I think my mother is autistic - anyone else?

[rocketrabbit]

Not officially diagnosed (or seeking diagnosis) but my relationship with her is really difficult and has been for a long time. It's been suggested to me by a couple of people including a therapist and psychiatric nurse that she sounds autistic. I've been trying to read up on it and it does seem like it might explain a lot of things: she's always been oblivious to how I'm feeling/my emotions, she tends to take on the interests of the men she's married despite having shown no interest in those things before. Has her own special interest which she considers herself to be extremely knowledgeable about, holds very rigid views, struggles to ever consider something from someone else's POV. Struggles socially. Heavy alcohol use. She will quite often start a conversation about a particular topic seemingly out of the blue (the conversation hasn't naturally gone there, she just launches into a speech about it). She frequently says hurtful things but there doesn't seem to necessarily be malice behind it, just a complete lack of awareness of how they might land with other people.

As a child I often felt very alone and like she needed me to parent her. She was in a bad marriage for a very long time and leaned on me for emotional support. My father was horrendous, not a decent person at all (and TBH IMO should have gone to prison for his behaviour). He used to bully my mother about being 'weird.' I wonder now if he was picking up on what I guess you would call 'quirks' and using them against her, obviously in a totally unacceptable way.

Almost everything I've read is about parents of autistic children, but there doesn't seem to be much about adult children of autistic parents (and there must surely be quite a few of us).

Anyone else in the same boat?

My Mum is definitely autistic (I used to work in a neurodevelopmental support team and my brother, nieces and both dc are autistic).

It made for a very lonely childhood. Every day was the same. Her routines and fixations meant that we ate the same meals on the same days, watched the same programmes, went to the same caravan on the same dates for holidays. She was emotionally closed off, could be extremely hurtful without realising and remains the same to this day.

Currently, she is a carer for my Dad who has dementia and the situation is breaking my heart. She is rigid, can't understand or emotionally support him, berates him and generally treats him like a recalcitrant toddler. She won't consider moving house to a bungalow despite both of their needs (my dad is in a wheelchair or on a scooter most of the time) and instead literally pushes him up the stairs whilst declaring "we've always lived here". She can't accept change at all. We're on holiday with them at the moment and at 8.15 she will get up, switch on the kettle and switch on Radio 5 Live at a volume she can't hear but has to have on regardless. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea and some silence.

I love her. I really do. But it's a peculiar and isolating experience that I can't fully explain.

Yes, I think so.

Up, dressed and out to work at 7.15 ish every morning, she is 79 and wealthy, it's quite embarrassing at times. She loves the routine of her work. She says and does horrible things, but not with malice, she pander to men, as she was trained to do.

She leans on other women to help her prop up whatever toxic narrative or situation she is spinning. Almost always masking and presumes everyone else is too.

I’m pretty sure my mum is autistic. I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult, and it’s often genetic, and I see a lot of the traits of autism when I was researching it in my mum too. It was a difficult childhood for many reasons, and now I’m a parent myself I’m really trying to make sure they have a good childhood and relationship with me despite my autism. It’s possible that they are also ND (too young for diagnosis yet), so I know it could be challenging. I think knowing about my diagnosis is a huge advantage though, autism in women was hugely under diagnosed and not really known about previously so our mums wouldn’t have had the advantage of the knowledge and resources that are available now.

I've seen a lot of inexplicable pandering to men

Well yes she does sound probably Autistic.
Does it help you in anyway to know that Autism is an explanation of her behaviour and personality?
I say this as an adult - and mother- who was given an unofficial Autism diagnosis very late in life. It has helped me in the respect of taking away some of the guilt and shame about my perceived " weird " behaviour. And I think it's helped my son when I've now been able to explain some of the things about me that he has struggled with.

Honestly, I don't know. It's really difficult. She's not been a good parent, and it's not like I had a half decent father to compensate, because he was a nightmare. My relationship with my mother continues to be very difficult. She's often very unkind to me and whether she means to be or not almost seems irrelevant, because the damage is still done. I'm very angry with her and trying to get to a place of acceptance. She's got no idea that I suspect this might be the issue and I don't think it's a conversation I could have with her.

Sounds like she’s had a horrible marriage. What was her childhood like? Her parents? I

Absolutely. ASD or ADHD. DM"s incapable of empathy & can't abide her routines being changed & has never worked outside of a repetitive job before marriage. She has admitted it 'never crossed her mind' to parent us past food & clothing. I basically raised myself & had zero support or guidance.

Right now, DF is really unwell & she's unpleasant as she 'is over it and he's in my space'. He's 84. She had a nasty meltdown at having to miss the gym to go to my high school graduation ceremony, (many years ago now). Is obsessed with things (tv), and impulse buys whatever is shiny and new.

Anyway, it goes on. Realising she's likely got a diagnosis does help in that I know it's not about me, but her, and I feel a bit less crap about myself. It's still sad. It also makes me realise I probably have a diagnosis too, and work hard to parent very differently. My DC both are ND, so we work hard to get them the help & support they need.

