I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

That's the bit that stood out for me too @PinkImbrella , that he thought you'd regret leaving and want to come back but no man wants a woman another man has touched_ it's so arrogant! I also see your Ex worked for his cousin's company , does that mean his cousin made him redundant?

Totally. Its also insulting considering my DAD was there yesterday, they were there in the same room as we parted ways, and all my dad said was good luck with everything. No fucking Eastenders shit.

His cousin had his business for 20 years i think it was, and he's gone bust

Op,I hope one day, you come back and tell us you are living your best life, take care lovely girl😀

Well that explains a lot @PinkImbrella , your Ex didn't even have to look for work before because his cousin gave him a job. Also that's why his cousins giving you a hard time, he feels guilty about putting your ex out of work so he's trying to pass the blame onto you.
As a pp said they all think you should stay and make him happy, never mind your unhappiness, it's all about the men

@PinkImbrella I've been quietly following your posts and I just wanted to say that i am pleased you finally made the move on your own. I do hope the path to living your best life starts now.

I do just want to add, that I really hope you aren't going to continue sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. I understand right now you both still love eachother but I really hope you aren't going to continue putting your life on hold to wait around for this man. The amount of olive branches you have left open to him sounds like this may be your plan but please don't waste any more of your life for this. He had his chances, he showed nothing in return. I personally think its time to close the door on this chapter with him now and start moving on. I don't want to read a thread in a few years time saying you were tricked back into things under false promises and illusions. There's so much more out there for you.

I notice the cousin says he managed to get your ex a job, rather than him going out and finding one himself. So there's still not a huge amount of effort going on from himself.

Good luck in your new home OP 😊

Well done @PinkImbrella, for keeping it together, get teddy back and block them both. Ex will never change, as you were leaving he still couldn't tell you to stay.
Your Uk pic looks like the SE coast, I live nearby!

Brighton? The best move x

The first time seeing your thread this morning (I’ve only read OP posts). What a roller coaster.

Well good luck onwards and upwards - freedom xx

PS. Your ‘none of that Eastenders shit’ made me laugh 😆. You must be a Northerner.

Haha, I am a northerner originally, and I am in Brighton. Can't believe you spotted that!

Please, please just block the lot of them, even just for a few weeks while you get your head straight. That message from his cousin was unbelievably toxic and designed specifically to make you feel like shit.

So pleased you are away from it all now. Good luck x

Not surprised at all by the cousin. They sound a pair of sneaky twunts. You're well out of it.

How lovely going to Brighton. I haven't been but always fancied going. Have a fantastic Sunday in your new home 🏠

Meh. If 'you do everything to keep them' then it works both ways. He didn't do everything. He couldn't even get off his arse to book a holiday, let alone contemplate a move to a new area, to make you happy. Tell the cousin it works both ways. Or just ignore. How exhausting.

If cousin is to be believed, XP potentially had a job lined up in shit city & not only omitted to use it to try & get you to stay, but didn't even mention it along with anything else of value….
What kind of desperate broken hearted human being does that?
Today starts your new life, dont look back, there is so much unsaid, it cant be unraveled

Oh my gosh Brighton 😁
Your new adventure starts today 🤗

Ignore cousin, you (and your dad) have given nothing but kindness and dignity.

I believe that’s probably quite hard for ex and cousin, as it shows another layer of your goodness, that he has lost.

Not that you would, but lashing out only results in hurting yourself more in the end, and it just keeps the relationship ending alive and ongoing, which will only cause more pain and hurt.

OP, I split up with a wonderful man because we couldn’t settle on somewhere we both wanted to live. Like you, I could live happily in another country but not (in our case) in the middle of nowhere. I felt as if my life was draining away.

Leaving was immensely painful. And it’s hard getting back to single life in a new place when you’ve been living with someone you love. But I have now been happily married for many years to another wonderful man. I wish you the best of luck and happiness xx

No man will touch you again bullshit? What red neck neanderthals they are.
Block the lot of them.
You are well out of it.
Brighton sounds great.
Don't waste any more time on these small minded losers.

Maybe im entering a vaguely hysterical phase now because im sitting in a caff waiting for a friend and the image of an actual redneck neanderthal has got me cry-laughing. Thank you!

This makes me feel so cheered. Thank you x

He wasn’t wonderful. He was a rather dull, inert, provincial man who didn’t match OP’s energy and intelligence. His Frenchness made him seem more interesting initially than he actually is.

Good luck OP. I have no doubt you will go on to a much better relationship.

I just wanna say @PinkImbrella you're an inspiration to many! Best of luck and do come back and let us know how you're getting on one day! Xx

Also, @PinkImbrella if you are on the coast may I recommend starting each day with a bracing dunk in the sea. It does absolute wonders for training your resolve. And making you smile.

He's not Breton is he?

That’s what I thought.. Similar to Cornish. Same theme.

So everything the cousin said about you, could have been applied to the ex, too.

Double standards and hypocrisy.