I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Also de-lurking to wish you the very best @PinkImbrella

You’re a brave & resourceful woman.

I hope the day goes as smoothly as possible. His actions (lack of actions) & attitude since telling him you’re leaving must be helping you process that you are doing the right thing. He’s weak, you’re strong.

This is it - your last day !

I know you haven't said which country you are in, tho some have tried guessing, can I ask

is there any time difference ?
i.e. it's 10.22 am in the UK right now

why on EARTH would the Op want to do that?

Finally I know you will have thought of this, but incase you have been too preoccupied with keeping yourself safe

Don't let kitty out ! as s/he needs to be put in his/her basket for the journey and you don't have time to spend hours calling your cat in from the garden / surrounding area.

of course it may well be that kitty is already safe inside a bedroom

and bear in mind if he is home before you, he could be spiteful enough to make sure kitty isn't ready to travel.

@PinkImbrella

I ‘wasted???’ 7 years abroad and went back to the UK. Except now I don’t really see it as a waste. I learnt a lot living abroad and it’s shaped who I am.
My day of leaving was horrendous, and I’m just getting flashbacks reading your posts. My ex didn’t want me to leave, I had the removals to sort - I felt like I was leaving him destitute.
Was 20 years ago, I was mid thirties.
I have absolutely NO regrets now, it was absolutely the right thing to do for both of us.
He met someone quite quickly and had 3 kids.
I had a fertility journey but have two kids now - but even if that hadn’t happened, I have a good friend who thought she’d regret not having kids - but has the most amazing time with her step grandchildren.
Looking back, I made an enormous sacrifice to live abroad and fit in - and I always felt resentful that it wasn’t recognised by my ex. And if I’d had children with him, I would have been in a terrible legal predicament if I’d then decided to move back. I had fallen out of love with him and was just trying to make things work because I thought I’d otherwise wasted so much.
Now I don’t see it as a waste, I learnt and I have a good, happy life now!

All the best for tomorrow. Often dwelling on past life decisions is non productive. None of us have a crystal ball telling us our future, we make decisions we though right at the time, only for time and experience to tell us the opposite.

Focus on your future and the possibilities open to you. Trust me, it's not a cliché, it's the reality of moving on from a relationship that survived this long because you sacrificed part of yourself, letting it go and freeing yourself.

It’s forcing oneself to think of the better moments and ignore the bad, the red flags, is what causes us to stay in a bad relationship too long.

I think in time it's a healthy part of healing to remember the good times fondly and let go of some of the negativity.

But right now OP needs her anger to spur her on to get this thing done and move on with a sureness that she is doing the right thing.

That’s sad. LDRs are a waste if it’s expected to be forever. They fail and someone, usually the woman because she has a bio clock that might kick in, is high and dry. people get fed up with only a weekend relationship, and I know marriages where they work apart and only get together every few weeks…but that’s seen as temporary , for a better future.

And in this case, why on earth continue a relationship with a loser, who only thinks of his own wants? Wrong quote, but expand to see what the reply was for

I'm certain that PinkImbrella will be one hour ahead as most of Europe is at the moment, i.e Italy, France, Spain, Germany, are all one hour ahead, although Portugal is the same time zone as U.K.

I'm betting she's either Spanish or French.

You are a champion! A truly impressive human being! 🏆

His whole regret about this situation seems to be that he is losing his support system, the only thing that was keeping him from living with his Mammy and thus 'looking sad'... His spite and recrimination now is just impotent anger at that - even now, he's trying to blame you and taking no accountability for himself. The helplessness, too, is a ploy - it worked before, you stepped up for him. Well no more!

It's nonsense. If he'd put half as much effort into being a worthy partner to you... 🙄

Anyway, write the letter if it helps to purge, but you know he won't even try to hear it, his fragile ego won't allow it.

You've already done so much of the hard part - the decision, the planning, the taking of action. Now go forth and thrive! You deserve a life in a place, and with people, that make your soul sing!

