I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Op did communicate she was shut down .
It takes two you know.

He probably didn’t think you would ever leave him. Now it’s him that you are. But he has done this. He could have made a compromise but wouldn’t. You have sacrificed so much it’s time you out yourself first.

The relationship could maybe continue but on your terms somewhere else.

You can know a relationship has run it's course but still be sad it's ending @PinkImbrella . He may be very upset you're leaving but he's still making no effort, still not talking. If you stay he'll just go on as usual, he's made you no promises, no compromise.
Don't drag the goodbyes out, it's only making this harder for you both

Please consider that these tears are pity for himself and those clenched fists are rage at you.

Conider how he has treated you in the last 5 weeks - its been disgusting - thats who he is.

That's what I'm trying to understand!

Have you never been through a breakup? They can be agonising. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d had sex. It’s really common to go through it all…the rows, the recriminations, the silent treatment, the tears, the shagging, the regret, the “what if I stay”. It’s a long goodbye that can be very confused and mixed up.

OP are you okay ?

Have you left now

If it feels right , offer to take him along to London/Paris/Rome/Barcelona/exciting city OP - annual one week to see his mum is enough as she has her daughters with her, she can travel to you when DC come, if you are happy with that.

No shit village/town anymore, dont back down on that OP pls

Ending a relationship can feel like bereavement, or losing a part of yourself, no matter how bad it had got.

It isn't like taking a library book back and walking away.

Of course he's upset. Up until now, he's gotten every single thing he's wanted: to be near HIS mother, HIS country, HIS family, HIS friends, HIS lifestyle, YOUR financial support, YOUR emotional support, YOUR caving in to how and where he wants to live for 8 fucking years.

Don't feel sorry for him! He has refused every single reasonable request you've made: to move somewhere fairer for BOTH of you; to take actual holidays together, to include you in his network of friends, to make his mother not be a bitch to you, and so on

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM! You are well rid of him. You're still in the FOG

I said "cant you change his mind?" and he started crying harder.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but this is the OP saying to her partner 'can't you change your mind?' - right?
It's not about changing someone else's mind?

(Assuming so), you've asked him directly, it's clear it's his choice to continue in a way that prioritises where he is/inaction on his part over making you happy.

OP seems a natural at communicating - the DP seems to resist it.

Great post and the truth.
He's crying for himself, not for you.
Remember that.

Sorry, this is just prolonging the same scenario. Pink has to suggest, to organise, do the paperwork, pay until he gets a job…. Be his surrogate mother.
This is a watershed moment, he is bringing zero to the table, just tears & recrimination

He is a manipulative prick.

It’s natural to be sad. And probably more so because you never actually stopped loving him.
But the things that made the relationship intolerable for you, are still there. You’ve now set your boundaries and you need to keep them strong.

Go today. If he really wants you then he’ll prove it with his actions and will follow you - if you still want him, that is.

It will be hard to forgive his behaviour of the last few weeks but I guess that could be worked on if he’s prepared to make the effort now. Personally I think too little, too late, but you are the one in the relationship op.

Move and see how far he is prepared to go to make things work. Just be wary that he’s not doing it purely because he’s homeless and jobless. Make sure it’s you he’s fighting for. (If he even does. Last night might well just have been him feeling sorry for himself again as pp have said)

Time heals. You will be sad for a while but soon you’ll be so pleased that you made that jump.

He's had eight years to fix this. He is feeling sorry for himself, not for you.

This too will pass.

I’ve been following your thread and woke up this morning thinking of you. I really empathise with how you’re feeling this morning but want to say that I’ve also been through something very similar and even now I look back and realise how brave it was of me to walk away from this, even if it took me too long to get there and it was painful to move away from a location where I had a job I loved.

My life changed from that point on. I enjoyed a year or two of prioritising myself and being resolutely single but then I met my future husband (who had himself exited a long term relationship for similar reasons). Thanks to our experiences we both knew exactly what we did want and were engaged within three months, married the year later and are very happy 15 years down the line.

for what it’s worth, this stranger is very proud of you, and wishes you all the very best for a happy and fulfilled future. This may hurt for a bit, but you will never regret this. ❤️

i suspect he’s realising he’s fundamentally a bit of a failure at life, and it’s all up to him now without a partner to drag him up.

This.

Perhaps its good that you saw he was sorry you were leaving. And he was finally able to express that.
But it doesn't change the situation you are both in.
You might be glad in the end for this affectionate moment. Its better than total hostility or acrimony, which may harden the resolve but leaves a bigger scar I think.
Sorry this is so hard. Harder still for you moving back to another country as it seems so final.
But the situation was no longer working for you, he finally admitted he wasn't prepared to change and there was never any attempt at accomodating your wishes or helping to make your situation a bit easier, and this huge barrier was stopping you getting on with your life.
I'm sure it feels like a loss of security and a bit of a risk, but you sound like an enterprising person, you've already sorted out initial accomodation and a new job, in a few months you will feel like it was a bigger risk to stay put and just accept a life that wasn't for you until it was too late to make changes. You've taken back decisions about your life into your own hands today.
Wishing you and your dad all the best today.

Actually, I just spotted this post and I think it does convey a lot of what you've been describing over the last few days/weeks. It reminded me of when he blurted that he'd lost his partner, his job and his home all at the same time. He didn't have to lose two of those things and he could do something about the job.. but he's adrift without his care worker.

Ouch, failure at life seems a bit harsh. Very few can be described as such. Those who have murdered, but that's about it. Life isn't always easy and we all get things wrong.

And the guilt tripping escalates. You do know these guys can switch on the tears? Mine cried buckets as we lay in bed and he denied having a gf. How could I think such a thing of innocent little him. I was The One. He’d never ever look at anyone else. He loved me sooooo much , he couldn’t bear the thought I could even consider it
He had 3 other women and it turned out , he’d booked a week, what he told me was a business trip to London, in Fuerteventura with one of them…he went too. I even took him to the airport and collected him…in the snow, in my car , having had to dig the road out myself because he had to keep his clothes tidy.

If you soften and stay for another chance, you will be back on here in the same predicament eventually

This man doesn't like change does he?

Of course he can't change his mind.

Very self centered.

Thank goodness your dad's there to keep the momentum going and get you out of there.

Agreed. His way is what he wants

After The Silent Treatment, which was supposed to make her beg forgiveness, comes the emotional blackmail.
He’s an abusive POS

She is trauma bonded , so not really clear yet. He can still push her buttons.

Be strong, OP. You will do yourself a big favour if you see through his machinations. Even if he did make a concession and you stayed, he’d punish you for it, and for daring to try to leave