Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

@Champaganesupernova well good luck! I expect your dh and ss will promise everything you ask for. Yes he’ll hunt for a job/shower/bring his clothes for you to wash/not stay up all night gaming (and keeping half the house awake?)/will cook once a week etc etc.
Then he’ll move in and carry on exactly as he did before.
Why do you and your boys have to pick up his pieces? He’s 19, not a child. Your dh needs to find a better solution to help his son grow up and be an adult.

If my adult son was determined to live like a slob and sponge off me, then I'd be first in the line to throw him out! This is not a child, it's a lazy good-for-nothing adult who will remain like that as long as he is permitted to. He can live like that with dad if dad is happy with it, but they are both welcome to leave. He is what his father has permitted.

OP when DSS lived with you before, how did his dad deal with it? Did he try to make DSS change? Did you say anything to DH and what was his reaction? Did he tell you to put up and shut up?

That tells you what it's going to be like and unless DH is going to recognise the impact this has on everyone else and make sure it doesn't happen I'd be out.

You love DH now, but having DSS there permanently under the same conditions as before will erode that very quickly anyway.

You can give him all the house rules you like but your step son will not turn his life around until he's ready to do so; it's his decision not yours, or his father's. What he will do is tell you anything he needs to say to move in. It will then be impossible to get him to move out when it becomes clear that nothing has changed. What will you do then? His father certainly won't be backing you.

Why do you think a lot of young men end up homeless?

In some cases, it's because they can't or won't accept the need to go to bed at a sensible time, get up in the morning and go to work, and therefore can't get or keep a job. That's unfortunate, but giving them a cushy billet will simply perpetuate the problem.

When you say you really love your husband, that doesn’t stack up for me with the fact that he’s delivered this ultimatum rather than coming at it from the point of view of understanding the impact on the family and initiating a conversation of what needs to happen to make it work. I get he doesn’t want to turn his back on his son but what is he proposing to do to make it okay? He’s moving in and carrying on as normal, and if you don’t like it we’re done is not what a loveable man or good husband would say. Does he generally take this “my way or the highway” attitude towards important decisions in the marriage? It doesn’t sound like a healthy equal partnership.

Set boundaries with him and include your husband! Tell him he gets up at a reasonable time, showers and dresses. He’s old enough to do his own washing. Say this is a 6 week trial period and if he doesn’t follow the rules he needs to find somewhere else to live. Point out for any job he needs good hygiene.

It's well known the brains of young people are still developing and are different from those of adults. They need support until things change and that could take a long time. I'm not really surprised that so many young people are screwed up these days because there's nowhere for them to go if they fall by the wayside a bit. Plenty of people have gone through similar phases and come out the other side. Parenting is surely about being there for the difficult times as well as the cute fun times.

This has to be the only way forward. I would be crystal clear about this. It's entirely unacceptable for your DH to refuse to see the situation needs to be ok for everybody.

Once he is back in the door he can do as he pleases. His father is not around.

Only foolish people think you can force another young adult to do something when their own parents don't care.

Sure. This young man is not well. But his parents need to sort him out, not OP.

You are wrong that young people have nowhere to go these days because literally everyone I know is housing their adult kids, step kids AND their partners. And most of the extra work falls on women.

I think there can be compromise here. You can say all these things to your DH and say if he lives with you there needs to be ground rules and he needs to hold his son accountable.

Such as the son needs to pay £100 a month in board and he needs to find a job within 3 months and provide evidence he’s doing these things

Thing is, if SS moves in with all these ground rules and a 6-week trial period, and then fails to adhere to them especially with his Disney Dad in the background - then what?

Because SS will then be living in the house, OP will then get told off for cruelly kicking out SS from his home (which would arguably be even more 'unkind' than refusing him admittance in the first place).

The idea of a "trial period" or "ground rules" is, in practical terms, pie-in-the-sky. SS is either IN, with no realistically enforceable conditions, or OUT.

Also, in some cases because people (usually middle aged women) insist that they cannot be responsible for their behaviour because of:

neurodivergence
depression
their brain not developing until age 25
childhood trauma
Andrew Tate
gaming addiction

This ridiculous approach where there simply must be a reason for someone being a lazy, entitled sponger is infuriating. Pathetic parents raising pathetic offspring who can’t do the basics like work, clean themselves, tidy their surroundings and have respect for others.

Is offering a compromise an option I.e saying he can move in but only after he’s secured employment and started the job so you can have some assurance he won’t be bumming about and has taken some steps to bettering himself?

