Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

.... or even 'right'....

@PollyHutchen your comment about how what happened with your dad affects your experience now has hit a nerve.

Ive had the same with dh my own father. I’m carrying some childhood trauma from his regular shouting and anger and it took me a long time to realise dh mumbling (which are actually stimming) triggered exactly the same reaction than my dad’s shouting. Feeling unsafe and full on fight or fly feeling.

I found it so hard to deal with because there’s no way I’m going to say to dh to stop stimming, ie a fully autistic reaction. But at the same time, I felt panicked every time….
My own response has been to remind myself: dh is not my dad. It’s his experience, not mine - I don’t have to carry it (I’m telling myself ‘it’s his, not mine!’) . And I put headphones on to block the sound.

Your answer would be different of course! But I just wanted to say that I get where you’re coming from. And it’s hard.

Seems there are two things going on here @PollyHutchen. The first is access to the baby, him feeling pressured. Perhaps this is a combination of him and his partner feeling pressured to allow visitors at a time when they feel totally overwhelmed. Throw some ND in there and perhaps a meltdown is understandable. I would back off with making any comment about visiting (although sounds like without an apology you won’t be wanting to visit their house anyway). It’s not your right to see the baby. It is purely up to him and his partner who visits and when.

The second, more difficult thing, is the narrative around his upbringing. It must really sting to know you’ve tried your best with this person to have them throw it back in your face after all these years. My experience of autism (there are a few autistic people in my life) is that false memories are definitely a thing. They are real for that person. And there is such rigid thinking involved that they cannot accept they may have got it wrong. It must be doubly painful for you to have such unpleasant memories from your childhood triggered by his outburst.

I am not sure you’ll get the apology you’re after. If you’re holding out for that you may be waiting a very long time. Grudge holding is also a big thing with the autistic people I know, as is falling out with friends and family.

Depending on what you want to do next, I wonder if your DH (DP? Not sure which) could try to smooth things over. He is unlikely to elicit the apology you’re after (as the memories are real for his son, so he won’t think he has anything to apologise for!), but he may be able to get him to move past it and let you see the baby at some point, if that’s what you want. You’re probably right in that your relationship will be different from here on in. Did you have no idea he held these feelings of resentment and animosity towards you? Have they come completely out the blue? Or has he always been off with you? Did your DH have an inkling he felt this way?

Having a baby does rear up some of our memories of childhood. It’s possible the new baby has caused him to (mis)remember bits of the past he’d forgotten about.

I guess you need to decide if you can move past this. He sounds like a young man who has difficult emotions and a strained relationship with the truth. Perhaps it’s better for your own mental health to have some distance from him.

Thanks for this.

Re 'rights' to visit, I am aware of the trend to limit family visits, especially in the period immediately after giving birth. We had tried to be sensitive to that, by keeping visits short and bringing food. But there had also originally been this understanding that a bit later we would give some regular help with childcare, partly as nursery fees are high, and money is not abundant. When they told us about the pregnancy, we said we would like to be involved and his words were, 'You don't have any choice.'.Also I recently have retired. I am 10 years younger than my husband, so though he is in good health I would in coming years be better at racing around with a toddler etc. There are no other close family members under four hours drive away. We had both been operating under the assumption that to do this we needed first to start getting to know the baby.

I was really surprised by the resentment, because it sprang from what seemed to me to be quite small, 'ordinary' incidents from long ago (ie it is pretty normal for anyone in a parental role to be cross with children now and then, if boundaries are repeatedly pushed, and in the main I was patient and consistent.) Our relationship had seemed stable and involved regular contact for at least the last fifteen years. He seemed entirely happy to sit and eat meals that I cooked!

But I think if he continues to hold onto these 'memories' - partly inflated and partly false - then it is obviously not appropriate for me to have any caring/grandparental role.

My husband was very shocked. He is sad, because he feels that his son has in some sense gone backwards - as if has the powerful feelings of an enraged chid, but without a child' s ability to move on.

We are getting on with our lives, but there is a sense of something almost like bereavement, after having anticipated that the arrival of the baby might strengthen bonds and be a source of shared happiness.

So my H has now been diagnosed with complex PTSD. It’s really thrown me off tbh. I had just wanted to put his MH difficulties behind us and actually get on with life. This diagnosis is making me realise he still has massive MH issues. The trauma is from ASD and chronic pain, nothing else that I know of.

