I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Agree with not asking him anything. You will become overly invested and guilted if only by your own self, due to your long entanglement, and get sucked back in. Just grey rock all conversation. You are actually breaking up right now, I wouldn't even be sitting in the same room because I wouldn't want to invite conversation. Ask yourself, why is he NOW designing to speak to you? Because he is worried about himself. He's not asked ONCE where you're going. He couldn't care less. You too need to care less.

'but at least he seems fairly calm.
I think everything is going to be okay'

do not let you guard down !

what are you both going to sit on tomorrow night ?

and when does your dad arrive ?

Really really struggling today, now all my bravado has gone and I just feel so incredibly sad and on edge. I had to take a sedative as I thought I was about to faint, now im going to be slowed down today when I have so much to be getting on with.
The movers come in 4 hours and Im giving them 3 boxes which I havent packed. I have a deadline at the end of the day, its 4 hours work and I havent even started.
Im looking at this beautiful garden filled with all these amazing trees and flowers and thinking about how shit the place im going to is in comparison. Im thinking about how he has acted like such a prick this past month and how he has been so selfish throughout the relationship, but also how close we were and how at ease I felt with him. I just feel so much regret. I wish I could be the kind of woman who would just be happy with this. Don't worry im not getting cold feet but I just feel so heartbroken and lost.

I also look like shit. My face seems to ne all saggy and red, my hair is really dry and lank, ive got a huge fucking belly, probably too much wine and stress. God 😅

I really feel for you. At least you realise to carry on as things were, you'd have to be a lesser woman than the amazing one you are.

It'll feel weird as hell but I think you will be fine. Think how excited you were about that job. You get to live!

These are normal feelings OP. You're feeling sad at the life you could have had, if he wasn't such a selfish wanker. Remember that beautiful garden though, because it will represent something you loved that was rotten underneath - your relationship. You will ultimately be happier, even if it isn't the life you thought you would have.

Thanks crew 🥹
Im feeling more in control now I've moved the stuff thats ready into the hallway and have packed one box
Im going to text him at lunch saying ive had some of my stuff out in storage and that my dad is arriving ready for us to go on Saturday (being deliberately vague to suggest dad might be coming today - he really loves and admires my dad, I doubt he would kick off too badly re the couch if he thinks my dad is in town)

I'm half expecting him not to say a word about the couch, or anything at all about you leaving. Then one evening, you'll get a Whatsapped photo of him 'having to' sit on the floor to watch TV. 'Can't believe you just left me like this, without a couch. You wouldn't even give me the decency of talking to me before you took the couch!'

You'll laugh about this one day, I promise!

It's natural to have some regrets @PinkImbrella , 8 years is a long time and it's been your home. I put down deep roots so I feel sad when I move house, it means you have had some happiness there even if you need to move on now.

Dont sweat it over the couch. He said just yesterday he was planning to flog his stuff & go furnished, you actually a doing him a huge favour !
sofas are 10 a penny on “le bon coin”
(Im guessing you’re in France?)
There was a great Blog at one point about the life & lost loves of an English girl living in Paris, the French life, her daughter, her work, the misogyny, called “La Petite Anglaise”, She got sacked because her employeur didnt approve of her blog.
She won, I believe, her counter attack against them. See fb.
She wrote a book later….

Good Luck today, & big hug for your Dad

Put it into perspective the house and garden is not yours. The land lord owns it and if he decides to sell up tomorrow then you have no choice but to leave. There is a reason why your partner is now your ex he has no ambition.

Dont sweat it over the couch. He said just yesterday he la was planning to flog his stuff & go furnished, you’re actually doing him a huge favour !
sofas are 10 a penny on “le bon coin”
(Im guessing you’re in France?)
There was a great Blog at one point about the life & lost loves of an English girl living in Paris, the French life, her daughter, her work, the misogyny, called “La Petite Anglaise”, She got sacked because her employeur didnt approve of her blog.
She won, I believe, her counter attack against them. See fb.
She wrote a book later….

Good Luck today, & big hug for your Dad

Dont sweat it over the couch. He said just yesterday he was planning to flog his stuff & go furnished, you’re actually doing him a huge favour !
sofas are 10 a penny on “le bon coin”
(Im guessing you’re in France?)
There was a great Blog at one point about the life & lost loves of an English girl living in Paris, the French life, her daughter, her work, the misogyny, called “La Petite Anglaise”, She got sacked because her employeur didnt approve of her blog.
She won, I believe, her counter attack against them. See fb.
She wrote a book later….

Good Luck today, & big hug for your Dad

Sorry multiple posts, wanted to edit. App bugging

Yeah and he'll send that pic to all of his family. Look what she's done to me (sad face)

Look how far you've come in a month and three days!

I know it's hard and sad, but you have achieved so much already and you are beginning a new life.

Well done, you!
Forwards ❤️

Try to drink water and flush out your system. Your poor, charming, loving man was literally shriveling on the vine like an old pumpkin that can’t be picked ir an old apple high up on the tree. He’s never going to ripen. He’s passed his peak. You, on the otger hand, are having a tough time over the bext few days but you are going to reclaim your life and your body (and your hair!) and bounce back.

Its fine to worry about the couch. Pointless but fine. He isn’t going to notice. Or he is going to complain about something else. Or just avoid until you are gone.

Wow, have just read this thread from the beginning, and wanted to say you are one hell of a woman Op, even if you don't feel it at the moment. Look what you have achieved in a few weeks, organising a new home in a different country, sorting out removals/storage and your cat vaccinations, oh and a fabulous new job as the cherry on the cake.

Wonderwoman is what you are. Don't worry about the hair and your skin, firstly I'm certain they are not as bad as imagine and secondly these things are temporary. Once you are in your new flat with your new job and the support of your friends in the new city, you will feel like a weight - a gigantic millstone if you will, has miraculously disappeared. You are so close and your Dad will be there tomorrow, so just do one job at a time today and don't worry about the old sofa surfer, he can find another chair or go lie on the bed.

The delivery guys came. Its at times like these that I think to myself "actually, its a good job we have men around", as they whisked that shit off in 5 min flat.
I chose that storage company because they also deliver across Europe so im hoping next summer I can buy a place and just get the same outfit to deliver it straight from storage to me in the UK :)

I texted him about removals plus dad and he said "your dad? Really? What time is he arriving?"

I dont want to say anything more until I see how he reacts to The Couch Situation.

'Oh not sure depends on the roads / traffic / flight or ferry arrivals' .Just hedge. It's not as if he felt obliged to keep you accurately updated on all his doings.

OP, it’s your couch, you bought it with Your salary. You can di what you want.
You no longer need to be oppressed by his wants & requirements.
Its like the coffee. “There’s no coffee”… and ?
I’m guessing he knows where the shop is ?

This. And I hope he’s going to feel incredibly awkward around your dad, a man he likes but who’s daughter he’s given the silent treatment for over a month.

Maybe he'll be glad of a chance to say goodbye to your Dad if they get on OK, maybe he's hoping your Dad will convince you to think again about leaving.

So he has realised your dad is arriving today - judging by him asking what time ?
He will be mentally prepared for your dad to be there when he gets home from work.

Just to say, Brexit made no difference to importing pets. UK is rabies free and has always required a rabies jab with 21 days afterwards before entry. There’s no way being in or out of the EU would change that. Rabies will not be risked and never was.

Grieving the loss of a long relationship is normal but I am sure you will be glad when it’s over. It’s not as though you are leaving something you owned and you look on the next step as temporary, a prelude to better things.

Dont reply, your Dad is here to help his daughter leave. Not for a jolly family visit