Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

I wouldn’t have any respect for a man who thinks imposing an ultimatum like on me to have his own way.
Thats not how good relationship work. They work on adult communication, compromise and listening to the other person point of view.

The OP has never said she doesn’t want the ds there. She says she (and the other two people living in the house) have issues with the BO smell, the mouldy pizza boxes etc…. She says she has issues with the ds doing nothing but gaming all night and sleeping all day. Something any responsible parent would have issues with.
She is more of a parent to that young adult than he is!

And btw short terms rental idea has been refused. So is having ground rules.
In those circumstances, do you really think the OP should accept unsanitary living conditions and the extra work coming with it wo batting eye lid? She isn’t just a maid in the household. She is supposed to be a partner whose needs and opinions are equally valid.

Letting a grown man doss about does not benefit him. You need to teach your stepson how to adult with some tough love. You and your husband need to sit down and agree ground rules and expectations. He is required to work and pay so much in rent, he does his own washing, he contributes to the cooking for the family etc. However If he refuses to act like a grown man then I’d probably lose my rag and remove the gaming system. If he insists on behaving like a child then treat him like one.

DS2 left university with a degree but no job. He discovered he could claim some sort of benefit (this was 20 years ago). DH said fine to live with us but he must hand over most of his benefit for board and lodging.
DS2 was not happy so found a bed sit in the next road and moved in.
initially he was rather pleased with his little nest.
Then it was ‘Mum could I use the washing machine?’ and ‘Are you doing anything special for supper’ The charm of independence wore off, he came back home and got a job.
Everyone happy.

Does your DH threaten you with divorce every time he doesn't get his way?

I think you need to tell DH you will not give in to ultimatums. This is your and your DCs home too.

That DSS lives with his mother UNLESS:

the wifi/internet is disconnected at midnight-7am (we did this for similar reasons to ensure DCs could not game all night)
DS gets a job/volunteers/gets UC and pays his way
he showers daily
does a weekly wash
keeps his room clean
no take outs between 10pm-8am

otherwise, DH can move out and get a flat share with DSS

Yes, the bit where I said op shouldn't put herself and her kids in a situation she's unhappy with clearly meant "oi woman, you're just the maid, do as your told" 🤔🙄

Your husband doesn't love you though, no one who who loved you would want to put you through this.

What is the split of housework like? Who cooks, cleans? Is the house jointly owned?

Exactly what I was going to suggest.

And I agree with pps that his behaviour may well be an indication that there is something wrong. I have a niece who games all night and stops showering when she's having an autistic burnout.

Why don't you set some ground rules. No sleeping all day, must keep room tidy, no food etc, must shower regularly. Must actively seek out work/apprenticeship. I think it's interesting that his Mum doesn't have space for him.

I think you have to accommodate the idea, but with ground rules.
He lives how you all live in your house:
clean,tidy, help, sociable hours, get/look for work, cut the length of time on games/media and exist in the real world
That’s the deal.
Get DH and SS together to agree and be clear there’s no room for slack, if he breaks it he’s out within the week.

I've worked with clients with MH issues for 20+ years.

Every MH training course I've ever been on has highlighted neglect of personal and household hygiene as indicators that someone can be heading for a MH crisis.

The problem is that the OP is the only one around to impose ground rules (often a hard and tedious job) and she has a job, her own children and her mother to deal with.

Definate no, if hubby doesnt like it he can go, i would say the adult because that is who he is can live with his mum and when hes been in a full time job for 6 months and likes it and wants to stay in it you may re think him moving in with you and this is how much rent he will pay, you will be the one looking after this adult buying the food and feeding him and doing his washing and cleaning up after him, hubby works late you will be stuck with him and if he moves in he will never work and never leave, his mother has had enough,

Easy to say lay down the ground rules, but I expect the piss taking SS won't step up and behave properly

Op ends up nagging and feeling resentful.

No doubt DH won' make the piss taking son move out and op is stuck living with an adult male with questionable living habits.

There is no happy ending here for the OP

No, you can't kick him out, he is your DH's son.

