Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

@BustyLaRoux so he replied on email to a check in message sent months ago. So not really a conversation, mainly him telling me everything with his narrative. I dont want to row but id like to get home the point that he didnt appreciate everything I did, only what he didnt get from me, that is seeing me every evening and day. He disregarded everything ive done so loads of health support. I loved him dearly but he twisted everything to his narrative and that makes me angry. One thing was my kids and they were my life. He just cant process that I may want to spend time with them. Previous gfs have lived with him but they had their own issues and he was almost the dominant one yet im an equal and don't need him. It makes me mad.

I think @BustyLaRoux 's advice is bang on, you can't necessarily expect him to understand where you're coming from but just let him have his rant and don't waste too much energy trying to defend yourself. All sounds very hurtful.

We're in Edinburgh having a nice time but I am terribly underslept. Had an early wake up for plane, then on first night after 10pm DH got into serious spreadsheet making for shows we wanted to see and I kept telling him it was too late for me to do the logistical planning but he was insistent, so I went to bed with my head spinning and could barely sleep and then there was a late, child-unsuitable show he really wanted to go to last night and he kind of guilted me into it so I got to bed two hours later than I'd want and couldn't sleep again. Going to have to miss one show this afternoon to catch up on sleep so I don't have to go to bed so jittery I can't sleep.

@Petra42 The situation now is that you’re separated. Have been for a few months after he ghosted you. You haven’t heard from him at all during that time.
And there’s nothing in that message to say he is sorry/he misses you/wants to make it work (if I got it right).
So basically, it sounds to me that he has used you as an emotional punching bag.

It might be that he is resentful still of what happened or that he now has to readjust to a single life.
It might be that he is struggling just now (regardiess of why, work/family/whatever).
It doesn’t matter really. You’re not there for him to use you to release his anger/stress/help him regulate.

Id fully agree with @BustyLaRoux approach if he wanted to make things work and you did too. Or if you had something in common (like children).
But that’s not what’s going on right?

Well you’re in danger of it coming across like tit for tat. He blames you for x, you wish to defend against that accusation and blame him for y. Essentially it comes down to the two of you being incompatible. He wanted something you were unable to give. You don’t need to explain why he is wrong. Or why you couldn’t give him the commitment/time he wished for. It is simply incompatibility. I think if you say “wanting to see me every day and evening is unreasonable as I have children and I made that clear. I gave you all the time I could. And what about all these other things I did for you? You haven’t appreciated that!” It sounds defensive. It sounds angry.

I guess it depends what you want. Do you want to vent and get it all off your chest? Or do you want him to try and see where you’re coming from so there can be a peaceful closure? If the former then go for it!! If the latter then try saying it’s a shame his needs and your availability weren’t a match (factual rather than blaming) and that you gave as much as you could including some things which perhaps he has overlooked.

Not sure he will take it on board either way, but you have a better chance of him doing so with the second approach. But, as I say, depends what you’re after. If you want to give it both barrels and think you’ll feel better for doing so, then get it off your chest by all means. 😀

Sorry somehow forgot to add what I would do….
Which is nothing.
I wouldn’t say anything to him.
In part because I’m not sure that he wants an answer as such.
In part because he is unlikely to listen - a very normal reaction after a breakup (you tend to concentrate on all defaults of the other person). His autism will make it even harder.
In part because, as @BustyLaRoux said, it could become a tit first tat situation.
I would write your answer down, maybe on a piece of paire rather than an email. You’re annoyed and angry and you have the right to be. Ghosting someone is a very avoidant technique. It’s hurtful and stops everyone from getting some sort of closure.
So write it down. But then keep the answer for yourself.

@BustyLaRoux im most certainly going to follow your initial advice. Im hurt that initially things were good, and it felt like it was long term. But then the resentment on his part grew because i wasnt there 24 7 like others. He knew i had kids, and surely our love and also everything I did to support him was enough to make him be more accommodating. He has form for disappearing and I should have learnt but I was so besotted that I let it go.

@SpecialMangeTout3 I want it to be peaceful like all my breakups but I just wish he could see that he will never find another me!!

