I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

I'd say great answer but until the OP is away and safe, if I was her I'd be being really careful to keep the peace for my own safety (and the cat).

Op
At least with this carryon, it must make your decision seem more and more the right one.
You sound super capable and amazing, I'm wondering how you put up with him for so long. The non moving part is the least of his issues it seems.
Some one like you will thrive in a new place, organised, capable and assertive , he on the other hand will absolutely be living with his mother for the rest of his life with his mw job.

He's make this all about him (poor me), without a thought as to his contribution to his situation. At least you don't have to tiptoe, but please don't feel guilty.

Remember he has mummy dearest

This morning he had the complete fucking gall to say: "there's no coffee left?"

There were 3 capsules, I had 2 and left him 1.

I said "did you not have one?"

He said "well yeah but....shrug"

Um. How about you buy your own fucking coffee?! 😅 Jesus...

Just dropped off some books at a cafe run by a really nice man

What annoyed me about that interaction is he knows there's none. Its not like we have a habit of randomly stashing coffee in interesting places. So he was just making a point?

He still doesn't know the movers are coming tomorrow

Op, you really should not be paying double rent to facilitate this ahole, You are way too nice. The most important woman in his life can help him with the rent if he's short

I can’t tell you how much I love you for your reporting style. You are an absolute legend! I can not wait for you to find your freedom. Get out safe, soon, and with style. I dream that you turn the entire experience into a smashing one woman show and put it on at the Edinburgh festival.

Yes. What he meant was "why didn't you buy more coffee?"

I know you're still trying to do the decent thing and take the high road or whatever, but can you reassess your plans re paying rent etc objectively? Two lists. What you're currently planning to do, and what you'd ideally do if you only had yourself to think about.

I think there's significant wiggle room to adjust each step that makes the process easier for you, whilst still remaining true to your values. Find a middle ground between the two lists iyswim.

What does he imagine, that you’ll just leave with the clothes on your back and a small backpack and let him have everything else that belongs to you? Has he even inquired where you’re going?

@PinkImbrella

Remind me again, why are you paying the double rent? I sure wouldn't.

He is still expecting you to be his mummy and look after him - make sure coffee fairy fills up the pods.

Yet he was totally content for the past 8 years despite knowing you were unhappy.

He's really selfish.

If he makes another inane comment like that, say, 'oh so you noticed then?'

I hope you're properly getting the ick with this twat @PinkImbrella

The only thing he cares about is the inconvenience to himself. He is insolvent, immature and entitled. SOOOO unattractive.

Your sound brilliant, and have managed to end your relationship and figure out a new life for yourself, across the channel. You're also doing him a favour by moving out, he wil have to sink or swim, he will be just fine, don't you worry.

I agree you shouldn't be paying double rent, that's just insane, you've given him plenty of notice.

It's hard sometimes to remember that this prince of a man is 43 !!!

Re the double rent: its nothing to do with helping him out but fulfilling my obligations to the LL.
In this country we are required to give 3 months notice - I wanted to move out sooner but thats on me. As I said in an earlier post, I've always been able to move out and stop paying earlier because I've lived in cities with fast turnover/high demand, so there was always the next tenant hot on my heels and ready to move in ASAP. But there's no guarantee of that here.
I do think my ex could have got his arse into gear and there would have been a possibility we would have been cut loose from the tenancy agreement earlier, but considering its a slow place, its equally possible nobody else will take over the tenancy. So really its right that I pay my half of the rent through the notice period as standard.

I won't pay for the extra weeks where he dragged his heel with the notice though, and he agrees.

Haha thank you my dear! 🤩

I used to have an agent, until my book didnt sell and she dumped me 😅 I am toying with the idea of turning it all into a novel as there's quite a lot of incredibly fucked up back story/twists and turns (we originally met in 2011) - so might find a readership with anyone who likes stories of vagabonding, domestic seething and being sectioned 😆

So he's come home and told me he's tired, and has bought us a Subway. I can't believe he actually decides to break his silent treatment when I tell him I'm leaving? 😅 Okay then...

I'll tell him about the couch tomorrow.

Update: I asked him straight up where he was going to live and he said he had no idea. I said if I were him I would go to his mums, just to take the pressure off and be able to take some time to think and he said "Im not 18, I'm 43, I cant go backwards I have to go forwards". Fair enough. He said he is going to try and find a furnished place and sell all his shit.
That makes me feel better about the couch situation.
I think he's coming out of his slump a bit because he has a face like a slapped arse but at least he seems fairly calm.
I think everything is going to be okay

A subway, he knows how to turn a girl's head @PinkImbrella

He had me at Melt™️...

Don't fall for this slight change in demeanour. You're not safely away yet.

A comedian, think he was called Jeff Green, had a line about a woman telling a long tale of all the selfish unkind things her boyfriend had done, and then saying 'but he did buy me a KitKat last February' and deciding she was being too harsh on him. Don't let the Subway be your KitKat!

Is he asking where you will go, what your plans are, how you will manage? So don't bother asking him. He's 43. He can and should look after himself. And you are no longer responsible for making his life comfortable. Leave him to sort it out. It's what he wanted.

God, what a pathetic, passive low value male he is. Well rid, OP.

That’s hilarious! He can’t go backwards, only forwards - but forwards to where? Five minutes away from mummy? Ten? Because he can’t actually exist outside a five mile radius of where he grew up, but to move back in with his mother would be … what? Childish?!

You’re doing brilliantly, OP. Write that book, I’d buy it 😉

Agree with not asking him anything. You will become overly invested and guilted if only by your own self, due to your long entanglement, and get sucked back in. Just grey rock all conversation. You are actually breaking up right now, I wouldn't even be sitting in the same room because I wouldn't want to invite conversation. Ask yourself, why is he NOW designing to speak to you? Because he is worried about himself. He's not asked ONCE where you're going. He couldn't care less. You too need to care less.