I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Found it! 🤓

"You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right, then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better, baby, on your own"

Express yourself, Madonna

I wish I was you. I wish I had wasted only 8 years with my ex, leaving me free to meet my amazing dh. I’m pretty sure one day you’ll feel similar.

Just wanted to.repeat this.

Did he ever think about how to make you happy?

No he clearly didn't. I developed panic disorder and phagophobia due to the combination of this refusal to move situation and lockdown. It lasted years and he never tried to help me, it was awful. I don't know why he didn't. Even when i lost 10 kilos and couldn't eat any solids. Now that I think back to it, it's insane. How could he just sit there and watch that happen and how could I just let that happen to myself? I'm sure over time I'll be able to unpick how all this came about. Right now I'm just thinking I only have another full day left here. Once I'm physically out of here like you guys say, I think I'm going to be able to bounce back very quickly.

Thanks so much for keeping me company today 🌻

His reaction is all about him. He has obviously spent the last eight years thinking about how your objections have affected him, rather than both of you, or you.

But, and this is really important for your self worth, he never discussed that with you, never checked in, and assumed that you staying meant agreement. So when you finally said you were done, he was "blindsided". No he wasn't.

He had what he wanted and the moment you enforced a reasonable boundary, he was upset about what it meant for him.

He's not even prepared to move in with his mum and this is apparently all your fault.

He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and accuses you of ruining his life. It's as if you are the person responsible for his happiness.

And we know this is not true.

He has drifted, refused to make decisions, assumed your acquiescence is your consent and when you have exercised your boundaries he's like an incapable child whose toys have been unjustly taken away.

This is all on him.

Stay strong.

Live your life.

Fuck him. (But not literally.)

You are amazing.

You’ll soar without the deadweight of him pulling you down.

This. He’s only ever moved backward, you’ve driven him forward and now he is stuck having to try and look like a functioning person on his own, while you get to fly without the dead weight. I’m shocked he won’t just move in with his mummy though 😁

The one line in his whole tirade that stood out for me @PinkImbrella was the one about always being on the backfoot and not knowing when you'd light a fire under him _ he knew, he's known for ages, that one day you would have had enough and you'd leave, it was just a matter of time. He knew and he did nothing to stop it happening so now you owe him nothing. Sleep well, your Dad will be there tomorrow and you'll nearly be gone

I bet he will go to his mum's. It'll be 'just for now' which he'll say for two or three years at least. There was a character like this in a Howard Jacobson novel of yesteryear who had a flat with no phone, no TV, etc because he 'wasn't staying' though he'd moved in five years ago.

@MumsiesF yabu not to start your own thread.

you’re being too nice and too considerate.

don’t have any more conversations back and forth justifying your position, it’s done.

plus you know he’s lied because of what his cousin said to you, you know he’s already trying to push a fake narrative about you. So nothing you say will change the course he decide to take, so don’t engage with it anymore.

and block him first when you leave. Especially on social media

Start a poll?

Morning all!
This time tomorrow, i should be in a car with the wind in my brittle hair, heading for the Channel.
Today I need to do some work, finish packing and pick up a thank you present for dear old dad.

The thing that has killed us IMO is his passivity.
I said countless times - we should go out to eat more, we should go to some of the local bars more, we should go on holiday to X or to Y. It never happened. Or when it did, I had to make it happen. I know he was always broke, but what about just a weekend camping?
I remember a month or two ago I had a particularly striking hour where I thought "what the fuck?". I said (for like the third time) that we should really look into going to Greece in the autumn, I've never been before and would love to. He said "yeah, we'll get around to it". It was never "yeah! Let me get a glass of wine and maybe we can start looking at places". Right after the Greece thing, I suggested we have a BBQ at ours (for HIS people, obviously) for a big yearly event that happens here and he said "let's see". Then I suggested checking out this new restaurant that had opened that evening and he said "not feeling it tonight". That all happened in the space of an hour, and i just thought what's the fucking point.

We had an argument a year ago when he told me having sex twice a week wasn't enough andbI clearly told him that for me to have more sex I have to actually feel desired and excited. I explicitly told him for me that would involve going out more and doing more stuff together. That never ended up happening.

I also tried to buy a house here. I found the house, signed the paperwork (he was there). This was a few years ago. At the time he was self employed and didnt have his accounts in order so he couldn't get a mortgage with me. He wanted to give me some deposit money and go on the deeds. I ended up pulling out because I thought to myself "why would I buy a house in a place I hate with a guy who cant be bothered to have the right paperwork?". After that, his mother and sisters were really pissed off with me and kept saying to me "a relationship is a partnership, Pink".