Sorry peeps for ranting, I've had time to think things over now. Im going to go with just keeping things brief rather than a tit for tat. As friends have said, its hard knowing where the autism ends and the other persons character begins. Initially id planned to write an equally long message responding to all the points but I now don't see any value in this. @SpecialMangeTout3 you're right about incompatibility but we were compatible in pretty much everything yet our lifestyles weren't.

Just catching up after a holiday. @Echobelly congrats on the diagnosis - that’s great.

@Petra42 keeping it brief sounds like the best approach - he probably won’t see things from your POV anyway…

Absolutely agree with this approach. Keep it factual and brief. I’d go with something like….
You gave as much as you were able.
He needed more. And therefore there were compatibility issues.
You both tried to work on them but they proved insurmountable.
You feel sad your efforts were not enough for him but recognise his need to feel needed/connected was not being met with what you had to offer.
You were hurt by the ghosting at the end and wish things had ended differently.
It was hard to process that at the time.
You wish him well, etc.

Hopefully with something brief and factual you’ll be able to find closure. He is autistic and clearly has a strong need to place blame. That’s hurtful but it doesn’t mean you are to blame. You don’t need to defend yourself. As you say, a tit for tat isn’t productive and doesn’t help you move on.

Ghosting someone is extremely childish. You say that you are compatible in many ways but emotionally, where it actually matters it appears you are miles apart. Doesn’t sound compatible for an actual adult to adult relationship with human feelings. I wouldn’t respond at all. You tried, he showed you who he actually is and not the version you hoped they would be and he fell short. I like to play with my friends and have hobbies and interests but there is a reason some of them are friends. We wouldn’t be emotionally compatible for an intimate relationship

Hi
I've just stumbled across this post because I am so frustrated with DH today (ND - ADHD, also suspected ASD). DH had a huge meltdown yesterday because eldest DC (also ASD and ADHD) was disrespectful towards him... DH ended up arguing with me, saying I never support him, take him for granted, am not grateful for all the effort he puts in towards the family.
I (NT) do SO MUCH for our family, including currently applying for ehcp for DC ontop of all the general rubbish that comes with ND family life... I work so hard to keep everyone emotionally ok. DH said he wants couples counselling because I am a rubbish wife who doesn't think of him at all. I give DC too much grace apparently and don't support him... But the way I see it is my DH and DC are so similar that they trigger each other, so telling DH to back down allows situations to de-escalate. It's not that I don't support him, but I see him and DS winding up each other, because they're both a bit dysregulated. I dont know if any of this makes sense but I just wanted to leave this here. I am guessing some of you may feel the same.

Interesting “debate” going on on another thread which has sucked the day away from me. Not sure if anyone has seen it / is interested. It’s a (apparently) woman asking if there is any chance of reconciliation after she cheated on her husband. Initially everyone thought she must be a man as there were lots of defensive posts about what defines the concept of love and at one point a flowchart appeared! Anyway, this person just cannot seem to grasp the experience of their cheated on spouse. Every post is argumentative, defensive, totally focused on the OP’s needs not being met (hence why they cheated). They barely mention the poor husband. Other than he has now had to take the kids on holiday without her as she didn’t like the destination he chose and would have found it stressful. All about the OP. All about their needs. No empathy for the cheated on spouse, other than “well they know I’m sorry and we’re trying to work it through” and “it’s not my fault. I didn’t realise how bad cheating was”. Lots of weird analogies, lots of minimising. Just reminded me of the experience of so many of us on here.

Anyway, it’s very interesting to read the posts and see the workings of this more than likely autistic person who is so in the wrong and cannot do anything other than argue. I do wonder if their husband might end up over here one day, seeking support.