I just don’t want this in my life if I’m being honest. We’re midway through a house move so splitting would be highly disruptive. It would hugely impact younger clearly ASD kid. I don’t know what to do. I had previously reconciled living together at least until the kids left home. But I’m finding it hard to think about that next decade being just the same all over again. I’m completely burned out I don’t seem to have ‘caring’ feelings for DH at aml, I see him as the enemy almost. What a mess.

The first part sounds like a simple misunderstanding. You say visits were short, we always brought food, we were trying to get to know the baby with a view to looking after them when parents needed to go back to work. All very reasonable. However there will be another side. Perhaps the visits, although short and with food, were too much. Perhaps the visits were your suggestion rather than their invitation. Perhaps other family members or friends have been imposing visits. Perhaps they did want you to get to know the baby, but in their way and in their time. It’s hard to say what their reality is but there will be a different reasonable interpretation. It’s just different expectations and perhaps assumptions that everyone was working from the same page. Plus they are likely frazzled and overwhelmed as newborns tend to do that to people!

I guess that part matters less. If it were just that, you could all apologise and smooth it over and chalk it down to different expectations and lack of communication about what they wanted.

The false or inflated memories…this part is tough. I lived with my DP’s DC for five years. They were 6 and 9. Now 12 and 15. The youngest is lovely. The eldest is autistic and is very challenging. I think I’ve only shouted at him once and that was when he shoved his sister and DP wasn’t in the room. Other than that I never tell other people’s children off because it isn’t my place. It won’t be appreciated by anyone. Interestingly my SIL does think it’s her place to tell other people’s children off. She quite often takes mine to task. They hate it!!! Even if they deserve it, it’s my job not hers. Unfortunately it’s had the effect that sometimes they don’t want to go round there. They feel like she tells them off all the time. That she’s too strict. That she makes them eat food they don’t like….. she would probably be horrified to know they felt this way. She is also very kind. And they know that. But they can’t get over the telling off. My youngest is scared of upsetting her. Again SIL would be horrified (and would likely get very defensive if she knew). I think my children’s memories and what they hold on to has been inflated. I mean, she doesn’t tell them off all the time (!) and is actually a very kind person. But they’re children and their memories are not accurate. My youngest can get quite upset about things and is very sensitive so small things become huge things in her little head.

I wonder if something similar has happened with your stepson. His brain has held on to the negative bits and being autistic as well he is particularly sensitive to those. Even though the telling off may have been justified and infrequent, it is what he remembers and has held on to all these years. And then it all comes bubbling to the surface because childhood memories tend to do that when we have a baby.

It’s one thing to understand his perspective, but another to know what to do about it. If you do want a relationship with him, his partner and the baby, then my advice would be not to get defensive (“I only did….. it wasn’t like that…..HE did x and y”) because it won’t help. He won’t change his memories. He can’t. You have to accept that this is his truth. You don’t have to agree with it. You can have a different truth. But this is HIS. So you’ll need to find a way to acknowledge it, to perhaps try to balance it out (perhaps DH could remind him of all the kind and caring things you also did). So it’s not a case of trying to tell him his memories are wrong (autistic: won’t accept that) or even that you have different memories of these scenarios (autistic: won’t accept people can have different views. There is their view and all the other wrong views). But you can try and balance out the bad memories with some good ones as well. And to let him know he is very much loved and wanted. Try to encourage him to look forward rather than back. The autistic people I know really struggle to move on from past hurts, often dwelling and dwelling on the past and becoming almost obsessional about it. He may need to be supported to put that behind him and look forward in a positive way.

Alternativrly you yourself may not be able to move past this. And that would be understandable. But the cost would be high because it sounds like you were very much looking forward to being a GP to this little baby. If you want that, you’re going to need to be the bigger person and move past this. He won’t be able to change his memories and you won’t get the apology you said you wanted. If you can accept that and move forward, and he can be encouraged to do the same, then maybe you can all have a nice future to look forward to with you being an active GP and them being appreciative.

That really is a kind and thoughtful post. I think the sad thing is that I can't move past it, because I have my own boundaries.

My experience of being a parent was that my stepchildren's time with us continued absolutely unchanged. (I have a stepdaughter too and she is younger.) I don't have a problem with it in the sense that I think it actually helped me get used to the reality of parenting and both stepchildren were very excited to have a new sibling. I do remember feeling overwhelmed by other visitors at one point.

