I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Op I am you but much further on in that I’ve wasted far more years. I have made plans and am moving back to the Uk in September (after18years away).

im wishing you strength and happiness in the future, as those are the 2 things keeping me going currently. Like you my husband is not a bad man, but totally selfish and focused only on his needs and desires. After so long together I am dreading the separation but weirdly very excited to be my own person again, living in a place I actually get to choose.

i have threatened sooo many times to leave - this time I mean it but I think my husband will be shocked when I actually leave. I have no choice as I gave him 6 months to change but things got worse not better.

please know that I will be willing you on to great things (from afar for now) and a life filled with joy xx

Good luck with moving on, but I agree with @RedRock41 there’s no need to leave him a letter. You’ve made your decision, leave with your head high, not leaving a ‘shit sandwich’ in your train, that just seems spiteful.

Words will not destroy this manchild. In fact it's the opposite, the letter will make him feel good because he will know he is still sucking up op's time and energy, instead of her moving on.

Dont worry about him - he has his mother, sisters, mates, and hometown that he loves. Put yourself first and in focus now. Good luck Pink !!!!! keep us posted - welcome back to the UK as your base for now , for frequent work trips back to Exciting city.

I can see why you wrote the letter having not really been listened to for years or having a chance to speak or even been spoken to towards the end. Hopefully writing the letter helped getting it off your chest. So I can see that the urge is strong and maybe that's what you want to do, to finally be heard.

But you could sleep on it and post it later, if that's what you want to do.

ATM, maybe get the packing finished and get out of there without incident or unpleasantness and without giving him the excuse of having missiles left to fire (about ending the tenancy, bills etc) things you may not have considered in the rush that may still need to be tied up.

And as people have suggested, redirect mail ( you will need proof of current address, something like a bill that you pay or their version of council tax. (depends where you are) and photo or video as you leave so no false accusations about condition.

Wishing you all the best

@thatsalad you or anyone can’t say what the impact will be. +It’s a bit daft to name call someone else’s immaturity when posting an immature response yourself. Better route is doing the kind thing where we can, not making a bad situation worse and being magnanimous if possible.

Not the #bekind nonsense, I can't

@RedRock41 ... I think you may have misconstrued @thatsalad's post.

Words will not destroy this manchild. In fact it's the opposite, the letter will make him feel good because he will know he is still sucking up op's time and energy, instead of her moving on.

I think it's pretty clear that she's agreeing that OP shouldn't send him the letter.

I also woulnt leave the letter. As then you lose control - somehow it will backfire on you - he will forever have that in his possession and could share that around your family, friends, colleagues to humiliate you - no need to ask how I know that.

Well done on getting out. Please keep extra safe for at least 6 months.

Dont be angry with yourself - your intentions were always the best - now you are aware and know you have agency which you are using.

Cheers to the best chapter of your life to come.

To be fair, I think the letter is a nice letter. The shit in the shit sandwich is me saying i felt his mum was cruel and unkind to me. Which is pretty tame really? Its not a go fuck yourself letter. In it i tell him all tje things I love(d) about him, and all the ways I tried to make it work. I asked the questions you've seen me ask in this thread - why didnt he try and make a life here feel fulfilling, even if he didn't want to move, etc etc. I tried to explain exactly how its felt for me over the years, how isolated i felt, how distressed i felt at having to constantly choose between him and feeling fulfilled. I lt was important to me to go into detail, because I feel the unspoken narrative has always been that from his community's perspective im some kind of weird SJP/HBC hybrid with silly frivolous city needs: you know, just wanting to hang on terraces, compared to his salt of the earth "reasonable" life vision.

I also listed tje mistakes i felt I had made - where I had gone wrong.

My advice was just to go to his mums, recoup for 6 months and then this time get a job that makes use of the many skills he has instead of always been undervalued in work that is beneath him. Then I said I love you and I wish you happiness in your life.

On my way to see dad :)

Good luck. You’re doing the right thing and the letter sounds very thoughtful x

Hey OP
I am the same age as you and I would be feeling the same but you are doing the right thing.

I would be fuming.
at the end of the day you did not get a flat out NO, which meant you kept holding out for hope - like so many of us do. Its entirely on him.

I have a girlfriend who is a year older than us who is in a very similar situation; and I am just waiting for the penny to drop with her and be there to support and pick up the pieces.
it is not too late to have kids.

I was involved with a guy for a year in my early 30’s and learned this painful lesson the hard way, you will never ever allow a man to waste any of your time ever again once you have expierenced this.

you are young enough to start again and you are young enough to have children - give it 3, 4 years and it may have been more difficult.

I wish you all the very best in your journey and do take care of yourself.

Great letter to leave him. I hope you and your cat find your happy place. 😊

You sound great: kind, considerate, and you have obviously been very committed to the relationship.

I feel sorry for him; because he has had someone so very much on his side for so long and he has blown it. He'll know that soon enough

Good luck @PinkImbrella . You know him best and know if the letter will do any good.

So glad you're with your dad.

You don’t have to say, but this is quintessential Italy, and I say this as someone who has lived in Italy, been in a LTR with an Italian, studied Italian etc. My exes Mum was also a rude bastard to me as well, if it makes you feel any better. And the childhood friendship groups are SO cliquey. Spero che stai bene!

Do not leave the letter.
He can no sooner control his mother than you can control the weather. Plus, from reading your posts it seems that she was widowed quite suddenly in 2016 and you wanted your STBX to up sticks and move quite soon after, in early 2017.
Grief, especially a sudden loss is like a bomb going off and the shrapnel wounds last a while, and perhaps, just perhaps if Covid hadn’t intervened he may well have been ready to leave. You’ve already said he’s basically a kind person, and his parents would have helped forge that.
Anyway, what do any of us here really know? I wish you well with your new life and adventures.

Is he a drinker? I am conscious that he was 'mature' when you met. At 35 in the type of place you describe he was probably an 'old man' - entrenched in his ways - and if he drinks the last 8 years will have just aanaesthetised him further. Really this feels like being buried alive. Good luck.

Hi there, I think you’re amazing for what you’re doing!

I think the letter sounds good. Some other poor woman is going to be with him one day and if even one thing gets through to him then maybe she will suffer a little bit less. Also I feel like with someone who stonewalls you like that it’s because they don’t want you to ever have your say, and you deserve your say.

Glad you are with you dad tonight. If you are at all worried about going back to the house tonight just kip in with your dad, or at least have him on standby. He sounds lovely and like he has your back!

Sounds like a very dignified letter, and so you have some closure. And now the next chapter begins 🙌

Location, location... location.

I could never live in a cultural desert as I love London too much. Last time I visited friends in the remote countryside (some forsaken tiny village in Dorset), I found myself asking if anyone had ever killed themselves in an Aga?

It just isn't for me.

That's a long, slow death...

I am trying desperately to figure out the country too 😂 I initially thought Poland but the mother aspect made me think Italy too.

Op, hope you're having a good trip back. I've read the thread and sounds like you've made a great decision 💖

My bets are italy too!
had one italian boyfriend and he was horrific