Page 31 | I've thrown away 8 years of my life

PinkImbrella · 2025-06-14T14:13:44+00:00

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive. Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral. Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated. Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

EggCustardTartt · 20/07/2025 03:15

pikkumyy77 · 19/07/2025 18:14

A) he isn’t a woman. Women’s ambitions and job prospects have traditionally been limited, compared to that of the men in their age cohort or the men they marry. Was he prevented by misogyny and patriarchy or family frugality form leaving home and seizing his opportunities for career advancement?

B) He was not a SAH parent sacrificing his body snd work career for their joint children.

C) He was not assuming a caregiving role for elderly parents.

D) Inviting your lover to make a home in a vibrant, nearby, city is not “isolating” them from their support network. Its just an invitation to grow up and have a life.

E) This comparison is so vapid and pointless—you can’t simply invert the sexes and get a clear comparison. Men and women are different in society. Women have always been more at risk of exploitation and abuse by men than men have been by women..

Finally nothing suggests that OP’s actions or suggestions were made to a vulnerable person who was not at liberty to reject her proposals—which he did for 8 years.

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Oh please. You're telling me that a woman who previously had a career before having children suddenly can't work full time anymore once the kids have grown up because patriarchy. I've heard it all now. 🤣

Morelike some women are just happy with a more traditional setup where they rely on the man. Which is fine but it should be able to work both ways.

EggCustardTartt · 20/07/2025 03:32

But OP has probably made the right choice by the sounds of it as ultimately it's down to what she wants. I was just making a point that there's often a double standard on here and people are also very quick to stick their oar in at times when it's somebody else that will suffer the consequences.

I often think this when I'm reading the trans/gender threads about workplaces. The company will ask employees to state their pronouns or something and lots of the replies will be along the lines of "tell them to stick it" and other suggestions which probably aren't the best course of action for somebody that actually wants to keep on the right side of their employer/progress in their job.

MMMMMBacon · 20/07/2025 05:50

Morning OP ...hope Teddy is on its way to you soon

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/07/2025 06:47

AGAIN for a second time that morning I asked if he would change his mind and he said "what about you? Why dont you change yours?”

@PinkImbrella - proof, were more proof needed, that you are well out of it. It’s clearly “my way or the highway” with him, and after 8 years of your being unhappy with it his way, it would only be fair for him to try it your way now, particularly as he himself is at a turning-point. He really is a very selfish man. You’re well away from him, as you know.

I hope you get your Teddy back soon and best of luck for when you start your new job, I hope it all goes wonderfully well!

(I’m actually wondering about Belgium, rather than France or Italy?)

OohhhhhBigStretch · 20/07/2025 07:10

Master manipulators can easily make it feel like your fault. Just remember you’ve spent 8 years doing what the wanted with NO compromise, yet he’s making you feel guilty for not accepting a crumb. That’s not a healthy dynamic.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/07/2025 07:37

So did this cousin pop into help when you made yourself so ill you could hardly eat or leave the house? Call in with some chicken soup and a listening ear? Er, no.
And what if your dad messaged your ex and gave him an earful? He wouldn’t.
Your ex is a child now employing flying monkeys.
You are well rid of the lot of them. Use that block button.

RedBeech · 20/07/2025 08:00

PinkImbrella · 18/07/2025 05:42

Morning all!
This time tomorrow, i should be in a car with the wind in my brittle hair, heading for the Channel.
Today I need to do some work, finish packing and pick up a thank you present for dear old dad.

The thing that has killed us IMO is his passivity.
I said countless times - we should go out to eat more, we should go to some of the local bars more, we should go on holiday to X or to Y. It never happened. Or when it did, I had to make it happen. I know he was always broke, but what about just a weekend camping?
I remember a month or two ago I had a particularly striking hour where I thought "what the fuck?". I said (for like the third time) that we should really look into going to Greece in the autumn, I've never been before and would love to. He said "yeah, we'll get around to it". It was never "yeah! Let me get a glass of wine and maybe we can start looking at places". Right after the Greece thing, I suggested we have a BBQ at ours (for HIS people, obviously) for a big yearly event that happens here and he said "let's see". Then I suggested checking out this new restaurant that had opened that evening and he said "not feeling it tonight". That all happened in the space of an hour, and i just thought what's the fucking point.

We had an argument a year ago when he told me having sex twice a week wasn't enough andbI clearly told him that for me to have more sex I have to actually feel desired and excited. I explicitly told him for me that would involve going out more and doing more stuff together. That never ended up happening.

