I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Bez out salvet dioutañ

I hope that's right and I haven't insulted you 😂

I hope he never wants to move somewhere nicer because I think the problems were deeper than location. It doesn’t matter where you live if everything else works…like socialising, travelling , being proactive in a relationship. His passivity would follow him and I think you can do better, OP

Absolutely this.

Also.. he may be a "good man", but only absolutely on his own terms and with strict self-enforced limitations. In his own environment, surrounded by his own family, with a fairly undemanding job working for a relative - with an attentive well paid partner doing all the planning and managing yes.. he's a good man. He didn't beat you, fall over drunk or shag around. Does that minimum standard make him a "good" partner?

But he wasn't a good enough man for you. Not prepared to meet you half way. Effectively lied to you about ever intending to move. Not even prepared to leave home for a few weeks to go on a good holiday ffs!

You were expected to compress yourself to fit precisely into the jigsaw he had already constructed, one that he never had any intention of changing. The tears etc.. are because he feels sorry for himself and probably wishes he'd never been so frank about not wanting to change.
Its unfortunate that its come at the same time as the redundancy but he's really playing the victim, with you as the wicked villain...and yet he's made zero effort on so many counts for so long, refusing to do things that wouldn't have made that much disruption to his small world, but would have meant a lot to you, effectively sucking the life out of you.. but of course none of this is his fault.

I agree that the cousin feels guilty (despite the generous 2 year government mandated redundancy terms) and is trying to shift any blame onto you.

The weird sexual remark was insulting... was he trying to suggest that you were leaving to go to another man? (Because no woman has enough agency to leave for their own sanity?) Or did he in fact have a bit of a crush on you?.. Seems an odd direction for his thoughts.
I think cousin's also being over performative to demonstrate that he is "supporting" him, by behaving like a shit to you.

Shake the dust from your sandals.. None of them are your problem anymore.

It think it takes a lot of courage to do what you've done and it may not be easy at times, but from the way you've made your decision and acted on it overcoming obstacles.. and the kindness you showed at the end, it bodes well for your future success and at least you won't have this suffocating drama to deal with.

Enjoy being the Heroine of your own story and not the Villain from over Yonder.

If he couldn’t move to Shit City he definitely couldn’t cope in Brighton!
I hate mobile phones sometimes. Back in the day, the cousin would have no idea where you were or have any access to you. Neither would your ex.
It is almost like you’ve left a 5 year old boy alone and the family are sitting there thinking…
well, who will care for Pierre? What are we to do?
Well Pierre can get off his arse and wash his own socks for starters.

Block the cousin's number now. You don't need to hear from him again. Ever.

I wouldn't block your ex, as the continued lack of contact from him will be ample demonstration that he was happy enough, and loved you enough, as long as you were making all the effort and doing all the adapting. Expect him to budge, even a single inch, and stonewalling is what you get.

A better future awaits. Not necessarily today. But in time. And today will be better than the day you left. Onwards and upwards!

Don't block anyone until you get Teddy back.

Well, who will care for Pierre?

😂😂😆

Well who will care for Pierre is behind the cousin’s message. The family don’t want the burden of Pierre you’ve shouldered for eight years.

I commented earlier on the thread but I view things a bit differently to many other PP so I haven’t said anything again as it wouldn’t have helped you OP. I think your ex loved you the best that he could, and I think his silence was his way of trying to deal with the heartbreak. And that’s backed up by him crying on your last night there. It was shitty for you but I think he was lost and just didn’t know what to do.

But his best never would have been enough, because you’re just not compatible.

It was more than just location really. That’s an easy tangible thing to hang it on but all your comments show that it was so much more. His passivity, his willingness to let life drift by, his acceptance of being a passenger in his own story - all of those things are part of why you left. Holidays, meals out, marriage, children - you were looking for a rich life that included the possibility of everything. But that’s just not who he is, or what he’s like.

Although he’s acted poorly, I think he’s just found it hard to lose you. And a life in Shit City isn’t really what you want and he probably knows this. Maybe he finally understood that you just needed to let each other go, even though it was painful.

