Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

The only person who can help this young man is his own self. Not his parents nor the OP.

It is his choice to live as he does currently and no amount of intervention from family is going to help him or them for that matter. Enabling only gives people a false sense of control.

So no I would not pay for a flat share for him. Given his current behaviour they would also complain about him and would want to remove him. And he is seemingly doing nothing about applying for apprenticeships.

It's amazing how many men machinate to get the women in their lives into a position where, no matter what they do, they are seen to be unreasonable with no thought for the woman's feelings at all.

All the load of this will fall to the OP. DH has shown in the past that he will do next to nothing to improve the lot of his son.

This is a hill I would die on for the sake of my own MH. If my marriage needed as a result, so be it.

This person's MH and etc. are not the responsibility of OP and a lot of time has passed in which he could have got help for himself or DH could have got help for him.

His MH will likely pick up no end when he has OP waiting on him hand and foot.

No.

I'd say he is moving in for eg four weeks on condition of

A b and c

. If he is still behaving as before then he needs to find alternate accom

Rinse and repeat

Your husband needs to accept and enforce this too

Yep. So often women's time is seen as a resource for men to allocate as they see fit.

Our DS was like this; gaming, late nights and gross! We gave him an ultimatum get an apprenticeship or join up! He went into the military, and although it didn’t work out for him (an underlying medical problem which none of us knew about), it made him grow up and he’s not been out of work since.
Although it was a hard ultimatum, my DH and I are a team.

Why is this all for OP to do though? It's the DH that needs to do all of this.

This.

Let this man into your house and you’ll forever regret it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he moves in, you do all the “ground rules” nonsense and in six months, when you express your unhappiness that he’s disregarded them, your husband tells you “if you don’t like it leave”. Don’t let this happen OP. If your husband has to go, then ok.

Gets a job before moving in, he needs to prove himself op, were is he living now,
So ground rules as others have said, but definitely needs to be working or in the process of starting a job, plenty of summer work around for students, he pays towards electricity, and food, same rules and boundaries you would expect from your own boys op ,

Did you read it?

Its for the SS & DH to do, not the OP. She tells them what she expects. If its not done, the DH has to drag him out of bed. I suppose i mentioned throwing the SS clothes in the bin but hardly all for the OP to do.

@Champaganesupernova
Your DSS needs help and if you allow him to come and live with you this isn't help, this would be enabling him.
You can set all the boundaries/rules that you think will help but what happens when/if he breaks them. It will be so much harder to get him to leave than to say No now.
He sounds like he is addicted to gaming. To help him, you and your DH need to take a big step back. Get on with your lives and look after yourselves and each other. This may help.

I am an addict. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Addiction is a disease, too.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my addiction. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences.

Above all, do learn all you can about addiction and your role in relation to me.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic

I would say the same as your DH in this situation. My partner is well aware that my children will always have a home with me if they need it.

Sounds like the son needs to find something to inspire him. Hopefully he will find an apprenticeship that he enjoys.

I would always have ended my marriage if DSC moved in. It’s fine people saying what it if were your son; but when DSC have been raised (or not!) in such a different way to how you would raise them, this isn’t really a relevant question, as they would never be in this situation.

Of course he will want to help his son, but let him do it. He hasn’t so far, what’s going to be different this time…

It’s the stepson that needs the ultimatum - I came home from Uni after dropping out of my course and my mum was very clear it was on the condition I got a job and paid board. She helped me with application, etc - she did not let it go haha! I think it took me about 8 weeks but I secured some temp working and then paid mum board each month; it put me on the right track and got me in to the habit of budgeting too.

Helping as in providing a room. Not as in parenting, altough I do think step-parents should also parent.

But op could then say rest is for dad. Assume bio mum is saying no to try to force bio dad to step up. Bio dad might also just have a different perspective here. Who knows how stupidly fussy op is.

It would be doing the stepson no favours to allow him to live feral with no house rules, and his father has to step up and set the boundaries. Not just the OP. Otherwise it's totally disrespectful to the others living there.

It's not appropriate behaviour for a family home. If he has health issues he needs help, not just to be enabled to fester. I couldn't cope with the disturbance of takeaways arriving at all hours, gaming noises all night, bad smells, someone who doesn't participate in the household normally. It would completely destroy my peace and sleep and at that point I would be saying yes to a split.