It sounds really difficult for you OP.
I had a difficult relationship with my own parents - I didn't even go to my father's funeral. He was emotionally very cruel and very likely Autistic , although Autism wasn't known about in his day. I couldn't talk to either of my parents.
I have a good relationship with my son and I think the key is that we are able to talk about things.
Conversation is so vital and it is sad you can't have that with your mother because it makes it almost impossible to get to any resolution. It's why I'm still bitter about my parents.

@Ohlifelife thank you. it is really challenging. I worry about becoming bitter but I definitely feel it at times.

Mine is, too, as is my brother. Maybe I am? It does help to explain things.

My dm and I are estranged

I have my autism diagnosis and i'm raising an autistic little girl

I know my dm was autistic, and had several other mh issues. The way you've described your mum sounds like mine

Tbh, I dont care that she struggled, I loved her, but for me its the times she went out of her way to be cruel and nasty that are unforgivable

I think you could try to separate the mh issues and autism causing problems to the concious choices causing you pain and go from there as to how to address them xx

I think autism is way more common than we think. One of my DC was recently diagnosed but I think I knew since they were probably autistic when they were very young. Getting this diagnosis and understanding the genetic aspects I think I can see autism in several other family members from grandparents down. Other family members agree but none are seeking diagnosis. Some seem to have self diagnosed triggered in part by my DC getting a diagnosis.

One of those I think may have been autistic is my DM. I find it sad as it probably explains a lot of those behaviours that were problematic but doesn't change the impact.

I think two things can be true, you can understand and perhaps have a bit of sympathy for/empathy for them but also have far more sympathy and empathy for little you as that stuff still happened to you no matter what was or is going on for your mum.

ive had similar but mine is I am certain because of chronic emotional immaturity, her and my dad in different ways. It’s interesting though as a friend of a friend who interacts with my parent in a hobby /club situation had apparently suggested to my friend that my parent has autistic traits. I said no definitely not having devoured the Lindsey Gibson book where they both ticked every single box but am now wondering!

Utterly.
Pandered to my Dad but also belittled him.
Strong routines and interests.
Cold, or overly tearily emotional.
Lost most of her friends.
No concept of empathy.
No concept of how she came across to others, in looks or actions.

Two counsellors have asked me "So, who was the mother, you or her?" In truth when we were young she tried very hard, but found children dreadfully difficult and had a favourite. As I got older I became a 'mother' to her, whilst getting a lot of abuse - not good enough, weird, I never understood you, you were an odd, fat child (lots of weight shaming when I was small). I was also smacked, then beaten as I got older, until I left home. It wasn't often but it, and its threat was there.

I've considered myself undiagnosed autistic - until recently a counsellor told me that CPTSD from childhood trauma manifests in a similar way to autism in women.

A lot of this resonates with me.

My mum was present throughout my childhood, my dad worked long hours so mum could work very part-time to be with me and my brother. But honestly, she was so emotionally absent there was really no benefit to it.

She fed us, but barely. I was always hungry as a child. My brother was one year older and had issues around food (looking back, he was clearly autistic from a young age). He would only eat chicken nuggets and chips, so that’s what she fed me too. She was always on a diet and made herself lovely big salad and pasta dishes. I always said “that looks nice, could I try that next time?” but she just never did - I always got the same, chicken nuggets.

As my brother and I were close in age I got his hand me downs. Also hand me downs from a neighbour. Other than that I didn’t get clothes.

She didn’t encourage teeth brushing so I didn’t bother for a long time. I can remember at around age 8 staying at a friends and being amazed that her mother laid out her toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and shouted her in to supervise brushing. I didn’t even have a toothbrush with me so she gave me a spare.

She would just be surprised if I mentioned this. As you say, it just wouldn’t have crossed her mind.

car journeys with her, to the supermarket etc, were just silent. No chat, no advice, no guidance ever.

But anytime I got something wrong, she would give me the disapproving silent treatment, despite the fact that I was obviously crying out for a bit of guidance.

Brother moved out and hasn’t spoken to her for years, but he has his own issues.

Dad died 3 years ago and it was awful. He had a long, degenerative illness, and she was just so angry and resentful throughout it all. Furious at her routines being disrupted etc. No empathy at all.

Then when he died she fell apart and hasn’t really recovered. She masks with everybody else in her life, and it’s like she now doesn’t have the energy to do it so she sees them less. She feels very sorry for herself. Talks about the same things constantly and stresses about little things and goes over and over them constantly.

She loves my kids but doesn’t really know them, despite spending time with them every week and doing childcare when they were younger. She’s only really interested in them in how they relate to her - ie do they look like her, do they like asparagus same as her, are they good swimmers like she used to be. She will go on and on about stuff like that, but has no interest in getting to know them as people, unless it relates back to her in some way. She does love them though.

It’s very hard. Conversation is so stilted. If I talk about my life (work, hobbies etc) she just looks at me blankly and a bit surprised, like she finds it a bit awkward or embarrassing that I’m telling her this stuff (like what I’m up to at work etc), then will change the subject and talk about something to do with her which she’s already told me 3 times that week.

One incident that happened last week. My best friend from childhood is pregnant. Mum is good friends with her mum Jean, as am I.

