Page 11 | I've thrown away 8 years of my life

PinkImbrella · 2025-06-14T14:13:44+00:00

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive. Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral. Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated. Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

DearDenimEagle · 11/07/2025 16:34

Glad you aren’t considering it. Theres a strong possibility it is another carrot to keep you hanging on. Future faking . No intentions of following through but pretending kicks the can down the road, maybe a few years. I might be projecting my experience though. Well, I certainly am, but my ex is not alone in using this tactic

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 11/07/2025 18:25

I think he would see this through. The problem is this city is quite underwhelming - hence why it would have already been quite a compromise years ago.
Also, him wanting to live "on the eastern side" is so he can still be close to his mum/town. I can just foresee him continuing to live his local life whereas what im looking to do is live somewhere stimulating where we would create an "Our Life"...
This feels like a shitty halfway house, and he would be dragging his feet going there.
Its something we should have done ages ago when it felt like a healthy compromise and we were energised and excited about our future.
If he was going to send me any kind of message today, it should have been "Im guessing you are thinking of heading back to the UK.... Please stay in this country, I dont want to lose you. Lets think about a city here we can both get behind. Ive been selfish and stubborn, im sorry".
That would have been a message to give me pause for thought.
But this is a crumb he should have thrown me at tje beginning of our relationship, and i should have demanded.
Besides... He has punished me for a month. Irrespective of location, that has massively upset and repulsed me.

OP posts:

2025ismybestyear · 11/07/2025 18:33

It was always more likely than not that he was going to try and make you stay.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2025 23:01

@PinkImbrella

Besides... He has punished me for a month. Irrespective of location, that has massively upset and repulsed me.

When someone shows you who they really are (even if it's after 8 years), believe them!

PullTheBricksDown · 11/07/2025 23:15

It's too little too late, and maybe not even sincere but just aimed at stalling you. You're being really strong OP. I've read the whole thread and I believe this will come good for you in the end, even if it's shitty and painful now.

Have you acknowledged or replied to his message? I would sway towards just not replying, I think, if possible.

whatisheupto · 11/07/2025 23:55

Wow OP I can't believe you've stayed living with him these past few weeks!. Talk about making it hard for yourself! You really need to get out of there NOW. Even if you have to pay rent, can you not go and stay with family for a bit, or sofa hop at friends back in UK? Or go and stay in the cheapest youth hostel you can find, and have some fun and adventure? I bet it would fo you the eorkd of good. You are torturing yourself by continuing to live with him and its not going to go well. Do yourself a favour. Prioritise yourself.

lizzyBennet08 · 12/07/2025 00:31

op I see exactly what you mean about this being a sop, the barest effort he can make after a month of sulking. Even if he was serious it does sound like he would plan on being at home with his mom as much if not more than building a life with you .
you're worth so much more than this.
i wonder in the future when he realises he's lost the best relationship he ever had will he look bad and rue the road not travelled.
I really this he will and at some level his recent anger is because he knows it too.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/07/2025 01:08

@whatisheupto

There was at one point certain dates regarding her cat i.e. she has to allow x time between certain vaccinations and leaving the country with him/her.

Tho of course it may now just be a cause of when her new property is ready ?

and let's not forget this thread only began on 14th June, the Op has achieved so much in that time.

and now...it's 7 days to go...

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/07/2025 04:45

RedBeech · 06/07/2025 11:42

OP, can I make a suggestion that might be shot down in flames?

Try to walk away with the minimum of antagonism between you. I totally understand how your frustration has reached a peak and you are acting fast. But he, however wrongly, has had eight years of thinking you'd both bob along together living as he wanted and he is suddenly, rapidly, bewilderingly learning this won't happen. Of course he is not reacting well. That's understandable. You are both hurt and angry and discombobulated. But there doesn't need to be blame. It didn't work out. The whole eight years were not bad or a waste of time. You were often happy in the moment, you said, and there's a hell of a lot to be said for that. He just didn't honour your plans for the future and that future, for you, has arrived.

I think you will feel better if you leave with good grace. However rude or obnoxious he is, you will feel better if you are kind to him and say you had some lovely times and that's why you stayed for so long, but you always wanted to live elsewhere and it was clear this couldn't ever be resolved. Try and part on good terms.

There is some really distasteful glee on MN at other people's break-ups. Don't be stoked by it. He's upset. You're upset. You are both coping with a big change after eight years. He's not compromising for you, and you are not compromising for him. This is understandable and foreseeable. No need to add the fuel of blame to his behaviour. Just get out as calmly as possible and try to honour the good times in some way before you leave.

Edited

He any though. He’s had 8 years of blowing up at his gf when she repeats that she’s not happy and storming off and refusing to talk to her until she makes nice. Hes had 8 years of letting his mum and family be nasty and bitchy to her (except one cousin). He’s had too long and she owes him nothing.

op if he contacts you about the rent you say ‘I thought you were going to block me on everything.’