I also tried to buy a house here. I found the house, signed the paperwork (he was there). This was a few years ago. At the time he was self employed and didnt have his accounts in order so he couldn't get a mortgage with me. He wanted to give me some deposit money and go on the deeds. I ended up pulling out because I thought to myself "why would I buy a house in a place I hate with a guy who cant be bothered to have the right paperwork?". After that, his mother and sisters were really pissed off with me and kept saying to me "a relationship is a partnership, Pink".

Finally: citizenship. The process to get citizenship here is batshit, its not just about doing your years, you then also have to wait years after you've done your years to get an appointment and have your paperwork processed. I got my nationality as if I were a complete lone ranger, despite having been with him for a long time. We could have got a civil partnership or married and it would have sped things up for me considerably. At the time, I pointed that out in an argument. Marriage was never a big deal to me, but I have mentioned it a few times to him, so he knows its something he could have done.
Its something he could have done that would have showed commitment and care with no personal or financial cost to him. But he didnt.

I guess im writing all this down to show that it was about more than just location. If his family had been warm to me, if he had asked me to marry him and stepped up to get us sorted with a house, if he had put a bit of effort into finding fun things for us to do locally and been proactive about going on holiday, I think that would have been enough flr me.

Even now - its very passive. He still has his pay slips, he's still employed on paper. He has just under 2 weeks left where he can still show the last 3 months employment. So find a place tomorrow, and if the sticking point is double rent, ask friends or family to sub you.

Another option - you're heartbroken and your work is ending. So say to me: "im all over the place but I cant bear to see you go. Let me come and crash with you for a month while I get my head straight" and get jn the car with me and dad.

Another option - "Fuck it. Is there still time for you to change your mind? Lets go to [amazing city in his country]. Im okay with giving it a year as a trial".

Don't worry guys, I know it's for the best now that I just crack on and I'm not hoping any of those scenarios could or would have happened, im just saying from the start I think the problem hasn't really been the location per se.

This of all your posts really interested me. Because it is very like the arguments I have with DH. He is autistic (we found out after decades of marriage and me tearing my hair out over his 'we'll see' knee jerk reaction to getting around to doing any-bloody-thing at all! But the big difference is - when we rowed, he listened and made big changes. After an explosive row, we finally went abroad, because he accepted that I'd needed the row because years of suggesting and gentle discussion resulted in yet another overpriced holiday in a stinking damp cottage in sodding Wales with rain pouring down outside.

I know how utterly exhausting and dispiriting and frankly unsexy it is to be cajoling your man to participate in life. But DH has got better and better at it. In the past year he's been actively spontaneous. The fact that you had his back to the wall so many times and still he did nothing tells you that he would never change.

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:01

Let me give you the cousins full message, I was out saying goodbye to dad last night so didnt have time to process it. Can't be bothered to translate it all myself so put it through AI for you:

You know he won't come back !!!! he'll never accept anyone else touching you kissing you etc.... You had a strong love for each other and for me you were made to be together. I can't understand you, I'm sorry! I managed to get him a job in Shit City even though he didn't need me to get a job, and now it doesn't suit you anymore! I'm sorry Pink but when you know you've found the person of your life you do everything to keep him or her no matter where you live, you have your whole life to move on but a guy like that and as you say the man of your life you don't let him go for some location/regional bullshit! I'm really sad for you. I hope you thought carefully before making your decision because you'll never find a man like that again. I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you but I sincerely think you're going to regret it but it'll be too late 😡

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Original poster

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:03

So how come yesterday morning when we had our last coffee, he wasn't sitting there begging me, telling me about this supposed job, trying to convince me to change my mind the way i was him? Because deep down, he didnt want to go to Shit City, thats why.

I was in France. A very particular region in France very unlike the rest of the country.

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99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 08:05

I think the only reply is i agree you should work to keep someone you love. I worked at it for 8 years, unfortunately he didn’t. Maybe if he’d done something like got that job years ago it would be different, but I can’t go back in time to make him care enough to do anything.

AlertCat · 20/07/2025 08:07

Cousin’s message is full of manipulation.

“when you know you've found the person of your life you do everything to keep him or her no matter where you live, you have your whole life to move on but a guy like that and as you say the man of your life you don't let him go for some location/regional bullshit!”

start here and down the line it becomes the same thing over sharing the burden of child rearing, you already gave up your hobbies and friends so it wasn’t just the location anyway. He wants you to subsume yourself for the man, he sees that as your role, and essentially that’s what your ex thought too.

PrettyParrot · 20/07/2025 08:08

Deep breaths OP.

