I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Does the message say he is on the 1st plane over in the morning, with an engagement ring too.

Glad you are out. If he loved you, he’d have made some effort. Even if it was just a night out now and again. Meeting you part way on somethings, but I understand why you feel as you do.
He will paint a picture of being a sorry victim to everyone. Appearances is everything.

hes on a plane to u ????

30 days of no contact.

That's the recommendation.

To allow your mind to clear and his too.

30 days. It works.

Hos cousin sent me a long message saying "you really fucked up - he's a great guy, you'll never meet a man like this again. I managed to find him a great job in Shit City - this is what you always wanted, and now you've just left? You've made the biggest mistake of yoir life and lost such a good person".

I think it's his/her cousin that fucked up and made the biggest mistake of his life

Well you weren't in a relationship with the cousin.

He sounds like a bully.

Is this the cousin that decided s/he would talk to you once the rest of the family had been forbidden by him to do so.

And whilst s/he may have found him a fantastic job in a more desirable city, it doesn't mean he will take the job !
nor does it mean he would actually live there.

But

you already know that.

@PinkImbrella amazing that cousin found your exdp an amazing job just NOW. And that this was never mentioned til NOW. Though I guess if you were getting the silent treatment (cos he loves you so much) thats why he couldn’t tell you about this amazing new job in Shit city. What a load of 💩

He's wrong though isn't he as you didn't always want shit city.

That was a compromise he refused.

And he's got to rely on his cousin to get him a "really great job"?

How long would that last? He didn't get the job himself, he's just going along with nepotism.

Abject manipulation.

you'll never meet a man like this again

Tell cousin that you don't want to!

Ok. Let’s suppose the cousin’s telling the truth and Ex goes to Shit City and likes it, likes the job. Maybe he can contact OP in a while and say look, I’m sorry I wasn’t willing to try this before, I am now, can we try again.

Or, ex gives up and doesn’t do anything to win back OP.

they have parted in love so it isn’t as if there is no way back- but for me, I would need to see real concrete changes, not promises, not wishes, but steps taken to show me the change and to win me back.

I agree with both @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon and @goody2shooz. I think you’re well out of it, @PinkImbrella. Perhaps if this hadn’t gone on for so long, you might have thought again, but honestly, 8 years of this and then suddenly he may be willing to move to Shit City? Harrumph.

I never take anyone seriously who says anything along the lines of 'you'll never find anyone who loves you like me' or as 'great as X' because no one knows the future, and there are always good reasons for relationships to end, even if both parties are great people in their own right. Ignore cousin.

Good relationships don't end, so all the ones ending are those that weren't working for either partner, for whatever reason.

Ignore cousin, they have no right to berate you like you're a child.

I’ve heard of that happening quite a few times. 🤔☹️

Block block block

His cousin is now irrelevant to you, and your amazing fresh start

What a shitty insulting message from the cousin... I guess he's possibly hurt too and sad to see his family member upset, but that's no excuse to lash out like that at you. Which is what it was, textbook lashing out... You're allowed to leave. You gave your ex a 4k word explanation and were very kind to him on your last night together.

I'd possibly reply with 'feel free to read the letter I left him, but I don't owe you an explanation and you haven't any right to lash out at me. It's a shame you've chosen to leave things on these terms, but it only further cements my decision. Take care'

@MathNotMathing posted “I’m getting very strong vibes that this dude is Irish….”

I don’t think he is.
The OP mentioned the Channel.
However the picture posted looks like Dun Laoire and I know what Irish Mammies and their sons are like 😀

Wherever he’s from he’s a foolish man to throw away what he has with @PinkImbrella

Block, block, block.

HE fucked up, by stringing you along for 8 years. Don't forget that. He would move to shit city for a few months then convince you to go back near mummy

enjoy your new life, do not look back!

That isn't normal behaviour on cousin's part. Should strengthen your resolve. That is not a normal family.

Ahh just ignore it. Lots of people send these messages when people break up. She’s upset and protective, but she’s in the wrong.

What a loser (the cousin.) Smacks of men who can’t stand a woman asserting her independence. Very sexist/patriarchal, almost mob like. No thanks, you’re well out of it. I know it hurts but you’ve done the right thing. There is power in running and you have run. Well done!

Block the cousin.

Too little, too late, you do not want a life with a man you have to force into things by literally walking away and doing your own thing.

Imagine how thats going to work with kids, other pets, different jobs... its just not going to and, as his mother gets older, the attachment and dependency there is going to get worse, not better.

You haven't fucked up in the slightest - he has. And now it is too late.