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 12/07/2025 05:32

I just read the updates, I’m so sorry, OP. Looks like he’s waking up to the reality of things but still not prepared to make an actual commitment to your happiness too.

I can’t remember now, but is his mother sick? What’s this obsession to being that close? It’s quite unusual even for close families.

Newmumburnout · 12/07/2025 06:20

Hi OP. So sorry you are going through this, you sound like a lovely person and don't deserve it. You are doing the right thing as he knows your unhappy but has been fine to leave it that way. My only thought is ... Are you sure it's his mother that he wants to stay for? Seems very odd for a grown man to want to stay that close to his mother. Could there be another reason your unaware of ? And his mother is the excuse ?.

Happyhettie · 12/07/2025 06:27

He sounds horrible. Stonewalling is abusive and you’ve put up with it for years. He’s lied to his family about why you splitting up and told them not to talk to you- that’s weird behaviour as well.
I hope you and your cat have a brilliant new start away from him.

AbsoluteBeginner1 · 12/07/2025 06:40

@PinkImbrella some men are too chicken to tell the truth, some are manipulative. The cards are on the table now and you just need to make a decision based on this. I would say if you want children, don't waste any more time with him. You're still young enough but only just.

My friend's partner has strung her along for about 12 years, no marriage even though he proposed (but changed his mind), no kids (then changed his mind) and now she's still with him but sad. I think you need to draw a line and try and start afresh.

cooldarkroom · 12/07/2025 07:13

Yes the reality of your departure has hit home, (probably seeing the missing furniture made it seem real !)
Basically you both wanted different things, & its got to a stage where his relationship with Mummy was dominating your life. (Hes going to burn & fall when she dies)
This offer to move to some crappy dead town now is an Olive twig, but he knows its a dead branch, you will refuse & he can say “he tried”
Anyway the manipulation of his friends & family show he doesnt see his failings at all, he has sacrificed you as crazy.

My H saw his mother every day, sometimes multiple times a day until she died, the idea of moving to some “half way house” neighboring town would never have been contemplated .
His relationship with his parents & brother & his childhood village & friends (security blanket) was far more important than I could ever be.
Walking away was the only thing possible for your future happiness, at the end oc the day, you had to care for yourself, he wouldn’t

How did the job interview go?

daisychain01 · 12/07/2025 07:30

Charliebear322 · 14/06/2025 17:42

Do it

Show quote history

What ridiculous misguided advice.

No, don't do it, get yourself out of his life and start again.

and why do that to an unborn child?

Enough4me · 12/07/2025 07:43

OP you've gone through major change so be prepared for turbulent emotions due to loss of what you had (the good bits), your dreams (that held you there) and adapting to the move. Expect to feel disbelief, sad, angry, before acceptance and even after acceptance to have small things take you down again. You'll need to find your values, priorities and create new habits over again as a single person in a new land.
You've made the decision but the change can take a long time to fully go through. Sometimes having markers can help, booking fun things on a calendar can help ideally with friends.
Try not to rush into a new romance or get pregnant while you're coming to terms with what's happened - better to know yourself again first!

daisychain01 · 12/07/2025 07:56

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/07/2025 04:45

He any though. He’s had 8 years of blowing up at his gf when she repeats that she’s not happy and storming off and refusing to talk to her until she makes nice. Hes had 8 years of letting his mum and family be nasty and bitchy to her (except one cousin). He’s had too long and she owes him nothing.

op if he contacts you about the rent you say ‘I thought you were going to block me on everything.’

Show quote history

God alone knows why the OP doesn't block him on everything!

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 12/07/2025 08:11

whatisheupto · 11/07/2025 23:55

Wow OP I can't believe you've stayed living with him these past few weeks!. Talk about making it hard for yourself! You really need to get out of there NOW. Even if you have to pay rent, can you not go and stay with family for a bit, or sofa hop at friends back in UK? Or go and stay in the cheapest youth hostel you can find, and have some fun and adventure? I bet it would fo you the eorkd of good. You are torturing yourself by continuing to live with him and its not going to go well. Do yourself a favour. Prioritise yourself.

I cant unfortunately because of my cat!

OP posts:

Springdaffs1 · 12/07/2025 08:18

PinkImbrella · 11/07/2025 11:48

So small update. I've gone away for two days just to get some space.

He's texted me:
"I don't know what your plans are, but maybe we can talk about X. On the eastern side."

X = the city 50 km away i spent years trying to get him to move to
The eastern side = the closest side to the motorway that leads to his mum

It’s all just such a ‘small’ offer from him. ‘Maybe we can talk about’ an area you don’t even want to live in. Presumably he would spend all his time on the motorway anyway. Don’t let him lure you back!

