own sheets once a week, do own laundry, household task etc. apply and evidence x job applications….

If he's a nice young man then you need to tell him the rules of him living with you. He finds a job, even if only a temporary one so he isn't lounging around all day. Talk to him about paying board (once he has a job) and contributions to chores he will have to muck in with. Sounds like he's had enough time lounging about, and he needs to deal with that.
As a 'welcome gift' I would buy him some bath and shower stuff and deodorant, new towels as a not so subtle nod to his hygiene

He may need help! Does he have any neurodivergence? How were his school days? My son has inattentive ADHD and this is exactly how it can manifest in those settings when overwhelmed- like a PP poster said. If it is that, they can get stuck in loop of guilt and shame and inaction and it needs a short sharp intervention.

Either way Dad needs to step up. His working hours need to be around helping his son in the short term. It’s not on you to have these difficult conversations.

Either way he needs help right now and may be some extra support to move forward. May be counselling would help too.

Routine is everything and your SS son needs to recalibrate and start again.

But in this case the OPs husband is a Disney Dad so it will be her doing the work.
Gaming is an addiction that is hard to break. His own parents need to do that. Not OP.

Really? He's a slob because his brain isn't developed enough not to be one. Dear God, we had the basics of how to help with housework, chores, tidy bedroom, and taking baths off pat by the time we were 7 - and I am now 67. What happened to stop brains developing since the 1960/70's? Some form of new brain rot? Honestly, the excuses people will make for young (and not so young) adults being slobs. He's being asked to get a job and act like a sociable member of a household - not undertake a moon walk or climb Everest.

IF you agree that he can move in, set your ground rules first, and he moves in agreeing to and knowing them. If he doesn't want to agree, then he needs to sort other accommodation out. I'd also set a time to evaluate (eg 4 months), on if the arrangement is working and being upheld.

I'd suggest;

• Room has to be kept in a decent state of hygiene (no dirty dishes or food left festering). You won't clean it!
• He contributes a set amount of money (maybe starting after a month or two to give him chance to get a job) - He's an adult, and will have been paying rent at uni, so this isn't unreasonable, and will give him some incentive to work. If he's paying for takeaways and drinks, he can afford to pay some board.
• His lifestyle (sleeping pattern, gaming etc) CANNOT disrupt the rest of the family (so he can't be shouting at daft o'clock, or hoarding dishes). [I wouldn't dictate that he has to be up or asleep by a certain time]
• He maintains a decent standard of hygiene himself (washing his own clothes and bedding, showering etc).
• He joins you for family dinner twice a week.
• He contributes around the house by doing XYZ (Eg cooking dinner once a week, cleaning the bathroom weekly, keeping the garden mowed and tidy, doing the washing up every other day). I'd also implement this with your younger sons too, so everyone has some chores, his should be greater if he's not working or paying much rent, but everyone in the house should be contributing something.
• I'd also be clear on what he 'gets' - whether his board includes food, you and his dad doing washing or cooking, use of the car etc.

It sounds like he may be a bit depressed and unmotivated, so I'd also gently suggest some help for that - whether counselling, a GP appointment or some other kind of support.

Discuss with your husband a reasonable level of house rules for everyone (SS included)- dishes must be washed, self service clothes/bedding washing, contribute to household food costs and/or contrbution to cooking x nights a week, doing dishwasher/rubbish etc etc. If SS abides by the rules, happy days- everyone can live alongside each other with some compromise, if he doesn't he's out. If you can't agree on reasonable rules that everyone in the house has to follow, or if your SS doesn't follow the rules and your DH doesn't like it then you'll need 2 households and it's time to go your seperate ways...

You cant really leave him homeless.
However, what would your husband expect if it was your boys living to the same poor standard?
My parents had the rule that once 18, you were in education, or you were paying rent. he should have a similar expectation. A share of household chores, employment or education and to be a respectful memeber of the house (clean, polite not smelling).
Your husband needs to agree to these things, then the two of you ensure his son agrees together.
the sleeping pattern may take a little while to fix, but it can be done, and then jobs can be applied for, and whilst he is applying, he can pick up some of the housework as his contribution (assuming you boys help out around studying).
I wouldn't argue the above would be difficult to agree between yourself and your husband.

“Can be” doing a awful lot of heavy lifting there.

“Can be” also means “but in the minority of cases”.

Did any of these courses recommend enabling the behaviour as a sensible solution? Because up until now that is what the boy’s parents have been doing and neither intend to change that approach.

