Yes I have.
I lived with DP for 5 years. I didn’t know he was autistic when we got together. His son is autistic (again, we didn’t know this at the time) and it dawned on me gradually how very similar they were.
It caused huge problems in our relationship. He would find fault and criticise a lot, if not with me then with my DC. Whereas his DC could do no wrong.
He would fly off the handle and say I was criticising him (ugh the irony!) fairly often. Simple “would you mind doing such and such?” Would be taken as “you lazy arsehole, why haven’t you done such and such?!” That kind of thing.
He would need to make shitty pointed comments all the time. And yet if I made a pointed comment (I am human. Yes, I try not to do it but I do make the odd one) he would fly into a rage. An absolute rage. How DARE I?! How dare I make an “UNHELPFUL COMMENT” at him (fine for him to make countless ones to me though!).
He used to tell me I was impossible, that I had to have the last word at all times. Even as I silently walked away from him while he shouted his “last words” at me, he would tell me I always had the last word (I really didn’t. I’d given up trying to reason).
The rages, the hypocrisy, the sensitivity to any perceived criticism, the lack of understanding that it was his perception which was the issue and not the words I was saying. My inability to find any way to communicate things I was unhappy with without him flying off the handle - this lead to emotional distancing by me. I felt like I was smiling but I’d switched off the lights inside.
There were other things too. The disorganisation and mess. He would lie about having done tasks and say he’d done them when he hadn’t. Stalling. Putting his head in the sand. Choosing to do things he enjoyed rather than dealing with urgent matters which were affecting our finances. Lying about it (who says autistic people can’t lie?!). Piles of papers everywhere which I wasn’t allowed to move or comment on.
The silent treatment and moods.
The insistence his very unreliable memory was the single truth. There was neverANY possibility that he might have misremembered or misunderstood something. Always accusations and blame whenever there was a small misunderstanding.
Misunderstandings being another thing that would set him off. Insistence that HE didn’t get anything wrong. It must have been me. I did it. I was at fault. I wasn’t clear. I misheard. Etc etc Like a child! And all the while I’m like “it doesn’t matter, it’s a simple misunderstanding!”. He wouldn’t accept that. Nope. It was my error. It had to be.
It all became too much. I had enough one day and said I would move out. He now tells people we arrived at this decision together and it was what he wanted all along (he has a need to take credit for things and will often phrase things in a very credit driven ego centric way. So instead of “we went to dinner” he will say “I took you for dinner”. That kind of thing. He has to have the credit. Even when it isn’t due!)
It wasn’t my intention to stay together. I fully intended that would be the end of us, but actually this new arrangement has worked well and we have stayed as a couple. He sees me in a different light and realises how much he loved me. How good I am for him actually. And him me.
I must give him credit. He has worked incredibly hard. He stopped heavy drinking. He is organising his life. He has a new house. And while there are still piles of stuff and rooms not sorted, it’s a whole lot better than the state the last place had got in. He is devoting more time to his DD instead of giving all his attention to his son. He accepts when I tell him he’s overstepped my boundaries (I am firm about these and I say what’s on my mind even if I think he won’t like it). To be fair to him, for the most part he accepts what I say and reflects. We rarely have a cross word. I think one argument in 4 months. We have disagreed about things and he’s got pissy and I’ve said he needs to leave. So not an argument, as I’ve refused to engage with it. He leaves. Reflects. Messages and says sorry, he’s been an asshole again and knows it. I say ok. Let’s move on then. He learns from his mistakes.
I can cope with him being an asshole (which is probably about once a month) because I have my safe space. I don’t need to pretend I’m fine to keep the peace. I don’t overreact either and get upset, as I can just make him leave and I can get on with doing something nice for me (glass of wine and something I like on TV). All the emotions are under control. They’re not suppressed and they’re not huge.
I feel very safe and very independent. #pinkkettle
I must say also that I’ve been unwell in recent weeks (back injury) and he has been Amazing!!!! Coming to my house. Cooking and cleaning up every day, driving me to the GP, picking up my meds. Giving me massages. Bringing me hot drinks. I have barely lifted a finger. I keep apologising and saying I’m so sorry he’s doing all this and he just replies with how happy he is do it because he loves me and doesn’t like to see me suffering. I’ve never been treated with such care. It’s one of the things he is very good at. I do feel very well looked after.
Moving apart was the best thing we could have done. I feel like all the best parts of ourselves have come back. It isn’t perfect. He is quite needy sometimes. He still gets in a piss over small things.But we can manage it now we have space. I am happier and I think that makes everything better for both of us.
Not sure if this would work for everyone. It’s quite unusual. It does seem to be working for us (though we are only 5 months in).