I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Its a very good strategy but not one I have the network to put in place sadly!

Another option is I could see if I can postpone the removals until next month (since he is staying here for a few months more, the couch could stay) and then I could come back on a flying visit with friends to let the removal guys in. Its not the clean break I wanted though.

I will sleep on it and have a think. Thank you all so much for being an ear xx

Really pissed off i have such a logistical head fuck to deal with when he can just go down the road to his mum 🙄

He might just do that when the removals guys have taken the stuff

Please don't delay anything, have the removal company on Thursday.

If you delay it and move on Sat you may find everything gets trashed, or he won't allow you access to the property.

@PinkImbrella do not leave anything there if you can avoid it. You said your Dad is coming over - will
he stay at yours? That would be safer than you being in the house alone with ex until you leave.

You can move tomorrow to where you want. I had a baby at 41. You can adopt like my friend (single) did at 55. This is your fork in the road. Choose. It’s not important what he does - it’s important what you do. Forget him.

I agree with this.

@PinkImbrella

I think the clean break now is the better way as long as you have no fear for your safety or have the ability to go to a hotel if things heat up. Take everything you want now and let it be 'goodbye forever'.

Once you're gone I have a feeling he's going to consider anything left behind as his and you may play merry hell getting it out of the house. Not to mention the possibility he'll have the locks changed once you're gone and refuse you entry.

Remember, he's been a total shit from the day you told him you were leaving. Don't expect him to 'play nice' after you're gone.

@PinkImbrella the movers can pack up your stuff for you when they collect your sofa tues. I would be moving out then, there are hotels which allow pets, think premier inn is one. many others. I would just be going and not telling him, especially after him not telling you for 8 years what his plans were!!! take every single thing which you paid for, right down to the last teaspoon!

You have said on more than one ocassion that he has or will "lose his shit." He is emotionally immature, and responds to things he doesn't want to deal with by becoming aggressive. He's blocked off any feelings for you because it's inconvenient for him. He's poisoning his family against you. I'm sorry if this sounds victim-blamey in advance, but you have all the information to tell you that he is at best going to be nasty, and he is potentially violent. Just one more thing to consider: I don't know what country you're in, but if something did happen, the police will not be on your side.

Do not stay there on Tuesday and do not leave your stuff there. Go ahead with your moving plans and stay in a hotel. It's only two nights and you have a clean break. It isn't fair, but you have to be smart about this in a way he could never comprehend.

Don’t postpone, it doesn’t sound unbelievable that mr spiteful silent treatment mummy’s boys lies-to-all-his-family about you pours crap on your couch if it’s at his for a month after you’ve left. He’d tell his family you made it all up and you’re crazy. Couch has to go on Thursday. But call the police if he kicks off.

Can your dad get there any sooner?
I wouldn't tell your ex until the removals guys turn up.
He knows you're packing stuff up anyway, but don't give him any advanced notice.
If he kicks off when they are there, at least you're not alone.
See if you can book a hotel for you and cat from Thurs night.

Good Luck @PinkImbrella I hope you and your cat will have a safe journey to your new home. 😻

Just one other thought. If he knows you're leaving on Fri/Sat from Tuesday - what's to stop him taking his stuff and abandoning the house from Wednesday? Then you'd be left with cleaning/clearing and dealing with the landlord and paying any extra rent.
That's really why I wouldn't want to give him any clue.

Also, practice your line when he rages that you are screwing him over by not paying the last month. Say sweetly that you decided when he extended the notice date solely to suit him, some would call that you screwing me over, many others would say you’ve screwed me over far more than that and I’d agree, but look on the bright side - won’t it be satisfying to have something nasty to say about me to your family that you don’t have to make up!!

I think the earliest you should tell him is on Thursday, before the van arrives, and also that you should spend the money to stay somewhere else, safely, with your cat (or put your cat in a cattery) until your father arrives to collect you. Take everything you can out of the house with you on Thursday, leaving behind only stuff you would be OK to replace if your now-ex decides to go on a ruinous rampage. Use a credit card. Going into debt is worth it for your safety and to get out of there.
Good luck!

@PinkImbrella I think what a few of us are saying is YOUR safety (and your cat) is the MOST important thing.
We don't know him, so maybe we're being more wary of the situation.