So your husband's out at work all day while you have to deal with his son? No wonder he doesn't mind. It's like those men who invite their parents and then leave their partners to entertain them while they escape to work.

With respect, I think that's a bit of an oversimplification. All households function differently and some people do indeed make these situations work. It's not always true that it's the woman running herself ragged as the rest of the people in the house feed off her energy and selfishly get their own way. That's an unnecessary dramatisation. Many people face these situations head on and find useful solutions. And in fact, I think we do a disservice to women by suggesting that at the first sign of trouble they will not try to find good compromises that leave everyone in tact.

I wouldn't want this, but he's your DH's son, so I think you have to give him a chance but with clear ground rules in advance, fully supported by your DH e.g. no takeaways or use of kitchen after a certain time, no food in bedroom, he cooks for the family once a week, he applies for min wage jobs before he arrives and whilst waiting to find an apprenticeship etc. He should have a few weeks left on the uni accommodation already paid for, and therefore there's time to make arrival at yours dependent on evidence of serious job hunting in advance. He's at an age where people do change and grow up, especially with the shock of being chucked out of uni. He may be a better housemate than past behaviour indicates if there are clear expectations and consequences.

The OP says they are in full-time education, so presumably they are not lying in a stinking pit all day.

Sorry OP, I can understand why you don’t want him living there, but given your husband lives with your two sons then I don’t think it’s fair to refuse his son a home too.
I’d lay down strict rules around food in room, a deadline for being in employment etc and make it clear what the consequences for breaking these are.

I started by thinking that neither of you are wrong here but, honestly, I wouldn't be happy about him moving in and would not be threatened with an ultimatum. Especially by a parent that has clearly failed his son. This behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere and clearly his parents have just allowed this attitude to develop and to continue.
There are a lot of harsh comments about him on this thread and I can understand to a point, he IS an adult afterall, but the lack of hygiene is actually concerning at that age and often a symptom of a bigger issue.

Not your problem to 'fix' or accept, OP, or to do anything that you're not comfortable with. I would commend your DH for his stance if it wasn't so clear that he has no intention of actually helping his son in any meaningful way. He's just doing the absolute minimum and putting it on you to actually deal with.

I think I would say 6 months in a rental house to shape up first, where you sipport him with remt. He has to get a job and stick at it for 6 months, has to be clean and presentable etc. If he can do that then he can move in (although hopefully shaping up a bit and being independent will make him want yo stay that way). I would sell it to your DH as not just being about him being smelly and lazy but more about how can the two if you best support him to gain the life skills he needs. Living independently in a house share would be better for teaching him to maintain a job, look after himself etc. Moving him back in just encourages him to just doss about again. He needs to develop stronger self confidence and self esteem. If your DH can't have a reasonable conversation about it then I agree it isn't a marriage worth keeping anyway ultimately, unfortunately.

The nocturnal lifestyle in itself wouldn't bother me over much as it sounds like my 2 DDs. This is how they lived for their last few years at school and then at uni (they went to local unis so lived at home). However the big difference was that they only did this on Friday/Saturday nights and during the holidays. It was quite common for either of them to be getting up at 4 pm. The rest of the time they lived in the same time zone as normal people.

However the situation with your SS is obviously more worrying as he obviously can't switch this off and on so he can live in the real world. The fact it has resulted in him being kicked out of uni means he is not in control of things. The lack of personal hygiene could suggest mental health problems. He is clearly struggling. He probably needs help and some boundaries rather than rejection. You say he is a nice lad and you like him - so maybe give him a last chance?

If it were me I would agree to a trial period of him living back with you but with some firm new rules and basic expectations. For example no food in his room, basic standards of cleanliness, pulling his weight with helping out around the house. Give him some specific areas of responsibility around the house, especially while he is still unemployed and hold him to doing them. . What can he do for example to make your life easier? Also he has a set period to find some sort of paid employment. At the start it is made very clear to him that he is not going to add to the burdens of your already busy life. You need to have a calm talk with your DH about how you can best help this lost soul, rather than just enabling his life to spiral further downwards. If he can't comply with your house rules then it needs to be made clear he will have to move on at the end of the trial period. Conversations with him should be based around how you want to help him get his life back on track.

As a matter of interest who is bankrolling all of this for him? Will he also not also have accrued huge uni debts with nothing to show for it?

I would say ditto, because no way he would move in and you would be happy.

Why don’t you end the marriage op ?