What you must do is set very clear and fair conditions on his stay. Don't go too harsh with the conditions, make them achievable for him.

Write a list of your firm Must Dos. And what will be the consequences if not abided to. Discuss with DH. Then the pair of you discuss with SS. Tell him you want to support him but life can't continue like this. Be loving and supportive as well as strict.

Tell him that's fine and the talk about what splitting up looks like needs to happen. He's probably calling your bluff, but any person who would use their marriage as an ultimatum needs the rug pulled.

I second this, his dad is failing him not pulling him up on this, it's gross! and as mentioned by a PP a bad influence on your other boys.

Your husband has a failure to launch and he's making it your problem by giving you a drastic ultimatum. Your husband works late and won't be dealing with the home issues as much. It will be left to you

I'd tell him since his mom won't have stepson, he can find a place and move in with his son and live like that and support him the rest of his life.

I just couldn't live like that and it would be showing your kids that it's acceptable to live like that. If he can do it, so can they.

He’s an adult.

He's not well, is he.

Whatever it may be, depression, ADHD etc, he needs help.

And it seems both his parents have failed him. Failed to teach him and support him and see when things were going wrong and get him that help when he was younger. Poor lad. Life must seem a bit bleak, and I don't see much sympathy coming from you either.

But the thing is, this is your home, your own younger kids. You will probably be the one doing all the stuff around an extra person living there, not your husband.

It's absolutely normal that you don't feel the same way about this young man as he does. And that your concerns for your own sons wellbeing are setting alarm bells going.

If it was your own son you'd probably want him near you, and I'd imagine your husband is very worried - but being rubbish about expressing it. The threats may be his fear lashing out. Remember this is the man who brought this son up, his own mum's washed her hands of him, so it all sounds quite dysfunctional.

Might there be a compromise?

Boundaries and rules - your home, you get to set them too.

It would be a condition of moving in that first he understands the rules.

Doctor's appointments, therapy as needed must be attended. Any problem with that, it's his father's duty to support and facilitate that, not yours. A condition of you agreeing.

The room must be kept clean and tidy and hygienic. If he doesn't do it, his father will do it. And the laundry. Not you.

Your husband will take the responsibility for him, not you, and if that means changing his plans, missing work, tough.

If his sons behaviour towards you or your own children is cause for concern, he leaves.

And your husband will stop issuing threats.

This could be the best thing for him, and for his father. And you'll have been part of that.

I am ASD I left home at 17, average job, I worked hard, shared a house. I had a 2nd job evenings & weekends in a pub, I worked hard and saved.
I brought my first small starter home age 21.

I set up a successful business age 35, semi retired at 50, married 30 years. My sister however took the lazy route and was subsidized her whole adult life by my parents or boyfriends. Tough love, my parents would never have carried me like my sister. She now bleats how easy my life has been!! I never had the luxury of dossing around.

Your step son is choosing to live like this enabled by you all tip toeing round him, he will continue to do so, he has been indulged. I doubt girls his age will be attracted to him, a lazy, smelly boy, with no social skills, its not doing him any favours, he is wasting his life, failing to launch, he could be straying into incel territory. Once he reaches 25 no job, no experience, no enthusiasm, presents poorly no one will employ him because he is a waster. How is he intending to pay his uni debt off?
My friends grandson is non verbal autistic and he has a job at Travelodge and left home at 18, with support. No excuse. Let your husband share a flat with him and see how he likes it!

I wouldn’t want him moving in either. Sounds like his own mother is making excuses not to have him back there - presumably he lived there most of the time before uni?
I’m afraid I wouldn’t give in to the ultimatum - it’ll be you saddled with all the hassle if your DH works long hours. If it means the end of your marriage so be it - if you gave in it would cause so much friction it would probably collapse anyway.

How does your husband feel about the way he lives?

That’s awful! You can’t carry on like this and need to put your foot down with your husband.

I would not have him move in with you and your sons. They also complained about him last time. It’s this man’s choice to live as he does and only he can seek help if he thinks it necessary.