Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

@BustyLaRouxfor now, something has shifted and I’ve realised hes autistic. I’ve put up with this for 22 years the kids are 13 and 10. They adore their dad. They know his habits, they see his OCD @QuaintCatthe mumbling the checking all the time really frustrates me.

Im have also heard of Cassandra from my therapist she recommended the work of Maxine Aston, I’d like to get on one of her workshops.

the stuff I’ve put up with, what I’ve sacrificed. I’m just at the moment so bloody angry.

@QuaintCat that all sounds intolerable to be honest. That’s really quite serious OCD. My dad does the incessant checking of appliances and toilets and has anxiety when he hasn’t done enough checking. He also seems affronted if you suggest going out and he’ll say “of course I can’t go out! The washing machine is on!!” As if this is how everyone operates. But what you describe is waaaay beyond that. The rhymes and the chuntering….obviously this makes him feel safe, but this is beyond irritating appliance and toilet checking before leaving the house. He needs help. And you don’t have to stay with him if you’ve reached the threshold of what you can tolerate. There is no shame in understanding where your boundary lies and removing yourself from a situation which is causing you harm. It doesn’t have to be physical or threatening behaviour for it to be harmful. Living with someone who has obsessive behaviours can also be harmful. This isn’t a healthy environment.

Whatever support you need, we are here for you. If it’s a vent or tips on how to stay sane or emotional
support, or help to leave the marriage, then here is a good place.

Has anyone been to a Cassandra workshop. There is some dispute on line about Maxine Aston, how her research isn’t peer reviewed. That she lacks qualifications. Etc

No I haven’t been to any of her workshops.

But I’d look closely at who is criticising her. I found that many autistic advocates are quick to shut down anyone who dares saying living with someone on the spectrum can be hard work.

following - didnt know there was a new thread!

@BustyLaRoux Thank you, I really appreciate your answer. I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this and it's also difficult to explain to outsiders, so it feels therapeutic to have found these threads.

My partner's escalating OCD and his very rigid habits are really starting to take it's toll on me. He has a set schedule that he can't change when he gets home. It's A-B-C-D-E-F-G and he can't change the order or skip one thing, it can't just be done. I am just in the way and have adapted to his habits and timeline over the years and stay away not to disturb him. As a result we now eat dinner at nine, go to bed at midnight and I wake up sweaty with heartburn because it's too late for me, both dinner and bed time.
Same with weekends. He has a set list of things he needs to do and is mega stressed and irritated about "not getting any time to decompress". I am not included in the list and just have to be a bystander. We obviously don't have a sex life, since everything else is prioritised before that. He doesn't have any energy left and I don't want to feel like another chore on his long list of things that needs to be done before he finally can relax.

Looking back, our relationship feels like he has been the primadonna of the show and I have been the mousy and invisible wardrobe lady/personal assistant/emotional support animal who is there to take care of him, while not having a life of my own. My health and very limited amounts of energy hasn't exactly helped.

I need to change that. I need to carve out a life of my own, even if we are still living together, find my own way and voice and get my affairs in order so I can leave next year.

If you or anybody else has some advice about coping in a difficult situation, or how to get my life back, I would love to hear.

@QuaintCat that sounds awful. It’s not a life. Would you be able to move into a separate bedroom for the time being so that you can work to your own bedtime schedule? Who cooks dinner? If it’s you, I would cook and eat at 7pm (or whatever time suits you) and leave him some leftovers. In as far as you’re able I would detach your life both practically and emotionally as much as you can in preparation for making your exit. Don’t pander to these rigid unhealthy habits anymore. You can’t change him but you don’t have to be held hostage by him either. I know that’s likely easier said than done. But you’re facilitating it by going along with his schedule and routines. Opt to opt out, is my advice, FWIW. Xx

Your idea about stop pandering to his timeline is great advice. I just need the strenght to do it, cause I know that it will cause distress. Will try to come up with a plan.

I have stopped doing his laundry, because I just can't do it anymore, after 20 years. We live in an apartment without a laundry machine, but there is a laundry room that we can book in the basement. He now books it to "do his laundry", that is his clothes. Everything else - bedding, towels, tea towels, bathroom mats, cleaning rags, pillows, sofa covers, duvets - is apparently "my laundry", since he won't do it.
I just have to put up with that if I don't want to live in squalor, but I have cleaned my last pair of male underwear ever. Small victory.

We live in a tiny flat that I bought before I met him and our living situation is part of the problem. He agreed that we could live here until he had finished university. Then we planned to live here for another couple of years, before moving to a different area of the country, his home area, and buy a house. None of that has happened. We are still in my tiny "first apartment" and he is still working in his entry level job that he got after graduating from a very prestigious school.
I learned the expression future faking here on MN and that's just what he have been doing. I can take the first 8-10 years, but it feels like I have been robbed of a decade of my life and I am desperatly trying not to get bitter about it. Still angry as h*ll that he has been stringing me along all of these years and I have nothing to show for it. Sadly no extra bedroom that I can flee to.

Gosh yes, you need to re-find your voice which is hard! Your DH feels he ‘needs’ things this way and he will be shooting some powerful verbal and non-verbal signals at you that will be hard to resist.

Consider writing him a note? ‘Our current dinner time is giving me indigestion. I’ll cook my own dinner for 7pm and you can cook your own dinner at your preferred time. Or, if wish to eat with me at 7pm let me know this afternoon’ and see what happens? I find written communication helpful as it can be made very clear and concrete. ‘Grey rock’ (ignore) any reactions that are not communicated reasonably.

