I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

"a relationship is a partnership, Pink".

Oh the irony. I hope you replied "yes, exactly".

He is basically intellectually inferior to you. Lots of bravado to cover up, but basically, frightened of anything new.
Comfortable in his childhood balloon.
In a rural community where outside stimulation like cities, strange food, new places & culture are all superfluous to having a job (tick), having independent housing (tick) & having a compagnon (tick) To the outside world it looks like he has achieved a comfortable standard life. The strict minimum.
Be thankful you have no children with this emotionally stunted man
He will tread water for the rest if his life.

He was never going to take any responsibility for driving you to this point of desperate disappointment with his inertia.
You need & deserve more.
Roll on Dad arriving, shed those Closure tears, then soar !

Try not to think about the time you wasted. Think about what you stand to gain now.

How awful to have signed for the house and then lost it because his affairs weren’t in order. I hope you didn’t lose money.

Are you sure that notice has been given to the LL. You should have done it personally so you don't get stiched up on the future. You need to end your liability. Also, make sure you take all the meter readings and inform the relevant utilities, local authorities etc. Don't leave yourself liable or on the hook for anything. Also. Redirect your ail if that's a thing where you are and change your driving licence etc.

@EggCustardTartt
Have you read all of Pink’s threads?

He has stubbornly dragged his feet regarding moving away from his mummy and on every other level for 8 years.

Im sorry to hear that. Is it a location thing with you guys or a general life thing or...? No worries if you dont want to share. All I can say is that constant mental loop is a lot more tiring and upsetting than the intense pain of letting someone you love go. Because in these situations, we find ourselves faced with an impossible conundrum. Its like a riddle that cant be solved, and it takes so much emotional energy to try and live your life while also knowing there's a very big part of the picture thats wrong. You spend so much time turning the problem over and over in your head looking for solutions when you know deep down they are all flawed. Its hard because it requires lying to yourself. If youre anything like me, you probably wake up in the morning with a vague sad feeling - the feeling that youre not really being true to yourself. That can really eat away at a person. X

So he’s not upset he’s losing you. He IS upset he’s losing face. And it’s all your fault HE couldn’t get his act together.

Back with mummy is what he deserves.

I think it’s telling that he ended up single, jobless and homeless simultaneously.

Sounds hard, but try not to focus on what was bad. Force your mind to think of the better monents.

OP, I think you've been amazing and look forward to hearing about the next chapter for you and your cat!

The reasons people tolerate abuse is complicated. I think you could use some counselling for yourself, you sound like you have been completely unsupported for years, once you get out of there and can start your new life, maybe you should talk to someone about it all.

I also think you should send him a link to this thread, once you're gone. He won't admit anything or accept anything, but it might be nice to have the last word, for once and let him know what an absolute arsehole he truly is in most peole's eyes. Maybe that's just me.

There is a way you can keep your relationships. You could move somewhere that you're happy with and he could stay where he is and you could visit each other at weekends. This is something a work colleague did. He lived in London and she was in Cardiff. I still remember how excited she would get on Friday because she would be seeing him.

He’s right. He’s not a mind reader. Nobody is. That’s why we talk about things, rather than flouncing off to our rooms and ignoring people for days on end.

You should write all of the above in a farewell note for him - so that he can read it over when you're gone. Just in case he's in any doubt (denial). Good luck for the future 👍

"The divorce came out of nowhere"
Him telling his family and friends.

I have finished my work for today and im now going to my dad's hotel to sit in the lobby and write him a letter. I spent so long self-censoring because of fear of silent treatment or kicking off, even yesterday I had to bite my tongue. Im going to leave it with the key next to the COFFEE machine.

This has taught me a few other things.

1. Ive met so many middle aged men in pubs and bars with "crazy" exes. Yeah. Now I know.
2. Ive often heard men describe women as manipulative or deceitful. Again, now I know: fear of physical retaliation requires us to develop strategies.

Keep a copy of it, he will likely chuck it away in temper.

Hello Pink. All the very best to you.

There will be attempts to guilt trip you by this man (and his people) - who has apparently a chunk of lovely redundancy money, is still fairly young and has all the time to create a business, get some training, find a new job in his OWN country, his own language, near his people. A man whose mummy (apparently the single most important woman on the planet) will no doubt welcome him 'home' and baby him for eternity.

We are not their mothers.

You haven't wasted those 8 years - you grew and stretched and developed a clear understanding of your own boundaries, your own self worth. You evolved the strength to state your case, to find the words to express your feelings and your needs. He didn't. You're incompatible.

Once you've made your statement to him, don't get drawn into the to and fro, recriminations, whataboutery. Let it be.

Keep us posted. Please write your book!

De-lurking to wish you the very best OP!

If you ex-DP had any emotional intelligence he would understand how truly he fucked up. But sadly he never will.

You sound like you were so easy to love.. it's his loss. Onward and upwards!

You are resilient and a doer - you have been proactive in sorting out your new life in a new place. He has just sat, wallowed, and done nothing but try to blame you for 'his' situation. I wish you all the very best - safe travels for you and your cat - and please do keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

So excited for you OP! Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Book yourself that trip to Greece, start taking Biotin (vitamin B7) for your hair and start living your full life
Well done for bring brave. There will be so many women reading this hoping they will manage to do the same one day.

Congratulations and welcome to a new chapter of your life. Things will be hard at times but I bet that you will never regret taking back control of your life

Wishing you the very best

I think you'll start feeling so much better in yourself once you're on solid ground, in a calm and comfortable place. Time to start caring for yourself - ALL the products 🤗

So pleased for you.
Keep us updated if you feel like it.
Wishing you the best.