I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

My thought was that he might have another woman lined up to take her place, but yes regardless of his reasons he's not moving.

@PinkImbrella I know you're feeling sad now but don't let him derail your plans, you have a new job and all your old friends waiting for you. Before you'd ask to move, he'd give you the silent treatment and you'd give in, even though he knew you were unhappy, even though you'd refused to have DC there none of that made him change his mind, he was happy to sacrifice you for what he wanted.
He won't change Op, take your cat and go have the adventures you always wanted

For what it's worth I think this is less about love and concern for his mother and more about him being an emotionally stunted baby who wants to hang on to the comfort blanket of his hometown and not deal with any significant change in his life. The mother thing is just gaslighting you and making himself look less selfish.

You've dodged a bullet, OP. He's not an adult, just a facsimile of one, and would not have made much of a father.

Girl move on and don't look back. Don't waste any more time. You have a whole life to live out there!

I'm so sorry 💐

Why do you need to give 3 months notice he has told you he doesn't want to leave. Are you still holding on to that hope he will leave. What you need to do is show him your intentions and if he decides to leave with you great. If he chooses to stay with mummy then fuck him.

Wow @PinkImbrella so he does a half-arsed shit city offer (all after bad-mouthing you to everyone else). Hah, no thanks. Still trying to exert control. Make sure you let his cousin know what really happened and say you’re happy to stay in touch. Not long to go now and congrats on the work thing. I don’t think he thought you’d go through with it.

Men just annoy me.

I really don't want to sound negative, but fear I might...

it sounds like you have a future ahead, you've been offered prestigious work.

why the hell are you continuing to involve this absolutely waste of space (more polite than what I previously typed!) in your life, your success, your future.

he is a NOBODY! He sounds talentless and useless.

all he'll do is be a permanent millstone to you.

you have the choice to get rid, and live your best life and yet you're clinging on to this flotsam and jetsam, and for what?

your life, your choice, you're the only one who can take a different path, make it the right one, please !

Don't waste another moment with beating yourself up with regret.
You haven't 'wasted' 8 years. You are human.
At bright future awaits

A warm relationship isn't one where your partner,
Doesn't put your needs first.
Doesn't defend you against his DM.
Dishes out silent treatment.

You have to take responsibility for staying OP. He stringed you along, but you allowed it. Forgive yourself and put him behind you.

I was in a similar relationship, it's hard to accept but it will help in the next relationship.
If someone isn't willing to put you first and compromise, they won't change.

Good luck on the new job.
Forget the stirring cousin. Why is he/she telling you all this?

I agree, I do take responsibility for it. Because the "not nows" or "its not the right times" weren't ever said in a sort of affable future-faking way.
His other method of conflict, aside from silent treatment, would be blowing up, shouting, storming off, and those were the times when he would shout a "because its not the right time!" my way.
So I really was kidding myself.

I'm back now. Hes going out to a friend's house.

@PinkImbrella

I'm back now. Hes going out to a friend's house.

Good!! The more he's gone the more peace you'll have for any last minute things needing doing or just to sit back and relax and think of your bright future.

Where ever he goes and you go, you take yourselves with you.

The Mum thing is a sillly excuse.

OP not long now and you will have a better life. Stay strong

Sounds like an unpleasant person to live with.

It's a blessing in disguise that he wouldn't move.
He would have continued putting himself first, even after kids as he sounds so selfish.

A decent man would respectfully find give you space, so going to a friend's is the least he can do.

You'll soon be rid of the drama. Onwards and upwards.

This simply tells you that you are at one with the Universe!
Yuu have given your all, with grace. This is your reward. Good thjngs happen when you are true to yourself.
Ive had various events where I've been literally put in the right place at the very moment when help has been badly needed by elderly alzeimers sufferers.
It happens with such on the minute timing, im firmly convinced, I KNOW, that those Angels that watched over those poor souls moved me to be their protector.
Likewise, when you do the right thing, and do it with grace, those forces come into play and seal your fate.

You have been away a few times abd each time returning has filled you with dread. That wont happen again, and it tells you that you really are making the absolute right choice.

Hard agree. He shouldn't even be a blip in her thinking now, he deliberately chose to steal years of her life, lied to her and is now treating her like crap because she dared to speak up.

He's not a good person, and the sooner OP accepts all the evidence that proves that and simply worries about herself and not him, the sooner she will be free and living a good life.

I wasted 8 years too OP, how I wish I could have that time back, why was I so stupid, why was I so blind. But, we just have learn from it, put it behind us, move on and try to build a better life for ourselves!

I know it's coming from a wellmeaning place, but I feel I have to stick up for myself here! 😅 Its hard to completely disentangle myself from him and shut myself off when I am still sharing a house and day to day life with him, while also having nobody IRL to "escape to" and take my mind off things. But there's just 6 days to go x

Posters read your posts and in some you appear to be leaning in, softening, others youre in fighting fit mode.
Its the leaning posts that have us concerned for you.
Yes, you do need to stand up fir yourself, and keep doing so, but we gave taken you to our hearts. Feel a connection, so please expect to be chided along with the chivvying. Its only natural for people who are gunning in your corner, to slap butt if you look to be stalling.
Its the power of the Internet, that total strangers become so protective of someone they are very unlikely to ever meet!
Take it all, its meant well.
Be strong.

That's true.

Thank you all 🥹❤️

Everything is picking up speed now.
The movers are coming on Thursday to take away stuff including my couch. I think he's going to lose his shit at this (he won't have a couch now).
My dad has offered to drive me to the UK 🥹 He arrives on Friday.
Then on Saturday we go.

Im not sure when to tell him all this but im thinking Tuesday.

Well done OP, this is a fantastic opportunity for you and the start of a new adventure. I don't think that you wasted 8 years, you needed that time to get you here. Now you are taking the next step, & if you ever think that this step was a mistake - well you'll know where to find him.

But you won't.

Best wishes for your new opportunities, and well done.

Will he be there when you are having the truck loaded?
Are you planning to be staying there for the next two nights until you leave on Saturday?
Just wondering if there might be a safety issue? (Even if your dad is there, people can get weird when they feel they've lost; cool on the surface and raging underneath)
It's always better to pack up and go when he's not there to avoid conflict of any kind and leave immediately thereafter. Get a hotel or airbnb if needed. Be ready to call police to "keep the peace" if you get a hint of something amiss.