Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

OP, he's having another relationship and they have eight years of history together...

I’m so sorry OP, but this woman is not nothing. Your husband has been having an affair with her for 8 years. He doesn’t respect you or your marriage. I’d bet money that he’ll leave you once all of your children are legal adults and he doesn’t have to worry about child maintenance.

Sorry OP but my guess is he is there for the children and once your youngest has left home he'll move in with the OW. You'll be left feeling a fool. Throw him out now. Your settlement will also be better if you leave now than if you wait until all the children have left home - I bet he's factored that in too!

I think he enjoys your company and has a nice life with you. I don't think he loves you but even if he does that wouldn't be enough for me. He has no respect for you. He is making plans for the future with the OW. You may find that once the children grow up he will go off and live his life with her. If he had a vasectomy I'm guessing she has no interest in children, that may be why he is staying.
You will look back with huge regret that you wasted the best years of your life with this man just for him to leave you once the hard part of child rearing is over. Children leaving home can be hard for anyone, I imagine having the man you love and have been looking forward to growing old with leaving at the same time will be devastating. On top of that you will have that voice in your head telling you that you knew this was coming and you should have left him sooner.

Tough love coming @Doesheloveme4377

HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU and he doesn’t love her either. The only thing he loves is himself and his reputation.

i honestly can’t work out why you’re still with a man that is treating you with such hate and disdain. The more you put up with it, the worse he’ll become, the less he’ll respect you and the more hateful he’ll become.

He doesn’t love you and he will not grow to love you. If this continues, it’ll be another 8 years. But who knows maybe he would’ve found another girlfriend to add to his roster? Maybe he’ll get her pregnant? Or who knows maybe he’ll finally leave you and move on with her?

Im sorry to be blunt but you need to leave for your own happiness and wellbeing. You have a gorgeous and beautiful life ahead of you. Don’t waste the one life on earth that you have on such a despicable person

Married men don’t have girlfriends. Cop yourself on and find your self respect. Tell absolutely everyone you know that he has broken his marriage vows multiple times, the family man is all an act on his part, tell current OW she is welcome to him and start divorce proceedings.

Of course he loves you. He loves you as a person, just as though he would love any other family member. He doesn't want to let that go. He doesn't want that void in his life. But he is in love and lust with her and not you. If you wish to be second fiddle and are happy with this arrangement, then go for it. He's in no hurry to leave you. It's unlikely that he will leave you for her. Why would he when he gets the best of both worlds. The ball is in your court. What do you actually want?

If he's always with your youngest then that's who he's still sticking around for. Not you. Why would you think it's you?

OP, you talk an awful lot about what you think he wants.

What do you want? Is it a sexless marriage where your husband openly sleeps with (and says he's in love with) another woman?

Is it the "picture perfect" family, regardless of what it is behind the picture?

Or is it a relationship where you are loved and valued? One where you are the one who "wins" because there is no OW to compete with in the first place?

The history, what people think, what he wants what she wants, none of that matters. You need to make sure your life is what you want. You need to be happy.

Whatever that looks like for you. Do that.

He pleaded pathetically. He pleaded pathetically for the girlfriend to come back to him and yet the wife still thinks the girlfriend means nothing to him. If that's not delusional thinking, what is?

In that case im sorry but just stupid then, however i have to point out if you stopped having sex after the first child and he pointed out to you it was a choir to get you to engage in sexual activity and then you still didn't make an effort to seduce him weekly then you've only got yourself to blame.
Men have needs and if you don't fulfill them someone else will, theres a saying " if you feed your dog often he wont eat from another bowl "
Men are simple and most of them will be happy and committed if you just make an effort with the home and children and have sex weekly.
You need to be connected to your partner and communicate these things, i make sure my man gets sex twice per week minimum and occasionally dress up or surprise him with toys etc.. i think you lost your husband due to your own faults unfortunately

Is he ok with you getting a boyfriend on the side?

Ah yes, the old adage of "men can't be faithful without sex".

Unfortunately I think you have this wrong. A marriage is based on the needs of two people. If one person isn't getting their needs met, whatever they are, they should leave, not just go find it outside of the marriage and the blame gets laid with the other party.

Cheating is a choice. Not a necessity because of a lack of sex.

