Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

I agree with PPs who said he doesn't really love anyone except himself. This situation is working for him. He gets to look like the doting husband (to you, to your DC, to social media etc) while not giving up any of his home comforts or money, social standing, joint family etc.

If you're happy to carry on like this then you can but I suggest that, by posting here, you know you aren't really happy with it.

Who stopped the intimacy between you and your H and did that happen before or after he took up with this woman? Not that it'd be an excuse for his affair, just trying to work out what's going on.

It does sound like he's planning a future with her (unless he's future faking her) and that's the bit I'd be particularly aware of - is he waiting till DC older, he wouldn't have to pay maintenance etc? I'd definitely want to see a solicitor and get my ducks in a row otherwise he'll end up with the upper hand in terms of timing of a divorce.

I agree she needs to make sure their financial affairs are in order and arranged so as to offer her the necessary rights and protections in the event of a separation. The arrangement could well work, until the day that it doesn't.

Another woman calling another woman stupid. Have you considered that the OP doesn’t come from the same place you do? Have you considered that perhaps her idea of marriage is tainted by some sort of religious or cultural norm which doesn’t fit our society? I think if you read deeper into her messages you will find a woman who has been taught to accept this is how men behave but also a woman who is conflicted because she knows it doesn’t feel right.

But yet other woman call her stupid and delusional.

If only we knew exactly how the other side live… the things people are taught to accept as normal until they learn that it’s not.

If only she knew that asking a bunch of MNers who would throw their husband to the curb for packing the dishwasher like a lunatic would not get her an ounce of understanding because they don’t know what it’s like to live under such cultural restraints.

If this was so acceptable then you wouldn’t be keeping it a secret from everyone and wouldn’t be playing happy families for the rest of the world. The truth is that he cares what everybody thinks, except you. You aren’t playing this game to protect your children, you are protecting his image as that is all he cares about.

Get some pride and leave him! You’re allowing this pathetic charade to continue.

Because divorce is not culturally acceptable. That’s why he doesn’t leave his wife.

I doubt he actually loves either of you, but you supply the comfortable home. And by accepting the situation , you have given him permission to continue. The gf is another ego boost. Of course he will downgrade you when talking to her about you. He will say whatever keeps her on the string. He sounds like my mistake#2 ,who didn’t want to lose me, but also wanted the girlfriends because it made him feel validated , wanted, clever because he was telling lies all round and juggling relationships. One was the main girlfriend and she was told we were exes just sharing the house space and that he would not throw me out.

You really should leave. He will throw the crumbs to keep you because you serve a purpose, as does the OW. He really only cares about himself

My take would be that he is staying with you until your youngest is older and then he will move on to the OW. He may even think this should be clear to you. I would not assume he is with you for you (sorry) and would be getting "my ducks in order".

OP, you say you haven't been intimate with your husband for some time - how long? Did sex between you stop before he took up with his girlfriend or after? Do you WANT sex with him? Does he ever try with you?

It sounds like he sees himself as being in an open marriage, which you seem to be tolerating. How would he react if you took a lover of your own?

The question is does everything works for you? Are you dissatisfied in any way? What i mean is this has been going on for 8 years and you seems ok with it so what is changing now? Everyone here is (as expected) in uproar about your situation but what if it is a good arrangement for you? Perhaps you are asexual? And just like the companionship? Yes it is unusual but so far you have both been honest with eachother so why not just ask him?

Jesus Christ. I have read it all now.

Does he live with you? Does he Sleep in your bed?

OP you clearly have very strong feelings for him & probably can’t imagine life without him, but you are already without him if he's been with someone else for 8 years. That is a very long time, with them making plans for the future, I think it is best you arrange to separate and he would still be able to spend time with the children. To continue this is just hurting you, when you could be happier meeting someone new who feels the same way about you truly and not just for the public.

@Doesheloveme4377 he doesn’t want to lose face with his kids and other family so in that sense no, he doesn’t want to rock the boat because that is easier for him. It’s all performative. But you are allowing it because you let it continue, too. Nobody is winning. Please tell your family and friends and get out of it.

This👆
I agree and now thinking h doesn't plan on leaving when son has finished education as this is how it works , wife happy to live like this , ow obviously happy with arrangements so he carries on pleasing both woman,
Ow is 8 years ans not wanting more, happy with this set up ??

So she “pleaded pathetically” and…what? You’re being dignified in your silence? Hardly. Don’t try and make yourself feel better by insulting her when you are allowing this situation to continue.

He’s with you because it’s convenient to him and like it or not, she is not “nothing” after 8 years. She’s not going anywhere.

Either make peace and accept that you condone his extra-marital relationship and hold your head high in that decision, or do something about it and get rid of the cheating prick. Don’t whinge about his mistress that you are fully aware of and have been permitting, and start point scoring and calling her names while insisting the sun shines out of his backside because he does some cleaning. He’s the one married to you. He’s the one cheating on you. Understand that you are only going to remain married as long as it remains convenient to him. You are disposable to him despite your “long history”. Decide whether that is the marriage you want, and either way, have some dignity in your decision.

She is not disposable. She is his wife and that is culturally how things are set up. Divorce would not be accepted so he just carries on doing what he is doing knowing that nothing will happen and it’s just how things have been done for generations by many men who have gone before him.

This isn’t cultural.

Well then OP you deserve all the comments of how stupid you are.

Divorce is very accepted here in America.

If theyre planning his vasectomy so they dont need to have unprotected sex have you ever had sex with him in 8 years theyve been together? Get an STD test. Have they got DC?

So what is stopping you then? You are being treated like trash.

Thank you

You are delusional if you think he is a prize worth “winning”

He is treating you abhorrently and you are worth so much more than this.