Hello and welcome.
Totally hear what you’re saying. Your DH is so focused on his own emotional needs that he can’t see how things are for you. Applying for an EHCP is no mean feat, for a start! You are certainly not a rubbish wife. You sound very caring and tuned in. I personally would exercise caution when it comes to couples counselling. It can end up with the non ND partner getting a bashing for not being focused enough on the ND partner’s needs and they can sound very plausible. Of course that’s up to you. It hasn’t been a great experience for me or for a few people on here.
When your DC and DH are clashing it is your job to diffuse the stress and get everyone to calm down, and he, as the adult, should be able to back down, or at least not aggravate further. However with many autistic people their need to be right, and to be told how right they are, seems to trump any other need. And that can be really hard for you, as your job isn’t to validate his righteousness and put your DC in “their place!”. But of course he won’t be able to see that. That doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Quite the opposite. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way today. I hope you can come here and ask for support or for a vent whenever you need to. Xx

@Fizzfamm (I’m NT for clarity) oh the number of times when DS was little I told DH in no uncertain terms to suck it up because he was the adult and had to deal with his emotions himself and not take them out on a child who was triggering him! It was exhausting. DH has had therapy since a fairly recent ADHD diagnosis. We are in a much better place now and he has learnt to walk away if DS”s behaviour is stressing him out. But it is not fun on the front lines. I know you are holding the family together, I know you are seeing everything and balancing everything and doing everything and trying to love them all and it feels like your DH sees none of that. You are doing an amazing job (I never had to do the EHCP thing as we Home Ed, so kudos for battling through that too). But everyone here will see you and hear you. I don’t know if joint counselling would be helpful if your DH is mired in the woe is me mind set, I don’t know if he would go alone or if that would just make him think his attitude is valid. A conversation about what is respect might be helpful, sometimes they can get very affronted when a kid didn’t actually mean anything disrespectful, but he may not understand that? Anyhow solidarity from over here.

DH said he wants couples counselling because I am a rubbish wife who doesn't think of him at all.

@Fizzfamm just that would make me want to NOT have counselling with him. ND or NT.
Because he clearly expects the counsellor to say he is wonderful and you’re awful, an outsider who will confirm his position and how amazing he is.
Except that’s absolutely not what counselling is about. At the very least, he needs to go there expecting to have to change SOME of his behaviours if counselling has any chance to work.

100% this xx

Been here and totally agree with this.

My DH admitted on our last (never again!) round of counselling that he was expecting the counsellor to point out all the things that were wrong with me and get me to change. This was way before I worked out he was ASD and maybe ADHD too. I don’t think we’ll ever have counselling again but, if we did, it would have to be with someone who understands ASD.

@Percypigspjs I guess with the ghosting thing, i attributed it to a shutdown. However it just seemed like when he wasn't happy, he disappeared then I was scrambling a bit. This wasn't common but certainly seems to be with big things. On the whole, we were so happy that I made allowances however I just think now I couldnt be with someone who has form with things like this

Yeah I think we live and we learn. We are all happy when one person makes all the allowances. Happens in friendships until the person making the allowances gets fed up and without all those allowances there really isn’t much. I don’t think we can comprehend the level of selfishness in some people.

I have tried these past few months with my mum. But I’m at a point again where I’m getting so fed up. The relationship is absolutely fabulous…..as long as I visit because she won’t come to us, as long as the subject is her and what she is doing, try and talk about you and she switches it right back. What is the point? This isn’t a relationship it is a one man band where we talk about how amazing all the things she does is.

Yes, I have had the 'Because he/she is a child are YOU are the adult!' conversation with DH many times too. That he's allowed to be angry and annoyed but not to take that out on a child.

I'm interested in stories of people who have walked away from an adult partner or relative whose autism caused big problems in the relationship?

Do people have regrets if they stayed away? Have people gone back and picked up the threads? To what extent - and I know it may only be in quite a minor way - has the person with autism been capable of changing?

(I am of course talking about people who would be regarded as 'high functioning' in many respects. As opposed to non-verbal, significant learning difficulties etc.)

I walk then go back then get frustrated and back off with my mum. She can’t do relationships but I can’t seem to stop trying.

@Percypigspjs have you seen this thread? Saw it and thought of you: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5395150-i-think-my-mother-is-autistic-anyone-else

I had a read of that. Same argument comes up that it always seems to. Is it ASD or is it some personality disorder. I have no ideas but I know that we are a bit player in her life. Which feels crap however you label it. I’m fed up with it as I usually am in cycles. It’s a pointless relationship for me.