Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

Maybe the OP will come back and enlighten us to her situation. I think we would all be better prepared to help her if we understood her background a bit more. I too started off with dismissing her as being complicit in her husbands affair but when I reread her posts it just struck me that her written word was very transactional and so our western judgement of what marriage should look like is possibly lost on the OP as there are other factors at play here.

Who knows!, all I'll say is this is not uncommon at all on the continent, my parents had friends in France and Holland who lived this way for decades.

The key question is, are you happy to be in an “open marriage”? And do you trust your DH not to screw you over financially?

How would you feel if everyone (including your DC) finds out about how long he’s been seeing the OW?

How would you feel if he leaves you for her?

IMHO it sounds to me like you have little respect for yourself. Don’t you want to be in a relationship with someone who’s exclusively focussed on you? Or are you not interested in a romantic/sexual relationship?

Suggest you seek therapy. And an STI test.

He hasn't left purely because of his child and because a divorce is costly.

He will leave when your son grows up.

Take charge of the situation and leave now on your own terms but a split here is inevitable.

@Doesheloveme4377 You say 'she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!'

He didn't ignore her for you. He ignored her because it suited him to do so. Just like he shags her because it suits him.

As for your user name - obviously he doesn't love you or he wouldn't be doing this and not even bothering to be discreet about it to try and spare your feelings.

He takes you out on special days? Even on Valentine's Day he couldn't bear to be with you on your own. He not only made it a family affair with your sons, he also took his aunts. According to you, when he's home he spends his time with your youngest son. Can you not see that, when this child leaves home, your husband will be off too? I really want to give you a good shake but there's a weird kind of arrogance about you that suggests you'll spend the rest of your life convinced he loves you best. He doesn't but you'll never see that.

I'm struggling to understand as well....WHY !! The minute you knew about his mistress....because that it's her role in his life....you should have kicked him OUT...so be late now asking other's 🙄 So if you want this life to change...TODAY pack up his stuff...change the locks and see a solicitor....you do have a choice...good luck going forward...trust me you really deserve better💪

He is doing it because he is a selfish B and the situation suits him having two women on the go. He gets away with it because you are allowing it. Time to say no.

Sounds like you have a very low sense of self worth, and barely any genuine communication in your marriage. I'm sorry.

Wow. What a selfish bastard. Of course he's staying with you. A divorce with children is very expensive. My betting is that once your youngest is an adult he'll leave and not have to pay any child maintenance or provide you with security.

Sorry to be blunt but you have been a f*cking mug. He doesn't care about you or he wouldn't have cheated multiple times. He's totally out for himself. Please tell me you have a job and therefore some sort of financial security for when he inevitably pulls the rug out from underneath you.

He’s openly admitted to cheating but you don’t take it seriously because he… takes you to dinner once a year?? Riiiight.

And this has been going on for nearly a decade 😵‍💫

He's only with you because you've made it so easy for him to have his cake and eat it! Wake up

I agree with the other posters that he is likely waiting until the children are older, so that the financial settlement is smaller and perhaps his (more traditional?) family and friends might be more forgiving, especially if he plays it like he just met the mistress and he has been “unhappy for years but waited until the kids were grown”.

Even if you plan to stay married to him, I would at least work on a back up plan for if he decides to leave you and set up with the OW. Be across the finances and get legal advice on what to expect.

My god you must be stupid or desperate to put up with his treatment of you.
Get rid. He's having the best of both worlds. He will never change, why should he when you are letting him walk all over you.
He doesn't love you or love the ow. What he loves is the power of the life he is living.

Once your kids are grown he will leave and you’ll be on your own. He is not wanting to work on your marriage , he is having his cake and eating it by keeping you sweet.

you need to think carefully about what you want, as this is what’s best for him not for you.

I’m going to go against the grain here but I think he does love and care for you, but more like a sister or best friend. I actually feel more sorry for the other woman because unless you bring this to an end she will be the one left alone with nothing and wasted many years of her life.
I would do two things- get legal advice about what you are entitled to should you want to leave him, get all your ducks in a row so you aren’t so daunted by it.
Secondly, insist on a proper conversation with him about his intentions. You might want to ask him to choose between you both but at least you will be prepared if he chooses her.
Depending what he says, you can then decide what you want to do. I can see why you might want to let things carry on but you need to know what his true feelings and intentions are to make an informed decision

You say you don’t have a physical (sexual) relationship with him. Is that your choice or his? Do you tolerate his extramarital affair because you are not interested in having sex with him?

The expression “marriage of convenience” springs to mind. Sorry, but you’re kidding yourself this is going to work out in your favour. Don’t waste any more time with him - unless of course you’re fully prepared to accept the inevitable when it happens.

Is one of you ill/ disabled and the other staying together out of obligation?
is the house big enough for you to live/ sleep separately?
when did he tell you about the girlfriend and how long had you known beforehand?
do you both equally help with the house and kids?
is the house do spectacular that nobody wants to move?
isvone of you unemployed?
I can’t fathom any of it!

It does seem like he is having his cake and eating it but if you and the GF are happy then crack on.

My worry would be you continue in your performative marriage until he is all set up to leave you for the other woman. At which point you will be old and miserable and have an empty nest.

But as you say... he does some cleaning so sounds like a real catch.

The delulu is strong if you think he’s choosing you. He’s choosing himself 🙃 he’s got two pathetic women just going along with his wants and needs, why does he need to change? He’s a prick of the highest order but you and OW are pathetic just putting up with this, where’s your self respect? You’re not winning at all and neither is OW. Your ‘D’H is the winner 🍰 please don’t accept the dregs from him, you deserve better.

It is cheaper and easier to stay. If that means a few ‘nice days’ then that is the cost to him. Splitting up will mean he loses £££. He doesn’t want that. if he loved you he wouldn’t be having an affair.

From what the OP says this husband does more for children and around the house than many other DHs.
Therefore judging him on his actions it is fairly sensible to keep it going rather the upheaval of a divorce.
I think we can now stop berating the OP, calling her a f*ing mug is very unkind.

He clearly values being married and staying loyally to his family.......but has been getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. To be brutally pragmatic.....if you have tolerated his girlfriend for this long, and he still prioritises your relationship in ways you require.....then maybe you should consider persisting.

At some point his girlfriend may want more commitmment and so he'll have to make a choice..but sounds as if it may well be his marriage that gets the vote.

Wow, im sorry but ive never seen anyone soo deluded, hes there for his kids not you. I guarantee he has planned with his girlfriend to stay until the kids are 18 then hes out.
I dont know how you can be soo badly brain washed and controlled, unbelievable.