Friend told me and Jean posted about it on facebooK as she is very excited. I told my mum and another mutual friend also told her. Mum isn’t on Facebook so didn’t see the post.

Jean has been so supportive over years when I had my kids, so I had straightaway sent her a message congratulating her as she is so excited to be a nan.

Mum said about a week later. “I hadn’t heard from Jean in ages but she texted yesterday, we are going to meet for lunch. She didn’t tell me about the baby so obviously I havent said anything.”

I said “why? She will probably assume, correctly, that I told you, and also mutual friend told you”

”No, I’ll just wait till she tells me.”

Jean will absolutely know that she knows and hasn’t bothered to congratulate her. Not that she would ever say anything about it. But this is a woman who has been a huge support to both mum and me for other 35 years, she has been desperate to be a nan for a long time, and I juts feel very awkward and embarrassed by my mums behaviour.

It’s very difficult.

newtvnews

I would read about narcissistic personality disorder re your mother and see how much of that relates to her behaviour. She made your lives all about her. You all seem to be bit part players with she at the centre of her universe.

This sounds so similar to my mum. The blank look of surprise like its embarrassing when you try to share something about your own life - my mum would behave the same in the situation with Jean and the baby too. Very black and white thinking. It's so hard. Leaves you feeling oddly humiliated when you try to share/be known

I think the Jean and baby situation is a good example, my mother would behave similarly. She masks so much, she thinks everyone else does too, the pretending is universal, everyone is playing this game. Social interactions are all about reading the masking clues, it's draining. Some of this is generational etiquette also, a pregnancy is a secret until you are told.

My mother unmasks with me 1 on 1, particularly during long car journeys. I think as she is aging and her brain is aging, she is unmasking more.

@TorroFerney I suspected some degree of emotional immaturity too because of the obvious parentification, but then there seems to be a complete inability to understand other people's feelings

@beeeeeeez I got a lot of weight/size shaming too. She once told me (shortly after I had my own children) that she really liked babies but once they got to about 18 months, she didn't feel the same enjoyment and got bored. It didn't seem to occur to her that that's actually an odd thing to say to your own child.

Mine has said she wanted to throw me out the window when I was a baby- completely couldnt comprehend why that would be a difficult thing to hear! It's so hard when there's a brick wall there in terms of the understanding of your perspective

Yes, pretty sure my mum is autistic. Very routine driven, even when those routines make life so much harder for her. Can't handle spontaneity or changes to plans. Not a good hostess as she will clean up around people so no one quite feels comfortable. I love her to bits, but it's been quite hard at times, as her way is the only way. This has markedly got worse as she's got older too.

@AttilaTheMeerkatPossibly, but it’s not quite that straightforward.

She has always portrayed herself very much as the martyr. She has always portrayed herself as doing everything for everybody and being a downtrodden wife and mother.

However, I’m not sure that’s quite true. She did retain her part-time job up until she was 65, even increasing her hours as it was required by the employer. But she enjoyed it. It was a very nice work environment, with a lot of lovely, supportive colleagues who were her friends, and she enjoyed the social side of it. I do think she was masking, which must have been tiring, as the smiley work persona dropped the minute she walked through the door at home.

inthijk she enjoyed having a built in social life that didn’t require any effort from her - just going to work each day meant she was included in the large group.

The job did not pay well, which put financial pressure on my dad. But I don’t think she would ever acknowledge the fact that he enabled her to do a badly paid but pleasant job that she enjoyed.

she can’t ever admit to being wrong though. If any suggestion is made that she’s to blame for anything she starts crying and shouting “yes I know, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault, everything’s my fault”…..which of course is a total cop out and not actually taking responsibility for anything.

Yes I think so. I didn't realise until recently but it explains so much. I would describe my experience of my mother as abusive and neglectful.
She is very misogynistic, more than is typical for her generation.
Of course my brother is the golden child despite also being abusive.

She has been ill recently with cancer and I stayed at hers for three weeks, the first day I wanted to go home because it was so triggering, but as time went on I saw that a lot of her behaviour is driven by
-anxiety
-lack of social awareness
-inability to regulate nervous system/overstimulation
-extreme sensitivity to perceived criticism

All signs of autism.

It made me sad that she has struggled for her whole life and not known why, but also that I had such an unhappy difficult childhood, and that it had prevented us having a good mother daughter relationship.

@Alwayslurkingsometimespostingitsnhorrible isn’t it?

I could talk through situations with my dad, work problems / dilemmas etc etc. he would listen, offer advice, then later ask how it was going.

mum just doesn’t want to know and looks totally startled if I bring it up again.

Also, friends. She won’t acknowledge friends of mine. If say “oh mum, you remember Sue, you met at Brownies bbq last year” she will just say “oh…hello…” and then same again when she meets her the next week / month / year. No recognition. Whether it’s an act or she genuinely doesn’t remember, I don’t know. But she’s certainly not interested.

Whereas my dad would have said “oh yes, Sue, did you get your car fixed / how’s your husband doing / do you want a cup of tea” etc etc.

She is deeply suspicious of people though, which maybe plays a part in it.