In the meant time, people with actual MH problems to address are sick of being lumped in with every example of bad behaviour knowing that it simply aggravates the discrimination levels. Sometimes people are just arseholes, sometimes people go off the behaviour rails for a period and need managing, not enabling.

This is all pie in the sky, everyone will agree to the roolz and then OP will be left with the shit to clear up

Its all very well saying OP isnt going to clean the room, well if she wants a clean and fresh smelling house she'll have to, because this man child isnt going to and his father (and random strangers on the internet) will be making various excuses for him

The best 'therapy' you can have unless you are severely ill, is to get in a healthy routine, eat healthily, have activity, good sleep hygiene, get a job, have a social life, be responsible for yourself.

I really can’t see any grown adult agreeing to the WiFi going off at night. Also how can you make him shower with a rota? I have a similar family member who I wrote about in a previous post and there is just no way ‘rules’ would work. Even if they agreed in theory there is no way they would stick to them. It would just create a lot of stress for everyone else.

I suppose you could say these are the rules, if you don’t like it find somewhere else to stay. However your husband won’t support you nor would he enforce any rules.

Are you and your husband still in touch with him? Is he doing okay now?

This is very sad. He has a serious addiction and it is harming his health and self esteem. He needs a re set. It's a really difficult age leaving full time education and suddenly having no direction. I would be minded to agree to it but on certain provisos:

• he has to seek help for his gaming addiction
• he has 3 months in which to get some form of employment and a plan for the next year ahead
• he starts to either save towards a rental or contribute towards household bills or both.
• he helps around the house.

What can appear as apathy, laziness and slovenliness at this age can actually be low self esteem and low mood.

The issue of your DH however is another matter. That's very childish and controlling to issue an ultimatum. I wouldn't be happy with that.

I had this we were actually living in my house that was s bought before we'd met and he, my partner had a business and rental property. I said I love you but I can't live with your son so if you feel that you want to give him a home you should rent or move into your rental with him. Our relationship is not over but simply moving to one where we do not cohabit. Once stepson is working and independent we can review. Neither partner nor son wanted that and stepson moved back in with his mother. No way he was moving in with 2 hardworking adults and my 2 university age and working. He had form staying up all night gaming, emptying the fridge and loafing about when he did get up. Plus teenage stealing, lying and not showering or cleaning up after himself. My partner had proved entirely incapable of looking after him or disciplining him and I wasn't prepared too.

I do find a lot of young people live this kind of lifestyle nowadays eg not working or studying, lying around in bed gaming all day, up all night, deliveries to the house, constant social media, no personal standards, not even keeping themselves or their room clean and tidy. They don’t even need to go to the shops or the pub to meet a mate.

My young adult dc has a whole group of friends like this. Living on universal credit, hanging around vaping/smoking weed, eating takeaways. They all come across as nice people and intelligent. Maybe they have health problems, I wouldn’t know, but I do think at least some of them choose it as a lifestyle. I find it very sad.

Who the fuck does your husband think he is? He’s not the boss, despite his unbelievable arrogance. Making threats to force you to accommodate is disgusting son is appalling.

And that sums up what your H thinks of you! Time to put yourself first now.

He's choosing to prioritise his son which is good of him, unfortunately he's doing it with no boundaries and possibly in a way not in his son's best interests.

You need to prioritise your sons and having this soap dodger lounging round the house all day won't make a nice home for them.

I think you need to tell him that your marriage is over when he starts issuing you with ultimatums!
Which of the two of you will be worse off in the event of your marriage ending?

Yes, people talking about rules are being very naive. OP can hardly frog march him into the shower. Her choice is whether to accept DSS moving in, behaving like she knows he will and becoming her problem, or not.

I couldn't live anywhere where I couldn't take my son in in his hour if need, even if it was self inflicted, so yes, one of us would have to move out if you wouldn't have him in our shared home.

I've done lots of work with homeless adults that the only difference between me/my friends/colleagues and those (mostly) men is that we had someone to catch us when we made poor decisions in early adulthood.

IF you do agree, I'd make him a lodger. He would have a contract, he would have house rules and if he doesn't comply, he gets removed. I'd call the police to remove him too!

I'm really shocked at some of these responses and I don't believe for a minute that any of these women would refuse to give their own son a home in the same circumstances. DH is right to put his son first IMO, even if he is an adult. Being a young adult is hard parenting doesn't stop when they turn 18 and the support we get in early adulthood has enormous impact on later outcomes.

I completely understand why OP doesn't want him there and that's her choice, but I also fully understand why that's a deal breaker for DH.