I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

@PinkImbrella

When you look at these 'shitholes' remember that each one of them holds two very important things that your 'nice' home never will; peace and independence. And you can't put a price on those because they are priceless. Remember also, these are just the 'first steps' to allow you to decompress and start your future.

And you won't always be living in a house share or a 'shithole'. As your future unfolds it will be 'upwards and onwards'. You don't know what life has in store for you other than it will be better for you than what you left behind.

Feeling down is normal. No one can hold anger 24/7, we'd explode. The best thing you can do is acknowledge the 'sad' and let it just roll over you. Shed the tears and feel the feeling, it'll be gone sooner than if you try to stifle it.

If you think it would help, write down your story. Write in your own handwriting (not typed) how he lied and how much you gave up due to his lies. Write also how you are now triumphing over that situation. Then, when you feel the need, read it to yourself. Not over and over to 'wallow', just when you need a reminder of why you left.

It's still early days. The sadness will fade and finally disappear leaving you happier and full of wisdom.

Run fast and run far, best 💜

@PinkImbrella

If you have any problems finding somewhere to live that accepts pets - I will look after your cat until you find some where decent that allows pets.
That's assuming you are returning to England.

and I feel that other cat owners here would offer too if they were aware.

That is so unbelievably kind of you, thank you 🥹
Luckily I have options in that regard, I'm going to see a place today that seems promising.
Last night I went to an activity with a friend which led to me discovering an opportunity to get involved in a great project thats tied to one of my interests.
This is what I've been missing...opportunities to be fulfilled

Yesterday like a complete fool I messaged him: "I miss you 😭". He replied hours later with just a "😥" reaction. I understand: he's trying to keep that distance between us to make it easier to go our separate ways, in a way he is showing healthier boundaries than me.

In fact maybe all along I have been the fucked up one. Hes known what is best for him from the start, and hasn't budged from it. Ive been the one lurching around in the dark completely neglecting my own needs.

You’re not an idiot all for telling him how you feel - you’ve got nothing to prove or lose. It’s not a one up man ship game here - you’ve just ended a very long term relationship because you’ve realised staying with him will mean sacrificing your own needs and happiness. That doesn’t mean your ‘old’ life didn’t have happy elements to it that you are mourning, and it doesn’t mean your love for him or his for you has been turned off over night.

It sounds like you’ve had a foggy dream of what you’d like in life, now you’re exploring that dream and seeing how to bring it to life in reality. You’ll find I’m sure aspects of it are not a great as you’d hoped, but other elements are exactly what you were missing. Or you may find that the dream isn’t worth what you gave up - who knows, but you can’t know that without trying. You’re very brave, and this will be a hard journey but you just have to keep going.

Just to say I think maybe to some extent you’re mourning what your old life could’ve been but wasn’t. Wherever you start in this new city, remember it is just a starting point and it will take time to build a new life. I am cheering you on! All the best x

Many years ago I split with my ex. His decision 100%. We had been together for 7 years.

In the following months he seemed to possibly struggle more than me.

After that amount of time you miss the familiarity, the camaraderie, the easiness that comes from the years of life you’ve shared.

It doesn’t matter if you were the one to instigate the split or not. There’s still a loss to be processed, a grieving period where that person no longer occupies a space in your life.

It doesn’t mean it’s wrong to split. You are a human with emotions, and they’re not always logical.

You will miss him at times. Acknowledge that and when the feeling comes, let it wash over you and pass. Remember how unhappy you felt stuck somewhere that only made him happy, not you. Remember how it felt when his mum was vile to you and he never stopped her. No matter how sad you feel at times, moving on is better than living with all of that.

As you build your new life it will slowly get easier to look forward rather than back. And then one day, you’ll suddenly realise that you don’t miss him or his sulking at all.

Keep busy and reconnect with friends that you enjoy spending time with. Feed your spirit with the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with things that make you feel joyful.

Every time you miss him remind yourself “this too will pass.” 💐

In your position, I'd look for somewhere temporary. Maybe a room as a lodger in a nicely decorated house in a good area would be cheaper than a rental tenancy. Or see if you can sign up as a long-term house sitter in the area you want to be in. Just for a few months while you find your feet and decide what to do next.

You know, you really don't need to look for someone to blame. You have recognised your own priorities and needs and they no longer fit with what your relationship offered. It's fine to move on without fault-finding.

Even if he didn't have this creepy mother and he would move you've said he's always broke. You couldn't raise DC with a man who's always broke.

You have a fantastic life ahead of you. You may feel you've wasted 8 years but you are not wasting anymore. My DF used to always say it's not where you are that's important, it's where you are going. And you are on the up!

