Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

He could be waiting for the youngest son to fly the nest before leaving or he's been waiting for you to kick him out. He could just be lazy, perfectly comfortable, or even sees this as normal if it's what his own father did. He may have loved you romantically once and may still love you in a way but only as the mother of his children as he has said, or has never have loved you at all but fulfills what he sees as his duty not including fidelity.

All you can know for sure is what he's actually done. He's provided for a marriage and family for a long time and been quite open and honest with you but retrospectively, but he cheated and lied to you before this. It sounds like he never considered you in this or gave you the opportunity to choose what you want for your own life. How would he have responded if you said you wanted a divorce then and there, do you think he's have been shocked or relieved? Or you taking your own lover? Meanwhile he's been stringing the OW along for 8 years. He's certainly still lying to one or both of you.

The phrase having your cake and eating it comes to mind. I’m sorry but this man has zero respect for you. He stays because it’s easier to have both and the gf is on tap whenever he wants her. This pattern won’t change unless you stop it. Stop being a fool and a doormat. What would you say to a friend/sister in this situation?

So? You’ve got more life ahead. You get to choose whether you carry on this facade or create a real, authentic life. Look at sunken costs fallacy.

@Doesheloveme4377 there is avery real chance that he’s waiting until the youngest DC is finished with school, then he plans on leaving you. Be prepared for that.

He doesn’t love you.

He doesn’t love her either.

He’s using you both. Her for sex. You to make him look like a good man.

He honestly can’t feel a thing for you, your relationship is one of convenience.

I’m sorry. Please want more for yourself. How would you feel if someone you loved was being used like this?

@Doesheloveme4377 is he having sex with both you and OW?

to be honest it sounds as though he is waiting for your youngest to leave home - then he will drop a bomb in all your lives. Don't get caught on the hop, be prepared, even if you are not willing to end the marriage yourself,

He's treating you both like shit.

Well you ate completely deluded. What has happened to you that you are willing to humiliate yourself and put up with this?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread?page=1

I don't know why intimacy stopped between you both. Is it something you want back? Or are you done with sex? If you're done with sex, then have a read through this thread for the other side.

Is it possible he was looking for sex and a relationship has evolved?

I'm not condoning his behaviour at all, but decide if you want to remain married to him or not. I guess you do, as you've been with him for the year after he told you about her. If you want to stay married, I suggest you put firm boundaries in place around OW and what is and isn't acceptable for their relationship.

Does nobody else see a cultural twist to this? The transactional way in which the OP writes about her marriage, the taking of aunts and mother on Valentine’s Day, the style of writing… all suggests that the OP is not coming from the same space that the rest of you are coming from! You may have a different point of view if you consider this…

This will be the classic case of him playing the good family man while the kids are home. Once they are 18 he will leave you.

It has been the story on here many, many time.

I hope you have your own job, money and find some self respect to leave. He’s doing it because you’re a pushover and allowing it.

Isn't that what most marriages have been in the world throughout history, though?A unit from which to build a home and family. Marriage hasn't always been about romantic and sexual attraction. Often it is a far more pragmatic affair in which 'mere' affection can replace sexual desire.

Many high profile men have done this .One whose mistress became pregnant,and he went back to his family ,the other just gave up hos mistress after about 10 years! Hes telling the other girl what she wants to hear.They will buy a house ,they will get married .And of course he won't because he has wifey on hand to provide all his home comforts! Look he only thinks about himself ,it's impossible to love 2 people at once .You are probably mid 40s or so? Too young to live like this .Dont you want the chance to love someone else and be loved back ,or at least some decent sex. Dont sell yourself short .Make plans to leave and line up them there ducks in a row!

If he didn't feel some loyalty and a sense of duty and responsibility then he wouldn't do the things he does do. The responsibility of a home and family is a big one not to be thrown over easily.

Actually if she is ever going for a divorce probably better not to get a job now as it might impact any financial settlement. Better for her to be financially dependent if it ever goes to a divorce.

A few others have pointed this out already.

Can't believe anyone is this stupid to put up with this on either side.
Failing that OP why are you actually posting about this when you seem perfectly happy with the set up?

Long history means nothing, doesn't it?

He betrays you all the time.

Puts on this public persona of the loving husband.

How bizarre that you're even wondering about this.

He's a total creep. And in fact, there's something really wrong with him if he thinks he can behave like this and it's ok.

Why on earth are you putting up with it? Put him in your history and move on.

Yes mostly me. Repeatedly.

Yet other posters keep calling the OP names and insisting that she is delusional without considering that there are many women (often in the UK but still living under traditional setups) who tolerate this kind of marriage under the guise of religion or to avoid the stigma of divorce.

So you are not having sex with him,he is getting it somewhere else.You sound grateful that he is still with you and are happy with the arrangement.So what is the problem ?you are not going to do anything,

🤣

Sorry OP but this isn't "love".

You cherish and respect people you love. He clearly has neither for you or you would t be in this situation.

Him still being with ok isn't an indirect declaration of love or symbolic of you "winning". As others have said there are reasons he is still with you. For example:

• not wanting to lose kids / waiting until all kids have finished school;
• not wanting to split assets;
• taking his time to squirrel assets away so he is in a stronger position than you;
• you're convenient etc

Appreciate it is easier said than done to leave but if you continue to stay, you need to start being smart and really need to think long and hard about what you will do if he suddenly declares one day that you're divorcing. I'd also stop torturing yourself with reading his messages.

Indeed, and I’m not suggesting otherwise. But most marriages don’t survive one party openly having a second fairly serious sounding relationship. It sounds like the OP’s H is comfortably having the best of both worlds - which we’d all like, wouldn’t we! - but for how long? Until the youngest has left home? The OP clearly has some concerns or wouldn’t have posted. A good counsellor could help her make sense of what she wants, what she’s prepared to accept, etc. No judgement if she decides to stick it out but honestly, can you see a happy ending? (no pun intended!)

Does he love me coz if you say he does i will stay coz i love him too??? Why are you even asking you have no intention of leaving and neither does he, he doesnt want to lose his house or money or have to pay maintenace, you dont want sex, ...women have for decades gained independance and yet there are women who oh but he luvs me so thats ok !! And yes he will leave you one day as his partner that he does love will have enough, tho she is as stupid as you are, and he spoils you to keep you there its cheaper than divorce hes not stupid he will lose a lot of money and he doesnt want you having it,