You’ve done the hard bit - you just need to look forward now. There’s so much life waiting for you- don’t waste your time mulling over weird letters from a misogynistic French cousin. Just underlines the fact you’re well out of that family! That chapter of your life is done, onwards Pink!! 💐

The Cousin, seems to be very involved and have lots of strong opinions so much so that he's rewriting history.... and I was pondering why.
Could it be that over the years your partner discussed things with him.. or the cousin was happy to have a related steady but undemanding employee on the doorstep... and was influential in persuading him to stay put and that's why he's so keen to pin all the blame on you?
Now he's got the guilt of dealing with a relative who has relied on him for years, down in the dumps and helplessly adrift as now no one is driving the boat.. and and Cousin is realising that might be expected to have to deal with some of that himself? Cousin says he already got him a job in Shit City... but it doesn't sound as if it will be taken up.

Pure conjecture of course

Anyway. What he thinks matters not a jot.

Hi there I couldn’t agree more that this is about more than just where you live. It’s about his entire attitude to relationship. In particular, the stonewalling (five weeks!) is a major red flag. By not having kids with him, and getting the hell away, you have spared yourself some deep misery. My husband suffered this kind of treatment in childhood, and has struggled all his life to break out of it. His family seem to think it is an acceptable way to deal with dissent (and whenever we had conflict and he gave me the silent treatment, they accepted and enabled it and said they “didn’t want to get involved”). They also made it clear they thought it was on me to compromise and to accept his moods and behaviour. I don’t it is purely because they are also French, but they certainly have some very traditional patriarchal views. I was also stuck in a place I didn’t want to be for many years, and though I loved it for so long, my son and I were desperate to get away. In the end I left; I gave him notice of a year and made it clear I was going at the end of the school year, whether he chose to come or not. He did come, and it completely changed the dynamic between us. We have been together 26 years and have a child together, and have both worked so hard to keep this together, but the only thing that makes it work now is that I am no longer willing to allow him to make all the decisions and ignore my wishes. And if I am deeply honest with myself, if I could go back and leave at the first silent treatment, the first passive disregarding of my wishes, then I would do it. Saving myself years of heartache and endless therapy (though it did teach me a lot about myself and why I was accepting poor treatment).

Any time you hesitate, let me tell you the story of my MIL who, on her 80th, told me how miserable she had been and how much she had almost left at times but had to stay for the sake of “keeping the family together”. Then minutes later went out and told a roomful of people how her husband was her rock and she adored him. Go figure.

I wish you so much joy, but more important than joy is what you will now have in spades: peace. And lucky you living in Brighton!!!

I would be interested in his relationship history prior to meeting OP - almost 2 decades - what was going on then?

A 35 year old man in many traditional, isolated, rural / mountain (?) area is 'old' for that community - unusal he hadn't married before and didnt want to marry OP. I am also aware of insidious problematic drinking - it doesnt look like UK alcohism but the inertia, moods and moroseness would be entrenched and building.

So wait , French men can be mama's boys too alongside Asian men and Italian men ?

Im starting to think least risk of mama's boys re American men , maybe

Brit asian here.

MAGA Incels are probably a thing.

Trust me, American "mommas boys" are no better. Speaking from experience. And I was stuck over there too with 2 kids. But managed to get myself and my children out. Still had to deal with the aftermath and the guilt tripping from my ex MIL for taking "her babies" away 🙄

My ex is a Democrat, but behaves like MAGA in many ways

Welcome to Brighton! 🤗 SO much fun here - theatre, comedy, events, music, festival/fringe, easy for Gatwick and London, coast and countryside trips ... Chuck yourself in. Here we are 👏👏👏

I did not have sexual relations with that woman….. 😊

I live in Brighton too!

😂😂😂😂

Your ex is spinning the narrative and not telling his cousin the whole story

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I think you have a good point about the cousin, now Ops left he can see himself being left to pick up the pieces.
Hope you're enjoying Brighton @PinkImbrella , nothing like some sea air to lift your spirits

That's what I think too.

It really doesn't matter, though, does it? @PinkImbrella is out of there, in Brighton, with friends, family support and (most important!) her beloved cat. Let the ex and his family witter on and play the victims. Nobody but them is listening.

Would just reply to cousin in one line requesting to arrange Teddy being shipped to you OP