But the seeking to impose a sort of absolute control over who can and can't visit, to the extent that even asking is taboo is alien to me - for me it doesn't seem like something that I should apologise for - as if I had been some kind of uppity servant. I can see that a lot of new parents to feel very entitled to lay down all sorts of barriers and strict conditions - but it would make it harder for wider family to feel a connection with the baby. (It leads to the situation where one would feel much more inclined to say, 'No that doesn't work for us, if asked to help'

I think what I can't make sense of is the idea - encouraged by my stepson during his partner's pregnancy - that we were going to be involved grandparents who helped with childcare. But then after the baby was born, I'm told that I was an unkind and hostile stepmother - who had harmed him when he is younger and who is wholly unreasonable in wanting to see the baby. Because if that is the person who I was/am, then why could he ever have wanted me to be involved in the first place.

I feel that to go on would involve a form of walking on eggshells, rather as people walk on eggshells when someone is being abusive.

My sense is that in wanting to have a relationship with my stepson, I had been seeking to minimise the severity of his neurodivergence for years - and walking on eggshells round him for years. It had been so habitual that I hadn't really realised it.

I do realise that any relationship with a ND person will be 'different' and would want to make some allowances. But I have to look after myself as well.

Again, thank you so much. The reference to autism and grudge-holding has been really helpful and I've been looking some stuff up.

Yes @PollyHutchen a lot of the experience of being in a relationship with an autistic person (doesn’t have to be a partner relationship, all stepchild or friendship would also be relevant here) is the feeling of being in an abusive relationship. Eggshells, your needs suppressed, no empathy for you, sudden unpredictable rages. It’s very familiar to many of us, unfortunately. (Although that’s not to say this behaviour is par for the course with all autistic people at all. Everyone is different).

I will say that I do get a bit of a sense of entitlement coming though your posts with regard to seeing the baby. But this is probably because you were all excited at the prospect of being a hands on GP and now you’re being told to back off and a lot of other not very nice things too! It must be very confusing and upsetting. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

I think likening the stepkids coming to their dad’s home as per the contact arrangement between your DH and his ex, to you wanting to see the baby is probably unhelpful. For one, the kids were coming to their dad’s. It was their home. They weren’t being accommodated at your grace. They were entitled to be there. Whereas visiting a grandchild is entirely at the parents’ invitation. It’s not an agreed arrangement. It’s not your home. You’re not entitled to be there.

Perhaps I’ve misunderstood you, but the way you’ve worded a few things gives me that impression and I wonder if stepson and partner have picked up on that too. Hence the overreaction!

I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. If anything you’re the one who’s been unappreciated and who’s made all the accommodations over the years. I don’t think you will get any thanks for that. And perhaps, as you say, your boundary has been reached now. We do need to have personal boundaries and it is a good thing to have integrity where these are concerned. Far too many of us have been walked over and mistreated for far too long. There does come a point where enough is enough. If you’re at that point, then it is sad, but it is also OK.

Thanks again. I think the step-parent thing may be complicating the issue - for you as well as for my stepson.

From my point of view it was our home, not 'Dad's home'. I cooked, washed up, tidied, played games, listened, did school pickups, did endless laundry - both stepchildren were enuretic. It was also where they saw their little sister who they really did love. And still do.

I could, of course, have stepped right back. But then both my stepchildren would have lost contact with their father, who worked sometimes long and irregular hours. If he had refused work in order to be able to pick them up from school on the relevant days, then the maintenance payments would have become impossible.

My stepson also pretty much disowns his own mother, who lives at the other end of the country and has - as I understand it - some fairly major issues in relation to her health. She nevertheless made the long drive down to see her new grandchild staying with friends for a couple of nights, but was only allowed to see the baby for a single visit of a couple of hours.

So the rejection of me seems to be part of some wider pattern of anger and rejection of maternal figures.

My own viewpoint would be that if you put a lot of time into helping someone grow up, that would generate in the case of a neurotypical adult, some sense obligation, even if that might at times feel like an unwanted duty. A baby - even though its primary needs when very small are absolutely about its mother, and Dad - is also likely in the longer term to benefit from being part of a wider network of family who love and care for him/her.

I don't reckon I can abandon my beliefs, just because someone is suddenly reacting violently against them. I can reflect on them, and acknowledge that others think very differently, but not ditch my opinions entirely.

I think I am now very much caught between my husband's continuing wish, which has been the basis of our marriage, for me to be someone who cared about the two older children. Someone who was there not just for him but for them as well.