If his cousin makes a fuss about you leaving and scold you for it, it must be at least in part because they are sad to lose you from their lives. They wouldn't be making this much effort or fuss if they didn't like you/thought your ex would be better off without you. That may be of some comfort, albeit bittersweet.

Also, I suspect the job in Shit City is not confirmed (or it's an offer he hasn't accepted/cousin hasn't actually told him about) but is being presented as a done deal. Don't be fooled.

Daisymail · 20/07/2025 08:15

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2025 00:22

You left with grace, dignity and kindness and the stupid cousin has interfered and ruined that.

It's so telling that you asked if he would change his mind.. and he absolutely wouldn't even consider it. You are the one that always had to adapt and accept the circumstances he'd chosen .. and that was one of your main reasons for leaving.

It's just further illustration that trying to negotiate or compromise with him would have been hitting your head against a brick wall. And he didn't even comprehend or want to consider your feelings or needs. It was his narrow restrictive way or the highway. It's further confirmation, if any was needed, that you made the right decision.

Why was the cousin so understanding previously? Because he was collecting info on behalf of your partner, who couldn't collect it himself because he was busy cold shouldering you as punishment for asking for change. As for Shit City I imagine that one would have to job hunt there if living in a remote area. And there's no guarantee he would have stuck at it either. And now that you've gone.. his family are stepping up to be caretaker for him.. finding him work, writing acrimonious messages on his behalf. It isn't what you'd always wanted anyway. You wanted a partner who didn't string you along for 8 years. I imagine that he will complain a great deal about having to work in Shit City. Imagine if he was able to blame you for forcing him and tell all his rotten relatives that. Anyway.. who cares what the cousin thinks.

You mentioned that you did have one local friend. Would they be prepared to go round and collect Ted for you?

It's a shame you had to have that nasty message, but in a relatively short time, this will be behind you and you can look forward to being in control of your own life. Wishing you all the best @PinkImbrella

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This has absolutely nailed it.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/07/2025 08:17

How utterly bizarre that the cousin is so invested.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/07/2025 08:20

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:01

Let me give you the cousins full message, I was out saying goodbye to dad last night so didnt have time to process it. Can't be bothered to translate it all myself so put it through AI for you:

You know he won't come back !!!! he'll never accept anyone else touching you kissing you etc.... You had a strong love for each other and for me you were made to be together. I can't understand you, I'm sorry! I managed to get him a job in Shit City even though he didn't need me to get a job, and now it doesn't suit you anymore! I'm sorry Pink but when you know you've found the person of your life you do everything to keep him or her no matter where you live, you have your whole life to move on but a guy like that and as you say the man of your life you don't let him go for some location/regional bullshit! I'm really sad for you. I hope you thought carefully before making your decision because you'll never find a man like that again. I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you but I sincerely think you're going to regret it but it'll be too late 😡

Talk about completely brushing past the real problems in your relationship, his total lack of ambition and the awful way all his family treated you!

He talks about you ending your relationship due to 'some location/regional bullshit'. Surely that works both ways? He could have moved with you to the city with more opportunities but he refused to leave his home town. You did your best but he didn't. His cousin is a gaslighting twat and that was a horrible email for him to send you when you are already upset.

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:24

I also didnt like the opening. Weird misogynistic intro: why are we suddenly talking about these fictional random men that will apparently taint me? 😅

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Original poster

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:25

I just replied saying "you know he didnt talk to me for FIVE WEEKS, right?"

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YellowBlueStar · 20/07/2025 08:28

It's such a sad situation. You clearly love him and were prepared to invest a lot and make huge compromises to make it work. He obviously wasn't happy to do the same. I think the cousin's message about the job in Shit City is strange - why wasn't this job mentioned before? If it was, would it have made a difference? The cousin says that you have lost a good man but, for what it's worth, I think your ex has lost a lot more.

PsychoHotSauce · 20/07/2025 08:30

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/07/2025 08:17

How utterly bizarre that the cousin is so invested.

Is it a woman OP? I can't see a man doing this but I only have a British culture point of reference. S/he's way overstepping anyway.

In any event, it's almost like they sent it to the wrong half of the ex partnership. 'When you love someone you do anything to keep them...' HELLO.

Idontpostmuch · 20/07/2025 08:31

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 20/07/2025 00:30

I live in a small town in France, and my experience here for 15 y is that even when you speak the language and bend over backwards to integrate, and you might even think that you've been accepted - when it comes down to something like this, the social barriers will come down against you HARD, and you will become acutely aware that you've only ever been accepted conditionally. And you realize that they see - have always seen - your love for and affiliation with another place, country, as a personal insult to them.