Thanks so much for your kind words all ❣️

The place I saw today is perfect for me, so I'm taking it.

I also got a surprise message from someone offering me a very interesting work opportunity.

Life is really looking up!

That's brilliant news !

Is it now just a case of waiting on dcat's dates to be sorted and you are off ?

@PinkImbrella

You are NOT 'fucked up'. You simply did what 1000s of women have done before you and 1000s will do after you. You didn't put yourself first. That simply makes you the same as the rest of us who have been societally conditioned to be 'nice', to 'think of others, dear'. And don't let's forget society's need to have everyone 'coupled up'. This is changing, I think, but many of us are not 'there' yet. So just think of yourself as becoming wiser.

Yes, life really is looking up for you. And it's all through your own efforts and courage. Well done, you!!!

It sounds like you have come up trumps.
I was you. I stayed. I wish I had gone home…

This old adage seems appropriate …”When one doors closes another door opens”

I'm so glad things are looking up for you, and you've found a lovely new home.

This!

You know OP houses are like men, especially rentals - it only takes one , and sometimes you have to look at quite a lot of unsuitable stuff, before finding one that’s right

Just checking in to say after a great week here, I'm heading back today :-/
Ive got the keys to my new place all ready for when I make the move next month.

I cant decide what to do with all my furniture. My new place is furnished. Part of me thinks I should just leave him it, and in exchange not pay my last month's rent. The other part of me is actually quite attached to some of that stuff, and i would like to buy a house next summer. Should I put it in storage, or sell it, or leave it for him?

Since I've been away his messages have been curt. He asked after a family member I went to see. But no outpouring of feeling or anything. Its probably for the best. When I get back (nearly said "home"), im expecting him to be very distant, but enough time has passed now for me to interpret this not as him giving me the silent treatment, but as him just putting the distance between us as I am now clearly his ex. I can accept the distance now. It was just in the week following our conversation, I was expecting there to be more talk as we eased away from each other. I didn't expect that after 8 years of a live-in relationship, the door would slam shut overnight so violently. I dont know what is normal, and i suppose it doesn't matter now.

Im going to have to get through the next 3 weeks by focusing on my work and preparing for the move. Ive booked two days away in the middle of it just to break it up a little.

' part of me is actually quite attached to some of that stuff, and i would like to buy a house next summer.'
Should I put it in storage, or sell it, or leave it for him?'

store what you believe you are attached to - but remember storage is going to cost you every month

selling some would assist towards the storage costs

you don't owe him anything, and i think he would now quite like you gone asap so don't worry about paying future rent - his mother can help out !

thus leave him what won't sell / you're not attached to, if anything

if he moves in with mother he probably won't want it ?

How much furniture are we talking about that you're actually 'attached to' here? A couple of random pieces or a whole bedroom or living room suite of furniture?

I think I'd figure the cost of moving it and the cost of storing it for a year. Then I'd figure how much it'd cost to replace it. Sometimes when you see the 'pounds and pence' written down it can lessen your attachment.

Or do you have friends/family that might get use out of them for a while in lieu of storage? That can be tricky as they'd have to understand that you are 'lending' them until you buy a place.

As far as giving them to him, hell no. I'd sell them first.

Hello @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon and @AcrossthePond55 !

I thought I would update you. I found an extremely cheap storage place (way cheaper than in the UK) that also does removals. So they will come and pick.up some of my stuff, and the other good thing is they deliver across Europe too, so once I'm in a position to have my things back, I will just be able to call them up.

Ive only kept my couch and a few things I inherited like my grans insane crockery collection 😆 Also my desk which is huge and really nice.

On Wednesday I'm going away for two nights. And then on the 19th im moving out for good.

Unbelievably, he's still not talking to me.

I forgot to tell you what happened on the day I got back after my trip to find a place to live: his lovely cousin called me (literally the only person in his family who I ever connected with).
It emerges he's going around saying that its nothing to do with prioritising his mother as "I am claiming", and everything to do with the fact that im unstable and change idea of where I want to live every 5 seconds. He also wants nobody in his friends or family to contact me (which his cousin clearly ignored) and plans on blocking me from everything once we've parted ways.
He apparently told his cousin about blanking me. His cousin said something along the lines of "wow, I dont know how you're managing to do that, quite harsh especially as she has to organise moving country?" and he said "not my problem".

The most confusing thing about all this for me is how I went from being in a warm long term relationship to being completely frozen out over night. I could understand if its because I'd cheated, or lied in some way. But it just feels really excessive??!

@PinkImbrella has he never shown any signs of being an utter freak before now? Nothing??? 🤔
He sounds like he's missing something important in his head. Wishing you luck!