Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

> acting like we’re married
You are married - it's up to you how long that remains the case

It is absolutely possible for someone to have strong - even loving - feelings for more than one person

If you do not want to be in a polygamous relationship, you have to tell him so

But it is completely unreasonable to deny someone physical intimacy, AND tell them they cannot seek that elsewhere

Live with the situation or end it, if you're not willing to change it in a way that works for both sides

Girl. Everyone here has said it already but you said no one is holding a gun to his head to stay with you - no one is holding a gun to your head either?

Does he have financial control over you? Are you concerned that you and your children would be worse off without his support? Or that he would not pay spousal or child support? If those are the reasons I get it but it's a huge price to pay for being disrespected so badly. And I agree with the other posters that he will leave eventually anyway. This way he gets to be the good husband, family man, aren't I great but also I get to f**k another woman and my wife doesn't even mind haha.

Are you afraid of being single? Because in all private respects, you are single but without any option of finding someone worth your time because you are spending your emotional and physical energy on this absolute melt.

You will look back on yourself in 10 years time and wonder wtf you were thinking. I say this as someone who went through a divorce and doesn't agree with most posts that just say "leave him." Trust me, I know how hard it is. But unless you are afraid of him physically or mentally (in which case please, please reach out for support to a woman's shelter or support group), or he financially controls you (in which case, get legal advice) you have no reason to stay. Not even for the kids, because you are modelling a terrible relationship to them. I'm sorry to put it this way, but you have to give your head a wobble.

The reason I asked was because I am very familiar with these situations you describe: they were let's say fairly normal in a very macho culture. The man compartimentalises: he has his nice family life, and then "his fun". And it's curious to see that it's morally condemned but at the same time culturally accepted as in "it is what it is". Seen from the outside, it sounds crazy: but when it's the air you breathe...

I'm curious, OP: what's made you start questioning the arrangement now? Sending you love.

He’s still there because why wouldn’t he be? What’s in it for him to leave?

I’m sorry you are living this but when you say there’s no sex in your marriage is that your choice? There was a thread recently by a woman who no longer wants sex but her husband does so her choices are basically either leave or let him have a girlfriend as he shouldn’t be resigned to no sex ever again. Is this the sort of set up you have?

You are deluded.

He ignored her on Father’s Day because he is with his son, being Best Dad.

He took you and family members out on Valentine’s Day because he enjoys being seen as the Good Guy. Same with your birthday.

He does not love you as his wife and life partner. He has love for you as the mother of his dc. Once they have all grown and left, he will be gone too.

If you are truly happy with the situation, then crack on. But the very fact that you are posting on here suggests that you are not happy.

There’s no winning here. But you have an awful lot to lose in terms of your long term financial security if you don’t wake up and act.

He is a weak man. He can't keep the promises he made to you on your wedding day.
You are a doormat.

if he wanted to work on the marriage, he wouldnt have a girlfriend. Hes using you for a easy life somehwere to live, someone to look after the kids, someone to clean up after him, leave.

I'm really sorry OP but he doesn't love you. He doesn't love her either. He loves himself and his easy life. He didn't even take you out for a date on valentine's day - he took a crowd. Don't set your bar so low.

You are shoring up his patriarchal power.
You have his public support, as his superior position demands. He hosts his wife, his mother, his aunts on Valentine’s Day? And takes his son along to witness his power? But not the woman he is supposedly having a romantic relationship with? Oooh dear. You are protected because his status depends on it. If that’s what you want stay with it but don’t pretend it’s because he loves you. Give him private hell. Tell him you know he doesn’t love you and that he is humiliating you and you disrespect him. Then tell his mother, the aunts, the sons. See how many wish to carry on playing the sham for their own social and financial safety. Have you got the balls for that?
you could out him, but I doubt that you will. Western society has moved on so that women do not have to stay subordinate for the rest of their lives. It’s called women’s rights and demanding their status is equal to men. Not to be greedy but to be fair.

Sorry to ask, is there a cultural aspect to this? I've had friends and acquaintances (male), who were expected to marry within their culture / religion. They all had western girlfriends. The bad ones, carried on with the girlfriends after they were married to someone "appropriate". Happy to use their wives basically as brood mares and to fulfil their family obligations in public.

Either way, it goes without saying that it isn't on.

These are my thoughts exactly. He isn’t getting divorced because it is not culturally acceptable. So he is staying with his wife because she culturally accepts it … for now and until she realizes that this isn’t what marriage is meant to be. I hope OP is the one to break this cultural generational curse and show her children that this isn’t how marriage works.

