I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Thursday morning tell him you’re getting your belongings collected. Thursday night I would be tempted to stay elsewhere if that’s at all possible.

My logic in telling him on Tuesday was to give him time to process it before it actually happens to minimise the chance of anything kicking off if its just sprung on him.

I don’t think I’d tell him @PinkImbrella

I feel like if he came home and discovered major furniture was gone and then I also had two wait it out for another two nights that could potentially be worse.

As an aside it really fucking winds me up that we as women have to consider this aspect too

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Id empty my gear out and leave him a note. Van gone. You and pa in a hotel then gone.
Men can turn nasty, if you havent found his flash point so far id be very wary of waiting to see it.... and involving your dad in the process.

Its not sneaky. He's the one who has been dishonest for 8 years!

Take care

Air BNB for 2 nights?

Women HAVE to Consider the violence aspect! If You aren't a heavyweight boxer then that's a fact of life. We have to know the guys limit, how far we can go to have our argument heard without suffering for it.
My stomach churns for you, be wise.

I do wonder if he's processed that you're actually going Op, he seems to be very good at ignoring the things he doesn't want to deal with. Tell him you're leaving Saturday, you don't need to tell him every detail, just your Dad's coming Friday and next day you're gone, he can choose to be about or not

WATF!!! Don't stay there for 2 nights after you've taken your stuff!! That will be torture for you both, plus he's likely to get very unpleasant.

Do go stay somewhere else, anywhere, except there.

You must look after yourself here, not him.

I know it's scary. It just really sticks in my craw that im already paying double rent this month and now possibly I also need to pay for a hotel for two nights, all just because he's the man.
Why cant he fuck off and go and stay with his community - isnt that why we're here in the first place?

The sensible thing to do is get your stuff taken when he's out, leave and never go back, then tell him.

This, your safety trumps everything else.

@PinkImbrella tell him once the deed is done and stay somewhere else for the remainder of the time. Deduct the cost from the rent. Your safety comes first - you’ve been too nice.

I know, it's frustrating. But at this point you have to set that aside and consider what is best, and safest, for you. And 'safe' means not only physical safety, but emotional safety, too. You may not have any fear of actual violence from him but living with the escalated tension of him realizing that it's 'really real' after the furniture is gone is simply not good for you. And not necessary if you can afford to be elsewhere.

The only caveat I'd put on this is if you have to leave things there until your dad comes to take you home. If you have concerns that he'll destroy your property if you're gone you'll need to decide what that's worth to you to have 2 nights worth of peace before Dad shows up.

There's also the cat to consider!

In an ideal world you would just do a moonlight flit but I had to coordinate the channel crossing and the removal guys. I will think about it overnight. I could always tell him about the couch/removals and say that was the only availability they had for coming to pick stuff up, but then NOT tell him about leaving on Saturday and just pull a disappearing act

Can you get your dad to get you on Thursday?

I think im going to have to be upfront as how else am I supposed to pack all my stuff up without him realising. There's too many moving parts for me to do this covertly IMO. Ill just need to make sure I have a back-up plan, aka check hotel availability. It might help if I start packing tomorrow so that the penny starts to drop and he realises without being told.

NO

DO NOT TELL him on Tuesday

that is far far far too many days for him to become angry / let anger fester

You may have been with him 8 years, but people can ' turn ' in seconds.

Where will he be when the van turns up for your furniture ?

You and dcat cannot stay there after Thursday, it's 2 nights just 2 nights you need a hotel or airb+b with dcat !

This is the most dangerous time in a woman's life, when she is leaving a relationship when the man doesn't want her to. I'm sure you'd say he'd never.... yep. I would have said that about an ex or three as well.

Good luck with it all OP. I am looking forward to your update that you are back in the UK and settled.

Can you tell him you’re moving out your possessions on Tuesday as that was all you could book. He can give you space & go & stay with his precious Mummy until Thursday when you will leave the keys under the mat as you leave. Its a courtesy he can show you as this upheaval after 8 years of false hopes of an adult partnership is his responsibility

@PinkImbrella

When BFF did a 'midday' flit, my DH got her STBX out overnight to 'camp and fish'. It gave us a whole day to get her packed and moved.

Is there anyone you can enlist to get him out of the house for a night (or two) on some pretext? Even a good block of hours could help you get things packed and staged for moving without him breathing down your neck.

Good luck. I went the secret flit road, but appreciate it’s difficult for you. Just be wary of his reaction. They are right, who say is a dangerous time. Even if you could leave with the couch and stay in a hotel for the one night till your father arrives and don’t tell him till it’s happening…at least then the guys are there moving the stuff so he cannot do anything