Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

I think it sounds like he's there for your son not you. Do you think he might be waiting for your teenager to leave home and then he will follow?

You get called racist a lot then do you? If the shoe fits!!

She's never mentioned being Asian, but you've just put your stereotypes in and dropped some more proof...

'It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt'

So, what’s the matter with you then? Why are you being quite so pathetic?

he married me because it was the right thing to do
I’m so sorry @Doesheloveme4377 but this tells you he never loved you. He’s in love with this OW, is planning a life with her and will leave you when your youngest leaves home.

Do you want to sit and let that happen? Or do you want to leave on your own terms? You deserve so much more than this.

I’m sorry but I agree he is waiting for the youngest to get to 18.

He will have set up an alternative Valentine’s Day for the OW.

I think he loves his life and wants to feel like a good guy doing his duty.

Though it is no excuse for him to cheat, was it your choice to stop having sex years ago, or his decision, or joint? If it was yours, is that maybe why you are sorting accepting his affair?

He believes he is doing right by you. How old are your children?

If he loved you he wouldn't have a longtime girlfriend. He doesn't love you. He loves her. He's making big decisions with her and not you. If it weren't for the kids or potentially losing 50% of his assets to you, he would have left long ago.

You are not winning. You won’t win by waiting it out. Stupidly, I went through several years in the same mindset. I thought, he still keeps coming home, we still had a very active sex life, and I thought if I just kept being the good wife, he’d realise I was the one he really wanted or she’d get fed up and go.
Then I found out about the others.
I overheard him talking about me to friends..not girlfriends. He was not complimentary but denied he really meant it when I brought it up. It got so I was watching my life pass by as an also ran in his life. I gave him a comfortable home where he could pick and choose his chores. The women gave him ego boost.
These men are not a prize to win. If you have one, you have lost. You’ve lost the life time…and you only have one life…you have lost the chance to meet someone who does love you. You have lost your self esteem, your self respect.

You can accept it, kid yourself he cares about you…and if you did leave, he would cry and beg and promise change to make you stay. Of that there is no doubt. But that’s not him loving You. That’s him loving his life and the control he has over you. You are a possession and his to keep or dispose of. You just haven’t rattled his cage yet.
He won‘t ever let go, and your life is his, not yours but the choice is yours if you are strong enough.
I suspect you aren’t. Women leave and go back on average 7 times before leaving for good. You are being abused and you can’t even see it. The frog has boiled…unless you grow a spine and open your eyes.
wishing you well

The question is not why he stays in the marriage, it's why you do. Why is it up to him? Grow a backbone, scrape together some dignity and end this absolute travesty.

Simple OP divorce is way cheaper when all the kids are adults. He's stalling time nothing more.

I suggest you work on yourself and find your boundaries.

I’ve just seen you have one young child - presumably he is waiting for this child to turn 18 before he leaves you or perhaps he likes this arrangement, with the ‘proper’ family man role you allow him to maintain. This isn’t an act of love either way.

He didn't ignore her for you, he ignored her for his children... I don't believe your post is real, I don't understand how someone could live like this, particularly as your husband isn't cheating when its an understanding you have.

Cultural or not OP you need to recognize from the hundreds of posters before that this is not normal. I would suggest that there is another reason why you would live under these conditions hoping to win favor. Is it financial?

Highly doubt its a real post, no one is that daft!

Oh sweetie, no.

He’s with you because it’s easier than splitting up.

He’s not working on anything other than his own happiness. He’s got it good, hasn’t he?

What’s your situation? Did you give up work to look after the kids/house so he could concentrate on his career? What’s your financial situation (as a couple and you individually)? What’s he like generally? Is everything great as long as things go his way? How much of an input do you get into family decisions? Do you have a voice?

In what way does he make you feel loved? Respected? Protected? Happy? That’s how someone who truly loves you should make you feel. Someone who thinks you’re amazing, who’s got your back when needed, the other half of your team.

