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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown away 8 years of my life

988 replies

PinkImbrella · 14/06/2025 15:13

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 18/07/2025 22:00

Good luck @PinkImbrella , I think you've been very fair and dignified in your leaving. I hope you'll come back and let us know you and cat have got home safe

AlphaApple · 18/07/2025 22:22

Omg do not give him that letter. You are still utterly mired in FOG that you do not know what you are writing and you will CRINGE in 5 years time. He really does not deserve you and if he hasn’t listened and learned anything from you in the last eight years a letter will not cut through.

I am so, so happy for you and the start of your new life tomorrow. I predict great things for you. He will be a blip in your otherwise amazing life.

Idontpostmuch · 18/07/2025 23:29

I wish you all the luck in the world. It's clearly the wrong thing for you to think positively at all about those 8 yrs. We're all different and it's clearly less damaging for you to accept 8 yrs taken out of your life than trying to make peace with them. Many yrs ago I spent time in a job where I was being bullied. When it ended I was suddenly struck by the unfairness of having to go into work every day feeling sick. The only thing that safeguarded my mental health was fixating on good things to have come (indirectly) as a result of working there, as well as completely unconnected things that occurred in the same period. Otherwise I would have felt overwhelmed by the thought of wasted yrs.

CAMHShelp · 19/07/2025 00:17

Good luck tomorrow. Your thread is making me think how much I’ve wasted time too.

Tweedledumtweedle · 19/07/2025 00:20

my moneys on France , but also thinking Italy because of the mama

Original poster
PinkImbrella · 19/07/2025 05:52

Im so upset. We held each other through the night, I slept really badly. The sky was really red, he kept getting up and going downstairs, up and down again. I heard him blowing his nose, then he sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me but didnt lie down. I realised he was crying, so I put my arms around him but his whole body was hard, he had his fists clenched. I said "cant you change his mind?" and he started crying harder. Ive come downstairs. Im really really upset.

OP posts:
ThankULord · 19/07/2025 05:58

I am sorry this is so difficult for you both.

Is this your last night there? If it is not, I think you both need to stop sharing a bed. Stay somewhere else tonight.
No need to be making it harder than it already is.
Take it easy.

Horses7 · 19/07/2025 06:00

Of course you are upset, you’re only human and it’s a big emotional deal but that doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong decision.

After all he could always come with you today …. but he won’t will he?

Don’t waste any more or your life.

MerryForever · 19/07/2025 06:03

Maybe this will give him a push to move, OP? It might not be over with your relationship, just where you’re living.

rosesandkisses · 19/07/2025 06:26

PinkImbrella · 19/07/2025 05:52

Im so upset. We held each other through the night, I slept really badly. The sky was really red, he kept getting up and going downstairs, up and down again. I heard him blowing his nose, then he sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me but didnt lie down. I realised he was crying, so I put my arms around him but his whole body was hard, he had his fists clenched. I said "cant you change his mind?" and he started crying harder. Ive come downstairs. Im really really upset.

I am so sorry OP
so so sorry
I hope it all goes OK
keep is posted today for support

Kattley · 19/07/2025 06:42

Why can’t you both try couples or individual counselling? You both have issues which could possibly be solved by proper listening and communication from both of you with the help of a trained professional. If it doesn’t change anything then you both know the relationship is over.

Twiglets1 · 19/07/2025 06:46

Breaking up is so hard ... you never said you didn't love him anymore. Just that the situation had become intolerable to you and his behaviour too.

That hasn't changed and only he could change it.

I hope the day goes ok for you.

PsychoHotSauce · 19/07/2025 06:54

Try and look at this objectively OP. Imagine you were him. What are his actions telling you? The sobbing, the fist clenching, but not actually doing or saying anything.

I get you feel sorry for him and the 'us' you wanted, but realistically, his actions indicate one of two things. He's either so emotionally paralysed and stunted that you were never going to have a healthy, two-way relationship, or he's being manipulative, making sure you know how 'hurt' he is but leaving all the responsibility at your door. Either you back down out of guilt, or you still leave and carry that guilt out the door with you for a long time, and he gets to paint you as the bad guy and him the victim. There isn't a good outcome here. You tried your hardest to make this as smooth and painless as possible, and all I can picture is that gif of the young child in the pink coat lying on the floor, limbs flailing, having a tantrum. It's this helpless, woe is me performance (that IS a performance because he could easily stonewall you until you left, and then do his crying) that tells you a lot more than you realise.

If you don't believe me, imagine 'fixing' it right now just to stop you and him feeling upset. What would that involve? Not leaving, for a start. And then what. You know exactly what would happen. And you know it would take 100% of the effort from you, and 0 from him.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/07/2025 06:55

RedRock41 · 18/07/2025 17:07

Don’t send the letter ✉️ OP. End of day you are cutting ties. Words can destroy people and know it’s cathartic but as someone said by all means write it but it’s a bit rubbish to tell him in minute detail where he went wrong when it’s too late to change it. Advice for his future is a step too far. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your report card either and sometimes better just drawing a line. End of day too, you chose to stay until now. He’s lost his job, partner and house and men tend to struggle more than women in a break up. Hard as it is, be magnanimous.