He doesn’t love you even a tiny bit. He’s taking the absolute piss and making a mockery of your marriage. He stays because it’s convenient. Nothing else.

You need a big shake of the shoulders to find any scrap of pride and chuck him out.

I don’t believe any of this is real but if it is, I’ll bite.

WHY are you asking strangers on the internet if your husband loves you? surely if your relationship is that wonderful you’d be able to talk to him and ask him?

he’s been sleeping with someone else for 8 years. He’s with you because it’s convenient. He gets to play the perfect man in public and get laid behind closed doors. It’s why all men who are having affairs stay with their wives.

It could perfectly be real, this was the scenario for my grandmother and also he sister( mistresses to married men who never leaved their wives). Albeit, that was in the 50s. Hence I too wonder if OP is from a minority culture where men are enabled to treat women this transactionally as long as appearances are maintained.

He’s not chosen you, he’s chosen an easy life. Your reaction when he told you was when he had to choose between the two of you. But you literally gave him a “a get out of jail free card”.
He’ll now be waiting till the youngest finishes school. So no child maintenance, no need for a family house.
You need to react now!!

I heard about this kind of situation with a couple of my parents' friends. Ultimately, they would divorce amicably-ish but not stay in touch when the last kid went to uni. Friends mostly had to choose which half of the couple to stay friends with. I would say just be prepared for this when your youngest grows up and leaves. Get all your finances and ducks in a row and maybe think about another partner.

I am inclined to this think this as well. Outward appearances of a happy marriage at all costs seem to be at the forefront here.

He's comfortable and it suits him. Its easy.

He can't be arsed with the paperwork and doesn't want to be judged as the bad guy. A divorce means life admins and finding somewhere else to live.

Ultimately, he's still with you, because you tolerate it. And because she tolerates it. Both of you are utterly passive rather than going "why am i allowing myself to be treated like this?"

Instead of asking why he's still with you (its not because you will reconcile sometime - stop being a mug), ask why you are still with him when he treats you with such disrespect.

All these nice things he does in public, are NOT for you. They are for him, to keep up appearances and to keep you on the hook so he doesn't have to change his lifestyle.

Divorce after a long marriage is very very expensive.

@yakkity

OP have you TALKED to him. Like really objectively talked. Ask him. What is it that you really want from us (you and GF). Do you love her? Do you love me? Do you love either of us in any capacity?

Why? What on earth is he going to say that will help in any way?

He's made it very clear he's prepared to be duplicitous towards both the OP and the OW. Why would he suddenly start giving her clarity and honesty on this now? He's got both of them right where he wants them.

And why should the OP care what he wants or who he loves? Why should his needs/wants be the priority? OP has been putting his needs first for far too long. She needs to care less about this, not more.

I've skipped a lot of this thread, it's too painful.

Woman, stop kidding yourself. Stop. No, he doesn't love you. He doesn't.
Do you work? If not, get a bloody job, you're going to need it.
Get your ducks in a row.

Instinct says he's using you as childcare, and keeping up appearances. When the children are off your hands he'll make your life so hard you have to divorce him. He'll make sure you get as little as possible out of it.

You keep talking about ‘history’, but the fact is he now - after eight years - has a history with her as well. History isn’t enough to keep people together, in fact it’s often something people end up wanting to escape.

I suggest you read up on ‘sunken cost fallacy’, it may help you to see things more clearly.

I suspect he loves her but she doesn’t actually want to set up home with him. If she doesn’t (and he’s not interested in picking up other women in general) then divorcing and dividing up the assets is an unnecessary inconvenience. Living with a companion that you get along with well would be preferable to living alone and having all the hassle of a divorce.

How old are your kids
is he wealthy
some men will play the long game and wait till the kids are 16 -17 and then leave straight away
it can mean less money for you as a straight 50 -50 split and not take into account that you might still be housing the kids even though they are adults so you will be worse off than if you split while the kids are younger

it your kids are young , early teens it’s better to split now for you financially as you might get anything from 60-70 percent as the kids needs will be taken into account
once they are 17 -18!young adults they won’t be and even if you need a 3 bed house as they will be living at home still the courts may not take this into account

Your "husband" has his heart locked down and hasn't the ability to "love" right. For whatever reason only he knows.
I feel you want what he is giving because you're attached rather than in love? When you change your focus and look at long term and what you can have and think about what you really... I feel you will realize this is not the man for you and you both are on completely different paths...