(And shout out to your Dad and your little cat!) 😍

I'm not suggesting the OP should stay, but it must be horrible to think 8 yrs have been wasted. If she can cling to good (or less bad) times, then surely it will feel better as she moves to a new life. During the pandemic there was a lot of emphasis on 'little wins' but they didn't make anyone want to prolong the viral horrors.

I found it telling that his reaction to having to move houses is to just basically give up, to decide to sell everything and move into a fully furnished rental, at 43.

He is bemoaning the fact that he has lost everything at 43, but instead of finding a long-term home for himself, or buying his own place and having all his familiar belongings around him, he just gives up and reverts to being a 20yr old starting out with nothing. It's as if he doesn't even want to progress, just wants to stagnate and not have to be responsible for anything. If that is his attitude to life he might just as well move back in with his Mum.

Good luck with the new life Pink! You'll be able to buy your own house with a garden in time and do what you want with it. So glad you're leaving the Drip - I can't think that he should get a better name!!!

Haha, The Drip, that is the perfect name for him 🤣

Drip is the perfect name! @PinkImbrella has had enough dripping on her umbrella. Time to put it away and head for some sunshine!

Another one joining the club. I ended it with someone I've been with for 5½ year last night. The "future" with him has been slowly ebbing out like the tide for a while. I kidded myself for so long it wasn't happening and kept thinking how great it used to be and how we could get that back. I'm suddenly done. Absolutely devastated, but done. It's so fucking hard at fifty.

I wish you well OP. You sound strong and young. At 38 you'll be able to do it.

Send to his dearest mummy as well

I think this is a prime example of a poster only having read the original post.

OP, you rule!
Your life will be so much better without the Drip and his ilk in it, I wish you a fantastic summer of freedom 💐

The problem here is him not being open with you sooner, not the fact that he doesn't want to move away from his mother.
In my 20s I was in a relationship with a DP who I liked very much. But fundamentally we were different people. I was the home bird who wouldn't/couldn't imagine living away from family, and he wanted to travel and see the world, live in busy cities etc. In the end we lasted 5 years before we both saw sense, he wouldn't be happy settling down and I wouldn't be happy living away from family.
Fast forward 15 years, he's living in another country with a DP who seems to have the same love of travel as him and I'm settled down with a DW who is as home birdy as me and 2 children, 15 minutes away from the rest of my family. We're both much happier than we would have been together.
At 38 op you're not too old to have children if that's what you want. But staying with someone who is at heart so totally different to you, would just make you miserable in the long term.

Hate to say it, but he's a gaslighting, manipulative narcissist, just like his mother. The apple never falls far from the tree. I was with someone like this for 10 years, like you I moved countries for him, and ended up getting on a plane straight back to the UK with two young children in tow. I had to start all over again, I had nothing but 3 years on, me and my children are thriving. You can start again, it's not too late to have children, I had my second at 40!

Being in that particular ‘club’ is a very lonely and sad place, even on the most beautiful of days, there’s always a shadow that never goes away.

Thinking of you, your Dad and your lovely cat, sailing away on the Ferry to a new future.
Wishing you all the very best.

Just imagine if you'd stayed and had to turn down that new job
He comes across as so incredibly selfish. Even his heartbroken comment was selfish because he was heartbroken about the disruption this causes to himself.
You took care of and managed almost everything in his life because he just couldn't stir himself to.. and once again he hasn't stirred himself to pursuade you to stay. He hasn't done anything to make arrangments for himself and he can't even make himself responsible for coffee. You were right when you said he's like a 20 year old.
One thing that really got me was his outburst about needing to be near his remaining parent and you'd understand that one day - when you have lived in a different country from your parents for 8 years...longer than you ever thought you would - because of him stalling (lying) about your future.
That really illustrated that he is the centre of his very very small universe. You are well rid.