Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

How lovely @NoviceVillager. I love the evening sun ☀️

Went for a run in the early morning sunshine the other day and it made me so happy!

Chatted to my bro on the phone for a bit.

Had an alcohol free gin and tonic in the garden. Made it fancy with ice and lime and pomegranate!

Watched a funny old series on TV with my DS which made us both laugh out loud.

All free things or relatively cheap which have put a smile on my face this week. That bike ride in the evening sun sounds glorious @NoviceVillager!

I had to go to London for an evening event but got a cheap train which arrived in the afternoon. I ended up listening to a really good choir rehearsing in a beautiful church. And then I sat among the flowers in Regents Park.

I’m staying at my parents this week. It’s not helping.

@SpecialMangeTout3 i can understand it not helping, I really can. Is there anywhere else you can stay for a few days to get your head together? Unmumsnetty hugs for you x

Sorry it's not helping 🫂 What can you do to make it more manageable? Can you take yourself to a room and read or do some writing or something to get a mental break?

Hi, I've been following for some time but would really appreciate your advice. My exh is nd, we share 50/50 officially but they are with me more as I work PT so can be there for my teens and can be flexible when needed. My eldest is looking at unis and her dad has said he isn't happy for her to go, so she is now looking at alternative courses closer to home. I want to be supportive and I am encouraging her to follow her dream of uni subject, she isn't responsible for her dad. I'm trying to encourage her to live her life, not his whilst trying to remain positive and not be rude about him, even though i want to scream what a selfish tosser he is from the rooftops. Have any of you got any supportive advice at all?

@booyaka54321 what's his reasoning for not wanting her to go?

@Cleanthecoffeemachinehe will miss her

Oh I see. Well that's not a valid reason is it 😂.
It's not on your daughter to manage her father's emotions. Is he expecting her to live nearby forever?
My own eldest is currently on the opposite side of the world for a year as part of her degree. Of course we miss her but she's having the time of her life and I'm so happy for her, and in awe of her bravery out there living a life her Dad and I never would have dreamt of.
Of course it's hard when your child leaves home but but that's part of them growing up.
What's your relationship with ExH like, can you talk to him and make him realise he's going to have to sit with these emotions at some point? Or is there someone else who could?

My ex relationship is ok and I have discussed this but he won't listen and doesn't agree that he should keep those thoughts to himself. She knows what her dad is like but also doesn't want to upset him

I guess I've just got to accept its a different point of view and reiterate her doing what she wants

Why can't I just tell H that this isn't working and I want to separate? Had decided I was going to do it this weekend just gone but couldn't find the opportunity or the courage!

We had previously agreed we'd try a communication book, it lay unused for ages but after the car door incident I picked up the courage to write in it. Saying, in the kindest possible way, that I needed space and that we needed to ensure DD grows up in a healthy environment (hoping that this would lead to a conversation when I could then tell him I want to separate). I then told him that I'd written in the book, he didn't read it. Two weeks later, I mentioned it, and he said he'd read it. He didn't. I wrote again last week, more of a continuation of what I'd written before and basically saying that this isn't working for me. The entries in the book remain unread.

Part of me knows he is likely putting his head in the sand, but the other part is now getting a bit miffed that I can't get my voice heard.

We had an 'almost' conversation last week after he decided to book himself a GP appointment to try and get on an ASD/ADHD diagnosis pathway. 'To make me happy' he said, I wanted to say it's too late now (he said he would after I took him back last year) but instead gently told him that although that is great, if he is doing it for himself, I am not asking him to do that as some sort of ultimatum. I did again try to explain how maybe we just aren't compatible and that our ND types clash and it's not healthy for me or him and most importantly not for DD. But that I'm not blaming him or putting it on him. He seemed to listen but then the next day it's like the conversation never happened.

I'm going to have to be blunt I think. Took me so long to tell him last time it seems almost impossible now!

One day, you’ll say it @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore It can only bubble under the surface for so long.

When I said it, I exploded, ‘discussed’ it in the middle of the park away from the kids. Not planned, just one day, enough was enough.

I suspect this is where I'm heading, having a calm sit down conversation just doesn't seem to be the way. DD is almost always around too or within ear shot.

