Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

We haven’t. Sex dwindled honestly after our first child. We got pregnant young. Teenagers. Within 6 months of us dating and he always says he married me because it was the right thing to do. Early 20’s.

Isn't this 'having your cake and eating it'?! Your husband gets to spend 100% of his time with his children, no expensive divorce, has his home comforts - meals, laundry etc done for him, spends time playing happy families all the while with no consequences from you for cheating! On top of that he has an OW, who he goes to for sex! Why on earth would he ever change this arrangement, he's in a win win situation?!! Your husband loves you, no more than he does the OW. What he does have is no respect for either of you. No loving husband behaves like this. You're both a convenience to him, in different ways.

He’s staying until your youngest leaves home or is 18

then he won’t have pay you any maintenance and you can do a clean break which as the kids are adult it’s unlikely they will be taken into account for any financial decisions

He’s pretty smart if you think off it like that
he’s had you keeping his house nice and bringing up the kids

ow to shag

and he will leave you with most of his money intact

crack on if you want this to be your life

Have you taken on board anything the hundreds of posters have said?

Why do you think you deserve this? This isn’t normal and you know it as you are complaining about it. So what are you going to do about it?

Intimacy stopped really after our first kid, we would do things occasionally , then we stopped completely. He said it was like a chore trying to get me to do it. But we stopped arguing about it..and I would find him talking to other women. No one stuck I’ve never seen him say he loves any of them but this one.

Sounds to me like he will be with you until the youngest has grown, then he will leave.

Thank you

Lol. Literally nothing to suggest there’s a cultural issue apart from it being obvious OP is American…

He is just stringing you both along. He's probably got other women on the go too.
If you're not happy with it then leave. Please don't think you are the 'lucky one' because your cheating husband chooses to stay with you... please know you don't deserve this and it's not normal ffs.

I am not Asian. American Caucasian

What made it obvious she was American before she said she was?

There are not too many women who would accept what she has been dealing with and honestly question whether her marriage is worth saving unless they were bound by some sort of cultural restraints.

Yup - agree with @RobinEllacotStrike - he’s waiting for your last child to leave home and then as he stated when you were younger ‘he’s done his duty’.

that’s what you are @Doesheloveme4377 - a duty to be endured. And he’s setting up his life for when that duty is completed.

if (when) he leaves you - are you ready. Have you got finances for yourself? I think you have stuck your head in the sand and let yourself play happy families with him and are going to be totally blindsided in a few years as he’s got plans that don’t involve you.

@Doesheloveme4377 you say you got pregnant as a teen—did you get your high school diploma? Do you have a university degree? Do you have a job? I think your DH will be leaving once your youngest finishes high school. Be ready.

How will you feel when he chooses her? Because he probably will - if not her someone else down the line.

This arrangement will work for some, but not most. If you can handle living with someone who can and will drop you for someone else - go for it.

If not - start making your own plans for your own secure future.

Are you members of a church OP?

Wow.

How do you want to update your post now that OP has confirmed she’d white?

As if only Asian women can be in marriages where the husband is a dick. Tell me you’re racist prejudiced without telling me you’re racist prejudiced.

Having trouble working out the question. Are you feeling awesome because you feel like the winner of his affection?
I am not sure. There are no winners here though and I'm not sure why you can't rustle up a little self respect and not put up with being the second best, just for show wife so he can look like the model family man.
From what I've read you sound more like the fool than the winner.

I find it hard to believe that this thread is true because it seems unbelievable thst anyone, no matter how desperate, would put up with this situation. I don’t know a single person who would tolerate a partner who cheated once, let alone an affair that went on for years and which they condoned. It’s clear that your husband doesn’t have the slightest respect for you and is only staying out of duty. How can you sleep under the same roof as him when you know he’s been out shagging his girlfriend night after night? For goodness sake OP, get some self respect and chuck your husband out.

Middle school is a very American description of school ( well it is to me )

It was obvious from her style of writing and that she talked about her child being in middle school.

Many women, regardless of what culture they’re from, are too foolish to see what’s in front of them. They convince themselves that the man not leaving shows he truly loves her and it’s just sex with the OW. I have a (white) family friend who is exactly the same - her husband keeps sleeping with others but because he’s still with her, she’s convinced herself she’s the one he really wants.

As I said above, once the youngest leaves home, he’ll leave her for the OW.

Why are you still with him? An 8 year affair 😱 I couldn't be that person competing for him.

OP have you TALKED to him. Like really objectively talked. Ask him. What is it that you really want from us (you and GF). Do you love her? Do you love me? Do you love either of us in any capacity?

Such shit advice. Why should she "just talk" to him, as though the entire future of the three of them - wife, mistress and husband - hang on him and his desires and decisions. Do the women have no agency at all? Why should who he "loves" be remotely relevant? He'd come out with some stupid BS like "I love you both" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

All that's relevant here is whether the OP wants to continue being a pawn in her own life, or whether she will start exerting some control over it. Fuck him. Yeah she might not have had sex with him for ages - in that case the husband would have been within his rights to end the marriage, even though it's difficult and painful and expensive. But as it is, he's not man enough to do that, because it would be an admission that the whole thing was a front.

OP yes it will be hard. But you will have some self respect.

Fair enough. I missed that.

Understood. Blows my mind that someone would consider winning a man who so obviously doesn’t care about his marriage.

The only person your husband truly loves is himself. End of.

I bet he can't believe his luck. He has a wife, children, and a long standing girlfriend who are quite happy to let him come and go, as and when he pleases.

This puts the phrase "Having his cake and eating it" to an astronomical level.

I won't even put into words what I think of this awful man, because I would most certainly be banned.

Just.... 🤢🤬