I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

@PinkImbrella

At this point it doesn't really matter why he's doing it. He just is.

I know it's hard, but try to let his 'why he's being nasty' go and focus on your 'why you're leaving'. You'll never know for sure his motivation, but you know for sure yours.

I have an interview for a potentially gamechanging work thing - havent done any research whatsoever for it.

So...focus on that. You know and I believe that you have great ability to channel your energy and your mind and focus it on positive change. And that's what this would be. I hate to put a 'winner/loser' spin on it, but don't let his behaviour 'defeat you'. Take a deep breath and start that research. If it's feasible, set a timer for 15 minutes worth of 'focus'. Force yourself. I'll bet once you start you'll continue. If you have to, keep setting those timers!

Everything you do from now on, let it be for YOU!

Narcissistic and sociopathic man baby.
Who needs that.
Spending the rest of your life nappying and burping a moron is no bodies idea of fun

Move on love. You wont realise just how lucky an escape this is till you meet the right/true one

Just be careful, so often people fall for what they know... and end up with the clone of the one they ditched.

Steady does it. No rush. No stress, just be yourself.

And my final word... promise 🤫
You propper p!ssed him off. He thought he could blind side you forever. That's why he's sulking and he doesn't want ANYONE to know what a pratt he is. Hence the back off orders.

Be free

So small update. I've gone away for two days just to get some space.

He's texted me:
"I don't know what your plans are, but maybe we can talk about X. On the eastern side."

X = the city 50 km away i spent years trying to get him to move to
The eastern side = the closest side to the motorway that leads to his mum

To clarify: this city that's closest to him is not the option I put on the table during our bust up last month. Although I campaigned hard for tje city near him for years, I kind of feel like now that option has been...sullied?

Are you seriously considering it? It's not even a genuine offer from him. It's a stall.

@PinkImbrella now? After stonewalling you, being horrible, telling his family x y and z, you’ve got a new place sorted and NOW he holds out an olive twiglet?? As the pp said - it’s a delaying tactic. Too little, too late.

Olive twiglet 😂

I agree, its too little too late. That city near him... Its meh. In a good relationship, moving there early on is a compromise I was.always willing to make. But im not prepared to have spent all these years fighting for basically an underwhelming compromise that isnt really one. It really is too late for that now.

What do you mean by stalling tactic though?

Relationships end all the time. This one clearly has. It’s just time to move on now. There is more out there in the world for you. You are not tied to him in any way so at least it’s a clean break. Close the door, take time to find yourself again and then move on.

I was just reading your updates and was about to say I was in a similar situation many years back. It’s even more fitting given the latest update. My ex boyfriend refused to move out of London. We neither had family there and were stuck in the rental trap despite earning well but he just REFUSED to inconvenience his life even slightly in anyway. I put up with it and put up with it. I would send links to areas on the outskirts I’d be prepared to live in despite not particularly liking but having a chance at least to buy a home together. It went on for years. Finally I ended it, told him I was moving closer to my parents where I grew up, and within days of him realising I was serious and it was happening he was suddenly a new man willing to move. I stupidly accepted this because technically I had got what I’d wanted for years….but like you say having to beg, plead, cry, give up so much for so long, and eventually get to the point of being ready to move on for that someone who is supposed to want to build a life with you to suddenly do a 180 completely tarnishes it all.
We moved out of London. I spent two more years trying to ignore the cracks that had already formed and got so sick of his moping about and complaining about where we had moved to almost to try to make me feel guilty that I was finally done and ended the relationship. I believe he moved back to London where he was happy and I eventually managed to buy even further into the countryside where I was happy.
Looking back I should have ended it the first time, but I don’t see it as a waste because I left that relationship knowing I had really given it my all. Now I’m married, have a house, children and more importantly I’m with someone who has been as excited about building a life with me as I have him and who will compromise on things for the sake of our little family. Without my previous experience maybe I wouldn’t appreciate how nice what I have feels, so I don’t regret it now all these years later.
Your DP now willing to give an inch isn’t enough and I think you probably know you’ll never get back any feelings about being excited for the future with this man. You’ll continue to be ensnared and dragged along with promises he won’t ever fulfill,

Too little too late
merely dangling a carrot

Pay special attention to the use of the word ' but maybe we can talk about X**

only 8 days left to go.

Yes, he's seeing if he can lure you into another 8 years of future faking talks and promises. Don't buy it.

This us what PP meant by stalling. He's been stalling all along. Stalling you with hinted promises, stonewalling, silent treatment

Stalling tactic. Give you something... not what you want, but easy for him

Stalling because he has realised exactly what will go when you do.
Your share of the incoming funds. Your share of the rent. Your share of the furniture that made life comfortable.

He's seen in his minds eye what life looks like without your input and hes decided to give you the very least with least benefit to you.

How are you questioning your response?
You found the place you want to be.
Looking at the employment you hope to secure. Life is Good. Dont fess it up by settling for crumbs.

If he was Serious about keeping you he would give you all you've fought for.

What's on offer is simply his gesture to save his face and keep the cash cow

Stalling tactic. Give you something... not what you want, but easy for him

Stalling because he has realised exactly what will go when you do.
Your share of the incoming funds. Your share of the rent. Your share of the furniture that made life comfortable.

He's seen in his minds eye what life looks like without your input and hes decided to give you the very least with least benefit to you.

How are you questioning your response?
You found the place you want to be.
Looking at the employment you hope to secure. Life is Good. Dont fess it up by settling for crumbs.

If he was Serious about keeping you he would give you all you've fought for.

What's on offer is simply his gesture to save his face and keep the cash cow

Yeh you give in to him and he will
change his mind. Hes just trying to string you along more. He has no intention to move.

Futility Is : Accepting Nothing, whilst expecting it to change into a Pot of Gold

i'd be fuming with this.

i don't know how you didn't just lose your shit with him, or just laugh in his stupid face!

he's just starting to realise he's losing all the conveniences he's taken for granted, so it's purely a selfish gesture (surprise, surprise).

tell him he should move there with his mum

Did you put some feelers out for accomodation while you were there?

Would you like to make it work with him? If so you could at least discuss the x possibility.

I think you'd be mad though!

Zonder...
It would render her certifiable!

No im not considering it.

For some reason it has made me feel really sad though, when the past two days I was feeling good.

@PinkImbrella you’re feeling sad in part because you’re still grieving the end of your relationship, and partly because if he’d offered this before you’d have felt very pleased. But offered here and now - it’s a wee bit of salt in your wounds, just as you were heading up into the sunshine of a new start after eight years of playing second fiddle to darling mummy.

He must have done this before on some level? Refused to engage or compromise until you reached your limit and then threw you a crumb or two to get your hopes up, and then the cycle began again? 'Maybe' a town of his choice with easy access to his mother is barely a crumb tbh. It's a token empty gesture said with gritted teeth. I don't think there's any reason to feel sad because it isn't genuine. If it HAD been genuine you'd be like, 'What took you so long? What a waste of time.' But it isn't. It's more of the same.

Roller coaster emotions are perfectly normal, even when we know we are right to end a relationship and are looking forward to our 'new chapter'.

I had moments of tears (but no regrets) after I kicked my abusive exH out. Part was pure relief at him being gone, but part was also the fact that there were good memories (well outweighed by the bad) and that I had to give up the dream of what I thought my life would be.

But I found a much better reality a few years later. I met now DH. We've been together and married a total of 40 years and have raised two wonderful sons. We're now retired and I can honestly say life has been GOOD. There are bumps in any road, but the life we built together has given us so much happiness and a real sense of pride in the family we created together.

You'll get there too. I know it.