I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Because progress is scary. It's letting go of the 'known' and stepping into the 'unknown'. Even when we know we don't want the 'known', it's still familiar to us. And familiar feels safe (even when it's not).

It's kinda like that first jump off the high dive. You want to jump so bad, yet you stand there 'up so high' scared shitless. You know you have the swimming skills to be safe. You know once you hit the water you'll feel proud and the water will be refreshing. But you're still scared. So what do you do? You screw up your courage, ignore the fear and you just JUMP. You hit the water and you're where you want to be.

You're on that high dive right now. But you'll jump in soon enough. And you'll be just fine.

Beautifully put, @AcrossthePond55 🌺

Yes. @AcrossthePond55 has been so helpful and heartwarming from the start, and very eloquent to boot 💐

A list of stuff I am leaving here, which I bought, to be deducted from the rent due. I will edit this post as things come to me. Just a reminder to myself.
New mattress
Washing machine
TV
Hoover
Kettle
Toaster
Printer
Desk lamp

Why?
Why are you leaving those things?

If you really really are leaving them because it's more convenient to you/ want to get nice new ones, ok.
But if you're doing it for him, don't!!!!

You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel a little edgy - you’re closing a chapter of 8 years of your life and starting afresh.
You really are doing the right thing, keep strong and don’t look back….. a new happier life awaits!

I've just found your thread and read all of your posts OP. I wish you the best with your move. It's crazy how people can just switch and become like a totally different person, makes you wonder which one is their real personality, if any?

Its more convenient! Those things are relatively low value, have european plugs, take up car and storage space. They are still things I will have to rebuy at some point and which he doesn't, so adding them to the tally!

I also think it’s normal to get edgier the closer the event comes. Like Christmas. Little kids can be quite chill about it on December 1st but then on Christmas Eve they’re literally sick with excitement.

If it was me Id take the printer,(or at least the ink !) because it will be an inconvenience & he probably wont know how to set up a new one !
& put the kettle in the recycling. ( because of the plug issue) again, as a goodbye gift

Yes, and don't get bogged down by inconsequential items. Take only what is important. If you had time, you could pull an FU move and donate all the other items just to inconvenience him (not saying I'd do it mind you). 🤭
But, the most important thing is to get out safely, even if that means leaving everything.

@PinkImbrella take the kettle lead. take the water hose off the washing machine! take the printer cable. those things dont take up much room but will seriously inconvenience him!! cut the cables off everything else at the point where they enter the machines. pour two pints of milk onto the middle of the mattress. it will stink!!

You're about to leave a situation you have been in for 8 years, of course you are edgy, it wasn't great and you weren't happy but it was stable and predictable.

You have actually begun to accept it now, before you still somehow believed he would do the right thing. You've also finally realised he is not a good man, not at all. He is nice when he gets things all his own way no matter how miserable that makes you and controlling and stonewalling when you dare to ask him to consider you and keep his word.

The reality of your situation has sunk in, no wonder you are feeling anxious. Well done on finding your anger, you WILL be happier, but it will take time, you have to get through the difficult stuff first.

So I went against all your advice 😅 Sorry! Its just I had a full.blown panic attack this morning and I realised not telling him is actually causing me more stress and anxiety than dealing with any potential fallout.

So I said "just to let you know, im leaving on saturday".
He said "okay then".
Then there was silence and ai said "why havent you spoken to me in 5 weeks now?"
He said "im just a little bit heartbroken".

Then he left for work.

It really is all about him isn't it? Keep your head up OP, you're nearly there now.

Talk about playing the victim. Always remember that he's choosing to give you the silent treatment - whether that's because he's emotionally stunted or punishing you (or both), it's not the only option. He could be 'heartbroken' and not behave like this. If he wanted a different outcome, he'd do something. As it stands, he's punishing you and playing the 'poor me' act. Makes me sick tbh.

And don't ever apologise for not doing as MN says! The advice is (mostly) sound, but it has to actually fit with your personality and what you're comfortable with. Going against your values because strangers on the internet said so and giving yourself panic attacks won't help anyone.

By the way, is he too heartbroken to eat the cooking you're still doing for you both, or is he somehow managing to get it down? He is obviously too heartbroken to do his own washing though can still put it in the machine.

He’s not heartbroken.

Not so heartbroken that he'll try to meet you halfway Op. Three days and your Dad will be there, four days and it's all over. Keep going Op

Yes I agree. If he were that heartbroken he could have followed up on his Shit City proposal and tried fighting his case when I got back from my trip.
Its all extremely passive

If he were thatvheartbroken, when I got back he could have got down on one knee and proposed, showed me better jobs he's looking at in the Shit City, and given me a pitch.

Because its not JUST about location. One of the things that always bugged me is: okay, suppose we go with your kind of small town vibe. How come we never got married? Had a kid? Bought a house here? Classic stuff. Can you believe we've only been away on holiday once in all our time together? Any weekends away were organised by me. I guess what im saying is there could have been more scope to feel fulfilled here if our life had maybe been a little bit richer. A month or so ago, he said a propos of nothing: "I really fucked up workwise". As in, he's a very smart capable man with a lot of different skills, but has always just rolled from one minimum wage gig to another.

There was actually a lot of room for him to have tried to shift my focus away from location by creating a setting here that mitigated my misgivings. But as it is, its like he basically wanted to just carry on living an extension of his life at 20, which left me with not much choice but to look outwards for fulfillment. Hopefully that makes sense.

Correct. He’s not heartbroken. It’s a ploy to guilt trip you . It’s all about him. He sounds just like my ex but a bit less verbose about his heartbreak ..mine added tears and some begging. Offered me the sun ,moon and stars to stay, but that did not make it any more true.
If yours did start begging and offering what you want, he would not mean it. It’s all just smoke and mirrors to get their way a bit longer.

Keep strong OP - you’ll be better off without this man-child in your life. He won’t change.

He would zap the oxygen out of anyone.

Well done for maintaining your spark, being true to yourself, and having the guts to go.

He came home, all calm. He even told me he was going to fetch a signed for letter from the post office which is unusual given he hasn't spoken to me in so long.

I saw the letter, its the official redundancy letter. Hes being made redundant on the 24th.

I cant help but feel so bad for him, like his whole life is crumbling around him. Then I remember that he could actually be seeing this as the universe smiling on him. In this country, redundancy means you get paid a high percentage of your salary for two years, I believe it is (!). I have always been the higher earner and he knows I would have funded our life while we got settled somewhere new.

He could have seen this as the perfect time to be cut loose to head off with me while still having some financial security.