Finally: citizenship. The process to get citizenship here is batshit, its not just about doing your years, you then also have to wait years after you've done your years to get an appointment and have your paperwork processed. I got my nationality as if I were a complete lone ranger, despite having been with him for a long time. We could have got a civil partnership or married and it would have sped things up for me considerably. At the time, I pointed that out in an argument. Marriage was never a big deal to me, but I have mentioned it a few times to him, so he knows its something he could have done.
Its something he could have done that would have showed commitment and care with no personal or financial cost to him. But he didnt.

I guess im writing all this down to show that it was about more than just location. If his family had been warm to me, if he had asked me to marry him and stepped up to get us sorted with a house, if he had put a bit of effort into finding fun things for us to do locally and been proactive about going on holiday, I think that would have been enough flr me.

Even now - its very passive. He still has his pay slips, he's still employed on paper. He has just under 2 weeks left where he can still show the last 3 months employment. So find a place tomorrow, and if the sticking point is double rent, ask friends or family to sub you.

Another option - you're heartbroken and your work is ending. So say to me: "im all over the place but I cant bear to see you go. Let me come and crash with you for a month while I get my head straight" and get jn the car with me and dad.

Another option - "Fuck it. Is there still time for you to change your mind? Lets go to [amazing city in his country]. Im okay with giving it a year as a trial".

Don't worry guys, I know it's for the best now that I just crack on and I'm not hoping any of those scenarios could or would have happened, im just saying from the start I think the problem hasn't really been the location per se.

It depends how much it is, but if its not a huge amount and other family members are also chipping in, your mum could contribute and say that thats her birthday present to her sister.

How old is his mum? It sounds like he's waiting for her to pass or reach the stage of going into assisted living. That could be why he was never able to give you a concrete date.

My mother (in her 70s) was the same. Wanted to be able to go around when my gran (now 96!) needed help, but with her just having moved into a care home and having assistance on hand my parents are finally talking about downsizing.

Just read your updates. If he's depressed and possibly knew he was going to lose his job then it sounds like he was maybe staying near his support network - rather than potentially moving and losing his job.

You will soar once you've gone. I left my marriage and the prick I was married to and I am doing amazingly well. He's not. Well, he is better now he's got a new woman. I did all the selling of the house, parenting, animal care and moved 200+ miles away on my own all while dealing with the shock and devastation at what had happened with my now that ex h. You'll be fine!

I’ve just read your thread and wanted to wish you all the very best for the move.

isn’t it just awful how communication becomes so difficult in relationships? Your dp will really regret what he’s put you through over this last few weeks.

Just came across this thread and I wanted to say how strong you are for leaving.

I am in a similarish situation with my DP where I can see the writing on the wall, I know what he is telling me (even if he is not saying it outright), but I'm too scared to properly hear it, so I have been ignoring it and hoping he changes.

The thread is making that writing even clearer. I know he's not going to change. I just need to find the strength you've found to leave and start over.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your new life :)

You could have worked harder to help us create a local community that was joint" and he said "Im not a mind reader".

I hate that 'mind-reader' crap; it's so disingenuous.

From earlier in the thread:

He said no, because he already knew he would feel "isolated and lonely". I said "you know that's how I've been feeling for eight years, right?" and he said yes.

So, he didn't need to read your mind to know that. He knew full well and didn't care.

I’ve just caught up on the last 2 pages of your updates. Wow!

I find it crazy (and annoying) how he is playing the victim. He has clearly ignored the things you have clearly communicated to him yet acting shocked now you’ve decided to leave him!!!

He isn’t a mind reader, yet wouldn’t talk to you. Plus there was no need to read your mind if he had actually heard what you were saying to him.

He is such a selfish man. Even when he has finally spoken it’s all “ me me me me me”

I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you. And as you said, all it would have taken was something in him to fight for you and he hasn’t even done that.

He is over 40 and he’s a pipe and slippers man. He basically doesn’t want to do anything, but wants a woman in his home he makes no effort for who provides care and sex.
You are adventurous and full of spirit and all of that has been pushed aside for years to try and make this work. It never stood a chance.
Even if he was the nicest guy in the world, which he’s not, you are too different. In that you are a fully formed adult.
He’s not going to be on the streets, he can live with his mum. He’s in his community.
Think of your lovely dad who is coming to help, provide care and moral support as well as practical assistance. He’s older than this man, and yet is on his way at the drop of a hat. This man should be ashamed of himself.
Yes, you will feel sad but you are free. Free to explore life and the world. At last.
Get yourself settled, buy a really nice deep conditioning treatment for your hair, or go to the hairdresser for it, and then life begins.

It seems he was just happy to coast along not putting in much effort. He’ll be one of those who will say that he didn’t know what he had until it was gone.

He’ll be regretting his inaction/passivity for sure.

OP take ge TV stand and TV just like he suggested. Two less things for you to buy.

Oh and good luck. You're nearly there!