I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

I would not bother with leaving him the letter. Writing things down will be cathartic, but I would throw the letter out after writing it. He likely won't give a damn about things writen in the letter, because he has no emotional intelligence.

And like a true momma's boy, he thinks he is the main character and that your needs do not matter. You writing down how much him ignoring your needs has hurt you, will mean nothing to him. Waste of paper.

Yep, agreed

Good luck pink! I’m so impressed with you. I’m in a similar situation- I hate where I live. Difference is that we have kids and I don’t want to break up the family for this. Another difference is that I don’t really know where I want to live. I just know it’s not in this town. I envy you your clarity. I bet you’ll feel really good in a couple of months

How are you travelling?
Car?
public transport to ferry?
Public transport to New home?
All with cat in tow?
I don't envy you!

Car- Dad- Ferry- UK.
its all in the thread

Ooops
How did I miss that!

@DearDenimEagle @Twiglets1 Undoubtedly but I wasn't necessarily talking about her failed relationship, just about her feeling that she's wasted 8 yrs of her life. That could never be a good thing for mental health. If she's able to focus on positives, however small, such as friends she wouldn't otherwise have made, things she's been able to do that are location specific, these yrs won't seem quite so empty and she'll be in more of a position to move forward.

After that, his mother and sisters were really pissed off with me and kept saying to me "a relationship is a partnership, Pink".

yeah, where both people contribute equally to the health of the relationship. whether that's money, effort, time, energy, knowledge, experience, consideration...

there is another relationship where one party props the other up constantly, provides all the security, organisation, resources, energy and understanding for the benefit of the other - parents and children.

No she absolutely doesn’t need to.

Not sure if you’ve read all of Pink’s posts, there is nothing there for her at all.

It’s onwards and upwards and looking forwards now, not backwards.

I totally understand your logic, unfortunately and completely objectively, there was nothing for me here. I made one friend, but really more a friend of circumstance. I guess i did have a lot of quiet time where I was able to deepen some of my skills.
But as a PP said, I'm feeling quite torn up about this, so I think its better for me right now to focus on the negatives to propel myself on IYSWIM! If I try and look for the positives then it will feel harder and sadder than it needs to be. But in the future, I totally hear what you're saying - its never completely wasted time, at least we get to learn something. And believe it or not, he wasn't always a complete prick;)

So my plan was to get on with last-minute packing while waiting for dad to arrive, but i just came home and he's home. So now im going to have to tiptoe around not making too much noise while I pack. I guess i can bring all my random shit downstairs and shut the door and do it in the living room, and leave him the upstairs

@Idontpostmuch
Why would she want to think back of what was fundamentally a very disappointing time in her life for 8 years, due to an emotionally inept, selfish and manipulative man?

His family and friends didn't ever make her feel welcome or accepted. His mother is something else on another level, so exactly what would she be gaining?

Breaking up with someone after such a long time, takes serious thought and soul-searching. It's akin to going through a mourning period for someone, and that someone could have stopped it.

The last thing Pink needs to do is look back and dwell on this. There was nothing there for her at all.

Your STBXP should have gone for a gf who was just like his mum and sisters , instead of being double standarded.

What I mean here is this something us women would not do - want to date say a tycoon CEO (for eg sake using polar extremes) and then expect the CEO to hang out with my dad and bros next door who are sofa surfing weed addicts the whole day. Men can never see the paradox in this.

You are doing the right thing in leaving - remember what Matthew Hussey the relationship /dating coach always says - dont just stay for connection and chemistry - without compatibility & Commitment

I would not take him along to exciting city at this point or the UK even if he wanted to come - that is just prolonging this for another few years, then handling divorce and custody sharing between shit town and exciting city (Im picturing Paris lol). You are being the grown up here on behalf of both of you. 38 is still young for meeting someone with chemistry and compatibility and building up the connection and commitment. Leave him to his life OP.

You misunderstandmy post. Her relationship was a mistake and of course she won't want to look positively on it. But it can't be healthy to think 8 yrs of your life have been wasted.

Agree with PP , just look at the 8 years as life experience. We have many soulmates out there. You will love again and so will he. But hopefully , with people who want the same things and goals and lifestyles

You know, just looking back a bit - the illness and weight loss and anxiety, and even looking ropey now (well, you said it! 😄) - this will all be the effect of the cortisol and stress hormones swirling around as you were living the wrong life and being constantly thwarted. Stress is ruinous to the mind-body. I bet you're going to look and feel so much better once you've got through this! You'll be delighted by the improvement!

And hey, well done on not buying a house with him - you dodged one there! So look, it could have been sooo much more complicated... your inner wisdom kicked in...

And with your head clear, you may feel like starting writing again... I've been there... you'll feel better when you're back in your element... 🤗

Anyway, this is all stuff for the future. Just get through now. You can do it.

Not speaking to you for two days is awful stonewalling my ex did that to me

He also convinced me to leave my family and friends in the middle of nowhere which I agreed to when pregnant luckily we broke up just before moving or I'd have been trapped there with a baby.

38 isn't necessarily too late to have kids - download bumble today, change your location on it to London or wherever you want to move to and start swiping and set yourself up a couple of dates! My old lodger did this when she knew she was going to move up north in a couple of months and literally lined herself up a now husband even before she moved.

Focus less on the 8 years wasted (sure they weren't all bad and you'll never wonder what if about this guys) and now on the 40/50+ years ahead!

I went to get it printed out. It had to be typed because it was four fucking thousand words long in the end 🤣
I'm going to leave it for him because I do know he will read it and I spent so long not being able to speak freely.
I'm guessing he might take a brief pause in the middle section to smash a glass or something (the part where I call his mother cruel and inelegant). But i think he will keep reading once he has calmed down. I used the shit sandwich method and created headed sections (Location/My Life in Shit Town/Communication/The Future). That last section is me giving him advice for his future 😅

Why can’t you make noise? Why tiptoe? Put some loud music on and get packing with as much noise as necessary. To hell with him. What’s he going to do if you’re loud? Break up with you?

I only found this thread yesterday and I’m excited for you to be reclaiming your life.

I wouldn't be tiptoeing around the 'it's all about meeeeee, meeeee, meeeee' arsehole

Sometimes when leaving a relationship the person being left can become very unpredictable, and you can see a side to them you haven't seen before. @PinkImbrella has already said he's shown her an aggressive side despite not behaving that way previously. Judging by his recent actions I'd say she's doing the right thing. You just don't know what he might do to try and sabotage her plans, he could hide or destroy her passport for example. Best to move in silence at the present time.

True to himself, he’s come home to sulk.
Showing his mis content. He couldn't really make it easier to walk away.

Have you thought to get your post redirected ?
Take videos of the property as you have left it. In case he makes a mess/damage
Read water & elec meters

Don’t send the letter ✉️ OP. End of day you are cutting ties. Words can destroy people and know it’s cathartic but as someone said by all means write it but it’s a bit rubbish to tell him in minute detail where he went wrong when it’s too late to change it. Advice for his future is a step too far. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your report card either and sometimes better just drawing a line. End of day too, you chose to stay until now. He’s lost his job, partner and house and men tend to struggle more than women in a break up. Hard as it is, be magnanimous.

@OverheardInLidl Very true. I forgot about that.