I've name changed, as my DH knows I use Mumsnet. Long-time lurker on this thread, and in fact it's all of you who've helped confirm the obvious - that my DH is autistic (weirdly, I didn't realise until recently, even though so many other members of his family have ASD).

I'm so grateful to you all, as I used to think I was the problem. My DH always told me I was. Because if I could only be exactly how he wants me to be, there would be no issues.

We're at the stage where I'm thinking I'd like to get my ducks in a row, in case I do need to leave at some point. But I'd also like to work on things, as I would never leave until the children have finished school, which is a few years away.

I started documenting things properly about a year ago, because it's hard to remember how batshit crazy some of our arguments are, if I don't write them down straight away. I don't want to derail the thread by jumping in and sharing how awful some of it is, but I hope it's ok if I hang out here. I've been so inspired by pink kettle, although as it stands we can't afford to live separately. I'm working on that, but the cost of living is making it harder.

Do you think it's realistic to have two strands to your plans for the future, and work on both of them? (Plan A: Work hard on our relationship and stay together. Plan B: Get my ducks in a row.)

BTW, I really get where you're at @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. And it's not just you - a communication book didn't work for us either.

I think it's very realistic, @EmotionalSupportHuman. You're simply making a backup plan in case the first one doesn't work. Preparing for B whilst hoping A might work.

I think I’m in a similar place, @EmotionalSupportHuman

It sounds like a sensible plan @EmotionalSupportHuman and it might help you keep your mind clear focused on the end goal. Working on the relationship might benefit the children too, regardless of how it pans out.

I often feel like I'm an emotional support human to H.

Yes, the communication book sounded like a good idea at first as I really struggle to verbalise my thoughts around the marriage. H always talks me around somehow and I am too much of a people pleaser to upset him so emd up not saying what I really want to say.

@Bluebellforest1 @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore thank you.
im going away with the dcs tomorrow for a couple of days. That was planned and sorely needed.

Parents aren’t ND. But they’re both immature and have childhood trauma/c-PTSD that seem to get worse rather than better. So we have the whole unable to hear, gaslighting, minimising, woe is me etc etc… on the top of sexist/racist/very ‘conservative’ ideas (think Trump has some good ideas) flying around. It’s the reason why I don’t stay very long with them. But this year seems to be even worse.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore im the same re finding it so hard to tell dh.
I know it will all come out suddenly. A nice calm conversation is a nice plan but not always feasible.

@EmotionalSupportHuman sounds like a great idea.
Not the least because if you end up with plan B and separate, hopefully plan A will have helped build some good foundations for co parenting.

Hope you have a lovely time with your DC 🫂

I remember correctly, we've both read Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents?

My parents are both likely ND but my DF is also emotionally immature (something which is not making the situation around his frail health any easier!) And my DM suffered trauma in childhood and although I feel she did her bery best to be a mature parent, it's affected me quite a bit. My H had a very emotionally immature DF, who although absolutely lovely and charming in some ways, threw tantrums like a 5 year old quite frequently! Definitely affected H who acts very similar.

I suspect it will just come out from me too, H and I had a lot of nice sit down conversations about our issues but it never leads to anything so I will need to just be blunt when the time comes.

Keep finding excuses for postponing it, Father's Day, relative visiting the other weekend, heatwave (because we were all enjoying the pool and didn't want to spoil it for DD). Yet, if I leave it until the end of the summer, again, it then spoils several birthdays!

I found that it doesn’t spoil anything. Lack of emotional connection makes it all very black and white. I was surprised… but then again not. If anything, makes it all alot easier.

Wondering if this is a thing for any of you too… After the angry, aggressive outbursts, DH will sometimes agree that he needs to work on his anger, but he says I need to work on the way I speak to him (my tone of voice is off).

The thing is, I’m in perimenopause, and he does the most ridiculous things, so sometimes I probably do speak to him like he’s an idiot, which I know isn’t great. The only way to prevent this is to never pull him up on any of his shitty behaviour, which is mostly what I try to do.

But then at a certain PMT point in the month, or if I’m particularly tired or grumpy, I’ll forget and ask him if he’s fixed a thing around the house, which he’ll then experience as aggressive criticism.

If I ask two or three of those questions in one day it will trigger a meltdown, aimed at me. Have any of you found a way to consistently remember to make zero demands on your DH?