What are you getting out of this situation? Ongoing status, financial, fear of being alone?
Are your children aware of this situation?
Would you financially suffer if he left?
Are you financially ready if he pulls the plug on your relationship?
Has he got his finances sown up to protect his financial situation if he should suddenly decide to leave?

What are your reasons for not leaving him?
He doesn't love or respect you...sorry but this is all about him, how he looks to his children , family or friends...not about an emotional connection to you...it might be that this is his way of saying thanks for acquiescing to his shitty treatment of you.

If you love someone you don’t shag other people! You’re hanging around waiting for what exactly?! He will stay with you all the time he has a bit of the side… he has a perfect life! Bread buttered on both sides!

Have more respect!!

I don't see (I am sorry to say this) evidence that he loves you.

I see plenty of evidence that he is 'doing the right thing' playing the doting father/husband whilst his remaining kid is at home.

And that he doesn't want to rock the boat because then life will get expensive and much more difficult for him.

That is all about him, how he appears to others, the comfort and costs of his life - nothing to do with you. If the OW sticks around until your youngest has left home, he will probably dump you then.

Are you religious? Because honestly this sounds like an episode of Small Town Murder waiting to happen - "divorce not acceptable bur murder ok!" vibes.

OP, you're Pick Me dancing. All that is doing is keeping his ego bloated.

I also very strongly recommend that you read Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life

https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/1665247878?ref_=mr_referred_us_au_au

Have you seen a lawyer to make sure that you will be financially in good shape WHEN he leaves you? You MUST do this, it is urgent, because the youngest child is all that is keeping him in the family home. Do NOT believe that he will do the right thing by you, OP. You are in financial danger.

You have said this a few times, and it makes no sense, but I guess you know that and are saying it for a reaction.

’he is always with our son so he must be staying for me’ - I do not believe you are genuine. And if you are, then of course he isn’t staying for you, and he will just leave as soon as your youngest is out of the house

I'm so sorry OP, but kindly, you're deluded. As pps have written, he's having his cake and eating it - and you've literally given him permission to do so by not creating merry hell about this "arrangement" (I'm not being judgemental in this regard BTW - if this is a situation you can live with then it's nobody's business but your own, however, you need to be aware of the risks).
I have a friend here in the UK who experienced very similar. Her husband had been having a long-term affair (more than 10 years) before she found out, but once she did, she also "tolerated" it (she was a SAHM, felt financially vulnerable and didn't want to break up the family) and believed that if she played the long game he would eventually get bored with the OW and end it. They carried on with all the outward appearances of a happy family (including him having sex with her!) although my DH and I occasionally saw cracks in their relationship that we couldn't explain away and were a little confused about (as we didn't know about the affair at this point and only found out about it in retrospect). After about 15 years, my friend suggested they do something as a family which essentially would necessitate him having to choose between her and the OW (I can't go into detail as it would be too outing) - he chose the OW and they have now been officially "together" for more than a further 10 years. My friend was devastated and even all these years later I don't think she'll ever recover from him finally leaving. I think she honestly thought he'd never leave her. In fact, during their (acrimonious) divorce negotiations, he told her he wanted them both (well, of course he did! 🙄). From all the things she's told me about the things he's done in the past, and my own observations, it's clear he has a "hero" complex - he wants to be seen as the marvellous husband, father, son, brother - always there to save the day and be feted by others. In truth, he's an absolute narcissist and simply didn't want his true nature to be "outed" to everyone who lauded him.
I've told you this story OP because I'm worried that, just like my friend, you don't seem to be considering the possibility that he will leave you one day (I suspect once your youngest has finished their schooling). He's making plans with the OW - he's playing the long game, just waiting for the "right" time to leave you. Carry on as you are if you want to, but I would urge you to consult a good divorce lawyer so that when the time comes, you're well prepared for a hard but successful negotiation. (My friend was very lucky with her lawyer and with their guidance negotiated a very favourable settlement from her exH.) You're not currently in control of your future OP and that concerns me. Please just make sure you're prepared for whatever your future holds.
Good luck!

He'll leave as soon as all your children fly the nest, if you're happy living like this for now then fair enough, but be prepared. Plan how your life will look when he inevitably leaves you.

You know this is grotty af though right. Men have needs and someone else will fill them…give off

Have some self respect and dump the prick.

@Doesheloveme4377 are you the other woman? Or writing a book?

Early 20s? Is that your kids ages? How long have you been together?