One of the hardest things for me has been ‘future faking’. Masking and promising the world. Then having this tiny life without either of us understanding what’s happened. It’s genuinely sad 😭

Hi @QuaintCata couple of years back I was in therapy and my then Psycologist could not believe the control my DH held, I was slowly breaking away under it until I started calling it out. Yes it gets disruptive for him but I’ve adapted and contorted myself so much I realised I can’t keep doing it. I recall he used to tell
me when to go to bed and get very angry if I didn’t even one time coming down and shouting at me. I thought I was in the wrong - now he won’t do that since I said you can’t tell me when to go to sleep. At night he has his ABC routine too before bed and if one step goes wrong he has to start again!!!

I feel like this that our lives could be so much more - or mine certainly could be jf he wasn’t so rigid and because of his rigidity I’ve started getting anxiety!

I think that what would work best is to cook for myself and have dinner when I want to, around six, and send him a text that I have had dinner, so he can sort something for himself. I actually think that he would love it.

The best thing that could happen to him is to just be "allowed" to buy takeout food on his way home from work every evening, or order it online to have it delivered, have it at exactly the time that suits him, after he has done his A-B-C-D-E-F-G evening routine, without any annoying woman interfering.
He can then watch tv and eat food from a box and has no dirty plates to clean. This is what he has wanted all the time, it's just that he has a nagging partner that wants to sit down and have a homecooked meal and a glass of wine and talk to her partner after work.

I think that I will allow him to do that all the time from now on and I will get my own food. It's not much of a relationship to live like this, but at least I can get some of my autonomy back.

I'm so sorry that you too have to deal with that. It's hard to understand that level of deception - actually lying to your partner for years and decades and feeling content that we fall for it. I feel like a complete mug and hate myself, but that doesn't really help.

@QuaintCatjust to clarify are you in the UK? Is he only your partner because if you’re in the Uk and you own the flat, then off he pops he has no rights and you can get him to leave. I’m sorry I’m aware that sounds brutal but really you are not living, you are existing, and that needs to change. As others have said try and carve out what you can for you if you’re living somewhere where he has a right to remain in your property.

It sounds just like my partner, the A-B-C SYNTAX ERROR!!! if he is interrupted. I think that women are conditioned to play along and it's not really a problem to begin with, everybody has quirks and things we want done a particular way. Over time though, we become like well trained dogs, with no will of our own and I can't even remember what I like anymore.

No, not in the UK, but the laws are similar here. He has no rights to my apartment. My main issue now is work, so I can't ask him to leave. It's one of the things I need to deal with this year, before I can ask him to leave, sell this apartment and move.

I have been struggling with chronic health issues and have had very limited amounts of energy. And that energy has been used to keep the household going ok-ish, so my partner can live like a teenager for fifteen years.
I have explained, discussed, pleaded, yelled and screamed, cried that he needs to pull his weight so I have energy left for my work, I can't do both. Every time he has promised that tings will change, but they never have and here we are.

Can you afford to live without him? If so get rid of him. I can pretty much guarantee you will find the energy you need when it is only you. He is an emotional and energy vampire, his mere existence sucks everything from you, all your energy and all your joy. The house will be much more bearable, even if a little messy, without him in it.
If you can’t afford to live without him right now then cease doing anything for him, go grey rock, stop engaging, let him crack on by himself but take a massive step back and protect your own well being.

Not right now. I need to get back to work and have a decent income before I can move on.

So I’ve sat down and looked at everything. I think the next good break point is in 4 years time. That sounds long, but I actually think it’s a good timeline. He can have his therapy, we can have a go at couples counselling. I can get loads of practical things in place so that if we split I have the financial fire power to do it. At the same time it’s one last opportunity to see if things can work - one more diagnosis, one more go around of time and trying.

I’ve realised that words don’t work and started changing my behaviour to put in some boundaries. His emotional regulation is his business, I’m not responsible for his feelings. I’m already benefitting from the changes I’ve made previously. I’m middle aged now, I’m halfway through my life if I’m lucky! It’s a privilege to grow old. I need to start enjoying every day.

That sounds like a sensible plan, if you think you can detach yourself enough to not get to affected during the 4 years. Could you have a plan B if it fells like 4 years suddenly becomes too much?

Well done @NoviceVillager.

Two big steps forward here. Recognising that you aren’t responsible for someone else’s feelings and that you have put boundaries in place. That will free you up to enjoy your own life.

Maybe make a promise to yourself that you will plan one very (very) nice thing to do a month, just for you. Doesn’t have to cost very much. Even a lovely walk with your favourite sandwich can feel like a treat when you aren’t constantly accommodating others. It then becomes a habit…to put your needs first.

I’ve realised that words don’t work and started changing my behaviour to put in some boundaries. His emotional regulation is his business, I’m not responsible for his feelings. I’m already benefitting from the changes I’ve made previously. I’m middle aged now, I’m halfway through my life if I’m lucky! It’s a privilege to grow old. I need to start enjoying every day.

I agree there. Actions, change in behaviours, boundaries, THAT is having an impact.
Ive found dh only learns through natural consequences. I can talk, tell him I dint like xyz etc… Nothing changes. Put boundaries, walk away, let him fail, that works. It’s like he needs to feel the consequences are uncomfortable for him act 😵‍💫😵‍💫

🎉🎉 at enjoying life.
I think this is one thing that has bugged me a lot. It’s like his anger, his struggle, his lack of emotions/emotional expression means I’m not ‘allowed’ to be happy and relaxed around him. Its dragging me down.
So yes, enjoy life!

Maybe we could also share the nice, inexpensive things we have done for ourselves. We can share each others joy.

Who knew that @BustyLaRoux pink kettle would make us all so happy 💕

I went for a cycle through the corn fields, and enjoyed that beautiful golden evening light against the big blue sky and open horizon ☺️. And saw a grasshopper!