I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Another man-child with a selfish mother!
So sorry for you but you can make your new life fabulous.
You owe him nothing, he owes you everything so think of yourself and move when it suits you - let him and his mummy sort his life and finances out.
Don’t delay!

Hi @PinkImbrella good luck with your last week there. I bet it’s going to be bittersweet. All the best with the future. It seems like things are falling in place for you x

Congratulations! It was clearly meant to be!

If you are that unhappy well done on your decision to leave ASAP before your mental health is damaged. Do not even question it or take personally. You have gone through a bad experience and leave it all behind. It did not work out for you and you tried so nothing to question. I wish you all the best.

I've just read your thread and wanted to say bloody well done for arranging your departure so quickly and congratulations on your new job opportunity ❤️ you and your cat will be ready to go and live your new lives very soon.

Good luck with your new life OP. Onwards and upwards. Don't look back and don't waver.

Can he afford to stay himself if you go? That'll be the reason he's giving you the cold shoulder - he knows that you'll be off the minute that you're able to

Well done you for knowing you deserve a Big Life. How amazing that the universe is agreeing, and sending you all these fantastic job offers, opportunities, and a good place to live. Enjoy your time in the house share, it's a great opportunity to meet people, and maybe find someone to live with properly at a later date? Lots of good housemates arise from these situations.

No he cant afford to particularly as he is being made redundant. I think next week is his last week. Him being made redundant was the reason I decided to launch the moving conversation as there would be no reason for him to stick around anymore (or so i thought)

I honestly think 38 isn’t a bad age to start over. You’re isolated where you are, now you have a second chance to get to where you want to be (take it from someone who’s 45 and trying to figure out what her future holds x ). Hope you’re ok though, it will be sad but if you were never both going to be happy then it’s just come to its conclusion

Shouldda, cuouldda, wouldda.... Everyone can do it. It's a great hobby, it fills so much time and it's free!

it's also the biggest, most pointless waste of time any of us can ever do. Done is done. You can't alter that. But you can alter today and tomorrow.

Alot of women do this scarifice themselves for others
Wishing you well in your next chapter

Tbf he’s probably cut up about you leaving. He’s not handled it well and it was very unfair to string you along, but try to focus on the good times in the past and then the good times ahead of you.
It is what it is. You know you should have got out sooner but you never pushed the issue as it was obvious what the outcome would be. Now what was obviously inevitable, has come to a head. You can’t control his reaction but you can leave with a sense of “it was good while it lasted” and then it’s up to him how he responds to your civility.

Good luck in your new life.

Good riddance to him.

He's acting like a sulky child who isn't getting every single thing that he wants at everyone else's expense. In this case, yours.

Be glad he didn't agree to move to 'beautiful city' ... it wouldn't have lasted and he would have sulked the whole time. Your life will be so much happier and fulfilling without him.

Just RTFT, this 100%.

Love it !
That's really neat !

He won't actually move to city X even in the east side. He wants to get you hoover you back in so it will be
Well we need to make sure we are strong as a couple before a move
Well you need to bond with my family again before we move
We can't go before Christmas
Oo what about a holiday
Oh we need to have more in savings and before you know it another 8 years have gone by.
He will not move

It’s so important to set deadlines. Even if they’re just internal deadlines in your head, that you don’t share with the other person. You need a time frame to work to and if they don’t match it, then go.

When I bought a house with by then boyfriend. I was worried about selling my own house and using the money to buy a house with someone I wasn’t married or even engaged to. The day we made the offer on the house I sent him an email saying ‘I’m investing everything I have in to this house and I’m not doing it lightly. For me, this is it, I won’t be boyfriend and girlfriend indefinitely and if we’re not married in the next two years, that’s it, I’ll be gone. I’m 30 and want marriage and children, I can’t wait around.’ You have to set your stall out early.

Fortunately it worked out and we got married the next year. But I would have totally ended it if I got met with ‘one day….’ Or ‘Not now…’

Ahh, he’s a mummy’s boy. Is she sick, rich, or all alone in the world without him? What is the hold? I wouldn’t waste another 8 seconds on him.

Best of luck to you @PinkImbrella . I know it won't be easy. Hoping you make some good friends.

Definitely onwards and upwards for you, op. I'm so glad you've made this choice for yourself, and I'm excited for your next chapter - sounds absolutely amazing!

Are you sure it's just his mother that he's staying for? If he's been lying about everything for years, maybe he's lying about that too.

And he's not depressed, he's just a selfish dick. Or even if he is (he's not), so what?

He was perfectly happy to lie to you, ruin your life and destroy dreams, and you're still talking about it him as though he's a nice guy. He's not.

You should not be contemplating him at all, not a single thought about what suits him or works for him should be entering your head, or you have learned nothing from his deliberate choice to steal your years from you.

The poster who said pay one month is absolutely right. He's stolen YEARS from you and he did it on purpose in the hope that you would just finally cave and he'd get the outcome he always planned for.

He doesn't want to move regardless.

It's unlikely about his mum. That's just the excuse he is using.

Right now he is ignoring you and stonewalling you. But as soon as you move away and he realises what has actually happened.

That's when he'll start ringing and messaging you and making promises- that's when you'll have to be strong and remember why you did move out.