I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Just a word of warning - has he threatened to harm himself if you go, yet?

This threat often happens. It's a controlling tactic.

Be alert to any attempts at emotional blackmail.

He has mummy, family, places to stay, a lot of your stuff, and money. He'll be ok.

Focus on you, family & cat. And the future.

www.womens-aid.org.uk/types-of-domestic-abuse

Yeah I was rude for which I apologise @Kattley. I absolutely stand by my comment that counselling with someone who has stonewalled for eight years is terrible advice.

The silent treatment, the crocodile tears are controlling tactics, and abuse. As were the rages, the stalking off rather than discussion.
I agree, the threat to harm himself often comes next.

Mine did. Still does and we’re divorced now. In his Bentley apparently, which he doesn’t drive…can’t get an MoT now, but it’s in a big shed on a ramp.

Last time he started that, I told him to make sure it had petrol and a charged battery, after sitting a year. That it would be a real bummer if he went out to do the deed and that car wouldn’t start.

He wrote back, told me, I’m funny 🤣

It is. You can’t go to couples counselling with a manipulator. You can go alone, but never as a couple. It doesn’t work. He will play to his audience and get them on side.

In any case, counsellors should refuse to counsel couples in an abusive relationship

He doesn’t sound “abusive” from the thread. He sounds as if he’s emotionally immature and doesn’t know how to compromise or handle feelings apart from being childlike by the silent treatment etc. all things that counselling can help with.

Apology accepted. Agree to disagree.

well OP hasnt said yet what his answer was to 'cant you change your mind...'

Wish you the best OP - he either changed his mind and is coming with you to Exciting city, or you are on the way back with your dad now to cross the channel

The silent treatment along with the other behaviours described in the years of the relationship, and then the emotional blackmail of tears is classic abuse. On its own, it’s a grey area but with the other behaviours, going into rages, or stalking off to refuse to talk, my way or the highway, its abuse
And yes, it’s childish, emotional immaturity. That does not mean it’s not abuse . It’s deliberate

I understand what you’re saying but that still doesn’t explain how OP got to that situation.

This is so true. His misery is entirely the consequence of his own free, un constrained choices. He preferred it like it was. He preferred a stunted life of idly living near mamma and puttering in his meaningless job. That us what he wanted and he got it.

You don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it (him).
Do you think he loves you enough to leave his mother behind and join you in the UK?

I couldn’t make that out either.

When my ex was leaving me, people close to me totally annihilated him when he still wanted to share my bed. And stuff. General opinion was that giving someone false hope was a very cruel thing to do.

You don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it (him).

I must admit I did think this although I didn't comment as hadn't read all the updates. I was totally thinking he sounded like a dud until I read the comment about him being kind, funny, supportive, good with the housework etc, and attractive to boot. A soulmate and otherwise great partner.

At that point I thought would you leave an otherwise great partner because he was struggling with his mental health. And then I read the post asking if he'd join OP in UK and realised it wasn't a case of just being a couple of hours away from his elderly mother - some cultures are a lot more family oriented/supportive than ours.

But sometimes it just won't work if two partners can't agree on a fundamental thing. But I'm always a bit wary of posters with no skin in the game encouraging people to split with their partner. Certainly many people stay with men who they wouldn't describe in all the positive ways OP described her partner (probs including some on this thread who've told her to leave him!).

A lot of people find unambitious men a turn off but there is often a bit of a double standard too where it's OK for a woman to never return to a career job after having kids and just spend decades working part time in a fairly low paid job, whilst a man would be slated for doing the same.

And if their partner wanted them to move away people would say he was 'trying to remove her from her support network'.

Any councillor I’ve met have said they would only see the couple, not individuals, as they get the whole picture that way.

Anyway, if it’s any help, I wrote my ex a letter, briefly saying I enjoyed the years with him, but we seem to want different things now, and asked to look after the cat, I kept it brief, without emotion. It worked. I personally think a business sounding break up is best, don’t rub salt in the wound. but I had somewhere to go admittedly, so I wasn’t staying in the family home.

best of luck Pink 💐

He was crying and it was manipulation for her to stay!!! Come on, the last few months hes not uttered one word and now the shits got real, hes panicking and turning on the waterworks!!! Come on OP see thru this act!!!!

@PinkImbrella

Don't let pity for him and the vestiges of love you feel change your mind. You do need to leave. If nothing else you need the space and time on your own to reflect and learn. Distance always needs perspective.

Remember "if you keep doin' what you're doin', you're gonna get what you've always gotten". It's time to turn the page.

Lean on your dad. You know he only wants the best for you. He'll get you through this.

A) he isn’t a woman. Women’s ambitions and job prospects have traditionally been limited, compared to that of the men in their age cohort or the men they marry. Was he prevented by misogyny and patriarchy or family frugality form leaving home and seizing his opportunities for career advancement?

B) He was not a SAH parent sacrificing his body snd work career for their joint children.

C) He was not assuming a caregiving role for elderly parents.

D) Inviting your lover to make a home in a vibrant, nearby, city is not “isolating” them from their support network. Its just an invitation to grow up and have a life.

E) This comparison is so vapid and pointless—you can’t simply invert the sexes and get a clear comparison. Men and women are different in society. Women have always been more at risk of exploitation and abuse by men than men have been by women..

Finally nothing suggests that OP’s actions or suggestions were made to a vulnerable person who was not at liberty to reject her proposals—which he did for 8 years.

Absolutely bang on pikkumyy77 👏🏻

Councillor might …the council is not likely to be involved in emotional stuff

but counsellors will if it’s just disagreements/ relationship but they won’t if it’s an abusive relationship. There’s plenty of info online on that topic

lscpbirmingham.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/Couples-Counselling-No-Place-in-Domestic-Abuse-.pdf

I had a change of heart.

Only kidding! 😅 I made it.
I was fine during the journey but when dad left to go to his hotel here and I started unpacking I just broke down.

Not sure why there is confusion about what happened with us this morning. We love each other still. We are splitting up because our lives are tugging in opposite directions - not because there's no love there. It was so sad lying in bed next to him and knowing in a few hours it would all evaporate, for both of us.

I hated seeing him cry. Ive only ever seen him cry once, in 2017 maybe, when he was grieving his dad. He was crying for the same reason I was, because we love each other and its not fair it couldn't work. He wasn't trying to manipulate me.

I wouldn't describe him as abusive, ever. He was emotionally stunted and I think what I was asking him for was beyond him. He just couldn't step up, and yes, he kidded himself and I went along with it. Neither of us wanted to face reality really.

I gave him the letter. He helped me and my dad load the car, then I kissed his cheek and that was the end of it. Im sp upset. I miss him so much. I know I'll survive but I am so disappointed and sad and its going to take time.

Thank yoi so much for supporting me.

You are so brave OP, I am only a stranger on the internet, but so proud of you

You did what you had to do ....for both of you .....

FFS literally as i sent this post, I got a message from his cousin thats really making me spin out. Will translate it for you in a bit but I dont know what to think

totally not over invested here lol .....yes update soon OP....hope its good news