It's not without tragic precedence that he may absolutely lose it when he realises you really are leaving him, and that you and your cat could be in real danger from that point.
In your shoes (and as a cat owner) I'd book a hotel from Wed night, check in but not stay, then move the cat over on Thurs AM early, before the removals guys turn up. Locked in the bathroom with a tray and food, the cat will be ok for a few hrs.
Once you've instructed the removals guys and packed up some personal bits/clothes etc that you're taking back with you/your dad, be prepared to leave quickly.

This plus
Be ready to Leave with the removals guys, so you’re protected by their presence while they take stuff and you are not left alone with him. From what’s been said about his behaviours, they are typical of a narcissistic personality and it depends on how far up the spectrum he is. But as he flies into rages or stalks off, only wants his way or the high way, there really is a potential for him striking out. At you. Many wives and girlfriends would warn you of this if they had survived the experience.
If he is calm about it, no harm done but better safe than sorry

Really struggling this evening. Living like this is really taking its toll on me psychologically. Still silent treatment despite his message while I was away "offering" the Shit City as a consolation prize.
We had tickets to a gig this eve. Which I paid for, of course. Ive brought myself to it, its in a really nice setting, just feeling edgy and dead inside.
The good news is I officially hate him. Its been FIVE WEEKS since we last had an actual conversation. Don't worry, im past the point of asking "why?". Now im just consumed with anger at how fucking unfair this treatment has been. Anyone would have thought I'd cleared his bank account or shagged his dad.
I cant wait to get out of here.
Ive got so much work im supposed to be getting through. I just need to keep myself calm and focused on the end goal.
Hes doing fuck all around the house. Im doing all the food shopping. Ive lost all respect for him. I cant even imagine he ever had some good traits.
He was "lovely": well i think I'd be pretty fucking relentlessly "lovely" if a man were facilitating my ideal life in my ideal town near MY mother.
I used to do all the laundry. Ive started removing all his shit from the washing machine (hello? We have a laundry basket?) and just washing my own stuff 😆 Petty but satisfying.

I forgot to mention that when I got back from my trip on Saturday there was a big stack of cardboard boxes in the hall.

Tomorrow im starting to pack.

I am starting to think im not even going to bother inform him of anything. It was a courtesy I was going to pay him to not be cruel and to not leave on a bad note, but actually- fuck it.

@PinkImbrella

You characterize it as 'struggling', but if you look carefully you are actually 'progessing'. You don't care why anymore, you characterize your feelings as hate (try to aim for indifference, that's the true opposite of love), you're ready to start packing, you're seeing him for who he really is. I call that progress. It may be painful progress, but progress just the same.

I agree with just getting on with it without some big announcement or unnecessary conversations. If he's curious, let him ask. And if he does, keep your answers brief and unemotional.

Deep breaths, count the days because you're a short-timer now. Soon you'll be down to counting the hours, then the minutes.

I’ve heard a spray bottle of milk squirted around all his soft furnishings will leave him with a “fuck you” he won’t get over in a long time!

Ive learnt so much about compromise vs sacrifice, blah di blah di blah.
But one MASSIVE takeaway for me is this: I am NEVER EVER going to be with a man who makes me feel like this in times of conflict. Whether silent treatment or "kicking off". I should never have to feel scared of a person. I am promising myself I will NEVER walk on eggshells with a man ever again, amd the first fucking HINT of this kind of shit from any potential partner in the future, they get one warning. That's it. Because over these 8 years (actually closer to 9) you wouldn't believe the strategising and self censoring ive had to do. Or maybe you would.

What I dont understand is why if I'm progressing, Im actually feeling edgier than before? I'm having physically panicky symptoms now, whereas before I actually felt quite chilled physically.

I've thrown away more years than that and am older than you. Same reason - his unsevered umbilical cord with the MIL. It sucks. All you can do is start making the most of a new life that works for you and be free of that entanglement. I'm still entrenched unfortunately (it's complicated).

Not that I want a relationship but I won't allow a man to dictate what words I can use. Yep. What a knobhead.

@PinkImbrella because you are actually, finally, doing it. And, perhaps getting nervous about how he might act. Be careful, please.

@PinkImbrella I think it is a perfectly natural response to feel edgier now - you’re on guard and in hyper-vigilant mode until you get out of this. You’ll feel better once this is done and you can properly relax. Meanwhile you’re in ‘fight or flight’ state.