You need to work out how to live your life while accepting your marriage is over even though you’re still living together. You are two separate people who share children, that’s it. I get not wanting to divorce for the sake of the children. If you’re not arguing and can chug along fine then I’d choose not getting divorced. They don’t need to go through a divorce. If you’re miserable and fed up of being constantly disrespected, you need to divorce. Having a girlfriend would be an absolute hard no from me, but we all have different boundaries.

OP, don't you want a better life for yourself? All these years you have put up with DH cheating, you could have found yourself a truly loving relationship or you could have led an independent and fulfilling life on your own. What has happened in your life to lead you to believe this is as good as it gets?

As you got pregnant very young it sounds like DH was never really romantic with you and just married you because of the pregnancy. If this is how the relationship started out I kind of get that it's always been this way so you don't know any other way of life. You can still have an amicable relationship with DH and both be there for the kids without him totally taking advantage of you and making out to everyone else he's the prefect dad and husband.

Well, how stupid do you sound?
There's absolutely nothing that suggests the OP is anything but American 🤦🏾‍♀️.
Now that's confirmed, I hope you'll come back and fix your foolishness 😳.

Men of all corners of the earth will try and swing their dicks as much as they can; and women from all corners of the earth suffer low self-esteem and will be grateful for any crumbs men throw them. And without the excuse of culture or any such demands.

I believe it will be true. So many women are all too happy to 'turn a blind eye'... 'As long as he doesn't bring it to my door'... 'but I'm winning because he comes home every night'... 'He chose me when shit hit the fan'...

Some women will take anything win they can get and as long as he remains under their roof; she'll comfort herself with being the chosen. Sometimes it's sad, other times it just 'meh'.

So you've not had sex with him in the best part of a decade? You're willingly turning a blind eye. He didn't love you like a partner, he cares for you at the moment of his children. He didn't take you out for romantic date in valentine's day he took his aunts, mum and your child. To me he's clear that for some bizarre reason, possibly duty, he won't leave while you have children at home, but he will, he's actively opening to with his girlfriend.

Also if you have no interest in being in an intimate relationship with him why don't you walk away? Find someone you do want to be with in that way?

I think at the end of the day you two got together very young and have stayed together. It’s now just a friendship, you both love each other but aren’t in love. 8 years without any form of intimacy is quite sad and lonely.

At what point do you decide you want more for yourself? This isn’t a great life, you’re not winning here, you’re with a man who desperately wants to be with someone else and is hanging around to look good for the kids. He doesn’t respect you, he shows affection like buying gifts etc out of guilt and obligation, not love. He spent Father’s Day with the children as he should, not with his girlfriend as they don’t share kids.

It sounds to me that you’ve never really been sure that he loved you. Only married you because it was the right thing to do. Got together too young. No interest in intimacy for a long time.
stop doing the pick me dance. Gather up your self respect and start to think about what you want in your life. The answer is not him. It might be a safe and loving relationship but that’s not with him.
he is doing what he’s doing to make himself appear like the great guy. Not because he cares about anyone but himself.

Op can I ask, when h dropped in the conversation about ow 8 years back, how did that go, how did you react, so now 8 years on your asking questions on here, how have you lasted 8 years knowing what you know

oh no :-(

I would never see it like that! 'winning?' Winning what exactly - sorry, but i wouldn't see a cheating husband as a win.

He's using you. Regardless of his motives - maybe the kids, maybe keeping up appearances, maybe doesn't want to be seen as a failure at marriage - whatever it is; as others have said, it isn't love. Sorry.

What is interesting Op is that all your thoughts and questions are about HIM and what HE wants.

What has life done to you - to grind you down so much that you are not asking what you want - why are you not setting your boundaries around what you believe is acceptable (ie. monogamy - honesty - respect)

Your self esteem is on the floor - you are concerned only with whether or not he is 'choosing you or the other woman' -

I presume you grew up with a lack of love or understanding of what loving relationships are - you need therapy ! honestly - take the steps, change your life.

Put every single thought about his choices out of your head - and think what you want from life, from a realtionship.

You deserve commitment, integrity, respect - you are not getting any of those things.