I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

I get that you would like to have a closure discussion, but if that was going to happen he'd have been more open to discussing your relationship issues & possibly you wouldn't be leaving.

Accept that it's not going to happen.

Move out & move on. Good luck.

For months after our divorce my XH would visit me to tell me of his woes. How his mother (who he moved in with despite having bought a 3 bed house) was driving him bonkers, his GF problems how his brother & sister wouldn't let him have his inheritance (his mother was very much alive - no inheritance until she died!) In the end when I saw him coming down the garden path, I chucked a dressing gown on, cracked the door open, peeped my head through the gap & said that it wasn't convenient for him to visit as I had a 'guest'. 😂

Very recently, 40+ years later he rang me to tell me that his mother had died & asked if I was going to her funeral. FFS I hadn't seen her for over 40 years! My answer was absolutely NO! Would be inappropriate in so many ways. He also asked if he could call me occasionally as he felt so lonely & down - again NO you have been my ex husband for over 40 years. FO. 😡

It must be but it sounds like you had a lovely relationship, but this one big issues was just insurmountable and made worse by avoidance of the issue (by him). I’d assume he’s very sad it has come to an end, but is continuing to bury his head in/ avoid the difficult/ honest conversation. It’s sad and frustrating, but I very much doubt it’s because he doesn’t care. Did he want children with you or was that something else he wasn’t honest about?

Rather than think of 8 years wasted, think of as a very long lesson.

Make sure the next 8 really count - whether is romance, pregnancy, travel, career, friendships etc. Promise yourself that you will spend the next 8 only doing what works for you and brings you happiness.

Prioritise you. If you met someone along the way and they want to prioritise you too or prioritise their time with you, great thry can join in too. If not, they aren't part of the journey and ditch them quick!

Best of luck OP. Just to say I’ve been there. It does get better. 💐

I don’t have any useful advice but I just want to commiserate on the feeling of being with someone you love but their world is just… small.

Ive moved to a small town a long time ago and throughout this decade I just never… vibed with any of it. I don’t like the area, there isn’t much to do, didn’t make any long term friends. I think it’s a great town to build a family as it’s so safe but not much else.

I desperately want to move as soon as DD moves out but I have a feeling my partner doesn’t. His whole family is here and I think he feels most comfortable where he knows everything, whereas I’ve lived in 3 different countries.

I’ve decided to shelve the subject for the time being as I can’t move for a couple years anyways, but I just know in my heart that staying here might be a dealbreaker for me. It makes me really sad to even consider it, but the prospect of a lifetime somewhere I feel isolated and miserable feels even sadder.

How old is your DD?

All I can say is for a long time when I first opened my eyes in the morning I would be hit with this terrible wave of sadness: it was the sadness of knowing I was in a place I couldn't connect with and didn't feel at home in.

This past week I've been feeling a lot of nostalgia for the relationship but I dont have that sadness anymore, and it feels really good.

Just turned 21, but because she’s doing uni from home I can’t really afford to relocate - I’m a single parent and my job is very steady, we have a good thing going in that aspect.

I don’t even want to move too far away, there’s a city nearby I’d be perfectly happy with. I feel for him because he does try to get me involved in local things, but all I can think is “I just want to leave”. All my other activities (walking groups, book club, whatever) are in the city nearby, so I might as well just live there.

I think because he doesn’t care that much, unfortunately.

Update! So two days ago he went from blanking me to being quite aggressive one evening. I pointed out that he didn't even try and "keep me" by suggesting that okay, fine, we can move to the nearest city and he said "what would be the point in that? For you to change your mind in a year?". Then I said I didn't want our 8 years together to end with us not even being civil to each other and he said "I couldn't give a fuck".

Im heading to my city today, got some viewings lined up, my plan now is to move ASAP.

@PinkImbrella

I'm glad you've 'moved up your moving out'. That's a wise decision.

The best thing you can do until then is remain silent, even in the face of aggression. Obvs if he's threatening you, call the police. But there's no point in talking to him any more than is necessary for day to day 'business', and certainly not about your (former) relationship. As the old saying goes "East is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet".

Personally, I've never believed in 'relationship postmortems'. They really don't serve any purpose. He'll never see your side of things and you already know his. Examine things 'within yourself' to see if there are things you need to learn for the future but that's all.

You'll get through this. Just keep plowing forward with your plans, but keep them to yourself.

@AcrossthePond55 I find men particularly like this , especially if they aren’t the ones initiating a split - you are either with them or you are not .

You didn't face it because of hope. Don't feel bad, or feel bad just a few days. After that move whenever and wherever you like and have a bright future.

Find somewhere new to go & move out

He can pay the rent if he wants to stay there

GO ! GO! GO!

If he has good genes then go for it. It’s one way to get him out of his country.

I read something a while ago and it really stuck with me.
"If its not a clear and enthusiastic yes its a no"
Eg. Yes but
Yes if
Yes when
Yes later
Are all No.
It was from someone writing about how decisions you make should not be left hostage in the hands of someone else"considering things" or , well anything really.
Also that plans are better made from your point of view.
"I want to move house, do you want to move with me?" Any response that isn't a yes is a no. It might be a no wearing a great big fuck off flowery hat as a distraction ( disguised behind conditions or excuses) . But it is still a no.
Its quite a liberating way of thinking.

I agree. But I'd phrase it (from their point of view) as "you are either with them or you are deluded (and wrong)".

I'll add for fairness NAMALT and there are some women who are.

@AcrossthePond55 oh I agree - there are plenty of women like this too, although I find less so -

@PinkImbrella wow!! that went from 0 to 1000 in 0.1 seconds!!! you deserve nothing but the best and that certainly isnt him!

I texted him to say I've gone to the UK, back in a week.
He said "what? I thought you were going on Monday. Let me know when you've arrived safely".

@PinkImbrella. I just read your update. I'm sorry things have devolved to this point. Sadly, he's lashing out at you for his own short-comings in character and failures in your relationship. I believe this is the classic DARVO tactic MNers famously talk about. Protecting your mental health and dignity by taking the action you are is commendable. Move on asap and keep your head high. You've got lots of support on this thread. 🩷

Good for you!

Hope house hunting is part of your itinerary!

Is your cat safe with him ?

I'd like to say no-one enters a relationship not thinking of the future, but guys like this prove different.

Really struggling today. Wandering around doing viewings, seeing the absolute shitholes on offer here compared to where we live(d). Thinking I can't believe im scrabbling around looking a houseshares and stuff when 10 days ago I had a partner and a nice house.
I know this is to be expected but I just feel sp down now, its like the anger is giving way to waves of sadness and "if only"