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 12/07/2025 08:20

A few people have asked whether im sure this is about his mother as it seems strange.

Yes im sure it is. This is a culture where mothers are almost treated like children - lots of dramatics, lots of over protection like the mothers are fragile things. In contrast to our culture, where I think being close to your mother is more like...She's your mum and one of your best friends, but she's seen as someone with her own interests outside of the home and very independent and capable etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkImbrella · 12/07/2025 08:28

So I am on the road back to base for my last week there and I feel sick to my stomach.

I realise I forgot to tell you about something important that happened. In late June I told you someone contacted me about a work opportunity (this is a separate thing from the interview I had: I work in the arts and a lot of the things I do are commissions/residencies, you get the idea).

Anyway, so end of June I was in my new city looking for places to live when out of the blue this really high profile institution contacted me to offer me a contract. Its so crazy how the world works sometimes. Its a really prestigious body, and here's the thing: most of it will be me working on my own wherever I like, but every other month I will get to visit the institution. Which....happens to be in his country, in one of his country's most beautiful cities.

Talk about an incredible opportunity! I still cant believe it fell in my lap like that. Obviously I accepted.

So end of June I travelled back to our house as I told you, silent treatment etc. A few days later (still end of June) I said to him: "Just to let you know, I have been offered work in Beautiful City."
Him: silence and no eye contact
Me: Would you consider moving there?
Him: shakes his head decisively

I thought I would tell you because it kind of rams home how lame a proposition his "We can discuss moving to Shit City Near Me" offer was.

OP posts:

Summerartwitch · 12/07/2025 08:47

You are perfectly right to be angry but please stop blaming yourself. He is the one who has lied to you all along.

At least you have kept your career going and you have learn a big life lesson. So you will never let a man dictate what you can or can't do or let him string you along.

I think you also need to congratulate yourself for having the courage to end the relationship.

Move on with your life and look forward to finally living it as you really want.

Bestwishes23 · 12/07/2025 08:51

PinkImbrella · 12/07/2025 08:28

So I am on the road back to base for my last week there and I feel sick to my stomach.

I realise I forgot to tell you about something important that happened. In late June I told you someone contacted me about a work opportunity (this is a separate thing from the interview I had: I work in the arts and a lot of the things I do are commissions/residencies, you get the idea).

Anyway, so end of June I was in my new city looking for places to live when out of the blue this really high profile institution contacted me to offer me a contract. Its so crazy how the world works sometimes. Its a really prestigious body, and here's the thing: most of it will be me working on my own wherever I like, but every other month I will get to visit the institution. Which....happens to be in his country, in one of his country's most beautiful cities.

Talk about an incredible opportunity! I still cant believe it fell in my lap like that. Obviously I accepted.

So end of June I travelled back to our house as I told you, silent treatment etc. A few days later (still end of June) I said to him: "Just to let you know, I have been offered work in Beautiful City."
Him: silence and no eye contact
Me: Would you consider moving there?
Him: shakes his head decisively

I thought I would tell you because it kind of rams home how lame a proposition his "We can discuss moving to Shit City Near Me" offer was.

Congratulations on the job offer, OP!

You should be so proud of yourself for taking action and control of your life 🎉

AssemblyPoint · 12/07/2025 08:52

PinkImbrella · 12/07/2025 08:28

So I am on the road back to base for my last week there and I feel sick to my stomach.

I realise I forgot to tell you about something important that happened. In late June I told you someone contacted me about a work opportunity (this is a separate thing from the interview I had: I work in the arts and a lot of the things I do are commissions/residencies, you get the idea).

Anyway, so end of June I was in my new city looking for places to live when out of the blue this really high profile institution contacted me to offer me a contract. Its so crazy how the world works sometimes. Its a really prestigious body, and here's the thing: most of it will be me working on my own wherever I like, but every other month I will get to visit the institution. Which....happens to be in his country, in one of his country's most beautiful cities.

Talk about an incredible opportunity! I still cant believe it fell in my lap like that. Obviously I accepted.

So end of June I travelled back to our house as I told you, silent treatment etc. A few days later (still end of June) I said to him: "Just to let you know, I have been offered work in Beautiful City."
Him: silence and no eye contact
Me: Would you consider moving there?
Him: shakes his head decisively

I thought I would tell you because it kind of rams home how lame a proposition his "We can discuss moving to Shit City Near Me" offer was.

Sounds great!… Just don’t fall for a similar guy in that city if the culture’s what’s made him like he is

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/07/2025 08:56

Congratulations on your new job and your new life, @PinkImbrella. You’re just counting down the days now, you have everything to look forward to, and by the sound of it, very little to lose! Wishing you the very best of luck.