I don't think that men struggle more than women in a relationship break-up. Most of them seem to move onto another relationship much faster than women do. Although it doesn't apply in this case, men also find it much easier to leave their kids.

OP's ex-partner still has the close family that were more important to him than OP and he is still living in the town that he refused to ever leave. It's OP who is having to uproot and start again.

If giving him the letter makes OP feel better, she should do it. He can tear it up without reading it if he wants.

FrogFrogFrog · 19/07/2025 07:14

I'm so sorry, Pink. You're doing the right thing, but of course it's painful - you still love each other. You'll feel much better once it's done and dusted and you're back home again.

I don't think anyone should be giving you advice on the letter. You're the one who's going through this and it's for you to decide. Do whatever feels right to you.

Take care.

Tweedledumtweedle · 19/07/2025 07:15

He has made himself miserable with his choices and he would continue to make you miserable if you stayed. It’s very sad

AlphaApple · 19/07/2025 07:29

Kattley · 19/07/2025 06:42

Why can’t you both try couples or individual counselling? You both have issues which could possibly be solved by proper listening and communication from both of you with the help of a trained professional. If it doesn’t change anything then you both know the relationship is over.

After 8 years of OP not having her needs met across all areas of the relationship, you think she needs counselling to stay? Are you insane?

Kattley · 19/07/2025 07:36

AlphaApple · 19/07/2025 07:29

After 8 years of OP not having her needs met across all areas of the relationship, you think she needs counselling to stay? Are you insane?

Show quote history

No im not insane. Learning how to communicate and listen properly is key. It’s a pity it wasn’t discussed earlier but it’s probably too late now. Too many internet strangers on MN are fully prepared to give the nuclear advice first, easy when it’s not your life.

FrozenFractal · 19/07/2025 08:05

AlphaApple · 19/07/2025 07:29

After 8 years of OP not having her needs met across all areas of the relationship, you think she needs counselling to stay? Are you insane?

Show quote history

This 👆We obviously know very little about him and it’s all from one side but I don’t think he will suddenly, after 8 years, not only agree to couples therapy but go in there and be an emotionally available, introspective participant. Crying on the bed on the last night is not fair OP and actually quite manipulative.

@PinkImbrellayou got this! This weekend will be rough but your strength, self-awareness and organisation skills are incredible.

WillaDeWord · 19/07/2025 08:13

He was that upset but still wasn't willing to take a step towards compromising?

Well done, OP. It will be hard but it sounds to this internet stranger like you have made the right choice.

cooldarkroom · 19/07/2025 08:19

Breaking up is a big heart rendering upheaval.
I feel this crying is still for himself.
Did he say, “I love you, Dont leave me?”
No, he wasn’t prepared to give any thing.
I hope he had the man in him, to let you leave quickly

JFDIYOLO · 19/07/2025 08:50

Crying with his back to you and fists clenched and still no communication?

Pleased be very very careful until you move, love. This kind of pent up rage could boil over.

I think it may not be wise to be staying there at the moment.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 19/07/2025 09:05

PinkImbrella · 19/07/2025 05:52

Im so upset. We held each other through the night, I slept really badly. The sky was really red, he kept getting up and going downstairs, up and down again. I heard him blowing his nose, then he sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me but didnt lie down. I realised he was crying, so I put my arms around him but his whole body was hard, he had his fists clenched. I said "cant you change his mind?" and he started crying harder. Ive come downstairs. Im really really upset.

I had somehow assumed you’d be staying at the hotel with your father last night, @PinkImbrella. You are putting yourself unnecessarily through torment, I understand his actions during the night have upset you, but rest assured, he is only crying for himself, because he’s lost his job, home, and easily available sex all at the same time. I don’t believe he is mourning the death of his relationship with you, or only in as much that it affects his current status.
I’m sorry if the above sounds harsh. I really do wish you well with getting yourself and your stuff and your cat out of there, quickly and in one piece and without looking back. You have a great future ahead of you, you’ve made the right decision, don’t let him pull you back in with his crocodile tears. I really hope your father has got your back right now. Flowers

Idontpostmuch · 19/07/2025 09:10

Kattley · 19/07/2025 07:36

No im not insane. Learning how to communicate and listen properly is key. It’s a pity it wasn’t discussed earlier but it’s probably too late now. Too many internet strangers on MN are fully prepared to give the nuclear advice first, easy when it’s not your life.

Edited
Show quote history

Of course @Kattley isn't insane. Many posters, like @AlphaApple seem to get something out of criticising others. It does nobody any good. I don't know why these people can't just say they disagree.

Skodacool · 19/07/2025 09:10

PinkImbrella · 19/07/2025 05:52

Im so upset. We held each other through the night, I slept really badly. The sky was really red, he kept getting up and going downstairs, up and down again. I heard him blowing his nose, then he sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me but didnt lie down. I realised he was crying, so I put my arms around him but his whole body was hard, he had his fists clenched. I said "cant you change his mind?" and he started crying harder. Ive come downstairs. Im really really upset.

How on earth did you go from yesterday 18.52 to this? I’ve read and re-read the FT. and I can’t see how you have ended up like this. Where are you going from here?