It's small town insular stuff, likely true for any country. And the smaller the place, the deeper and more entrenched the insularity is. I know some people can make it work, but to do so, they have to work extra hard and accept that deep down, they'll always be seen as a foreigner.

It's an essential incompatibility. Op gave it her best shot, and there's been zero compromise from ex. In such a situation, it's best to shake oneself off and move on. And given Op's vivacity and energy, I have no doubt the next chapter of her life will be much more fulfilling.

Edited

That sort of thing isn't just in small towns. It can occur in cities too.

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:37

PsychoHotSauce · 20/07/2025 08:30

Is it a woman OP? I can't see a man doing this but I only have a British culture point of reference. S/he's way overstepping anyway.

In any event, it's almost like they sent it to the wrong half of the ex partnership. 'When you love someone you do anything to keep them...' HELLO.

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The cousin is in a man!

I find it so sexist, the double standards are mind-boggling. The cousin likes me, he even understands (or understood) my position, but ultimately its like: Woman, you should know love conquers all, look at you with your silly frivolous life preferences!

Why the fuck isnt he taking this "location is bullshit" preaching to his cousin (my ex)? BTW: ex is employed at cousins business.

What really winds me up is as we were crossing tje Channel yesterday, I texted the cousin. I told him that ex hadn't told any of his friends or family (except cousin) and so I wanted to make sure cousin, as the only person aware of what was happening, would be there to support him. You know, i just had visions of ex becoming unemployed and slipping into a dark place with nobody aware of what was going on.

So I texted cousin to try and look out for my ex and in return I get this bollocks.

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ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/07/2025 08:44

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:37

The cousin is in a man!

I find it so sexist, the double standards are mind-boggling. The cousin likes me, he even understands (or understood) my position, but ultimately its like: Woman, you should know love conquers all, look at you with your silly frivolous life preferences!

Why the fuck isnt he taking this "location is bullshit" preaching to his cousin (my ex)? BTW: ex is employed at cousins business.

What really winds me up is as we were crossing tje Channel yesterday, I texted the cousin. I told him that ex hadn't told any of his friends or family (except cousin) and so I wanted to make sure cousin, as the only person aware of what was happening, would be there to support him. You know, i just had visions of ex becoming unemployed and slipping into a dark place with nobody aware of what was going on.

So I texted cousin to try and look out for my ex and in return I get this bollocks.

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You seem determined to put yourself out and be kind to these idiots. Tell the cousin he’s being a misogynistic twat and block him. Or just block him. You don’t need to justify yourself to him (although emptying both barrels on him might be satisfying, so eviscerate him if you fancy it). You don’t need to analyse ‘why’ he’s being a misogynistic twat. You don’t need him to agree that what you’re doing is reasonable.

Seriously, fuck him.

Horses7 · 20/07/2025 08:54

Don’t look back OP - enjoy your new life, you deserve to be happy!

pyzaz · 20/07/2025 08:58

I hate it when people get involved during a break-up. Your ex's cousin reminds me of when I broke up with a boyfriend, and a few people tried to change my mind. Although he put up a good front, he was an abusive twat FFS! And even if he wasn't it had nothing to do with them. It really showed me the true colours of various people - the ones who were never really my friends, and the ones who were easily manipulated. Their arguments for me staying were all related to making HIM happy, nothing about me. I didn't even bother trying to reason with them, I kept my silence and let them all drift out of my life. There were plenty of my real friends who came out of the woodwork to say "thank god you finally saw the light with him, he dragged you down so much" - this is what your real friends will say to you eventually.

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 20/07/2025 08:58

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/07/2025 08:44

You seem determined to put yourself out and be kind to these idiots. Tell the cousin he’s being a misogynistic twat and block him. Or just block him. You don’t need to justify yourself to him (although emptying both barrels on him might be satisfying, so eviscerate him if you fancy it). You don’t need to analyse ‘why’ he’s being a misogynistic twat. You don’t need him to agree that what you’re doing is reasonable.

Seriously, fuck him.

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Yeah youre right.

And you know that big letter I gave him. At the end of it I said "if you ever feel ready to move somewhere nice one day, then give me a call". I also said that I felt I had already poured my heart out in the letter, and so I would not message or WhatsApp him after this. Basically, I was giving all responsibility back over to him.
And I think its telling he didnt message yesterday saying I hope you had a safe crossing, mentioning the letter or anything at all.

Dad has just hit the road to head back home. I think its time for me to go back to my new home now, put some music on, make my room look homely and go and see a friend.

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