And my stepson's wish to reject me.

(My husband really is pretty devastated too. I've made it clear to him that it absolutely was not my intention to make things more difficult for him and that he shouldn't let me come between the two of them. He should go round to my stepson's place. But he doesn't want to at present.)

I can see the dilemma (been there myself), but staying until the children leave home might have a detrimental effect on your own mental as well as physical health?

Moving is a mayor disruption anyway, is there a way to turn it into a move into separate homes?

Can totally relate to the trying to reconcile and making it work as it's what I've been doing that myself on and off but I've come to the conclusion that it would cost me my health and sanity and I am slowly working my way out.

I definitely agree with this. There isn’t a right time. You are not a carer for your DH and you entitled to say you’ve had enough. Whilst a diagnosis is new, the challenges that were there before are still there. Waiting indefinitely can risk your mental and physical health. Many people on here are evidence of that. I didn’t believe it myself, not the physical health part, but on reflection this is a very real consequence of suppressing our needs and all the other bits we have to live with. If you want to get out, then you can find a way. There’s no shame in it. It takes strength and a lot of admin (!) but you CAN do it if you want to. You get one life. You’re not a support animal.

I had thought that re-centring our relationship was the priority. But ofc because he would not agree to couples counselling and only wanted individual therapy we are back here where the focus is on him. Now it seems I am to be support human again. I’m so frustrated with h and his therapist. We talked about it today but it wasn’t good. I agree time horizon may need to come forward for leaving, I just can’t manage if our relationship is never centred. I know 3 years is a long time but that’s the next sensible break point, maybe I need to consider it properly. Prices are mad here I would need that time probably. Maybe I am closer to the pink kettle than I realised.

A meeting with a financial advisor can really help. Then you know where you stand and the financial break point.

I think in your initial post you said something along the lines of your response to him saying he felt pressured to let you visit the baby, was that stepson should remember that when you’d had a baby (his baby half sister), he still came to the house at the agreed times because this was a normal part of family life. The implication inferred from that was that you visiting your grandchild is just a normal part of family life and that he should remember how you welcomed him even though you’d just had a baby yourself and felt overwhelmed. At least I think that’s what you meant. To be honest, it’s the kind of comment that could be (and obviously was) taken the wrong way. It makes it sound like you did him a good turn and now he needs to do you one and let you visit. It does come across that you feel owed in some way. So I can see why that would rub someone up the wrong way.

If you were his birth mother…we raise our DC without an expectation of thanks. We don’t feel they owe us. I expect manners. I expect consideration. But I don’t expect gratitude. I think the step parent thing is important. Because it sounds like you expect something in return for the service you provided when they were young. The endless washing etc. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to feel that way. To be honest, it IS a service! They’re not your children and you don’t have the unconditional love for them that a parent has. (I say that as a step parent). So essentially you have provided a service. (I’m not suggesting you didn’t love them as well!). But it is different from being their parent and the way you made that point to him about how he should remember back when you’d had your baby, does sound like you would like a return in terms of being able to see his baby. (Perhaps I’m way off the mark. I don’t mean to cause offence and I’m sorry if I am being too blunt).

As I say I think there’s the issue of visiting rights and maybe how that was approached and reacted to, but the much bigger issue of how he views his childhood. The former could be smoothed over with a bit of work, but the latter is the real test. It would be quite hard to move past that. For all concerned. Your DH must be feeling really torn right now. It’s not an enviable situation. I hope you can find a way forward. I think you’re right to place some distance between you, but I can understand you feeling quite shocked and hurt by the things he’s said and the narrative he seems to have adopted. I think the Let Them philosophy may be of use here.

@NoviceVillager Also a meeting with a lawyer and CAB to review what you’d be entitled to.
I know that when I first had to claim (disability) benefits, it was all extremely confusing. And it’s very easy to assume you can’t get xyz when actually you’re entitled or not know abc even exists.

I personally find knowing what I’d actually have quite reassuring.

@NoviceVillager just wanted to reinforce what @BustyLaRoux said.

A diagnosis is just that. Especially with c-PTSD, it’s not somethimg new. It has just put a name on what he is experiencing, no more. It hasn’t changed anything.

I suspect that the issue is that for him, it’s reinforcing this idea he has ‘a problem’ and needs support. And you and your needs are left by the wayside again.
When actually BOTH needs to be tackled.

