I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

manipulation at its best.

If it were genuine, he’d have said something before you left.
proves he never loved you. He just knew you’d always be there. When it came time for him to step up, he didn’t. You had a good heart, and he used that. You made life easier for him and you kept thinking it was love.
But when you needed from him, like he needed from you, he was not there for you. He left you to just get by on his terms. He never gave, he just took. And now he’s got his cousin to do a nah nah, look what you missed out on…aye right. The man is a total bastard. Love him? You’d need to be mad. Sorry…but you will get your head straight once he’s not in there any more.

Please remind yourself of everything from the last 8 years that has frustrated you and made you unhappy

cousin says you’ll never meet a guy like this again? Let’s hope not. If you do, run

Even at the end he couldn't step up for himself or you. His cousin got him the job, his cousin worked it all out. He had no hand in this "fix".

You are right in what you have done. Go live your life and block the bloody cousin!

New beginnings OP. And you’re in charge. Enjoy it and have fun. You’ve done brilliantly. Wobbles are ok, just keep looking ahead x (ignore cousin, you didn’t make your decision in a spontaneous moment of madness - 8 years, remember that )

@PinkImbrella

First off what his cousin said is probably a lie or he would have told you himself that he had a job in shit city.

And I understand about the emotion. I do believe you love each other, but you've come up against those two hard life lessons; sometimes love is just not enough and that love cannot conquer all. So as painful as it is, your decision to part was the right one, for both of you. And in time the pain will lessen as your heart begins to accept those lessons.

Be kind to yourself. Try to eat well, drink lots of water, and get out into the fresh air. You will get through this.

Too fucking little too fucking late.

Who the hell wants someone who waited until you were literally crying and leaving with your stuff packed up and your dad to say, 'Well, if I have to I'll move a tiny bit further out... but that's as far as I'll go. ShitCity.'

Don't engage with the cousin. They're as emotionally stunted as the guy you finally found the guts to let go of.

And this!

She loves him. He does not love her. Not a bit. At all. Not even a wee bit.

@PinkImbrella this “man” is a baby . Does he have no voice of his own it’s pathetic and I can’t see the appeal
So why cousin thinks he’s all that I don’t know.

Op he had 8 years . He’s had a month too and not spoke once . He has a history of burying his head in the sand.
He also sounds boring tbh . You sound like you have so much more life in you.

Keep going with your new life .

Perfect reply

Just block them.

They aren't worth it.

You know the truth and what was best for you.

I suspect the cousin, mother and sisters are psiied off with you as they will have to pick up the morose loser. You mentioned early on about alcohol and I wonder if he is a habitual drinker in his mid 40s with a stunted emotional capacity after a quarter of a decade of drinking. I cant get my head around never going on holiday for 8 years. But I think your age gap when you initially got together due to social/cultural differences was bigger than you think as a man in a rural community at 35 would be almost an elder with entrenched habits etc.

Wishing you all the luck in your new wife.
Sounds like the cousin is a manipulator too. Block, delete and don’t look back. Pretty sure they are lying anyway and just lashing out to make you feel bad. It’s all just a crock so pay no attention.

I hope all goes well for you.

Thie morning, after our really sad "dawn moment", I got up and did some last minute packing stuff. When it got to 8AM and I knew my dad was coming soon, I asked him if he wanted to have a coffee before I left
AGAIN for a second time that morning I asked if he would change his mind and he said "what about you? Why dont you change yours?"

Would that not have been the ideal time to have an outpouring in which he told me about job in Shit Town? Why was the cousin (male btw) so understanding of me and then suddenly not today?

Also, horrible realisation: I know im a grown ass 38 year old woman but I just realised I left my teddy there, the one my mum got me when I was a newborn 😨

Oh. I understand about the teddy. Ask him to send it. From that last update you are well out of it. Nothing would have changed.

I have my teddy that my Daddy bought for me the day they brought me home from the Mother & Baby home - 64 years ago.

Maybe if you send him some euros or whatever currency, along with your Dad's address, he may post it to you ?
tho I suspect you will also need to send brown paper and sellotape.

For 8 years you did it his way, and at the end he still just couldn’t do it. If he had, he would’ve hated it anyway and dragged you down.

It’s all so very sad.

I really hope you get your teddy back.

Might as well go there and wrap it up and post it herself, this man-child is probably incapable of doing it

You left with grace, dignity and kindness and the stupid cousin has interfered and ruined that.

It's so telling that you asked if he would change his mind.. and he absolutely wouldn't even consider it. You are the one that always had to adapt and accept the circumstances he'd chosen .. and that was one of your main reasons for leaving.

It's just further illustration that trying to negotiate or compromise with him would have been hitting your head against a brick wall. And he didn't even comprehend or want to consider your feelings or needs. It was his narrow restrictive way or the highway. It's further confirmation, if any was needed, that you made the right decision.

Why was the cousin so understanding previously? Because he was collecting info on behalf of your partner, who couldn't collect it himself because he was busy cold shouldering you as punishment for asking for change. As for Shit City I imagine that one would have to job hunt there if living in a remote area. And there's no guarantee he would have stuck at it either. And now that you've gone.. his family are stepping up to be caretaker for him.. finding him work, writing acrimonious messages on his behalf. It isn't what you'd always wanted anyway. You wanted a partner who didn't string you along for 8 years. I imagine that he will complain a great deal about having to work in Shit City. Imagine if he was able to blame you for forcing him and tell all his rotten relatives that. Anyway.. who cares what the cousin thinks.

You mentioned that you did have one local friend. Would they be prepared to go round and collect Ted for you?

It's a shame you had to have that nasty message, but in a relatively short time, this will be behind you and you can look forward to being in control of your own life. Wishing you all the best @PinkImbrella

I live in a small town in France, and my experience here for 15 y is that even when you speak the language and bend over backwards to integrate, and you might even think that you've been accepted - when it comes down to something like this, the social barriers will come down against you HARD, and you will become acutely aware that you've only ever been accepted conditionally. And you realize that they see - have always seen - your love for and affiliation with another place, country, as a personal insult to them.

It's small town insular stuff, likely true for any country. And the smaller the place, the deeper and more entrenched the insularity is. I know some people can make it work, but to do so, they have to work extra hard and accept that deep down, they'll always be seen as a foreigner.

It's an essential incompatibility. Op gave it her best shot, and there's been zero compromise from ex. In such a situation, it's best to shake oneself off and move on. And given Op's vivacity and energy, I have no doubt the next chapter of her life will be much more fulfilling.

Brave girl - you’ve done so well, but get teddy back sharpish!

Reply "if he's such a great man, please get him to post my teddy" 😂

(But please don't, ignore cousin texts, just ask him directly. Perhaps he could post it to the storage company if he's funny about posting parcels abroad.)