I would accept the marriage is over.
Start dealing with the practicalities.
He does not move in while the house is sold.
His father can move out and share with him.

Both your husband and his ex think you are a mug.

Show them you are not.
His moving in could be open ended.

Your husband is trying to bully you as he isn't around and you can deal with his son when neither of his lazy selfish parents actually will.

He thinks he can bully you.
Tell him fine, its over.

You need to find your anger.

If your DH has imposed an ultimatum, then probably both options will be damaging to your relationship.

You're going to become very resentful if you allow DSS to move in and both he and your husband behave how you know they will.

So I think you may need to make your decision on the basis that the relationship will be damaged regardless. It doesn't look like a marriage protecting option exists here.

You have articulated my thoughts much more clearly than I could have.

I can’t imagine the opposite scenario where the man (DH) was worrying about his wife’s child moving back and wife abdicating any responsibility.

It’s clearly going to fall to you OP - to manage the fall out of your step-son moving in. The fact that your DH won’t engage in conversation would be the killer for me.

It's a but late to edit my post...

But....the ultimatum he's given you...
Do as I say, doesn't sound good if you do cave in.

I'd have to think hard about my marriage if this was my DH's thoughts...there are otherways of having a discussion about his son, unless you already had and was pointing out the ways in which his DS lives and the only come back he had, because he knew you were correct but wouldn't admit it to himself, was to give you an ultimatum.

I'd have to say to DH, fine if you feel the marriage will be over unless your DS moves in I'm really sad about that, but if it's what you want...then there's nothing I can do to change your mind I will respect your decision.

That's not to say you'll want to do as suggested but if you do you need to stick with it, unless DH has a change of heart...
Or put up with his DS's behaviour if he refuses to change and moves in.

Don't let it be the start of you being walked all over and your own DC dragged into it affecting their lives.

Not an easy solution when one's pulling and the others pushing.

I very much feel that the dh has just created the very conditions for a divorce. By putting an ultimatum like that, he has ended both the trust and the collaborative side of the relationship. He has created the situation where the OP ends up agreeing in something she isn’t ok with, cue for huge resentment OR she stands her ground and she becomes the vilain.

He is also refusing any responsibility on parenting his own ds. Refusing ground rules isn’t just about making a stance vs the OP. It’s also refusing to help his ds and still pushing all the inconvenience on someone eise. He isn’t going to be the one asking for the mouldy pizza boxes to be put in the bin or for the ds to have a shower right?
Even the fact that the ds might well have MH issues gets forgotten in there because he doesn’t have the will or wish to explore other avenues than just letting him live there.

@Champaganesupernova I’m wondering if you’ve asked your dh what he thinks the future will be for his ds, in say 1 year’s time? What does he expect to happen ? Him suddenly starting to have a shower or looking for a job just because he is at home with him? I’m curious to see what his expectations are and how realistic they are.

Where does he get the money from for takeaways and alcohol ??

This.

I couldn't respect a man who would see his son homeless for the sake of his wife. But neither should you put yourself and the kids in a situation you're unhappy with.

Could you look at supporting him short term in a rental nearby as a compromise?

There are people on this thread who think that acknowledging MH or neurodivergence is the same as letting someone take the piss/be a victim/get away with living a feckless life.

It isn't. It's both/and, not either/or.

Sort the underlying issues AND apply consequences and discipline. Be kind and understanding and pick your battles AND protect yourself and your resources.

The very strict "everyone get off their arses, there was no adhd in my day, some people are just losers" attitude which says that all help leads to dependence and weakness. is really lacking in understanding of what we now know about psychology and neurology.

(Also - shhhh - it usually means that the strict people saying it, are themselves processing their own trauma on some level, they themselves were forced to shut off some of their own needs and as a defence mechanism now are proud of their "resilence").

Op I really feel for you. You are in a very difficult position.

I suspect you have picked up the brunt of the SS appalling behaviour and to some extent shielded your DH from it.

As you know as soon as he moves in you're stuck and it will be near in impossible to get him out.

Does his behaviour bother your DH or does he still regard him as a little prince ?

I think a big factor is who owns the house you currently live in?

I understand your dh's perspective but he can't move an adult in to a house that you part own without your agreement. If you don't own the house then it's trickier.

I think sadly it probably is the end of your marriage.

I wouldn't let my own kids pull this shit, and certainly not anyone else's.