So yes it makes sense, his sessions with the therapist are concentrating on him. I have c-PTSD and that’s what I do with my own therapist.
The difference is that I’m self aware enough to know that dh needs still exist and are still as valid as mines.
And if he can’t do that for you, then saying enough is enough is more than ok. You exist. Your needs are just as worthy as his. If you’re miserable, you’re entitled to leave, regardiess of his diagnosis.

the way you made that point to him about how he should remember back when you’d had your baby, does sound like you would like a return in terms of being able to see his baby.

I think what was underpinning my remark was more to do with my stepson's - and his partner's conviction that it was unreasonable for them to make any kind of arrangement - quite a long time after the birth. Because they had a baby. (Not a premature or a sick one. Normal delivery.) My stepson has never been good at making any kind of arrangement and sticking to it. And when he was single we were used to him being uncommitted and would just put out an extra plate or put it away. But when there are three of them, and my husband was also very keen to see his grandchild, all the stuff about no, we couldn't possibly commit to anything was frustrating us both.

And my frustration led to my saying well I did have to be quite organised when I became a mother. (Yes, I dared to mention that I too was a person! Shock. Horror.)

But your thoughts have been helpful, even when I have found myself thinking that our personal philosophies are rather different.

My stepson has never been good at making any kind of arrangement and sticking to it. And when he was single we were used to him being uncommitted and would just put out an extra plate or put it away. But when there are three of them, and my husband was also very keen to see his grandchild, all the stuff about no, we couldn't possibly commit to anything was frustrating us both.

My adult ds (also autistic) is the same. I’ve learnt not long ago that this actually an autism thing - many autistic people need certainty (we will meet at 12.03pm on Saturday 15th June with this person and that person type if things). But others, like my ds, much prefer to stay uncommitted than dealing with plans that change. As a result, it’s near impossible to have any plans out of him until the last minute and it’s all certain!!
And yet, I know what you mean about needing to have plans some times! It’s infuriating isn’t it?

And dealing with adult children starting a family of their own is a minefield isn’t it? Even more so when its step children. They start their own traditions, their own ways of doing things, obviously influenced by their partners ways of doing things too, and it’s often not what you’d do yourself! It’s hard not to step in.

Just wanted to say I can see how frustrating things are for you. And how hurt you are that you’ve put some much effort into things but very much feel like you’re now discarded.
I’m afraid I don’t really have an answer either…. My answer would be to go with the flow to protect my relationship with my ds. But I’m also aware this is not always the best answer and migut not fit your particular situation.

Yes I see what you mean @PollyHutchen. My DP also very vague when it comes to making arrangements. Doesn’t like to be hemmed in by plans. Everything is last minute. He likes things on his terms and I think finds being asked to make definite plans a sign that people are trying to control him. It’s incredibly frustrating!

Hello! I need to intro myself I am new and kindly got directed to this thread.

I am exhausted.

I feel like I’m carrying too much, and I’ve finally hit a point where I can’t cope anymore.

My younger daughter has Autism and PDA, which brings challenges that require an enormous amount of emotional energy and constant flexibility it is so hard to find when home life is already stretched to breaking point.

My husband, who I’ve been with for 23 years and married to for 16, has OCD. He’s extremely rigid in his thinking and behaviour, and that rigidity infiltrates everything. Until recently, I didn’t fully understand why our communication felt so chronically strained and draining. But a significant shift happened in therapy yesterday. I realised that my husband is very likely Autistic as well.

That insight has opened my eyes and, honestly, made me feel even more overwhelmed. It explains so much the control he needs to have all the time , the lack of emotional reciprocity, the intense structure he needs but it also makes the weight of it all feel heavier. I’m so so so so bloody tired.

I’m in my mid-40s now. I’m in therapy - waking up to truths I had suppressed to survive. I feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m carrying just too much.

Our sex life is non-existent. Not because he’s pressuring me - he’s not - but because my body has shut down. It refuses to be close to someone who constantly needs to dominate or control but then wants ME to control in the bedroom - I keep playing out the stuff in my mind I’ve done to satiate his sexual desires. That issue, strangely, doesn’t even feel like the biggest one right now. It’s just another sign of how disconnected I feel, how tapped out I am emotionally, mentally, physically.

I am so tired. So, so tired.

I’m carrying my daughter’s needs, the emotional toll of living with someone whose way of being often leaves no space for mine, and the enormous, invisible weight of managing everyone else’s emotional world - except my own.

And now, I realise I’ve been doing it for years. It has worn me down.

