I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Previously I was always given the silent treatment. It would go:
Me -> bring up wanting to change location
Him -> fly off the handle
Him -> silent treat me

The only way to break it in the past would have been for me to leave it for a few days and then cajole him out of it, which obviously isn't possible for me to do now

@PinkImbrella he really future faked you, I'm sorry. It sounds like his nice side kept you holding on and gaslighting you to think it wasn't him being unreasonable, it was you pushing, etc. Who knows what he really wants, but god knows you are much better off on your own for now. Spread your wings and fly sista! 💛

Bless you. I would too I'm in Somerset.

Re his behaviour - they do that. Mr Nasty is a classic behaviour from men who've heard the word No. Rummaging about in the background trying to undermine you, lying, changing the truth. He future faked and lied to you for eight years, after all, so that's part of who he is. And the silent treatment is also a classic abusive manipulative behaviour.

I wonder how old his mother is? Also - might they be Italian?

Good luck to any future girlfriend ...

Wherever you are, make building your network in your new city your priority. Join things, get out, do things, throw yourself into your new job, say yes to opportunities.

All the very best to you in your new life here. 🤗

When you are much older and you look back over the years, you will appreciate that the good times always count for something. Rest easy, the total of years lost to something that was actually wrong for you, should always be fractional compared to the years spent gained for the good.
This period that you are leaving wont count in time, you wont remember his face! But he taught you a valuable lesson, how to recognise when you are being duped, how to react to a relationship that stops working, and how to move on....
These are valuable lessons, the stuff that money cant buy, but paramount to all of that .... refuse to put yourself in a position where you are so 'out in the cold' ever again!
Settle wisely, be independent and protect your assets jealously.

This is the advice I gave my son when he ended up homeless after his break up. He took my advice and bought his new home, on his own.
Allow no one to pay your bills, that gives them rights over the property.
Invite no one to live there without a binding rental agreement.
Invited guests are the devil to evict!

Thank you for your precious advice. I cant wait to buy my own place, I'm aiming for next summer 🙏

I find the whole telling his friends and family not to contact me thing baffling, because I never got on with any of them in the first place, so why would he need to?

In fact that's another lesson I've learnt: I'm actually a very sociable person who likes people. It always felt "wrong" that I found it so difficult to create bonds or even just appreciate his friends and family. Going forward, when I meet someone new at some point (hopefully?!) it will be important to me to have somebody whose circle I actually like spending time with.

Furniture: cant you ask your landlord yo remove some items so you can have the pieces you love there?
Or spare a room and fill it with your stuff/storage. You will kniw its safe and save fees!

8 years is a lot of not nowing, make sure it doesn’t become 8 years and a day.

I did the same. Married a man who said he wanted exactly the life I wanted. Two children later he decided that ' he wanted to do what he wanted, when he wanted and he couldn't do that with children ' so he left us for a 17 year old from work. We were both 30. I remarried at 38 to a man who really did want exactly what I wanted and I'm having a brilliant life. I'm 60 next week. We've been together for 24 years . My exhusband conned the 17 year old for years ( she is now bringing up their teenage daughter alone), embezzled a million pounds, left her, set up home with a third woman ( he conned her and lied and lied and lied) and when he ran out of lies to tell he committed suicide. You can't get the time back but you can create a wonderful life in the future. My second husband was widowed at 38. They didn't have children because his wife was diagnosed with cancer shortly after they met and the whole marriage was consumed by dealing with the disease and keeping her alive for as long as possible. He thought his life was finished when she died but he gradually rebuilt and he is a fabulous extra dad to my children and the grandchildren absolutely adore him. You have time and health and hope. The 8 years have happened. No experience is ever wasted and you will have learned an awful lot about yourself. You know the life you want. Go out there and make it. " The past is for reference, we don't live there".

"I went from being in a warm long term relationship"

It was warm as long as this future-faking creep got what he wanted from you. Now he's busily rewriting the narrative to (i) punish you with social ostracism and (ii) to make him feel like the victim.

Don't waste any more emotional energy or thinking time on this loser. Go and live your best life!

I wish we were taught as kids "if it's not a yes, if there's no meaningful action, it's a no".

It's not your fault OP. You are a wonderful, patient and adaptable partner. Leave this disrespectful scrote, go live your life and have a wonderful time. There's much still to look forward to lovely x

Aw thank you for the update, i am so pleased you are happy with your storage solution and have decided upon the items you have chosen to store.

It's the 6th now and you say the 19th - so 13 days to count down, it may probably drag but it's not even one month since you started this thread tho it must feel much longer. You have achieved so much in a short period of time.

How much does he know of your plans and the dates involved ?

What a great statement. You're right, it should be taught to people at an early age.

Yes it is starting to drag alright!

Last week I asked hom whether he had given in the notice i had signed and prepared right after our restaurant talk.
He said "no i will give it in on the 1st of July as most of the places I can rent start from the 1st".

I thought his selfishness was fucking breathtaking? "Places I can rent...."

So you're happy to extend the time I spend hanging around a place you know i hate while not talking to me? Because it suits YOUR living arrangements? If you needed a place to tide you over in a two week interim, why didn't you just crash at your fucking mummy's? 😅 Sorry, as you can see ive entered my angry stage.

The point is I dont care, im not paying the last month's rent. He hasn't inquired after my plans, so I havent told him. I know him though: when I spring it to him on the 15th or whatever, he's going to act completely shocked.

He must know I won't be hanging around for too long though as ive sold some big bits of mine i dont want to keep, and i have form for quickly springing into action.

OP, can I make a suggestion that might be shot down in flames?