I don’t want to feel this broken anymore. But right now, I don’t even know how to find the space to rest, let alone heal. please can anyone direct me to any books or podcasts. I apologise up front if some of what I type looks like AI I am so limited on time - I transcribe into AI and copy and paste or ask it to create bullet points cos I don’t have time and I need help.

My kids don’t have PDA I don’t think Goldfish, more like classic autistic DA. But I hear you on the other stuff. It is crushing. I found it so hard when my DH got a diagnosis, it brought up so many things. It was like I spent 2 months reliving so many things over the past years. I’m not surprised emotions are swirling for you. Take good care of yourself at this vulnerable moment. Sending you a hug.

Thank you @NoviceVillager- I am so angry and resentful. I’m so angry with myself for even marrying him, I knew on my wedding day, I knew something. But there were plenty of good times, he’s not
a bad man, far from it, he adores the kids and I know he loves me. I know he won’t cheat on me, I know he’ll work himself into the ground. His OCD is crippling, he’s so hypervigilent, so stressed all the time. It’s so so hard for me. Thank you for understanding.

my DDs PDA is equally crippling for me, I feel there will be nothing left of me.

Hi @goldfishbowl2025 and welcome. It does indeed sound exhausting. My dad describes himself as OCD (I don’t think he’s very clued up on autism). He has lots of anxiety around germs and household appliances needing endless checking. He gets extremely anxious if his routines are upset. He is very needy and demanding and doesn’t really seem to understand that his needs are not everyone else’s priority and can genuinely seem quite annoyed and perplexed that other people might wasn’t to prioritise their own needs. My mum managed to stay married to him for 20 years before she had enough and left one day. I never blamed her for leaving. She deserved better. I could see how broken she was.

You sound equally broken. Are you thinking this might be the breaking point for you? Do you want advice on how to begin to plan your exit? Or advice on how to stay and cope in your marriage? Or are you just looking for a place to to let off steam and talk to people who understand? Xx

Hi, I need to introduce myself. I have quietly been following these threads for a year and when someone wrote about Cassandra syndrome I googled it and read a description of me and my life.
Something has always felt off with our relationship (of 20 years), but I could never really put my finger on why it wasn't working, why communication didn't do anything to improve anything, why things never change and why I am constantly exhausted and on high alert at the same time. I have also been struggling with chronic health issues all our relationship, which doesn't help.
I also realise that this relationship has been less than ideal for healing.

I have wanted to leave for close to 15 years, but with health issues that have prevented me from working full time and two parents who absolutely did not want to hear about "our relationship issues", I have had nowhere to go and no way to support myself. So I have stayed. At a huge cost. I am just exhausted and don't even know who I am anymore. I have been trying to adapt to my partner for so long.

Since 2023 there has been a glimmer of hope and I can see a way out. I hope that I will be able to get my ducks in a row and move within the next year. It will require a lot of work and planning though and I feel very alone in this. Hope to get some support in this thread.

English isn't my first language and we don't live in the UK. Please ask if I don't express myself properly. I am also terrified of someone recognising me, so I will keep some details vague.

@goldfishbowl2025 Sorry to hear about the situation you are in.

I think my partner has OCD and it has escalated the last few years. I think it's one of the things that made me realise that his behaviour really isn't normal. He has always been the type who checks and double checks that the stove is off, taps are off, windows closed, door looked etc, but I have always found it reassuring that he is careful. I'm the same.

Things have now escalated to checking the doors 20 times before he can relax. He talks to himself and his usual mumbling "phone, wallet, keys" before closing the drawer in the hallway has turned into loud nursery rhymes. "Door LOCKED, door LOCKED, door LOCKED, door LOCKED etc" before he continues with another rhyme for the keys.

When he is stressed, it's like he can't snap out of it.
We had an unpleasant visit from a neighbour this week and after that he was just standing in the hallway, stuck repeating his rhymes forever and ever, until I shouted stop.

Parking the car is a nightmare because he needs to check the windows, close everything down in a special order and if I happen to move or say something, he gets super irritated and has to start over from the beginning. Checking the car from the outside before he is comfortable leaving it takes 10 minutes.

This too is stressing me out and I can't imaging having to live with this for decades.
When he gets home from work, he doesn't acknowledge me and I now know better than to get in his way, because he has do do everything in his own order and I am not included in it. Nor were our pets who were seen as a nuisance when they ran to greet him.