Try to walk away with the minimum of antagonism between you. I totally understand how your frustration has reached a peak and you are acting fast. But he, however wrongly, has had eight years of thinking you'd both bob along together living as he wanted and he is suddenly, rapidly, bewilderingly learning this won't happen. Of course he is not reacting well. That's understandable. You are both hurt and angry and discombobulated. But there doesn't need to be blame. It didn't work out. The whole eight years were not bad or a waste of time. You were often happy in the moment, you said, and there's a hell of a lot to be said for that. He just didn't honour your plans for the future and that future, for you, has arrived.

I think you will feel better if you leave with good grace. However rude or obnoxious he is, you will feel better if you are kind to him and say you had some lovely times and that's why you stayed for so long, but you always wanted to live elsewhere and it was clear this couldn't ever be resolved. Try and part on good terms.

There is some really distasteful glee on MN at other people's break-ups. Don't be stoked by it. He's upset. You're upset. You are both coping with a big change after eight years. He's not compromising for you, and you are not compromising for him. This is understandable and foreseeable. No need to add the fuel of blame to his behaviour. Just get out as calmly as possible and try to honour the good times in some way before you leave.

I think the reality will only come home to him on his mother's death. When he realises what he's missed out on.

Though he may of course find himself a meek ambition-free partner content to shut up, shove up and put up with a mummy's boy forever preserved in adolescence.

That was never going to be you, though, was it - and you're doing the right thing. Neither of you can give what the other wants.

Trouble is he ASSUMED. That what he wanted you'd hand over. His behaviour now is his bewilderment that a woman has said no to him. Don't talk to the nasty lady because she might tell you the truth.

I agree, stay amicable and businesslike in your dealings with him.

'We don't want the same things in life. Thankyou for the good times, best of luck for the future - and my future is going to be different.' would be the best approach. Stay civil, civilised, controlled. Even if / especially if he doesn't.

Once you're out he'll be going all out to control the narrative, create a story for everyone including him. They'll want to believe it. Let them. They're the past.

Well done.

He going to wait, and continue giving you the silent treatment until you crack and capitulate, and start trying to cajole him round.

He's got a long wait coming.😂

I completely agree with you and I have been trying to keep it graceful and affectionate but thats not how he wants to play it.

I also dont see it as neither of us wanting to compromise.
I lived in his shit hole for 8 years so he could be near his mum. I call that a sacrifice.
The compromise would have been for us to move to the city thats a 40 minute drive away. But he wouldn't do that

The way he’s treating you, he doesn’t deserve to know when you’re leaving imo.

Try and keep busy and keep it cordial when you have to speak to him.

No need for a postmortem. You know the whole thing with him (and his family which is important in my book) would never be right in a million years.

Keep safe, as it sounds like he could have a bit of a temper, when you do actually move out.

You ARE so young, and you’ve got the whole world ahead of you and waiting for you.

He can tell people whatever tale he wants. Most people will realise he’s just tied to his mum’s apron strings.

@PinkImbrella

Just read your recents posts.

The reason for him having his family 'cut you out' is so you don't have a chance to reply to the lies he's telling about you or tell them the actual truth. It's good that his cousin told you what's going on. I hope she keeps in touch with you and keeps you informed, at least until after you've gone. After that, it will be up to you to continue the friendship or not.

The reason for the silent treatment and any other nasty thing he does is because you no longer matter. Because you are no longer facilitating his life you no longer serve a purpose and so do not deserve any consideration at all. I've found that a lot of men can do this. Once you tell them you're 'done' any love for you usually disappears because that love was based on what you provided for them. For other men it's just that they have to shut their love away in a locked box and the only way to cope is to turn nasty. But for either type, the life and relationship you had before now mean nothing.

As far as him not putting in the notice to quit, don't let that stop you from anything. In fact, let it speed you up, if possible. And remember that you won't get one bit of help from him in anything that will make the move easier on you.

And keep your plans under your hat. There's nothing he needs to know before it actually happens.

Thank you Pond, I know you're right.

I'm feeling very low this evening. It's like all the moving preparations were a whirlwind and now everything is sorted I'm just left feeling hollow and drained.

I'm so upset that I clearly wasn't worth such a small move from him.
Im really upset that someone who I was so close to for all these years has just slammed the door down. We were really close. He would be the first person I would tell things to.

I know there's no helping this right now and I just have to wait it out. Its because its been a month now and other than that trip back to sort out a new place, ive basically lived in solitary confinement. I just have to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and tell myself its just 13 days to go.

Im so sad it had to end this way, i had hoped (and tried) to make it gentle. I dont believe that a month on, his reason for being so cold with me is because he's hurting. I think he's doing it as a defence mechanism, like its easier for him to move on if he pretends im worthless to him. I would have hoped he would have more empathy - im still trying to. I still cook our meals (that was "my" domain, he did the cleaning). Three nights ago we actually had sex, it seemed a good idea at the time but I just felt like crying.

Sorry I sound like a broken record 😅 I feel isolated and drained, and tomorrow morning I have an interview for a potentially gamechanging work thing - havent done any research whatsoever for it.

@AcrossthePond55
For other men it's just that they have to shut their love away in a locked box and the only way to cope is to turn nasty

Yes, its this. I understand it but I still think its fucking pathetic.

The sex was to get you back on side. Back in your place.... under his will
All it did was hurt you more....

Stop! You are literally tying the blindfold and standing for the firing squad!

From now on, Be A Moving Target
He's not that good a shot!

Ps Ive done the breakup sex thing.
It comes under : 'abandoned all hope, ye who enter here' and it only works when you actually do abandon your stance.

Be strong my love. By the tkme you read this its probably all over anyway, but know that where ever you are, the posters on here have you on their hearts.

The saying that I remember every time im going thru hell is (and ive done more trips than I wanted I can tell you)

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Know this Truth when you reach your destination, look back and KNOW that All Things Pass. Even the wonderful stuff!